Somebody Wrote This

Take Bridget Jones and Sex and the City, subtract the humanity and the light, and you're left with Jane Green's Jemima J, an indictment of the late 90s and all the rollerblading and suede that came with them. We're treated to some world-class fat shaming here, along with very early catfishing, staggering generalizations, and characters that are tanned, starving husks of people meat, their souls having long departed if they were ever there at all. And do not fear: if you wait around long enough and lose so much weight that the man of your dreams no longer recognizes you, you just might just get him to love you back. xoxo, JJ

A librarian acquires a new lover on a business trip to Northern Ontario, except that he's a bear, as in not a human at all. But is it a bear or a symbol of the reaffirmation of her sexuality and a victory over her alienation from her own body, its desires and the sublimation of her needs into an eroticism that is palatable to men? It's a bear.

Kelly and Lexi are back and the first in line at the liquor store to recount the tale of a cataloguer and her furry new boyfriend in Marian Engel's Bear, a book that won awards mainly because of the 1970s.

We're back and so are Heaven, Fanny, Logan, mean old ladies, and incest. It's time to dust off our hilbilly accents and pick up where we left off with the second installment of the Casteel series, Dark Angel by VC Andrews. Heaven may have made it out of the Willies, but desperate poverty and hunger are no match for new hardships like mazes and slightly unfashionable shoes. Featuring the debut club track from the Somebody Wrote This house band, DJs in the Attic!

Baby balls and botheration, we had to read Karen Moline’s Belladonna for your listening displeasure. Have you ever longed to hear the seemingly unedited thoughts of a fat eunuch who is fat and also a eunuch? No? Too bad. Set in hundreds of locations over thousands of years, Tomassino (or Tassimo) tells the story of Ariel Nickerson, a young and fresh-faced dummy who somehow tumbles into sex slavery in 1930s Britain only to become the leading nightclub proprietor of 1950s New York? I don’t know. Revenge something something eunuchs sex cream ostrich rides. The end.

We ventured into the frozen countryside and around the corner to bring you this inevitable special minisode about Sam Taylor-Wood's adaptation of EL James's Fifty Shades of Grey, a movie we thought we would hate, but maybe didn't? Is this episode almost as long as the movie (which was too long)? Maybe. Were we happy to see Charlie Tango? Definitely. Did Lexi get upset about sweaters again? You know it. Join us for this celebration of Dakota Johnson that turns into a therapy session about Jamie Dornan's shark eyes. We had so much to say, there might be some written follow-ups. Not sorry.

What do bottles, brothels and bladders of fat have in common? I wish I could say nothing. Tragically, however, the answer is Teleny, an upsetting attempt at Victorian erotica attributed to Oscar Wilde, although didn't the man suffer enough indignities to be spared this?

Human delight Sarah joins Lexi in London to wade through this smutty imbroglio and tackle the unexplainable shared visions and magic anatomy that left them bewildered and uneasy. Unlike poodles and young Arabs. Sorry for the nightmares and happy holidays.

Ghosts, goblins and ghouls? That's nothing compared to crazy sweaters, wine metaphors and mixed-creature yoga. The scariest thing we've read so far is A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness, all the more terrifying for being the first in a series.

The sun, the surf, palms trees nodding gently in the tropical breeze, laser discs and well-oiled sex slaves whimpering...Welcome to the all-inclusive resort you'll wish you'd never heard of, The Club, from Exit to Eden by Anne Rice (or Anne Rampling). Kelly and Lexi are joined by Fiona; this is her first dirty book and they are so very, very sorry. There's the usual (Lexi's Confusion Corner, Unacceptable Euphemisms) and some brand-new horrors to contend with (butter and cinnamon), but we can guarantee that you'll feel what the French call a frisson of disgust somewhere along the way.

Yes, it's that Mark Gatiss and no, he shouldn't have: Lexi and J discuss Christian Fall's The King's Men from Nottingham. Ostensibly set during the English Civil War, this work of skin-crawling pornography made us angry and despairing in turns, what with its toe-sucking and impromptu orgies, the libel and all the sweat. If you like history or sex or love or birds, I'm sorry but they don't survive this book. RIP those things. Listen as Lexi struggles to recall who's boned whom and J sets the record straight about wooden buttons and Prince Rupert. Also, there is also a mobile sex-slave unit in it. This is the kind of book that pseudonyms are for.

While Lexi's gallivanting through the Highlands, Kelly does the next best thing and watches a sexy Scot ride through them on her television. The much anticipated Outlander series (based on the novels by Diana Gabaldon) premiered and all the right people saw it. Lori and Kelly discuss the lush brown hills, exposition coming to life, and hair. Do the images on screen match up to what they've imagined from the book? Which scene was worth a rewind? And most importantly, how hot was Jamie? Even Sound Man Marc can't help but put in his two cents.