Rye Off The Bat

In this episode of ROTB comes mostly with some updates, and also about why I'm... not around. Distractions.

We all have them.

The worse thing? knowing that no matter whatever we are running away from only seem smaller at that point of time, but it's still always there.

I'm having an upcoming surgery in October, and I'd been panicking since August, going into a full on shut down mode since September.

And it does affect my life somewhat when I currently constantly disengage with the world.

For the ones who's still stuck in the abyss,

the ones who's trapped in self-blame, self-hate.

For the ones who didn't have self love, and question their worth.

Your life is actually worth more than you think :')

You know when you have a eureka moment? A breakthrough? Not just any breakthrough, but THE breakthrough.

Not too big of THAT breakthrough but enough to made me feel alive, to push through. Ever since I tuned myself to travel write, things and thoughts seem to be able to flow through me; until the recent months or rather year, where I even stopped painting altogether.

I stop accumulating my own artworks, and I'd used to told myself if i were to display it should be my own work instead of others. And there I'd taken a backseat for most of the time.

But today is alittle different; I pushed myself to write during my commute, to make sure all the places I'd been in my latest Kuala Lumpur trip didn't get buried. That I'd been in tune with my thoughts and feelings, that I'll write again, and let these feelings go through me.

This is me. I'm unapologetically passionate about some things, and I need to get the strength the push through. And as funny as it sounds, working has been my new comfort zone, where I'm hustling for keeps. Though... this time round the keeps would definitely come in handy.

And here's to making dreams come true

For those who know me, or came over to my place; you guys must have seen my wallpaper about that quote.

It was a phrase that hits me when I was deep in depression, when I question my purpose and worthiness to exist. It was tough getting off bed, to even function. But this is that one quote that actually kept me going.

In this episode of Rye off the Bat, I'll like to dig abit deeper into why I have saviour complex.

"Ronnie, you only like broken girls"

This is sadly true. Fix things? I'm not sure, but it felt like this saviour complex has been with me for the longest time, even though now I'm better by being more aware.

But I decided to bare it out today, by exploring alittle deeper on why... I have saviour complex

we'll only be romantic when we're in love and parts we give to people, and we feel broken when we lose them. It is inevitable. But then again sometimes it is us giving away the parts of us the process of us learning to learn; and in return we also learn to love ourselves.

You snooze you lose; it's a household phrase where it is so commonly used that everybody knows. But why do we snooze then? What's making us do that, despite it being such a logically thing to do. Before we begin, the phrase was actually meant for us to put something off, but I also dig into another thing; literal snoozing.

Everyone who's struggling with some sort of depression knows that we may have times when we are reluctant to get out of bed; me too. And it just hits me today that, I snooze because I didn't felt like there's any consequences...

We always feel it's better looking back.

"How I wish I could be a student, then there's no responsibilities", "How I wish I'm a baby, don't have to do anything", the list goes on but you get me. But it's always looking that few phases back, from university looking back at your high school days, from working looking back at your college/uni times.

How about we try looking forward today?

Because if we had gone back then, had we didn't have our current psyche; it still would have "suck", and it's never better.

There's alot of us... right? The us before we change, the us before things change us, the us before we lose that part of ourselves. Think Theseus ship but with experience and memories.

I used to be such a wanderlust and I can't take another second of staying back here; I want to fly and I wanted to be free, but now I felt.... grounded.

It felt like I'd found some other priorities and things to work towards to but at the same time, I wonder if the me who's bitten by the travel bug is still in me.

Things hasn't been the best as the dosage of my prozac was increased; 2 capsule and it's been causing me abit of a brainfog.

It was hard to focus, and it felt like everything was a blur.

Perhaps I was also going through a spiral, and I have been down.

But on the bright side we would be coming back to doing weekly podcasts for Rye off the Bat on Wednesday!