We're back on our Netflix's THE TOYS THAT MADE US bullshit and this time we're talkin' HELLO KITTY with special guest (and fan favorite) Jessica! What is kawaii and how did it lead us to Funko Pop? Why does Hello Kitty own a quadrupedal cat? Is HK even a TOY??

PLUS: TRU Wasteland and the REAL Hidden Figures. Adventures in NECA Turtles preorders. This podcast is now about Kimmy Schmidt and makeup. Does Kanye have some good ideas? (spoiler: no). Dilbert-bashing. Domo. Death of a Door-to-Door Hello Kitty Salesman.

WELCOME TO THE TOY INDUSTRY.

theme music: moreofthat.bandcamp.com

MEET BRIAN THE INTERN. I can't believe we never mentioned him before, but he's been here all along, setting up our mics and wiping our asses. We pay the sucker in 'experience'--can you believe that?

Anyway, this one's a whirlwind of topics. Adam, the Wine Boi, teaches us how to grift radio prizes. Blake catches up on the Marvel films and there are MAJOR SPOILERS FOR INFINITY WAR and other older Marvel movies so just don't. We talk about the battle for colorful rocks and how this one jerk, Thanos, can suck the joy out of an audience with a snap of his fingers.

Also: Toy Journalists, and HOW DO THEY AFFORD ALL THOSE WONDERFUL TOYS??. An evil doll shared universe (and more Chucky). Kingdom Hearts. More beef with busts. PETER DINK. Blake doesn't understand horror movies. What are Scary Dolls?

FOAM TONY THE INCREDIBLE LIFESIZE IRON FRIEND ($1300 USD).

Jurassic Park toys are back, baby. Chewbacca and Greedo's Buddy Road Trip Comedy (TM--a spec script Adam wrote as an over-imaginative child).

BIG BAD TOY STORE IS HAVING A MOTU CLASSICS SALE AND THESE FIGS ARE JUST MUST-HAVES.

The 4 quadrants of collecting.

And finally...UPCOMING TOYS AND COLLECTIBLES OF NOTE IN PREVIEWS MAGAZINE. Thanks, Diamond Distributors!

Again, **INFINITY WAR SPOILERS AHOY**

Adam and Blake return with special guest Josh Arnett (the three best Film Friends there ever were) to begin what will undoubtedly be an ongoing discussion of the representation of toys in film. We discuss: Child's Play, Raggedy Ann & Andy: A Musical Adventure, Small Soldiers, Big, and Batman Returns (not a toy movie). We flirt with: The 40-Year-Old Virgin, The Toy, Weird Science, Toy Story, and TOYS (1992). Blake wishes with every part of his soul that full-time toy tester was a real job.

Guest star: Jessica (AKA Mister Producer)

Theme music by More of That (moreofthat.bandcamp.com)

Content note: Danny DeVito's nude body, hairless and writhing in goo, bird-deformed, and otherwise nasty.

It's a very special husband/wife mini-episode to fill in a gap due to scheduling problems! Everyone loves this sort of thing! WARNING: THIS EPISODE DOES NOT FEATURE ADAM. Blake and Jessica go live with 2 actual baby children for a very cute Lego minifigure unbagging (I'm told that opening products is now the most popular genre of media for kids). Blake comes up with a pun so great he has to name the episode after it.

ALSO: WE HAVE A THEME SONG. WE HAVE A THEME SONG. WE HAVE A THEME SONG. "Shelf Life" original theme music written by Josh Head (a different Josh) and performed by More Of That (www.moreofthat.bandcamp.com).

We still don't know if we have a theme song yet! Listen to find out I guess? Blake and Adam join the Fortnite fandom/Blake is very bad at video games. Listener Q&A--not just a one-time thing!

THE BEST TOY OF ALL TIME! Michael Keaton's really cool one-of-a-kind ToyBiz shirt. The oversaturation of blindbox trinkets (Funko's fault). LOTS OF TIME SPENT TALKING ABOUT COMICS INSTEAD OF TOYS. Hanna-Barbera/Jetsons. Rocky the Caveman. More ToyFare magazine! The Four Horsemen and their disturbing alter egos. FIGURE REVIEWS of Mattel's BATWOMAN and Hasbro's CABLE!

We get an amazing care package from a very special friend. Spoilers: It's vintage TOYFARE magazines! Also: Pour one out for Geoffrey the dead giraffe. Muckman. D'amienne Wayne. Lion-o? More like Ugg-o. Marvel's Legend. Listener questions. Guess That Bio!

That's right, after a grueling 11 episodes, Shelf Life is beginning a new season. This time, there's twice the amount of everything you love! Twice the toys, twice the...boys? Double your fun, double your sadness. We answer listener questions. We remember the SciFi Catalog. We talk about Frida Kahlo for a while for some reason?

SHELF LIFE AFTER DARK: Toy Fair 2018 In Review! The hot takes you've been dying for.

NOTE: We discussed Playmates' Star Trek figures, but I forgot to mention they had serial numbers on their feet, and they are definitely 4.5" tall--VERY IMPORTANT AND FUN TOYFACTS.

Standard apology: We are so sorry it took us a month to review one episode of a show.

Phew, glad that's over. I feel better. So, this time we talked about Netflix's show THE TOYS THAT MADE US: GI JOE to wrap up our show coverage (until they make more). The bad news is we mostly got on tangents and the podcast is 70% Back to the Future references.

Sorry, again, that Josh keeps saying "back-cards." And also sorry that Adam sings. It's really hard to switch him off once he gets going.

Content notes: The Fighting Yank, Mister Sexy, "As Am I", K-mart toy aisle crying fits, FACE PARTS: an original screenplay, trademark us.

This time we discuss Netflix's The Toys That Made Us episode 3: Masters of the Universe. Actual artist Gary Bedell joins us. We discover the best inspirational catchphrase the world has ever known. I gotta say this one is pretty funny and good y'all.

Content notes: Wonderbread He-Man, Gettin' our balls back, If You Liked It Then You Should've Put A Saddle On It

This episode is the first half of our coverage of Netflix's "The Toys That Made Us" docuseries, discussing Star Wars and Barbie toys. Straight off the top I want to apologize for referring to Batwoman as Batgirl (or allowing Josh to do so).

Special guests(!): Jess and Josh.

Bullet points: Definition of toyetic. Barbie fucks. Josh's sign from God. Wet Barbie. Wine spill.

George Lucas declined to be interviewed for this podcast.