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Stepparents have the best of intentions. We think we’re supposed to support our partner, help parent their kids, smooth things out between houses… basically make our partner’s lives better, in the interest of becoming a family together. Seems sensible enough, right

So it can be a REAL FRIGGIN SHOCK if none of our efforts seem to work — or worse, backfire! And then we’re like, well, what are we doing wrong here?? If we were stepparenting the "right" way, then surely stepfamily life would be easier. 

I’m here to tell you that nope, it’s not you; it’s the situation. Stepfamily dynamics are incredibly complex, and stepparents actually have way less influence over that than we think. Our partner's parenting (or lack thereof), our stepkids' behavior, the ex being difficult... the idea that we can control ANY of these things is a total illusion. So it’s really okay to stop bending yoruself into various pretzel shapes trying to figure out what everyone else wants from you.

It’s not until we learn how focus on what we can control (a damn short list, I can tell you) that stepparenting finally starts getting easier. Which is where the idea of disengaging comes in. For more help understanding this concept, start by reading the Disengaging Essay. xo

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