Rye Off The Bat

So how has my 2025 been?

This episode is probably meant to be scheduled to release at the last day of the year (coincidentally).

Going through the list of my phone library, aside from work photos and videos, I try to look for what made my day in the month, reminiscing the highlights and whatnots.

And guess what?

It's been better than I thought!

The travels, the concerts, the festivals, the arts, and the people I'd met.

Never did I know that I'll be embarking to Taiwan again; after all these years. Much less with someone else.

Going to a place where I'd lived and felt free and myself; and eventually sharing this space with someone is something that I didn't expect.

how do you feel when you left a place where you call home?

I know sometimes we have to go but what if it's hard to let go?

It's been a difficult time for me to process all the emotions, the thoughts; a mixture of fear, of guilt, and mostly alot of guilt.

I also identify how I am so avoidant of things, waiting until the last minute, and I really do need to try to tell myself that it's probably a phase for me to move forward.

I guess... it is what it is... right?

It took me a long time to write/post this; to the extend that I was even running away from posting podcasts altogether... or even be more proactive in life because of this.

Perhaps the knowledge of this further reinstates the fact that feel that I'm broken, damage, together with the fact that my leg is no longer good from the accident.

I delved abit more about my dissociative tendencies; from zoning out at work, having issues with memories due to different "perceived realities", to removing myself from certain situations. My avoidant tendency makes things worse.

Maybe it's the time where I finally face and write this that made me word vomit today... and I made this content because I decided to stay true to my direction ; at the very least of using this space to talk about my mental health journey.

It is not the best... but every time when I'm on here, it reminds me that I'm at least... trying.

At this point of posting; I have addressed my issues to my doctors again and they decided to let me take some time off the medication and see how it goes from here.

I feel the medication is a mixed bag to me as I'd felt positive effects in the early times; but it felt like I crash-numb after.

• The brain fogs are worse; memories foggy.
• I also became less motivated
• subsequently my anxiety still stays; though less accident related but more real life
• weigh gains (since setraline),
• stress eating (again?)

Going back to Twitch was an escape... at first; but it was also many things. The universe's calling? Maybe, because Twitch is going to streamline their storage to 100hours, so that got me up and working - exporting all 14 hundred hours of streaming content all onto Youtube.

And during so really did bought me across memory lane, my discord journey, and the family that I had neglected after I started working.

Friends is a tacky subject after we adult; some have marry, some have babies, some just have work and it's tougher and tougher to get together/hangout or even connect. And we're bound to drift; this little revisitation bought me back for abit, to even leading to the revival of our quiet ol' discord community and it felt like a reminder for me to give myself a break every now and then; to have fun, play games and heck- live alittle!

Came to this conclusion upon thinking; and love is indeed like a drxg. So... that does validate my thinking of how feelings is weak right?

Because that meant that we do have one more think to worry about, one more weakness... our love and also because of the chemistry that happened in our body while we're in love...

So that's how we get... addicted... no?

Just abit of a rumble and back post; y'know nights when you think about alot of things then wish you'd think about nothing at all

I think one of the topmost toxic words that I hear... is "should"

You "should " do this, you "should" do that.

From behaviours to life decisions, I'm robbed of alot of liberty since young. To being able to be independent and grow to being able to walk my own path.

In short, I'm surrounded by people who... felt that there are certain things that I should be doing to the best of my interest.

But... what if that's not me?

What if I'm unhappy doing that?

What if I'm actually didn't want to walked the path of "should?"

I got struck by something I saw on Instagram; The Tiny Wisdom by Brian. This piece of work really resonated with me.

From behaving different since young, being told that I'm weird as I am growing up, to even being told that this is not me and what I "should" be as I got older, this piece of work hits me in ways that I didn't expected to be hit (on a weekday morning).

The voices echoes inside me for the rest of the day, where my brain started digging up memories to go through; cues the highlights of my different point in life, from postcard trading to solo traveling, earning money on my own terms, being high on main character energy.

I once was on the tightrope of embracing myself and how I should be; until the society and people around me gave me that push... and fast forward to today, I'm a typical cog in the system, going about my everyday, keeping my head down... drawing blue squares.