I think one of the topmost toxic words that I hear... is "should"

You "should " do this, you "should" do that.

From behaviours to life decisions, I'm robbed of alot of liberty since young. To being able to be independent and grow to being able to walk my own path.

In short, I'm surrounded by people who... felt that there are certain things that I should be doing to the best of my interest.

But... what if that's not me?

What if I'm unhappy doing that?

What if I'm actually didn't want to walked the path of "should?"

I got struck by something I saw on Instagram; The Tiny Wisdom by Brian. This piece of work really resonated with me.

From behaving different since young, being told that I'm weird as I am growing up, to even being told that this is not me and what I "should" be as I got older, this piece of work hits me in ways that I didn't expected to be hit (on a weekday morning).

The voices echoes inside me for the rest of the day, where my brain started digging up memories to go through; cues the highlights of my different point in life, from postcard trading to solo traveling, earning money on my own terms, being high on main character energy.

I once was on the tightrope of embracing myself and how I should be; until the society and people around me gave me that push... and fast forward to today, I'm a typical cog in the system, going about my everyday, keeping my head down... drawing blue squares.

There's no pause, there's no hack, there's nothing we can go about it except the dailies and our quests. However the difference between life and the game?

A game have it's perimeter much more well define, and we are rewarded; regardless... of our effort. So some succeed, some fail, and everything keeps on going. The world keeps turning, the cities never sleeps... and we can't stop playing.

I'd been thinking if this should be back posted or forward, but decided I shall keep the momentum of the weekly thing going.

So this episode covers my first post op thoughts; I probably might have forgotten most of what was being thought or discussed, but mostly how it was way tougher than I thought.

Having the most peg in a prolonged period, together with an unforeseen extension of surgery duration, I came back with my body like a piece of beaten up flesh.

And there's even abit of... Hallucination; I supposed it was the low I thought I'd be in (then).

It's been so long... I'd say so so long; before I could really sit down and get to posting. The spiralling valley pre-surgery and the whole recovery period, before jumping onto the sprint wagon hoping to do more for work.

But at what cost?

So after everything, and my declining mental health, I decided to sit down, and really start unpacking... and queueing certain stuff that I should have, but didn't..

And here's the first of many... and getting back on track of our (hopefully) weekly posting? It'll probably be a reminder for me to get back, to push myself to keep going.

Imagine this; albeit alittle abstract,

we are one person today, and another tomorrow, and another the day after all the way down to the future, and all of us are a team.

How would you feel if half of our team decided to procrastinate? Or a good portion of the team just decided to be irresponsible and leave it to the us tomorrow?

In this episode of ROTB comes mostly with some updates, and also about why I'm... not around. Distractions.

We all have them.

The worse thing? knowing that no matter whatever we are running away from only seem smaller at that point of time, but it's still always there.

I'm having an upcoming surgery in October, and I'd been panicking since August, going into a full on shut down mode since September.

And it does affect my life somewhat when I currently constantly disengage with the world.

For the ones who's still stuck in the abyss,

the ones who's trapped in self-blame, self-hate.

For the ones who didn't have self love, and question their worth.

Your life is actually worth more than you think :')

You know when you have a eureka moment? A breakthrough? Not just any breakthrough, but THE breakthrough.

Not too big of THAT breakthrough but enough to made me feel alive, to push through. Ever since I tuned myself to travel write, things and thoughts seem to be able to flow through me; until the recent months or rather year, where I even stopped painting altogether.

I stop accumulating my own artworks, and I'd used to told myself if i were to display it should be my own work instead of others. And there I'd taken a backseat for most of the time.

But today is alittle different; I pushed myself to write during my commute, to make sure all the places I'd been in my latest Kuala Lumpur trip didn't get buried. That I'd been in tune with my thoughts and feelings, that I'll write again, and let these feelings go through me.

This is me. I'm unapologetically passionate about some things, and I need to get the strength the push through. And as funny as it sounds, working has been my new comfort zone, where I'm hustling for keeps. Though... this time round the keeps would definitely come in handy.

And here's to making dreams come true

For those who know me, or came over to my place; you guys must have seen my wallpaper about that quote.

It was a phrase that hits me when I was deep in depression, when I question my purpose and worthiness to exist. It was tough getting off bed, to even function. But this is that one quote that actually kept me going.