St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio

The quarter is finally over! Melody and her bf Nate are here to commentate the final assembly. Melody has an additional task to finish, however, and she only hopes it won’t end with everyone else dead…

NATE

Hey Manticores! My name is Nathaniel Bryant and in a few minutes I’ll be covering the end-of-quarter assembly held at St. Merlinda’s School. Where’s Melody, you ask? She’s actually right here with me. How’d I do with the intro, Mel?

MELODY

I suppose it’ll do.

NATE

What?? But I practiced for minutes. FULL MINUTES.

MELODY

Don’t worry, I’m just kidding. Although, I suppose “Manticores” might not be the best way to address today’s audience. The students are all in this room with us, not listening to the broadcast. We’re only streaming this for the sake of all the magical parents who can’t attend. Aside from that, your intro was great.

NATE

Thank the gods. I was afraid you’d need to kick me off your show for being so bad.

MELODY

I wouldn’t do that! Besides, I’m not so wonderful either. I passed out on my own show last week. How mortifying.

NATE

You hear that, Manticores? I mean, Manticore parents? You’re clearly in good hands.

MELODY

As good as they can be, I hope. At least I shouldn’t pass out this time. I’ve only had one cup of coffee today.

NATE

But your hands are still shaking.

MELODY

Well, that’s because…

NATE

Because you have to sing today.

MELODY

Yeah.

NATE

You’ll be fine.

MELODY

It’s not me I’m worried about.

NATE

I’ll be fine too. I brought ear plugs, see?

MELODY

Oh. I suppose that’s the smart thing to do.

NATE

Perhaps so, but guess what I’m going to do with them?

MELODY

I can’t believe you just threw them into the crowd! What if you’d hit someone?

NATE

Then someone gets a free pair of ear plugs. They were unused and I don’t plan to use them.

MELODY

But…

NATE

Melody, you’re overthinking this. You’ve been practicing all summer with your mentor, right? And she’s fine. You can control yourself now. What happened before was a mistake.

MELODY

A deadly mistake.

NATE

Really? I didn’t realize I was a zombie.

MELODY

Nate…

NATE

I’m serious. You’ll be fine.

MELODY

We’ll see. Anyway, how were your finals?

NATE

They were okay, I guess. My sessions with my mentor have focused on being able to control dreams. Not just enter them, but to change them. If I’d had this power back when we first met, I could’ve turned your nightmare into something more pleasant. And I can also make good dreams bad…

MELODY

And your final?

NATE

I had to go into someone’s head and change their dreams based on the instructions my mentor gave me. I passed.

MELODY

Wonderful. I hope I can say the same soon enough.

NATE

You will. You just need to have more faith in yourself.

MELODY

I’ll try. Oh, Principal Ravenstone is coming to the stage!

NATE

Forewarning to our listeners: the principal tries to speak in a British accent because she thinks it makes our school seem more “proper” or something. The keyword being “tries”. She’s awful at it.

MELODY

Shhhh. She’s about to speak.

RAVENSTONE

Dear students, parents, and other honored guests of St. Merlinda’s School. I am pleased to have you all here today and am happy to report that your students behaved admirably this quarter. The rate of catastrophic occurrences was lower than it’s been in decades and the majority of students scored highly on their tests. Scores are still coming in for some final assessments, but I expect our passing rate will also exceed the expectations set by our past. You and your students should all be proud.

Now, I could stand here and lecture you about the current state of our establishment and postulate the reasons for your students’ exemplary performances, but I believed you may be more keen to listen to the words of our students themselves. I have therefore invited two outstanding members of our institution to speak on our behalf. First, please welcome to the stage honor student Sydney Griffith.

SYDNEY

Hi everyone. I just want to say, I had an awesome time at the school this quarter. I learned a lot in my classes and gained more control of my powers as someone who is part-phoenix. This school is really invaluable for helping people like me and all of your children so we can learn about our heritages and master techniques for keeping our magic in check. It is thanks to this school that I can go into human society over the next few weeks and not worry I’ll accidentally set a building on fire. I can live my life without the fear I’ll lose control. I’m truly grateful for that opportunity. Oh, and I’m super sorry I burned the gym down on accident. I promise it won’t happen again.

RAVENSTONE

Thank you, Sydney. That was…touching. St. Merlinda’s is happy to help our students as they train to better themselves. We understand that growing pains can occur during the process. On that note, if you are interested in donating to the school, please check the receptacles in the lobby once you leave. It is due to your generous contributions that we are able to provide a safe place for our students to discover their true selves.

Before we disperse, however, we have a few more portions of the program to cover, including our second student speaker. Please welcome Petra Thompson to the stage.

NATE

I bet you’re happy about this, Melody.

MELODY

Shhhh.

PETRA

Greetings, inhabitants of the auditorium. I am here today to deliver to you an important message. St. Merlinda’s is not the open, caring environment Principal Ravenstone would like you to view it as. Discrimination is a regular practice here and this assembly is a perfect example of it. Have you noticed the adults seated around you are all of the human species? Yet, your children are not fully human. Where is the other source of their genetics? Why are their magical parents not allowed to attend? The barring of magical creatures from these halls is a discriminatory act, plain and simple. Do not support an institution so corrupt and ineptly-run as—-

NATE

Uh, I think they cut her mic.

MELODY

They definitely cut her mic. I kind of feel bad for her, honestly. As unbearable as she is, she has a good point. But this is hardly the place to promote it.

NATE

I don’t know. I think it’s the perfect place to promote it.

MELODY

Ah, she’s been escorted off stage now. Principal Ravenstone is back.

RAVENSTONE

My apologies. You know how these children can be – their emotions get the better of them sometimes. Ms. Thompson originally submitted a different speech that I believe is a much more reliable interpretation of her feelings toward this school. Given her current state, I will read the speech in her place.

“If you are sitting in this room, you should consider yourself blessed. Either you, your child, or a loved one are getting to experience the support and guidance provided to magical hybrids by St. Merlinda’s School. Every single staff member is an asset to the program and each one contributes to the school’s culture in their own way. At the same time, St. Merlinda’s varied body of students enables us to interact with diverse perspectives and become well-rounded individuals. I’m truly grateful I have had the opportunity to spend time at St. Merlinda’s and I’m looking forward to returning in the fall.”

Ah, what a wonderful speech. I am glad to hear that so many of our students are happy with their time here. We have had many individuals pass through our halls and emerge as exemplary leaders and intelligent workers. I expect that with the exceptional progress shown by the many students in this hall your children will be able to attain an even higher level of achievement. It has been an absolutely delightful quarter and I would love to see your bright, smiling faces back in this auditorium in a few weeks time.

Melody Martin, a stellar singer among our students, will close out the program by performing our school anthem. Please come to the stage, Melody.

MELODY

Oh no.

NATE

You can do it, Mel.

MELODY

We’ll see…

NATE

Mel’s heading to the stage now, listeners. And- oh, shoot, she tripped. But she seems to be fine and someone’s helping her back onto her feet. Honestly, I’m a bit worried about her, but not for the reasons she thinks. I talked with her instructor and I know Mel can do this without hurting anyone. But Mel…she doesn’t hold the same belief, and that can seriously mess things up. I’m sure the school has a back-up plan in case something happens, but I’d just feel bad for Mel. She loves to sing and I’d hate for her to have more reasons to avoid it.

Okay, she’s on the stage. It’s time. She can do this. I know she can.

MELODY

We have been conquered

But nothing can stop us

We have been challenged

But at St. Merlinda’s

This is our journey

We’ll face more battles

St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio is made with Jetpack Podcast. Full show notes and every episode at https://stmerlindas.wordpress.com/

It’s finals week and Melody has had a bit too much coffee.

Melody

Hello Manticores! My name is Melody Martin and it is finally FINALS WEEK. Have you all been studying? Because I have! I’ve been up for the past 48 hours trying to study! But I couldn’t leave you guys hanging, so I brought my best friend coffee with me to get me through the show!

I’m the only one in the studio right now, so I don’t have anyone to give me any news. The school has been pretty quiet over the week because everyone’s been studying because it’s finals week. Yup, it’s finals week. Have I said that already?

Now that i think about it “pretty quiet” is a weird phrase. Quiet doesn’t have a physical appearance, so how can it be pretty? Unless there was a person named Quiet and they were pretty, but I don’t think that’s what the phrase means. good thing this won’t be on one of my final exams!

Speaking of finals, I’m petrified of mine! The written ones should be fine. Like my Myths & Truths class. Guess what – unicorns aren’t even real! Even in the magical world, they’re a myth. Crazy, right? But Hercules – that dude totally existed. I am going to ace this test.

But I have a problem, listeners. My mentor has assigned the stupidest final I can think of. She wants me to sing the school anthem at the end-of-quarter assembly next week. Is she crazy? I could kill everyone! She seems to think I won’t, but I’m terrified. I’ve had no trouble singing in front of her recently, and she’s even brought in a few other people for me to sing to, but the whole school? I can’t do that. No way.

But if I don’t, I’ll fail my final, which automatically means a failing grade in that class. It’s such bull, asking me to endanger my classmates for a test. My mentor is confident that I can pass, which is why she’s making me do it, but what does she know? She never accidentally sung her boyfriend to death. Sure, he’s fine now, but that doesn’t change the past. Well, it does, but it doesn’t change how I feel about the past. This is so stupid.

But look at me, talking about myself! I know you guys hate that. I’m going to check the chatroom now.

Hmm, this comment from Yoshiko Rye seems familiar for some reason. “You better lose yourself in the music, the moment you want it, you better never let it-” Hey, this is an Eminem song. What are you trying to do? make me sing?

Yoshiko just posted “trolololo”. that was mean, yoshiko. I could’ve hurt someone.

Darryl March-Marc-Marchand is wondering if I’m okay. I’m totally fine. I have coffee. Coffee is the fuel of greatness. I am totally going to ace my finals thanks to coffee. Well, except the singing one, but whatever. You all should do something about that. Like make a petition or something. It worked last time. Otherwise, I might accidentally kill you when I sing, and that would suck for both of us.

Crap, I’m out of coffee. Gotta get more. Be right back

Okay, I’m back with coffee. I also have a guest for today’s show! I found her in the hallway.

HALEY

Um, hello.

MELODY

Okay, so who are you again?

HALEY

My name is Haley [redacted] and I’m part-elf. And I’m not sure why I’m here.

MELODY

Because I need a guest for every show, silly. It wouldn’t be a complete program without you.

HALEY

Oh, okay. So…do you want to interview me about something?

MELODY

Sure, sure. How are your feelings about coffee?

HALEY

I don’t actually drink coffee.

MELODY

WHAT? How are you even awake right now?

HALEY

Well…I slept last night.

MELODY

Crap, I should’ve thought about that.

HALEY

I take it your studying isn’t going well.

MELODY

No, it’s gone perfectly. I’m going to ace all my tests and then I’ll be the one laughing.

HALEY

No one here is laughing…

MELODY

Of course they are! The little birds flying around your head are laughing.

HALEY

Melody, there aren’t any birds…

MELODY

Really? I must be getting tired. Time for more coffee.

HALEY

I don’t think-

MELODY

-Don’t think I’ve had enough coffee? Don’t worry, I’ve had enough. More than enough, maybe. No, who am I kidding? You can never have enough coffee.

HALEY

Maybe you should go to the nurse.

MELODY

What? Leave in the middle of my show? Now who’s talking crazy?

HALEY

It’s just…you’re shaking all over.

MELODY

So? shaking isn’t necessarily bad. People shake when they’re cold to warm up. maybe I’m just cold.

HALEY

It’s 68 degrees in this studio.

MELODY

How do you know that?

HALEY

My elf senses tell me so.

MELODY

Whatever. Maybe 68 degrees is cold to me. Maybe you’re elf senses register celsius instead of farenheit.

HALEY

If it was 68 degrees celsius in here, you would definitely not feel cold.

MELODY

I don’t need to take this from you. I’m totally fine. You know what, I’m so fine, that I’m going to go study. See you- *passes out on the ground*

HALEY

Oh no! Um, can someone send a nurse to the radio studio? Melody’s fainted. She doesn’t appear to have injured herself on the way down, but she should probably get medical attention regardless. She’ll be fine in a bit, I’m sure, but for now I think her program today will need to come to an end. How does she usually sign off? Let me see…until good week, Manticores, and next night. no, that doesn’t sound right…well, I’m going to turn the mic off now, so goodbye.

St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio is made with Jetpack Podcast. Full show notes and every episode at https://stmerlindas.wordpress.com/

There’s a thief on campus! He’s snatching the most unsavory of steals…undergarments. Host Melody’s invited the #1 suspect to the show for an impromptu interrogation, sans actual interrogation room.

Melody

Hello Manticores! My name is Melody Martin and I have bad news to report: there’s a thief on campus. And this thief doesn’t steal just anything. He steals women’s underwear. Yes, our campus thief is a pervert.

If you’re a guy, you might be wondering why this is such a big deal. Well, first of all, all types of theft are bad. We’re having items taken from us without our permission. But secondly, it’s a violation. These are personal garments that are not meant to be shared with others. Who knows what kind of sick stuff the thief is doing with the stolen goods?

I’m lucky enough to not have yet been a target of this criminal, but I will stand with my fellow Manticores to help him get caught. This type of behavior is simply inexcusable. I will let all of you in on a secret, however. I have a lead on who the thief may be and have invited him to be my guest on today’s show. My hope is to get a confession out of him.

He has yet to shown up in our office, however, so I’ll give some responses to chat room questions and concerns first.

Sara Kozlov says she’s more upset about the value of her stolen goods than the invasion of privacy. While I think the privacy violation is worse, she brings up a good point. These clothing articles can cost a lot of money. More than a guy might expect. My bra, for example, cost $50. If someone stole it, not only would I feel violated, but I’d be out $50. I agree with Sara that whomever is found responsible should be ordered to pay for the cost of the missing items. Sure, he can return them, but who would want to use them after whatever he’s done to them?

Oh, and before anyone wants to complain about my use of the word “he”, I’m not making my guess of the perp’s gender solely based on sexist notions. Basically, I’m pretty sure my guest today is the thief, and he’s a he, so that’s why I’m using that pronoun. It’s definitely possible for a woman to go around stealing lady’s underwear, but in this case, I don’t think that’s what’s happening.

Sydney’s online and she suggests maybe there isn’t a single thief, but imps causing mischief. She says she’s had many problems with imps bothering her recently and she wouldn’t be surprised if they were stealing things simply to cause trouble.

In some ways, that would be a relief. If I had my underwear stolen, I’d rather it be because of a prank than because some pervert wanting to use them to fulfill his sexual fantasies. Like I said, though, I think I know the person who’s behind this all, and he’s not an imp.

Mikael Ciro thinks I should withhold judgment until I’ve proven the person guilty. Fair enough, Mikael.

Oh, but now Mikael is saying it’s not fair to label someone a pervert just because they’re stealing women’s underwear. That, I don’t quite agree with. Perhaps the thief is just taking them to try to resell, but really, who would buy them? Well, except other perverts, but then we’re back to where we started.

Anyway, it looks like my guest has just arrived, so we’ll find out soon enough.

Welcome, Christian.

CHRISTIAN

Let’s cut to the chase, Melody. I know you just invited me here to show me your boobs.

MELODY

What? No. Of course not.

CHRISTIAN

No need to be coy. When I asked you a few weeks ago, you said you couldn’t show me because there aren’t any visuals in radio. Well, now I’m here in person, and I can see everything.

MELODY

I also said I don’t want to hear anymore about it.

CHRISTIAN

Yes, but you don’t need to hear. Just do.

MELODY

No. And stop looking at my chest.

CHRISTIAN

If you didn’t come here to show me your boobs, why am I here?

MELODY

I actually wanted to ask you about some of the thefts that have been happening on campus.

CHRISTIAN

What are you talking about?

MELODY

Someone on campus has been stealing women’s underwear.

CHRISTIAN

And what does that have to do with me?

MELODY

I want to know if you’re the one doing it.

CHRISTIAN

If by doing it, you mean doing sex, definitely. If you mean stealing things, definitely not.

MELODY

Really? Do you have an alibi for last night, when items went missing from the dorm rooms of three girls in the female dorm?

CHRISTIAN

What is this, an interrogation? What gives you the right to do this?

MELODY

If you’d like, I could recommend you be put in the interrogation room. Or you can prove your innocence here and be spared the experience.

CHRISTIAN

This isn’t fair. You’re totally slandering me.

MELODY

That’s only if the allegations are proven untrue.

CHRISTIAN

Well, they’re not true.

MELODY

Do you have proof?

CHRISTIAN

Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?

MELODY

This isn’t a court of law, Christian, and I’m not arresting you. You’re free to leave if you like, but know that will only confirm my suspicions.

CHRISTIAN

This is ridiculous. You’re ruining my reputation.

MELODY

Your reputation of being a womanizing, perverted satyr? No, I’m not ruining that. If anything, this conversation is reinforcing it.

CHRISTIAN

Look, just because I like the ladies doesn’t mean I’m a pervert.

MELODY

It does if you’re taking underwear without permission.

CHRISTIAN

Which is a total lie! Stop acting like I’m guilty.

MELODY

Christian, look at the side of your thigh.

No, the other one.

CHRISTIAN

This is…

MELODY

Women’s underwear. Stuck to the fur on your leg. Do you really want to keep pretending you had nothing to do with the thefts?

CHRISTIAN

Okay, look, maybe I took a few things. I’ll put them back. No harm done.

MELODY

How would you feel if someone took your underwear and returned it? Would you want to use it then?

CHRISTIAN

First of all, I’m a satyr. I don’t need to wear underwear. Secondly, yes, yes I would. That might even make it better.

MELODY

Gross. Well, there was harm done, and the administration will be the judge of your punishment.

CHRISTIAN

Come on, Melody. I can’t get another strike on my record.

MELODY

Another one?

CHRISTIAN

It doesn’t matter. It’s just…I didn’t mean any harm.

MELODY

Well, you caused some, and now you’ll have to pay the price. And that might be an actual price. Sara calculated that the costs of the missing garments – at least the ones reported – exceeds $300.

CHRISTIAN

If I pay that, can I keep the ones I have?

MELODY

It’s up to the school, but my guess is “no.” At least that’s what I hope it is.

CHRISTIAN

Please, Melody. Don’t tell them. I’ll give you the money if you don’t. Even more – $400.

MELODY

You realize we’re still on air, right?

CHRISTIAN

Oh, crap. Um…bye.

MELODY

Ladies and gentlemen and everyone else, Christian [redacted] just ran out of the studio. I’m not sure where he plans to go. The administration will catch him anywhere on campus and I doubt he’ll run away from school when the quarter’s almost over. The good news is that we know who the thief is now. It was kind of fun questioning him, actually. Maybe I should become a detective.

Anyway, that’s all for today. Until next time, Good night, Manticores.

St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio is made with Jetpack Podcast. Full show notes and every episode at https://stmerlindas.wordpress.com/

A human has appeared on campus! To figure out how she got here, Melody interro…I mean, politely questions the girl. It’s not very effective.

Melody

Hello Manticores! My name is Melody Martin and I’m here today with some special news: there is a human on campus. That’s right – someone who is FULLY human managed to get here. Even the school administration doesn’t know how. There are enchantments all around the campus designed to lead humans astray if they try to enter. From what I’ve been told, she still can’t see full-blooded magical creatures like Instructor Perry, but she can see and hear all of the people and structures that exist in the human realm and magic realm concurrently.

As part of this occasion, I’ve been granted a special privilege: I’ll be interviewing the human right here in the radio studio. The school administration want to determine how she got into the school, but they think the interrogation room isn’t suitable for humans, so they’ve asked me to try to extract the information via an interview. I am truly honored to have this role and I hope to be of great use to the school.

My guest doesn’t yet seem ready, however, so I’ll answer some chatroom questions first.

The first comment comes from…Petra. Great. Petra advises me not to f this up. Thanks for the word of encouragement, Petra.

Alan Sudworth is wondering what the human looks like. Alan, I know you’ve seen a human before. She looks like other humans, I’m sure. It’s not like she’ going to have a tail or wings.

I can see her through the study door, though, so I suppose I can give you some more information. She has curly black hair and dark skin. And she’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt. That’s all, really. What else do you want me to say? After you’ve seen a bunch of magical creatures, humans’ appearances aren’t very remarkable.

Next question comes from Cordelia Paul, who asks whether the human will be harmed for trespassing. That’s a wonderful question, Cordelia. The school administration has assured me no harm will come to the girl. I will ask her questions to try to figure out how she got here, then the school will wipe her memory of this place and send her back into the world. She’ll be fine; it will just be like she’d never come here.

It’s important for us to find out how she passed our defenses so we can reinforce them in the future. If humans start finding this place, we won’t be able to practice our magic freely. In all places where humans and magical creatures coexist, the people with magic must hide their powers for fear of exposing themselves. Some of our gifts can be excused by humans as coincidence or illusion, but others are impossible to disguise. Most of the places we used to practice magic have already become overrun by humans, so it’s vital we keep a place for ourselves.

Ah, our guest is ready. Ina, bring her in.

JASMINE

Um, where am I? No one will tell me.

MELODY

You’re at a radio station, of course. Haven’t you ever been to one?

JASMINE

Well, no. But what station is this?

MELODY

Your favorite.

JASMINE

KIIS?

MELODY

Yeah, that one.

JASMINE

I thought you guys were in Burbank.

MELODY

Oh, that’s just our decoy station.

JASMINE

You have a decoy station?

MELODY

Of course! There are so many fans that try to meet their favorite celebrities by visiting the station. It makes it difficult to conduct our shows there, so we do them elsewhere.

JASMINE

But…why am I here?

MELODY

That’s what I’m wondering too. We try to keep our location secret to avoid trespassers. Do you remember how you got here?

JASMINE

I promise I wasn’t trying to trespass! I was just…let’s see. I was on vacation with my family, and we were having a picnic at the park, but I got bored. So I wandered into the woods and I got lost and somehow ended up here.

MELODY

Interesting. Would you say you were trying to get lost?

JASMINE

What do you mean?

MELODY

Some people say that if you’re trying to get lost, you can find places that can never be found.

JASMINE

I’m confused.

MELODY

Don’t worry about. Oh, would you mind telling me your name? It’s always strange to talk with someone I don’t know. My name is Melody.

JASMINE

Um, my name is Jasmine.

MELODY

Nice to meet you, Jasmine. I just want to ask you a few more questions, if that’s okay.

JASMINE

I guess so, but will you help me get back to my family after? They’re probably getting worried.

MELODY

Of course. You’ll be back with them before you know it. As for my next question…Jasmine, have you ever witnessed something you couldn’t explain?

JASMINE

Like what? I mean, there’s a lot of things in life I can’t explain. Like how the internet works. You can post an image to your website in California and it can be immediately seen by someone in Serbia. Isn’t that crazy?

MELODY

Quite. But I mean things more like…supernatural occurrences. Things no one else can explain either.

JASMINE

Do you have any examples?

MELODY

Someone with wings, perhaps, or someone who can summon fire out of thin air.

JASMINE

*laughs* Is this one of those prank shows? Are you trying to convince me to say something stupid so you can use the video to get lots of hits on Youtube?

MELODY

I’m going to take that as a “no.”

JASMINE

But I will, for the right price. You’re supposed to compensate people, right? For a few Disneyland tickets, I’d be happy to make a fool of myself.

MELODY

Unfortunately, we don’t have any Disneyland tickets here.

JASMINE

Seriously? You’ve been giving them away every hour for the past week. Just call my name as one of the winners and we’ve got a deal.

MELODY

Sorry, Jasmine, but I think our time here is done. I doubt there’s any other information you can give us.

JASMINE

Wait, what? What do you mean?

MELODY

Ina, please take Jasmine to get her memory wiped.

JASMINE

My memory? What are you talking about? No, don’t touch me- *sound gets distant*

MELODY

Poor Jasmine is clearly in distress, but she’ll be fine soon enough. The administration will make sure she gets returned to her family safely. After all, if anything here hurt her, we might accidentally expose ourselves. Plus, it’s not like we’re monsters. She seemed innocent enough to be let go unharmed.

I wish I could have gotten more information out of her, but she was even more baffled than I was. At this point, all we can do is try to strengthen the enchantments around the school and hope that’s enough to keep off future intruders. That means anyone who has found a way to get items delivered to campus from the outside might need to rethink their strategy. Also, don’t be surprised if you’re questioned, because it’s possible your actions are what led to the enchantment weakening. Enchantments aren’t my strong suit, so I’m not really sure. Regardless, that was an exciting moment, and I hope all of you enjoyed it too. Until next time, good night Manticores.

St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio is made with Jetpack Podcast. Full show notes and every episode at https://stmerlindas.wordpress.com/

The current hubbub in school is the removal of chocolate sauce from the cafeteria menu. Seriously. Couldn’t a magical school have more magical scandals?

Melody

Hello Manticores! My name is Melody Martin and I’m here to keep you in the loop about St. Merlinda’s scoop. That’s a good opening, eh? Took me a while to come up with.

Today’s main story has to do with our one and only cafeteria. The cafeteria actually provides higher quality food than I originally expected, and considering it’s offered free of charge to all students, I have no reason to complain. But others have found such a reason. Protests have erupted in the chat and flyers have appeared around the school condemning the removal of a particular menu item: chocolate sauce bowls.

I’m not talking about little dishes to contain chocolate sauce used for ice cream. No, apparently some students were eating cereal bowls filled with nothing but chocolate sauce for dessert. That’s just…it’s a sugar high in the making, no doubt. And just because we’re part-magic doesn’t mean we’re safe from diabetes. School administration has stated they removed the dish for the health of the students and I fully support them. I’m more shocked it was available in the first place.

To be clear, there’s a difference with this type of ban than the ban on potion making, which was recently resolved. Administrators agreed to allow students to make potions as long as there was no evidence of illegal or dangerous potions being created. The flying ban is still in place, though.

Anyway, the difference between this…chocolate sauce scandal and the potion ban is that the potion ban prohibited students to make potions on their own time. In contrast, students are still allowed to eat chocolate sauce if they can acquire it from other sources. It just won’t be provided free by the school anymore.

Why chocolate sauce anyway? It’s a bit disappointing, actually. I’d expect a magical school to have magical scandals. Protests stemming from a ban on chocolate sauce, frankly, aren’t very magical. It’s still a school story, though, so I’m obligated to report on it.

I don’t have much else to say on the issue, however, so let’s check the chatroom.

Darryl Marchand is wondering why I haven’t said anything about Instructor Sty. My answer is that I try not to report on rumors. To be clear, there is a rumor that Instructor Sty got in trouble for drinking ambrosia in the school halls, but that is just a rumor. Consuming ambrosia is banned at the school because its effect on each individual person can’t be judged until after it has been drunk. That being the case, it would be unsafe for students to consume in a school setting, and instructors are not supposed to do anything that might be viewed as encouraging its consumption.

On a related note, ambrosia is meant to be consumed by the gods, so it can be dangerous for mortals. It’s important to consider that Instructor Sty is a descendent of one of the gods, even if he won’t tell us which one. Honestly, I didn’t quite believe him until this point, but if he’s drinking ambrosia, that would make his claim seem more valid.

But, again, this is just a rumor.

Back in the chatroom, Troy Fletcher is offering to sell chocolate sauce to needy individuals for a steep price. Really, Troy? It’s true that Amazon Prime can’t ship here, so it’s difficult to get items from off-campus, but the price you’re charging is insane. How did you get it anyway?

He won’t answer. My guess is that he somehow acquired the remaining stock from the cafeteria. Either that or he’s found a way to get items shipped to campus. I highly discourage my fellow students from trying this. Knowingly bringing humans onto campus is grounds for expulsion. I suppose you could try convincing someone else magical to bring you items from the outside, but it’s still a risk. Chocolate sauce isn’t worth it. Trust me.

My interview guest today would argue otherwise, however. Her name is Cecily [redacted] and she’s the ogre in charge of the protest against the cafeteria’s menu change. And I’m not calling her an ogre to be mean – she’s actually part-ogre. Welcome, Cecily.

CECILY

This chair is too small. Why don’t you have bigger chairs?

MELODY

Oh, well…sorry. Unfortunately, I have no say in the furniture here. I’ll see if Ina can bring in an extra chair, then you can use both.

CECILY

Fine. You should have had that prepared from the beginning, though. Not everyone is a twig.

MELODY

Right. So, now that you’re settled, how are you doing today, Cecily?

CECILY

Absolutely horrid. I can feel myself wasting away after the school decide to deprive us of food.

MELODY

That’s a big of a hyperbole, isn’t it? There is still plenty of food available. Just not chocolate sauce.

CECILY

It doesn’t matter. It’s oppression! How dare they tell us what to eat. In the human world, I was surrounded by fat-hate because of my size. But that’s because I’m an ogre. I thought, here in the magic realm, I could be free from such judgment.

MELODY

Well…we studied ogre bodies in my biology class and you still seem to be two to three times the size of an average ogre.

CECILY

How dare you! My body is not yours to control.

MELODY

Sorry, I can agree on that. But I don’t see how removing chocolate sauce from the school menu is oppression.

CECILY

It’s because the school is trying to control my body! They think they can call me unhealthy just by looking at me, or by seeing the number on the scale. But I am more than a number. I am my body and I deserve to be accepted for who I am.

MELODY

But what if your health is in danger?

CECILY

My health is perfectly fine, thank you very much. You can’t tell someone’s health just by looking at them. If you’d like, I can give you some pamphlets on this movement I’m a part of, called Health at Every Size. We advocate that people can be healthy at any size.

MELODY

I think it’s great to accept people for who they are, but if they’re over twice the size they should be, surely that’s unhealthy.

CECILY

You are so misguided, Melody. Size has nothing to do with health, just like the things we eat have nothing to do with our size. You might look at me and think I’m unhealthy, but guess what? I ran a marathon. It took only 20 hours and twelve minutes.

MELODY

That’s…that’s a long time.

CECILY

So? Can you say you’ve completed a marathon?

MELODY

Yes, actually.

CECILY

Well it’s not a competition. You don’t need to make it one.

MELODY

I didn’t-

CECILY

Look, I only came on this show to spread my message. The school is trying to fat shame those of us who are bigger by controlling what we put in our mouths. But the truth is that eating and size have nothing in common.

MELODY

You can’t be serious. Of course the things you eat affect your weight.

CECILY

No, Melody, that’s not true at all. You have fallen for the lies of the diet industry. They want to make us feel inadequate so we’ll buy their products, but I refuse to be brainwashed by their tactics. There is nothing wrong with my size. I am merely built bigger.

MELODY

Okay, let’s take size out of the equation for a moment. Surely a bowl of chocolate sauce can’t be healthy. There’s nothing of nutritional value in it.

CECILY

That is not your right to decide. You and the school should not be allowed to police what I put in my body. I should feel free to eat whatever I want, whenever I want, and so should every student in this school. And every person in the world, for that matter.

MELODY

But no one is telling you that you can’t eat chocolate sauce. The school just won’t provide it free in bowls anymore.

CECILY

And how am I supposed to get it, then?

MELODY

I agree it’s difficult to do, but how much do you really need chocolate sauce? Can’t you go without it for a few weeks? There’s still chocolate cake available as a dessert.

CECILY

It’s the principle of the matter, Melody. You clearly wouldn’t understand the heroism of my efforts to bring back chocolate sauce. The bottom line is that the school has no right to take away food they have been supplying to us. If I starve, it will be their fault.

MELODY

Fine, let’s say I agree with you. How do you plan to get chocolate sauce back on the menu?

CECILY

By advocacy, of course. I will fight until this matter has been resolved. You may think my fight is silly, but I am fighting oppression, the same oppression that affects African-Americans and gays and lesbians.

MELODY

You can’t honestly believe that.

CECILY

Oh, I do, Melody. You are skinny, so you don’t understand, but fat people face oppression on a daily basis. There’s no difference between getting judged for your skin color or your sexual orientation than for your weight.

MELODY

But people can’t change their skin color or sexual orientation.

CECILY

That’s true. And we can’t change our weight either.

MELODY

Oh gods. You really believe that, don’t you? Cecily, thank you for being on the show, but I don’t think there’s much else for us to discuss.

CECILY

You’re very welcome for having me, Melody, and I hope someday you can cast off the illusion of beauty set by the diet industry and become your true self.

MELODY

Okay, bye.

So, that was frustrating. I get that overweight people face judgment, and guess why? Because I’m overweight. Cecily called me skinny, but that’s totally not true. Sure, I can fit in a single chair, but that shouldn’t be the sole measure of whether someone is skinny or fat. And taking weight out of the equation, it’s simply not healthy to eat a whole bowl of chocolate sauce. I guess it would be okay once in a while, but from what it sounds like, Cecily’s indulgence was far from rare.

But I’ll stop talking about her now. I don’t want to seem like I’m targeting her. I’m sure she’s…fine as a person. I just want to be clear the food you eat does affect your body. Your weight is a result of simply thermodynamics. To lose weight, you just need to eat less calories than you burn. It’s that simple. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, though. I want to lose weight, but I have a proclivity toward chocolate, and I eat way too much of it. Bowls of chocolate sauce, though? That, I can do without. Until next time, good night Manticores.

St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio is made with Jetpack Podcast. Full show notes and every episode at https://stmerlindas.wordpress.com/

Every year, St. Merlinda’s hosts the annual fox hunt. It’s the school’s primary athletic event intended to discern the best from the best. The episode’s guest is one of the athletes, and, well, you can guess what he’s like.

Melody

Hello Manticores! My name is Melody Martin and I’m here to give you the deets on everything related to our beloved school. This week the school may feel a bit more beloved than most weeks now that the relief of having completed midterms has settled in. The school is also hosting an annual event that everyone looks forward to: the fox hunt.

Before anyone freaks out, no actual foxes are harmed during the course of the hunt. The hunt is based on the legend of the Teumessian fox, which is a gigantic fox that was destined to never be found. It was sent by Dionysus many years ago to prey on children as punishment for some crime no one actually knows. An insult to the gods, most likely – they tend not to like that.

Anyway, the fox preyed on the children of Thebes as part of the punishment. You might be wondering how the fox hurt humans if it was a full-blooded magical creature, in which case it shouldn’t have been able to interact in the human realm. The truth is that the human realm and magic realm used to be connected. Humans could interact with magical creatures and vice versa. That’s how our lineages began – without this type of interaction, humans and magical creatures would never have been able to have children together.

So, back to the story. The king of Thebes wanted to destroy the fox so it could no longer stalk his countryside, but how could he stop a fox that was destined to never be caught?

Conveniently, the king had previously received a gift from Zeus in the form of Laelaps, a female dog always destined to catch its prey. The king sent Laelaps after the Teumessian fox, which created a huge paradox that gave Zeus a headache. Zeus ended up turning the fox and hound into stars to prevent the paradox from continuing. Laelaps became what is known as Canis Major, while the Teumessian fox became Canis Minor.

To commemorate this story, the school hosts the annual fox hunt each year to replicate the hunt that took place between the Teumessian fox and Laelaps. The hunt takes place at night, when the stars depicting the creatures are most visible. Instead of using an actual fox, one of the instructors summons a fox of shadows to play the role. It blends into the dark night, making it almost impossible to catch. Teams of students take the role of Laelaps. The first to shatter the stone that rests in the heart of the shadow is declared the victor and gets trophies along with a pizza party. Yes, the faculty of a magical school still reward students with pizza parties. I’m not sure what else I expected.

Conversation throughout the school is focused on the hunt. There are six teams of five people that will be participating. The rest of us are invited to the forest to watch.

Oh, and before anyone brings up any safety concerns for the students: teams are required to use non-harmful methods of bringing down the fox. Arrows need to be rubber-tipped, swords need to be wooden, so on and so forth. Because the fox is made of shadows rather than flesh, the use of lethal weapons isn’t necessary.

Let’s see what the chatroom has to say about this.

Our first comment comes from Miracle Acheson. Miracle complains that because the fox in this hunt can be caught, it’s not a fair reenactment of the Teumessian fox.

I suppose that’s true, Miracle, but there’s not much we can do about it. It’s not like we can create paradoxes. That would be, without a doubt, a miracle. Get it? Because your name is Miracle?

Anyway, I think this event is meant for fun and team-building more than anything else, and I don’t really wish to stand outside all night trying to watch the teams catch their target. Our morning classes are cancelled to accommodate the event, but that doesn’t help if the fox isn’t caught until five in the morning. My hope is that the whole thing is over in a few hours. Besides, the days leading up to the event are almost more fun than the event itself, from what I’ve heard. It really reminds me of my old high school, where students got competitive about sports games. That’s something I miss here, although I’ve heard there are some sports leagues during the school year, so I’m looking forward to that.

The second question is actually another complaint, but one that I also think deserves a response. Karmela says the mention of sports has reminded her about St. Merlinda’s mandatory extracurricular policy. She wishes it was like her old school, where students weren’t forced to take extracurriculars.

I understand her view. My old school was the same way. I also hosted the radio there, but it was because I wanted to, not because I was forced to. I’m grateful there was a radio show here, because I’m not sure which extracurricular I’d prefer to do. There are only six available during the summer, aside from the school radio: swimming, cross country, combat, meditation, debate, and art. Every student has to take one of the seven electives. Probably because we’re a delinquent school and the staff want to keep us out of trouble.

It can be frustrating if you don’t like the available choices, but I’m personally not too bothered by it. You might expect me to be because of my whole crusade for personal rights earlier, but I view the forced extracurricular as nothing more than another class. You can expect to attend classes when you’re at school, so it doesn’t seem too intrusive to me. Thinking about it as an extra class might help you be more accepting of the idea. If not, hopefully an extracurricular will open during the school year that you’ll enjoy more than whatever you’re taking now.

Now, onto our interview portion. For today’s guest, I invited Hunter [redacted], a part-centaur who is in one of the teams competing tonight. Welcome, Hunter.

HUNTER

Hey.

MELODY

So, Hunter. How do you feel about tonight’s hunt? Are you ready?

HUNTER

Am I ready? I was BORN ready. I’m going to CRUSH EVERYONE.

MELODY

Everyone? What about your team?

HUNTER

They’re safe, I suppose.

MELODY

And the crowd? What about them?

HUNTER

You know what I meant. You’re really cramping my vibe.

MELODY

Sorry. So, how do you plan to catch the fox?

HUNTER

Look at me. I’ve got four legs, so I’ll be able to go way faster than the losers trying to beat me. But I also have two arms that I’ll use to shoot arrows at the fox. Or strangle anyway who gets in my way.

MELODY

You’re pretty confident you’ll win, then.

HUNTER

Duh. My name’s Hunter, and this is a hunt. It would be totally bogus if I didn’t win.

MELODY

What about your team? Do you think they’ll help you?

HUNTER

Help me get the others off my back, I guess. But the fox – that’s mine. No one’s going to stand in my way of getting it, not even my teammates.

MELODY

You seem very determined. Is there a reason why?

HUNTER

One year ago, my older brother Chase won the hunt. The year before that, my other brother Ryder did. But this has nothing to do with them. I’m going to win the hunt because I’m better than them. Because I’m better than all of you losers listening to this radio show.

MELODY

That’s not very nice.

HUNTER

I’m not going to win by being nice. I’m going to win by DOMINATING THE COMPETITION.

MELODY

At this point, you’re setting yourself up for a lot of embarassment if you lose.

HUNTER

I can’t lose! Hunter always wins the hunt!

MELODY

Yes, we’ve been over that. I get a feeling we’ve gotten the most we can get out of this interview.

HUNTER

Fine, I need to go anyway. I need to start warming up for the competition. No one’s going to stop me from winning, not a cramp, and not a girl cramping my vibe. I will be VICTORIOUS.

MELODY

Okay, thanks for being on the show. Bye.

Should I have wished him good luck? Probably. Honestly, though, I kind of want him to lose, if only to see how he reacts. And maybe out of a sense of vindication. You guys aren’t losers. None of us are. Sure, we might not be athletic enough, or stealthy enough, to participate in the hunt, but so what? Without the crowd, the competitors would…well, I guess they’d do the same thing, but still. We’re a major part of the event. So let’s get ready to head to the forest and have a great time. Until next week, good night, Manticores!

St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio is made with Jetpack Podcast. Full show notes and every episode at https://stmerlindas.wordpress.com/

Midterms are keeping students busy this week, which means Melody invites a special guest onto her show, a.k.a. the only person willing to forego studying for her sake. (Guess who?)

Melody

Hello Manticores! My name is Melody Martin and it’s already that time of the quarter: midterms. It’s possible no one’s listening to this channel because everyone is frantically studying for their tests, and I’m doing nothing more than talking to empty air, but just in case, here I am, nobly forgoing my own studying to keep you updated on the school. Also known as procrastinating, but that’s a less kind way of describing it.

I’m not really sure how I’ll do on some of my midterms, to be honest. I’m most worried about Math 3 and the Biology of Magical Creatures. I expect to do badly in Math 3 simply because numbers make even less sense to me than magic, but in my Biology class, my main concern is the type of test we’ll have. We’re supposed to dissect an imp. Moral implications aside, I’ve never dissected anything ever, so I’m afraid I’ll be too grossed out to continue. I have done well on my written tests in that class, though, so hopefully I’ll have enough knowledge to pass.

The other midterm that frightens me is the one for my mentor period. As you know, the mentor period is designed to help you shape and control your personal powers. Thus, the midterm involves demonstrating your power so the instructor can judge your progress. I have sung with her a few times over the past few weeks, and she’s still alive, so that’s a good sign. But I’m still uncomfortable with singing and I hope she doesn’t make me do anything more intensive, like sing in front of a group. I don’t know if I’d be able to avoid a catastrophe.

Aside from midterms, not much has been happening at the school recently. I suppose students are too busy studying to make any mischief. Even our petition against the potion ban has ceased circulating for the time being because the people in charge of distributing it don’t have the time right now, and I can’t blame them.

Oh, good, there are people in the chatroom right now. That means we can have our question session today. Our first question comes from Margarita Appleton, who asks the very relevant question, “how do I find a study group?”

To be honest, I personally haven’t participated in any study groups, because I’m more of a solo learner. Being around people distracts me, because I start talking and…well, you can probably guess from what you’ve heard on my show. I can go on forever. But I have heard suggestions for finding study groups from my instructors and other students.

The easiest way to find a study group is to join one via your online portal. Right now you’re accessing the chatroom by going to the Social tab, then clicking the School Chat link. Well, if you want to join a study group, you just need to go to the Academic tab, then click the Study Group link.

And…oh, shoot. It looks like Margarita just left the chat. I meant for her to follow those instructions later, not immediately. Well, hopefully she’s still listening, because there’s a catch: the online study groups are only available for certain classes. Also, some only meet online through chatrooms like this one, while others arrange to meet in person.

If your class doesn’t have an online study group available, your best bet is to find other students in the classroom to meet with. This can be a nerve-wracking experience for some people, but there are few other options. Your best bet is to find other people who stare at the white board with a dazed, confused look on their face and see if you can help each other learn the material.

Margarita still hasn’t returned to the chatroom, so I’ll get to the next question. Caja Bissette is wondering what incubi are like. I assume she’s asking because Nate, my boyfriend, is part-incubus.

Incubi are commonly viewed as scoundrels because their reputation is to forcefully enter women’s dreams and impregnate them. And I agree that’s pretty awful. Nate isn’t like that, though. Because he’s only part-incubus, he can contain his desire to invade people’s dreams. He only does it with consent. It can come in handy, actually…

*nervous laugh* I suppose I’m getting too personal here. I normally would avoid such personal questions, but there’s a reason I chose to answer this one: Nate is my guest on the show today. Yes, finally. A lot of people have been requesting he come on, so now you finally get the chance. Also, he was the only person I could find who wasn’t busy studying. So, hi, Nate.

NATE

Good day, Melody.

MELODY

Really? Are you Principal Ravenstone now?

NATE

Sorry, just thought I’d have some fun.

MELODY

It’s fine. We don’t really have a serious topic to discuss anyway. We’re just passing time until midterms are over.

NATE

I can think of a good way to pass time…

MELODY

Not here! I have a radio program to run.

NATE

Fine, fine. What do you want to talk about, then?

MELODY

Well…a lot of people have been wondering how we met. After all, I ignorantly had both feet in the human realm before I met you. It was by mere coincidence you found me.

NATE

I wouldn’t go that far. I found you because of your beautiful singing, remember? It was positively enchanting.

MELODY

Yeah…enchanting’s probably a more accurate word than beautiful.

NATE

*sigh* Why can’t it be both? You can stop feeling guilty about what happened, you know. I’m fine now.

MELODY

I just hate thinking that you only like me because my singing forced you to. I still don’t fully understand my powers and that could be part of it.

NATE

You’re overthinking things. Yes, I first met you because I heard your singing, but that’s not why I like you so much. I like you because of who you are, every part of it. I like that you enjoy reading comic books, I like that you’re passionate about the school, I like that you collect flowers and press them in a little book. I like everything about you. It’s not just your singing.

MELODY

That’s….wow. Umm…thank you. I feel like I should return the favor, but I also think our listeners might be getting confused. We can talk more later. Want to continue the story for now?

NATE

Sure. Basically, dear listeners, I met Melody at a bus stop of all places. I hadn’t intended to take the bus, but I heard her singing, and it drew me toward her.

MELODY

Neither of us ended up taking that bus. I actually ended up passing out right on the bus shelter’s bench. Not related to Nate. I’d just been having some medical issues and that was another symptom.

NATE

I freaked out, of course, and took her to the hospital. Being a random guy, I thought it would be best for me to leave. But then I entered her dreams.

MELODY

To clarify, the dreams don’t have to be sexual for him to see them.

NATE

Good point. The dream I saw was anything but. All I felt was your fear. You were dreaming about being in a hospital and it frightened you. I didn’t want you to wake up alone in the place that scared you, so I stayed until you woke up.

MELODY

I’d been to the hospital many times at this point and had undergone loads of tests that never helped diagnose my issue. Now I know what the problem was: my magic side was starting to awaken. You see, when you first start to grow, your magic side is latent and your human side is in full control. That’s why most of us didn’t develop our powers until later in life. When those powers start to develop, your human side consider the magic side a threat and attacks it, essentially. And your magic side fights back. The existence of your body in two realms is in constant turmoil and this causes your body to react. It’s kind of like chemotherapy, where your body starts to attack its own cells and that makes you sick, but is obviously less potent.

For most of you, the maturation process probably wasn’t bad enough to hospitalize you. You may have even thought it was just a flu. But for me, it had dire effects. I passed out, I vomited, I lost control of my motor functions for a few hours once…it was awful. But what was more awful was going to the hospital and having the doctors poke me with needles and make me go into those damned small machines to see what was wrong. And they never found anything wrong, because my condition wasn’t anything a human could see. So being in the hospital for me was a futile gesture that only caused pain.

NATE

It’s crazy to think how much you know about this stuff now. You knew nothing when we first met.

MELODY

My biology class was a big help in that regard. I’m so relieved to finally understand what was wrong with me. But, back then, it was a nightmare.

NATE

Literally so, from what I saw.

MELODY

Exactly. So when I woke up and Nate explained why he was there, he accidentally let it slip that he’d seen my dream. From then on, he had no choice but to tell me about the magic realm.

NATE

She didn’t give me one.

MELODY

In my defense, you wanted me to know. You wanted someone to talk with about the magic realm.

NATE

That’s true. I only had my father at that point, and he was an ass. A prime example of why incubus are so hated. I probably have dozens of half-siblings I don’t even know…

MELODY

But now…well, I suppose I shouldn’t say something so personal on air.

NATE

No, its okay. He’s been imprisoned by the magic realm’s officials, and for good reason. He’s created a bunch of half-incubus and half-succubus children and that can be dangerous. I’ve vowed to never use my powers improperly, but not all incubi and succubi are that way. He couldn’t keep creating them unchecked. Not to mention all the poor women he left behind, alone and without support…I don’t think I’ll ever know who my mother is because he doesn’t bother to remember where his children come from. He and I found each other by chance.

MELODY

Thank you for being so open. I know it’s difficult to do. Hopefully people won’t judge you by your species now.

NATE

Hopefully not. But if they do, I don’t really care. You’re the only person whose opinion I care about…and I suppose my instructors’ too.

MELODY

That’s important. Nate wants to study the relationship between the magic realm and the human realm so he can help keep the peace between them when he’s older. That requires a lot of dedication and learning.

NATE

Definitely. Keeping that in mind, I should probably get back to studying soon.

MELODY

Don’t worry, same here. To everyone who is listening: thank you for hearing our story. I appreciate everyone who tunes into this channel week after week, especially while midterms are taking place. I wish you all the best of luck on your tests and, until next time, good night Manticores.

St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio is made with Jetpack Podcast. Full show notes and every episode at https://stmerlindas.wordpress.com/

A potions ban causes Melody and other students to question the school’s jurisdiction. Disclaimer: no illegal substances were consumed during the course of the episode.

Melody

Hello Manticores! My name is Melody Martin and I’m here to report the latest happenings here at St. Merlinda’s. Tensions have heightened between students and faculty after a ban was put in place prohibiting the creation of potions outside of class projects. Faculty and staff members claim this ban is necessary for the protection of students to prevent the creation of potions that are dangerous or illegal. Students countered that the creation of potions on their own time is not the business of any faculty members as long as the potions aren’t being used in an illicit manner.

I’m not personally involved in this issue because I haven’t yet learned how to make potions, but I think I’d side with the students on this one. I appreciate that the faculty wants to keep students safe, but if someone was determined to create a harmful potion, I don’t think a ban would stop them. On the other hand, students that want to practice making safe potions won’t be able to. I know practicing on my own helped me a lot with my singing, so I expect it’s the same for people who enjoy making potions.

I tried to find out whether a specific incident caused this ban to be put in place, but I couldn’t find any information. If students have been able to make their own potions for years without problem, why start banning them now? It seems arbitrary. I suppose it would be better to implement the ban during the summer, when there are fewer students to complain about it, but that doesn’t mean the prohibition is justified.

The main defense for the faculty and staff is that the facilities belong to them and they should be able to dictate what happens within their school halls. But how far can these mandates extend? If the school tries to control when and where students can make potions, what’s to stop them from trying to control other parts of our lives? If their claim is that they should be able to control everything that happens on their property, what’s to stop them from randomly searching our dorm rooms to catch us doing things they don’t approve of?

Students, I urge you to take a stand. I believe that the staff members are acting in good faith, but we need to consider the long-term consequences of these types of policies. Perhaps you’re like me, and you’ve never even made a potion, but what if something you enjoy is banned in the future? If we fail to act, the staff here at St. Merlinda’s might think they can impose even more restrictions on us. It is only by speaking up and letting them hear our side that we can ensure our privacy and rights are protected.

My guest today is one of the students most affected by this policy. Before we get to that, however, I’d like to hear your views in the chatroom and answer any questions you might have.

Ketra Samuelson brings up an interesting point: Why are we making such a big fuss about the potions prohibition when flying has been banned for years?

Again, I can’t fly, but I understand the frustration for those who do. Honestly, I didn’t even know there was a flying prohibition. When I’m outside, I sometimes see other students flying, whether they have their own wings or are being aided by a broom.

Ketra is clarifying that the prohibition is like the one for potions, where flying is acceptable when monitored by a faculty member such as a mentor, but is banned outside of class activities.

My first thought is that flying can cause more danger than potions can. If someone flies yards into the sky and falls, they could break something, or even die – and the school will be held liable.

Immediately, Ketra has countered that some potions are dangerous enough to cause explosions or release deadly gases that could result in harm. Again, a good point.

Now Ketra is referencing the incident from last week, where my friend Sydney accidentally burned down the school gymnasium. Students filtered out of the gym before they could get hurt, but it would have been possible for the flames to scorch them. By allowing Sydney to attend classes, the faculty are exposing us to the risk she’ll accidentally set things on fire, by her own admission.

As fond as I am of Sydney, I can’t argue with that. Everything we do at this school involves risk in some way. Over half the students here possess powers that can hurt their classmates. So why is the staff prohibiting us from doing things that are no more dangerous than simply existing alongside these untrained students? I want to clarify I’m including myself in that description. If I decided to sing, and was unable to control my power, I could very well kill anyone in my vicinity. So who’s to say I’m any less dangerous than a student who wants to make a potion to temper their epilepsy?

The bottom line is that the school’s rules seem arbitrary and unjustified, and this follows a trend in the school’s administration. Other rules, such as the prohibition on magical parents at orientation night, are similarly heinous. We as students should speak up about these issues so the faculty and staff know we’re not satisfied with them. If we sit back and do nothing, who knows what kind of prohibition they’ll put in place next?

Back in the chatroom, Franko Agli has brought up a counterpoint. He’s allergic to myrrh, a common ingredient in potions, and is grateful that the staff has put in this prohibition to ensure myrrh is used less often. I sympathize with your allergy, Franko, I really do, but let me ask you something: Did you have a problem with myrrh being used by students in the past? As far as I’m aware, students mainly practiced potions in their own rooms, so it doesn’t seem like it would pose any more problem than a classroom would. It’s not as if the staff banned myrrh; they only banned its use outside of class activities.

Franko admits he never actually had such a problem and was merely happy to not have to worry about it. Again, I understand your discomfort with myrrh, Franko, but I don’t think this prohibition will be the solution to your problems. All it will do is impose an unnecessary restriction on your fellow students. They will still use myrrh, perhaps as much as before depending on the types of potions they made on their own time.

This seems like a great opportunity to bring in our guest for the day. I’ve invited Cody [redacted], a part-wizard who creates potions on his own time as preparation for starting his own line of potions to sell once he graduates next year. Welcome, Cody.

CODY

Sup?

MELODY

I was just talking about the ban on after-hours potion making. This will have a significant impact on you, won’t it?

CODY

Totally, man. It might even destroy my business. The school is really trying to get us down, you know? They should be supporting us.

MELODY

Agreed. But do you see any reasoning in the school’s argument? Are you aware of people creating dangerous potions?

CODY

What? No, man. No one would do that. It’s too much of a risk. I just create things to help people. You know, to help them feel better and just relax.

MELODY

Right…so you don’t think the school has any backing?

CODY

Definitely not. These potions are just to help people, you know? They’re great. I brought one with me for you to try. Take a sip.

MELODY

Oh….this isn’t anything illegal, is it?

CODY

No, no. It’s totally fine.

MELODY

All right. Well, here I go.

Hmm…that’s actually not bad. Woah. I can actually see a lot clearer now, and I thought my vision was 20/20 before.

CODY

See? Totally awesome. I want to make these types of potions for the world. Ones that help people, not hurt them.

MELODY

Honestly, when you first offered this to me, I thought it might make me too…mellow. You seem unusually calm.

CODY

Oh, that’s just the weed. I have some of that too if you want it.

MELODY

I appreciate the offer, but I’ll have to decline. Also, be careful about mentioning that. It’s still illegal in this area.

CODY

That’s just in the human realm. Magical people don’t care. The laws are totally different here.

MELODY

That’s good to know…anyway, do you have any plans for countering the school’s new policy?

CODY

What? Oh…I hadn’t really thought about it. I try not to get too worked up.

MELODY

But you said it might destroy your business, right? Shouldn’t you be more proactive in fighting it?

CODY

I guess. I should probably do something.

MELODY

Right…have you considered a petition? That’s what we used to use at my old school.

CODY

Sure. That works.

MELODY

So…are you going to make one? Or should I?

CODY

I can do it, I guess.

MELODY

Wonderful. Well, it was great to have you on the show, Cody, and thanks for helping improve my vision. I really hope you can sell your potions in the future.

CODY

Yeah. That would be nice. Anyway, see ya.

MELODY

Now that Cody is gone, I want to remind everyone to be on the lookout for his petition. This is a vital issue that could affect our lives over the next few years, depending on how much longer you’ll be at this school. And even if you’re graduation soon, help advocate for the cause of privacy and personal rights. We’re all in this together. Until next week, Manticores, good night.

St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio is made with Jetpack Podcast. Full show notes and every episode at https://stmerlindas.wordpress.com/

Host Melody Martin mentions about a transfer student who apparently doesn’t actually exist, then talks about random topics with a boy who is more dead than alive. What a strange week.

Melody

Hello Manticores! My name is Melody Martin and I’m here to keep you up-to-date on the happenings at our school. The second week of classes went well, without any significant incidents. I’m not sure what I expected from a magical school, with all of the potions and spells being used by first timers. I suppose they start off the newbies with the easy ones. It’s hard to cause an uproar when you’re merely summoning light or making a potion to quell nausea.

There is something exciting happening over the next week, however. We’re getting a transfer student. Transfer students weren’t a big deal at my old school, but considering we have less than a hundred students here during the summer session, adding a new one can be a big change. This new student might also be new to magic, so when he or she starts tomorrow, I encourage you to be as supportive and helpful as possible. That’s not too much to ask from a bunch of teenagers, right? We’re the epitome of friendliness.

Ina is coming by to give me the note with the student’s name on it. Here we are…

Oh. This can’t…this must be…is this a trick? Or some cruel prank? Ina?

Ina claims the name is real, but that’s impossible. It’s simply impossible. This person…he can’t be coming here. There’s no way.

I don’t know whether this is a simply a mistake or an intentional act meant to hurt me, but I refuse to fall for it. Forget everything I said earlier, listeners. There is no new student. We have been lied to.

Let’s just move on. Time for questions. Let’s check the chat room…

Alan Sudworth is complaining about the lack of television programming here. It is an odd situation, I agree. We have an internet connection, so we can access Youtube and Netflix and such, but we don’t actually have access to live TV. That means if you’re planning on watching any fireworks celebrations on Saturday, you’re going to have trouble finding a place to view them. It’s not like the school is hosting anything. The fourth of July is a human holiday, not a magic one.

Ooo. According to Carley Morris, there will actually be a few fourth-year students hosting a fireworks show in the surrounding woods. One of the areas that has a clearing, I hope. As interesting as it would be to report on a forest fire, I’d prefer that our surrounding flora remained intact.

Back to the television issue. Apparently we can’t get access to television because all of the television companies are run by humans, and there is a spell that prevents humans from entering here. On the other hand, one of the main internet companies is run by magical creatures, so we can still get an internet connection.

As a representative of the school, I can’t advocate for any illegal activities on our campus. So I won’t. I will say, however, that I think Troy Fletcher in the mixed gender dorm would be happy to commiserate with your woes. He may even have advice to make you feel better about your inability to stay up to date on shows like Teen Wolf and Game of Thrones. Just talk to him, okay? And bring your computer and $20 with you…just because.

Next question. This one is a doozy. Linda Bai lives in a double and is describing a problem she has with her roommate. Apparently her roommate kicks her out at random hours and will scream at her until she leaves. That’s a bit much to get some privacy for sexy shenanigans, but isn’t completely unheard of, even among humans. Oh, but her roommate isn’t using the chance to bring over guys and put a sock on the door…and the noises Linda hears aren’t moans. According to her, they sound more like screams. Inhuman screams. And when she’s sat outside the room and watched the door, she’s seen smoking coming out. Upon her return, she notices claw marks on the floor. Yikes. That’s not going to be very good for your deposit.

Okay, so it’s clear that the roommate in this situation is up to something strange. Summoning, most likely. Summoning is banned outside of school-sanctioned events and classes, so Linda definitely has a case against her roommate if she decides to report her. But if Linda reports her roommate, she won’t be able to find a replacement, and she’ll have to pay the price for a single room, which she can’t afford.

The solution here seems pretty clear: blackmail. Sure, it’s not the most moral act, but neither is summoning creatures illicitly in your dorm room. Plus, the extra money could help Linda afford a single for the school year.

Problem solved. Considering our news portion was…not so newsly, I’ll cover an extra question to make up for it. This is actually a question I’ve been wanting to cover for a while, and by “cover” I mean completely shut down.

Christian Green writes: “show us your titties”. So, two main problems with this. One, radio is not a visual platform, so I couldn’t do it even if I wanted to. And two, no. Just no. I’m not going to do that. Anyone else who posts similar messages will also be ignored. Remember, your name is attached to all of your messages. This isn’t the youtubes comment section have some decency.

Now that I’ve addressed that, I think it’s time to invite our guest onto the show. Today I’ll be talking with Brian [redacted], who is part shade. From what I can see, that means he’s partially translucent. It’s a bit strange to look at, actually. Aside from being see-through, though, he looks human.

Ah, here he is. Hi, Brian.

BRIAN

Hello.

MELODY

*pause* So…how are you doing today?

BRIAN

Satisfactory, I suppose. I haven’t needed to speak with any other dead beings yet, and for that I’m grateful.

MELODY

…Other? Does that mean you’re dead?

BRIAN

Partly. The same part that is shade. Shades are spirits of the dead.

MELODY

Oh…do you mind me asking…how does someone who is part-shade get born? I mean, if one of the involved parties is essentially a ghost…

BRIAN

You are better off not knowing. My existence in general is anguish and it is best to remain uninformed about it.

MELODY

Aw, everything can’t be bad.

BRIAN

My life revolves around death. It’s a disheartening situation. Even now, here in this room, the presence of death tinges my reality. I can see an aura around you that suggests you have recently existed near a death.

MELODY

I- What? How do these conversations always get turned on me?

BRIAN

It is true, then, isn’t it?

MELODY

Well…yes. But if you see the aura of death around me or whatever, that proves the note I received earlier was faked.

BRIAN

The one about the transfer student? He is the one who died?

MELODY

*sigh* Yes, yes he is. That just makes it more cruel that someone would play that kind of trick. Your power confirms he died, right? There’s no way he could be transferring here.

BRIAN

It is possible your aura represents a different death. It is not limited to people you knew well. It could be that you saw a stranger on the street who died shortly after your encounter.

MELODY

No, that can’t be. I saw him die. I went to his funeral. There’s no way he’s alive still. The school…the school doesn’t accept zombies, does it? ‘Cause that would be…that would be devastating, honestly.

BRIAN

No, reanimated corpses cannot be students here. They do not possess the mental capacity to understand the class lessons or complete schoolwork. I of all people would know this.

MELODY

Because you live around death, yeah. Well, that’s a relief. The note was definitely a fake, then.

BRIAN

Although-

MELODY

No, you know what? I think we’ve spent enough time talking about that silly prank. Let’s get back to you. I imagine it would be depressing to be so exposed to death. But you still have your human side, right? If you wanted, you could live among the humans and keep your power hidden. You would appear as nothing but human to them.

BRIAN

I could, but I will not. It would be a betrayal to my heritage. Every student at this school has an obligation to experience their magical side to its fullest potential. There are far fewer of us than of humans, which makes it vital we continue our lineages.

MELODY

I don’t quite agree, but I’m not in the mood to argue. Do you have any other topics you wish to discuss or questions to ask?

BRIAN

Yes, I have one question…will you show me your titties?

MELODY

…Seriously?

BRIAN

My apologies. I am attempting to be more humorous and thought it was a relevant joke considering your discussion from earlier. How was it?

MELODY

It was…as a joke, I guess it was okay. But from this point forward, I don’t want to hear anymore about it. Not from you, Brian, or from Christian Green, or from anyone else at this school.

BRIAN

Understood. If our conversation is over, I will depart.

MELODY

Thank you for your time today, Brian. It was certainly an…enlightening talk.

Now that our guest has left, I think it’s time to close the program for today. I hope you all appreciated the topics we covered today and the complete absence of any type of news. Until next week, good night Manticores.

St. Merlinda's School for Magical Misfits » Radio is made with Jetpack Podcast. Full show notes and every episode at https://stmerlindas.wordpress.com/