“Parts have different preferences… just because somebody exclusively is in the role of top doesn't mean all their parts want to do that. And same thing when it comes to bottoming or versatile. ” - Max Littman

Disclaimer: Please be aware that this episode includes explicit sexual discussion.Listener discretion is advised.

On today’s episode, Patricia speaks with Max Littman about his new book Internal Family Systems Therapy for Gay and Queer Men: A Companion for After Coming Out,. It is the first IFS book to center the inner lives and the larger systems that particularly impact gay and queer men. The book is very engaging and wide ranging, as was this episode’s conversation which wove together IFS, attunement, inner and outer dynamics related to living as a gay or queer man, preferred sexual positions and their intersection with the larger culture, social media influence and aspects of  drag for artists and audiences. Max and I also discovered a shared love of language, especially puns, which he recognizes as a clue that he has a good amount of Self Energy on board.

Max Littman, LCSW, is an IFS therapist, consultant, and author based in the San Francisco Bay Area. His work centers on attunement, attachment, cultural burdens, and relational and neurobiological understandings of trauma. He specializes in working with gay and queer men and provides mentorship to therapists in private practice.

Connect with Max: 

https://maxlittman.com/

Book - https://a.co/d/2VtoeVX

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“The less I own my own sexual needs and desires, the less I can be responsible for them. So people who disown their sexuality are very likely to act out sexually destructively because their sexuality is like a dog without an owner. “ - Mike Elkin

Disclaimer: This episode contains direct discussion of sexuality, shame, gender stereotypes and triggering language which may evoke strong reactions. The views of podcast guests do not necessarily reflect the views of the host. Listener discretion is advised. 

Given how vulnerable and shameful sexuality can feel, it’s no surprise that lots of protector parts take on big roles to try to keep us safe. Befriending these sexual protector parts can be especially challenging. On this episode, Patty talks with Mike Elkin, Senior Lead trainer for the IFS Institute with over 50 years in the field of therapy and 25 teaching IFS.

At 83 years of age, Mike is a beloved and wise teacher with his own unique style informed by his background in hypnosis, addictions, and hanging around billiard halls. He shares his views on sexuality, shame, moral meaning, gender and patriarchy. He also plays a few rounds of “Stump the Chump” in which he demonstrates how he would work with several challenging sexual protector parts which I role-play.

He identifies the deepest human drive as needing to believe “I am a good person" and explains moral meaning as parts assigning judgments of good and bad to everything, fueling shame cycles in addiction and intimacy. He highlights Self Energy's superpower to wipe away moral meaning, which he believes is not a real thing yet the feelings provoked by it cause our protectors to “put out fires with gasoline.” 

Mike is good at activating parts which he acknowledges is something he does both to make teaching points and because it feels good for a part of himself. Patty notices her parts jumping around a few times as Mike makes broad statements that her parts didn’t always like or agree with (many women watch porn too, though may have different tastes!). At those moments Patty was able to stay  in connection with her parts andto  bring curiosity and clarity to the conversation, allowing her to appreciate the efficiency and effectiveness of this approach for contracting with challenging protectors and being able to reach the exiles carrying the burdens. She  invite listeners to notice how your parts respond to our conversation and what points resonate with you the most. What challenging protectors do you encounter in your own sexual system?

Mike Elkin, LCSW, is a renowned leader in the field of Internal Family Systems (IFS) whose career has spanned over 50 years in psychotherapy, trauma healing, and addiction treatment.

From his 1984 work Families Under The Influence, close collaboration with Dr. Richard Schwartz in the early adoption of IFS, and years as an IFS trainer - Mike has leveraged his expertise to innovate the most effective methods of healing trauma including hypnotic techniques to supplement IFS.

His dedication to spreading the principles of IFS therapy extends beyond professional circles, as he actively works to make the model accessible to individuals and organizations worldwide. A visionary in his field, Mike continues to inspire the next generation of therapists, empowering them to foster healing and transformation in their clients' lives.

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Mike Elkin’s career has spanned over 50 years in psychotherapy, trauma healing, and addiction treatment.

Connect with Mike: 

[email protected] 

[email protected]

ifsdemoz.com

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“Like it literally felt like my body was vibrating with energy. Like the whole body experience of Self Energy. ” - Mary Hart

Disclaimer: This episode contains sexual content. Listener discretion is advised.

Patty talks to Mary Hart, an IFS Level 3 Certified Practitioner, about her personal journey toward Self-Led Sexuality and authentic living which has been informed  by IFS, the Wheel of Consent, and The Six S’s of Sexual Self Energy Framework™ which she discovered as a participant in one of Patty’s first BeHold and Lead your Internal Sexual System (BLISS)™ programs. 

From a Catholic upbringing with a focus on “doing for” others, Mary shares how hard it was to know what she really wanted in bed and beyond, and to claim that. She opens up about how she slowly got to know her parts and how her first experience of Self truly showing up for her polarized parts was expansive, visual and profoundly connecting, which Patty noted sounded similar to some orgasms. Mary and Patty explore how The Six S’s align with what happened to her and Mary found a great deal of resonance.

The conversation explores internal consent, engaging in small experiments of self–discovery, , and creating win-win-win outcomes in relationships. Mary reflects on safe containers for her like cuddle parties and ecstatic dance, which allowed her to move authentically, and how presencing positive experiences—like singing in harmony—accesses Self Energy and fosters healing. This episode is a gentle invitation to explore your own system with compassion

Mary Hart is an Internal Family Systems Level 3 Certified Practitioner, trained workshop facilitator, and Certified Trauma Recovery Practitioner. With over 20 years studying the Wheel of Consent, she values moving at the speed of trust and caring for the most tender parts. Mary brings authenticity and vulnerability to trauma-informed healing, using interpersonal neurobiology, co-regulation, and attunement to support personal and collective transformation.

Connect with Mary: 

www.harttoheartcoaching.com

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“My pleasure ceiling used to be at about a tablespoon, and then it went up to a cup, and then it went up to a quart, and then it went up to a gallon, and now it's an ocean.” – Betty Martin

Disclaimer: This episode contains discussions of touch, consent, sexual activity and sex work. Listener discretion is advised.

Patricia welcomes Betty Martin, creator of the internationally taught Wheel of Consent, to explore how this transformative practice intersects with Internal Family Systems (IFS). Betty shares her journey from chiropractor to sexological bodyworker and intimacy coach. She shares how her observations of her clients’ difficulties knowing what they wanted led to developing the Wheel, a model that distinguishes between "who is doing" and "who it's for" in touch dynamics, enabling clarity, confidence, and embodied pleasure.

The conversation delves into the Wheel's four quadrants—serving, taking, accepting, and allowing—and how they relate to IFS concepts like protector parts, legacy burdens, and Self Energy. Betty and Patty discuss how the Wheel helps build internal awareness, negotiate consent, and overcome patterned responses that are not aligned with authentic pleasure. They emphasize the importance of slowing down to notice body sensations and build trust with protective parts, and the radical impact that claiming one’s erotic truth can have on living an empowered life.

They address common challenges, such as blending with parts during touch, the impact of trauma on consent, and the role of the Wheel in professional settings like therapy and bodywork. Betty reflects on her retirement from hands-on work and the evolution of the School of Consent, highlighting the practice's applicability beyond touch to everyday interactions.

About Dr. Betty Martin: Betty is a chiropractor, facilitator, intimacy coach, teacher, author, and founder of the School of Consent. She developed the Wheel of Consent, a groundbreaking model and practice for clarity in touch and consent, drawing from her decades of experience in bodywork and somatics. She lives in a community, is a mother of three, and grandmother of two.

Connect with Betty:

Website: http://bettymartin.org/

Book: https://www.wheelofconsentbook.com/

School of Consent: https://www.schoolofconsent.org/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drbettymartin/

Wheel of Consent Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thewheelofconsent/

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“There's often lots of confusion that people have about why they feel the way they do sexually, and a lot of delicate kinds of negotiating with your partner. And so I think the model really does help free people up to... ask these inner questions to find out why parts are interfering or why their proclivities are what they are." Dr. Richard Schwartz

Disclaimer: This episode contains topics related to sexual activity, anatomy, and abuse and listener discretion is advised.

In this episode of the Self-led in Bed podcast, Patricia welcomes Dr. Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), to discuss how IFS can be a transformative tool for navigating the complexities of sexuality, healing sexual trauma, and fostering Self-led intimacy. The conversation explores how IFS helps individuals understand and work with their sexual parts, addressing both personal and relational dilemmas, from everyday sexual challenges to profound wounds caused by abuse.

Patricia and Dick delve into the ways IFS supports people in exploring their sexual identities, desires, and boundaries, particularly in the context of societal stigma, religious burdens, and cultural pressures. They discuss how protective parts may use sexuality to manage or suppress exiled parts carrying shame or trauma, and how Self Energy can create a safe space for internal consent and authentic connection. Dick shares insights from his work with survivors of sexual abuse, individuals with complex sexual identities, and those navigating kink or taboo attractions, emphasizing the importance of depolarizing internal conflicts and healing exiles stuck in past wounds. The episode also touches on the role of sexuality as a source of joy, creativity, and relational intimacy.

About Dr. Richard Schwartz: He is the creator of Internal Family Systems (IFS), a transformative, evidence-based model of psychotherapy. Based outside Chicago, Illinois, he has dedicated his career to helping individuals heal from trauma and navigate complex internal systems. Dr. Schwartz has authored numerous books, including No Bad Parts, and has trained thousands of therapists worldwide in the IFS model. His work emphasizes the inherent value of all parts and the healing power of Self Energy.

Connect with Dr. Schwartz: 

Website: https://ifs-institute.com

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“What if your internal conflicts weren’t a problem to fix, but an invitation to listen and love yourself more deeply?” Patricia Rich

Are you wondering what the heck is IFS? And what does it have to do with sexuality? In this special solo episode closing out Season One of Self-Led in Bed, Patricia shares a clear and heartfelt introduction to IFS, starting with what it actually is and how it is being applied in diverse contexts, and then sharing the story of how it was birthed and developed by Richard Schwartz, and why she believes this model is such a powerful framework for exploring sexuality for purposes of healing, health, pleasure,empowerment, and more. 

Whether you're completely new to IFS or already familiar with its language, this episode offers an accessible invitation to begin relating to your inner world in a different way.

Patricia unpacks the concept of “parts,” explains the qualities of Self, and explores how internal conflicts—especially around sex—are often guided by protective patterns that make emotional sense. She also shares how IFS can help us stop pathologizing ourselves and start cultivating compassionate curiosity, even with the parts that carry pain, shame, or confusion.

This episode is a great starting place if you’ve ever wondered what “Self-Led Sexuality” really means—and how it can support more connection, choice, and ease in your body and relationships.

Patricia also announces a short break during August and reflects on some of the incredible conversations from Season One.

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“Sexual health is about being in your body now and finding pleasure in the present moment.” –

Dr. Pebble Kranz

Disclaimer: This episode contains discussion of sexuality,  genitals, menopause, and related topics. Listener discretion is advised.

Moodiness, hot flashes, poor sleep, libido shifts…the menopausal transition which half the world’s population will experience goes smoothly for some women and can wreak havoc for others, disrupting their  sense of self, emotional stability, and sexual satisfaction. While menopause is starting to come out of the closet in popular culture, there are still far too few medical providers who know when to bring it up, what to ask, how to listen, and what options are most helpful for the emotional, physical, and sexual well-being of their patients. 

Today’s guest shows us how different this can be. Not only is  Dr. Pebble Kranz a Family Physician and a Sexual and Menopause Medicine Specialist, she also is IFS-informed and brings compassionate and affirming  care to her patients of all genders. Pebble shares her journey from theater to family medicine , driven by a passion for stories. The conversation delves into the lack of medical training around sexual health, the impact of menopause on physical and emotional well-being, and the transformative power of trauma-informed pelvic exams. Pebble offers practical insights, including three key questions to center patients’ sexual  goals and desires, and emphasizes the importance of present-moment pleasure and self-advocacy in medical settings.

Pebble Kranz, MD, FECSM, IF, MSCP  graduated from Brown University's Medical School in 2007 and completed residency with the University of Rochester Family Medicine Residency Program in 2011. After serving as residency faculty and a primary care doctor for the University of Rochester, Dr. Kranz pursued additional training in sexual, menopause, and gender medicine, earning fellowships from the European Committee on Sexual Medicine, the International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health, certification from the Menopause Society as a menopause medicine practitioner, as well as status as an Advanced Practitioner in Optimal Sexual Experiences Group Couples Therapy. She serves on the board of the Scientific Network on Female Sexual Health and Cancer and is a consultant to the University of Rochester’s Pluta Breast Center’s Sexual Wellness Clinic. She is founder and medical director for The Rochester Center for Sexual Wellness, providing comprehensive care for sexual, relational, and gender concerns in Western New York.  Dr. Kranz is committed to educating healthcare professionals at all levels and the community on medical care for sexual concerns.

Connect with Pebble:www.RochesterCenterForSexualWellness.com

https://www.facebook.com/rochestercsw

https://www.linkedin.com/in/pebble-kranz-md/

https://www.instagram.com/rochestersexualwellness/

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“I can find parts that identify as women, parts that identify as drag queens, parts that identify as men, parts that identify as neither of them…parts that identify as androgynous, there is like a huge variety. So for me that distinction [between sexuality and gender] allowed a lot more variety inside.” Alessio Rizzo

Disclaimer: This episode contains discussions of gender, sexuality, and societal oppression.. Listener discretion is advised.

In this episode of the *Self-led in Bed* podcast, Patty welcomes Alessio Rizzo, an IFS Institute Trainer & Approved Clinical Consultant, Content Creator and Podcaster to explore the intersections of gender, sexuality, and neurodiversity through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS). Meeting for the first time, Patty and Alessio share a dynamic conversation about how IFS can foster curiosity, self-acceptance, and liberation when navigating complex and marginalized identities.

Alessio shares his personal journey as a gender-fluid, gay, neurodivergent person of Italian origin, currently living in the UK, highlighting the burdens of gender non-conformity and societal expectations from childhood. He discusses the liberation of distinguishing gender expression from sexual orientation within his system, allowing parts to embody diverse gender identities—such as drag queens, androgynous, or non-gendered—while his sexual orientation remains consistent. The conversation delves into the concept of “neuroqueering,” the overlap between neurodivergence and queerness, and how IFS supports internal multiplicity, freeing individuals from rigid labels. They address the current global climate of oppression affecting queer and trans communities, emphasizing the importance of safe spaces like Alessio’s upcoming *Gender Journeys* workshop, which focuses on processing disenfranchised grief from suppressed gender expressions. Alessio and Patty also reflect on the nature of Self-Energy, the interplay of embodied and transcendent aspects, and the power of exploring identity with the consent of the system.

About Alessio Rizzo: Alessio Rizzo (He / They) is an IFS Trainer, educator, author and content creator. His IFS blogs (therapywithalessio.com) reach thousands of readers every month and he is co-producing the "Queering IFS" podcast, in which he explores how IFS interfaces with gender, sexuality and neurodiversity. Alessio identifies as  gay, genderfluid and neurodivergent. Amongst his contributions to the IFS field, Alessio has created dyslexia-friendly infographics (which can be found on his website) as well as educational content on Polyamory and Kink from an IFS perspective.

Connect with Alessio: 

www.therapywithalessio.com

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“There is a possibility of intimacy after domestic violence... I want people to know that healing is possible after trauma.” – Achara Tarfa

Disclaimer: This episode contains explicit descriptions of domestic violence, sexual abuse, and trauma. Listener discretion is advised.

Reclaiming emotional and sexual intimacy after leaving a profoundly abusive relationship may seem impossible, but it can happen with patience and access to inner and outer resources. Patty welcomes Achara Tarfa, a trauma survivor, L3 Internal Family Systems Practitioner, Co-Founder of the Global Trauma Institute and President of PATH, to share how Internal Family Systems (IFS) helped her rebuild safety, trust, and connection with her body and her current partner.

This episode delves into Achara’s experience in an abusive relationship marked by physical, psychological, and sexual violation, and how these experiences were later understood through an IFS lens. It addresses the societal and religious pressures that reinforced shame and self-blame and loyalty, how a female pastor’s words finally validated her right to leave, and the slow and gradual process of getting out.

Achara then shares the story of connecting with her current husband, an old college friend, and the slow, intentional process of building trust and intimacy. The conversation highlights the role of IFS in helping Achara befriend her body, move from performative sex to body-led pleasure, and release shame around experiencing joy. Achara offers practical advice for survivors and underscores the transformative power of Self Energy in relationships, where speaking for parts fosters deeper emotional and physical connection.

About Achara: Achara Tarfa is a Level 3 IFS Practitioner, speaker, and co-founder of the Global Trauma Institute. For over 30 years, she’s worked across education, faith-based, and community spaces to make healing more culturally responsive and accessible to the global majority.She’s also President of PATH, an international addiction recovery community, and co-host of Courageous Custody, a podcast exploring high-conflict custody battles through an IFS lens. Through her private practice and consulting work, Achara supports individuals and professionals in trauma recovery, self-compassion, and unburdening journeys.As an elected District Supervisor, she brings a trauma-informed lens to public service, championing healing and resilience in both personal and systemic spaces.

Connect with Achara: 

Website: https://www.acharatarfa.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ifs.achara/
https://www.globaltraumainstitute.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/achara-tarfa-b5413282/

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“Did you get everything you needed to know by adolescence?...We can feel shame for not knowing, and I have to tell people…you didn't get this because no one taught you, this isn't some flaw of yours…no one taught you, but we can make it different for our kids.” Jennifer Wiessner

Content Advisory: This episode explores sensitive topics related to sexuality. Listener discretion is advised.

In this episode Patricia talks to Jennifer Wiessner, an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, couples therapist, Level 2 trained IFS therapist and sexuality educator, to explore the crucial topic of raising sexually healthy children. Jennifer shares her inspiring journey, revealing how the IFS lens has transformed her work and empowered parents to move from fear and shame to confidence and curiosity. 

She dives into common parental anxieties, such as navigating children's exposure to online images and discussions around nudity within the home, emphasizing the importance of creating a shame-free environment. She highlights the necessity for parents to first address their own internal "parts" before engaging in conversations about sexuality with their children, stressing that curiosity, rather than judgment, creates a safe space for open dialogue.

Jennifer offers practical advice for handling challenging situations such as when children engage in sexual exploration, emphasizing the power of pausing and reflecting before reacting. She also addresses the cultural information gap surrounding sexuality, suggesting valuable resources like age-appropriate books and trusted adults to help bridge this gap. 

Furthermore, Jennifer discusses the importance of replacing judgment-laden terms like "appropriate" and "inappropriate" with clear, directive language, and explores the impact of cultural polarization on children's understanding of sexuality, contrasting the shame-based approach prevalent in the US with more open European perspectives.

Ultimately, this episode emphasizes that a foundational understanding of one's own internal system is essential for effectively raising sexually healthy children.

About Jennifer:

Jennifer Wiessner is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, sex educator, couples therapist and consultant in Maine.

She has a private therapy and sexual health consultation practice and sees couples, groups and adult individuals. She created and facilitated the Girls on Fire workshops for teens and the popular Raising Sexually Healthy Children workshops which educate parents, medical providers and educators.. Along with being a Sex and faith educator and a public speaker on healthy sexuality in hospitals, schools, colleges, and social groups; Jennifer provides non-therapy individual and couples consultations to get them on track with their sexual selves. Jennifer was the 2023 winner of Maine Family Planning's Significant Contributor Award for Sexual Health Education. Jennifer is a mom to two teenage sons and partnered with Greg of 25 years, all of whom inspire her to do her work.

Connect with Jennifer:

Website: https://jenniferwiessnerhealthysexuality.com/ 

Instagram: ⁠https://www.instagram.com/jwiessnersextherapist/⁠

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