Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You

By Cathy ChenParenting Kids & Family

Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You episodes

April 03, 2024More About Motivation and What It Is and Isn't
How many of you actually felt like doing your homework as a kid? During this episode, we’re talking more about motivation; a topic that keeps resurfacing in our conversations with kids. What if discipline was more valuable than motivation? Join us as we explore how to respond to kids who cite a lack of motivation as their reason for achieving below their capabilities. Delving into our childhood experiences, we consider our respective approach to working as Deans and unpack what it might look like to encourage your kids as they develop the muscle of discipline by doing hard things. We also take a look at what may lie below what kids experience as a lack of motivation and discuss an alternative way of understanding what might cause them to feel that way. Listen in to hear all this and more!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:00:50] The topic we are revisiting during this episode: motivation.
[0:01:19] Feedback Cathy has received from her students on motivation.
[0:04:01] Weighing in on how we all felt about our homework as children.
[0:06:52] What kids are really looking for in the moment: motivation to do their homework.
[0:09:46] How Meredith and Cathy would define their style of work as Deans.
[0:13:10] Teaching kids to develop the muscle of discipline.
[0:18:51] Why it is beneficial to push your kids to do hard things.
[0:22:31] Managing your own discomfort at seeing your kids suffer.
[0:28:40] How technology robs students of sitting with their own discomfort.
[0:30:49] What kids can conflate motivation with: fear.
[0:35:00] Why discipline is ultimately more valuable than motivation.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
The Value Sort App
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
36 min
March 27, 2024Wait. How Many APs Does My Kid Need to Take??
We have a timely, but great, episode topic for listeners today! Course sign-ups. Everyone is gathering information, course catalogs are out, kids are having meetings with their counselors, and all this brought up a very interesting point of discussion. How to talk about rigor, as it pertains to the college admissions process. Join the conversation as Cathy and Meredith dive deep into how they approach the conversation about rigor, why colleges care about it, and their thoughts on the reality of taking “the most rigorous curriculum” at school. They answer a commonly asked question, share guidance on how to support a child who wishes to pursue a more rigorous curriculum, and explain why playing the game ultimately comes down to a choice. Through this conversation, Cathy and Meredith aim to clarify how broad rigor can look for students all over the country, to help parents realize that there is indeed a range of rigor, and that the rigor conversation can be hard for both parents and students to swallow. Cathy and Meredith (like all parents for their kids) truly want kids to have all the options, but unfortunately, that’s not the world and how it works these days. Stick around to hear their insightful thoughts on this topic on another episode of Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:40] Our timely topic for today’s podcast.
[0:02:20] Why it’s a tricky situation to talk about rigor.
[0:03:50] Cathy explains how she approaches the conversation about rigor.
[0:04:30] How rigor is measured.
[0:04:40] Why colleges (particularly highly selective ones) care about rigor.
[0:09:00] Thoughts on the reality of taking on the most rigorous curriculum in the high school.
[0:10:10] Why it’s important to realize that rigor exists on a spectrum.
[0:10:30] Is it better to get a B or C in honors classes or get an A in regular classes?
[0:14:30] The importance of knowing your kids and having (tough) honest conversations.
[0:15:45] A minute to defend our colleagues still working in schools.
[0:18:10] Guidance on how to support your child pursuing a more rigorous curriculum.
[0:23:20] Prompting a more fundamental question to parents.
[0:24:00] The choice to play this game.
[0:25:30] Other great options (that don’t require you to play this game).
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
26 min
March 20, 2024What Is An Admissions Hook?
Get ready for a juicy and salacious topic in this week’s episode of Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You! Join Cathy and Meredith as they dive into the concept of 'hooks' in the college admission process. They explore what hooks are and discuss the various types, including the nuanced world of athletic recruitment, the use of arts, what advancement is (and is not), and the reality of letters from trustees. Cathy shares a concrete example demonstrating the effectiveness of a true hook, and they leave the audience with a necessary truth about highly selective admission in the United States! Don’t miss out on this real and insightful episode. Thanks for tuning in!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:00] The salacious topic of today’s episode!
[0:01:44] Thinking you can take advantage of a “hook” in the admissions process.
[0:02:00] How Cathy would define “the hook” in admissions.
[0:03:35] We take a look at different types of hooks.
[0:05:10] Our hot-take on the different divisions of athletic recruitment.
[0:10:30] Using arts as a hook (like dance or music performance).
[0:15:45] The thing people get most uncomfortable about: advancement (or money).
[0:18:00] Why advancement (as a hook) is more than writing a check.
[0:20:00] Kids with letters from trustees (or really fancy people).
[0:23:14] Can hooks work? We end off with a concrete example.
[0:25:45] The courts will most likely be coming for legacy and advancement etc.
[0:26:00] The truth: highly selective admission in the USA is not a meritocracy.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
29 min
March 13, 2024Interview with Psychotherapist, Rebecca Li: A Parent’s Guide to Teen Therapy
Are you curious about seeking mental health support for your teen but worried about the stigma? Here’s what you need to know! Therapy or counseling can support adolescents through a variety of life events, important self-discovery moments, school-related stress, and mental health issues like anxiety and depression. It can also be used to prevent minor (and totally normal) issues from turning into problems later on. To help us dispel some of the common misconceptions about therapy and gain some insight into its measurable benefits, we are joined by Rebecca Li, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. In this episode, you’ll learn more about Rebecca’s methodology, hear her advice for skeptical parents, and discover valuable resources that you can lean on to help you make an informed decision about whether or not therapy is the right choice for your family. Tune in for all this and much more!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:00:50] Introducing today’s guest, psychotherapist and former lawyer, Rebecca Li.
[0:02:43] Insight into Hakomi; a powerful experiential psychotherapy methodology.
[0:05:37] Dispelling the stigma around mental health, particularly for immigrant families.
[0:07:27] Advice for parents whose children have been referred to therapy.
[0:11:27] Some of the measurable positive impacts of therapy.
[0:14:00] Distinguishing between normal adolescent behavior and abhorrent behavior.
[0:15:30] Tips for parents to manage their own anxiety and expectations for their kids.
[0:24:56] How Hakomi therapy supports and promotes change through internal awareness.
[0:28:08] Why it’s important to Rebecca that her clients feel celebrated, not just validated.
[0:29:40] The value of removing judgment, taking a deep breath, and “zooming out.”
[0:33:56] Simple words of wisdom for anxious parents: slow down a notch!
[0:37:00] Reasons to celebrate more and problem-solve less.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Rebecca Li
Rebecca Li on LinkedIn
Rebecca Li on Instagram
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
39 min
March 06, 2024It’s Meredith’s Turn! Insights From Our Resident Teen Whisperer
Today on Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You, we are chatting to one of our hosts, Meredith Herrera about her life and career so our listeners can better get to know her. Tuning in, you’ll hear all about what drew Meredith to education, almost working for the Secret Service, the school administrative roles she’s had throughout her career, and more! We delve into why Meredith doesn’t actually find teenagers exhausting and what she loves about working with them before discussing what teens need from the adults around them. Finally, Meredith tells us what she would be doing if she weren’t an educator. To hear all this and so much more, press play now!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:03:20] A bit about Meredith’s background and what drew her to education.
[0:06:33] Her job offer for the Secret Service and what the training was like.
[0:09:38] The different kinds of roles Meredith has had in schools throughout her career.
[0:13:42] What Meredith likes about working with teenagers.
[0:18:34] Meredith outlines what teenagers need from the adults around them.
[0:25:52] What Meredith would do if she weren’t an educator.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Meredith Herrera
Meredith Herrera on LinkedIn
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
28 min
February 28, 2024How Do I Make My Kid More Resilient?
Kids today, with their readily available smartphones, so easily avoid uncomfortable situations. But if we, as parents, constantly try to “fix” life for them, are we setting them up for a successful life as adults? Today we broach an idea in adolescent development, terminology you might have heard before; Orchid Children or Dandelion Children. These terms are often used to describe the temperaments of certain kids (even though not everyone is squarely an Orchid or a Dandelion). Join the conversation as Meredith and Cathy dive into what is meant by Orchid and Dandelion kids and we share tons of real-life examples of how low-distress tolerance children react to uncomfortable situations. They delve into the parental instinct to “fix” our child’s discomfort, the moral of today’s episode, and how the realness of this topic can have dire consequences in later adolescence and adulthood. Don’t miss out on all the insightful nuggets and practical tips for navigating children with low distress tolerance, on this episode of Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You. Thanks for tuning in!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:30] What we want to talk about in this week’s episode.
[0:02:04] Cathy explains what is meant by Orchid and Dandelion kids.
[0:05:30] We dive into why Orchid kids can be harder to parent than Dandelion kids.
[0:06:15] Sensitivity versus fragility.
[0:07:00] What we see (most) in the kids we work with.
[0:10:30] Examples of how low-distress tolerance children react to uncomfortable situations.
[0:17:30] We chat about Cathy’s lack of shyness (both now and growing up).
[0:19:20] Our instincts as parents to “fix” our child’s discomfort.
[0:19:44] A quick disclaimer of what we are not talking about.
[0:20:15] Cathy shares a real-life example of a response from parents.
[0:23:14] The moral of today’s episode: kids need to do hard things.
[0:24:40] Our thoughts on today’s kids getting their driver’s licenses.
[0:25:52] The Chicken with Bones in It story.
[0:29:00] When “this stuff” gets real: building emotional stress tolerance.
[0:29:55] What Cathy tells the kids she sees who are struggling with this.
[0:31:55] How we encourage kids that they have what it takes to do what is needed.
[0:33:00] Practical tips for navigating children with low-distress tolerance.
[0:35:10] Meredith walks listeners through the T-I-P strategy.
[0:40:00] What we recommend not to do.
[0:44:44] Phrases you can stick on their wall.
[0:47:30] Normalizing being bad at something new.
[0:49:40] The importance of parents working out their own issues.
[0:54:14] Being demonstrative about your child’s accomplishment of a hard thing.
[0:56:00] #Growth.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
57 min
February 21, 2024Am I Too Easy on My Kid?
Finding the balance between holding your children accountable and having boundaries while keeping the peace and happiness in the home is a delicate task. In today’s episode of Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You, we are unpacking one of the most difficult issues parents face and helping you figure out if you’re too easy on your kid. Tuning in, you’ll hear all about our approaches with teens, why they often see us as harder on them than their parents are, why you have to hold your children accountable, and much more! We delve into defining your family standards, how to include children in that process, and why peace isn’t always possible before we discuss the dangers of talking too much. Your child’s future and ability to be a well-rounded, successful human is more important than being liked by your teenager and today, we remind you that you aren’t always going to be liked by your teenager and why that’s okay! Finally, we touch on sustaining yourselves as parents instead of relying on gratification from your children. This is an incredibly important episode so be sure to press play now!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:08] One of the biggest issues parents face: how to know if they are finding the best balance between peace and boundaries with their children.
[0:05:43] How we approach the work we do with teenagers and why we are harder on them than their parents are.
[0:12:21] Why asking students how they feel about their academic choices is so beneficial.
[0:14:12] The importance of holding your teens accountable as parents.
[0:17:09] Defining your standards as a family, including older children, and accepting that peace is not always possible.
[0:20:43] The dangers of talking too much and lecturing adolescents and why trust and respect are imperative.
[0:27:03] How communities of parents can be supportive and why you cannot rely on gratification from your teenagers to sustain yourself.
[0:29:31] Why you do not need to be liked by your teenager and do not always have to like them.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
40 min
February 14, 2024What is Teen Life Coaching?
Teen coaching is about helping teenagers with academics, college, self-esteem, self-awareness, and so much more! It’s basically all about coaching them in life! Today we are peeling back the layers of what we do every day and explaining all things teenage life coaching to you. Listening in, you’ll hear what teen life coaching actually is, why we got into it and why Cathy started Village Coaches, how we approach our work, the importance of trust, rapport, and respect, and much more! We then discuss the most common topics we discuss in coaching sessions before we talk about why coaching isn’t right for every kid and what we do not do in sessions. We even delve into some examples of how we build relationships with our clients. Finally, we share how vulnerable we get with teens in our coaching sessions and how that builds rapport. To hear all this and so much more, press play now!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:10] What teen life coaching actually is.
[0:03:05] Why we started coaching teenagers.
[0:09:12] How we approach our work and the importance of building a relationship with the teenagers we coach.
[0:17:36] The most common teen life coaching topics we delve into and how we know what to focus on.
[0:32:38] Why coaching is not right for every kid, who is and isn’t a good fit, and what we avoid doing in sessions.
[0:47:55] How vulnerable we get with our kids in sessions.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Village Coaches
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
54 min
February 07, 2024How To Have a Productive Conversation About Grades
Typically, teenagers aren’t always super open, available, or excited to tell you about their report cards. That’s why, in today’s episode, we’re spilling the beans about how you can have a productive, constructive, and empathetic conversation about grades with your teen and help them go from grade-obsessed panic to independently accepting responsibility for their academic performance. Tune in as we discuss the importance of checking in regularly, asking open-ended questions, being curious about your kid’s academic life, getting additional context from their teachers, focusing on performance rather than achievement, and much more!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:01:41] Counterproductive ways our parents talked to us about our report cards.
[0:03:05] How we coach kids (and parents) to discuss their academic performance.
[0:04:44] Why you shouldn’t make the conversation all about the letter/number grade.
[0:07:00] Open-ended, reflective ways to talk about grades before grades come out.
[0:09:51] The role that schools and teachers play in cultivating a fixation on grades.
[0:12:58] Reasons to talk about learning and performance rather than achievement.
[0:15:39] Making a habit of checking in regularly versus only discussing poor grades.
[0:18:22] Strategies to help your teens succeed, regardless of external circumstances.
[0:25:13] How to know if a tutor would be a helpful tool for your teen.
[0:26:37] When it’s appropriate to contact the school or a teacher about a specific grade.
[0:31:25] Our opinion on why tutors should be temporary.
[0:34:42] Key themes and takeaways from this conversation.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
36 min
January 24, 2024How to Pick a College Major Wisely
Embarking on the journey of higher education often begins with a pivotal decision: choosing a college major. Choosing a college major wisely is crucial because it sets the foundation for your academic journey and, to an extent, your professional path. Making a thoughtful choice can align your studies with your interests, skills, and career aspirations, increasing the likelihood of satisfaction and success in your future endeavors. It can also be a stressful time for parents who often worry about their child's future, but fear not, we are here to help! In this episode, we delve into selecting a major that aligns with your passions, skills, and future aspirations. We discuss how to uncover your passion, what majors should be avoided, and common mistakes students when picking majors. Discover why it's okay not to have a clear-cut career path before stepping into college and the benefits of cultivating broad interests beforehand. We also unpack the pitfalls of prioritizing monetary gain over passion, the risks of choosing high-demand majors for the wrong reasons, effective approaches for students to explore the diversity of available majors, changing majors during college, and much more! Join us as we navigate the complexities of selecting a college major and how to empower students and parents in this crucial decision-making process. Tune in now!
Key Points From This Episode:
[0:00:00] Introduction and outline of today’s topic: how to pick a college major wisely.
[0:02:18] Why your child does not need to have a clear career direction before college.
[0:03:55] Cultivating your child's broad interests ahead of applying for college.
[0:07:15] Leveraging what your child does not like to uncover their interests.
[0:10:15] Working with students who are certain about their interests and career path.
[0:11:50] High-demand majors that get picked for the wrong reasons.
[0:13:52] Approaches for helping students to learn about the different majors available.
[0:17:34] The pitfalls of choosing majors solely for monetary gain.
[0:18:42] Changing majors during college and why it is normal.
[0:20:28] Advice for students and parents worried about future career opportunities.
[0:24:15] Discover the majors that are sequential in coursework structure.
[0:25:13] Common mistakes students make when choosing their majors.
[0:30:14] Closing comments and final takeaways.
Links Mentioned in Today’s Episode:
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You
Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You on Instagram
31 min

About Sh*t Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You

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Shit Your Teenagers Won’t Tell You brings you candid conversations with experts in psychology, education, and college admissions — so you can better understand your teen and help them…