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Tao Te Ching Verse 49

translated by Chou Wing Chohan

The sage has no self that she can call "mine,"
She turns the self of the people into her own.
I act with goodness toward the good,
I act with goodness toward the bad, too,
And so the good is contagious.
I relate with trust to the person who is worthy of trust,
I relate with trust to the person who is not worthy of trust, too,
And so trust is contagious.
The sage lives in the world in her victory and rules the world with her simplicity.
But when all the people look at her and listen to her,
The sage takes care of them, like a mother takes care of her children.

Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

Growing relationships

What is the Sage to the people and the people to the Sage other than a relationship?  Sure, it looks a little different than a one on one, but the basic idea is there: one entity or person co-existing in relation to another.  Lao Tzu urges the Sage to treat those who are good well, and treat those who are bad well.  The terms ‘dignity and respect’ come to mind.

So no matter who a person is to me, no matter what they do, I can always find a way to honor their humanity.  Does this mean that I should roll myself out like a doormat and allow people to walk on me?  No, on the contrary - in a relationship, I am at least 50% of it, and allowing another to have their way with me to the point that it is detrimental to me robs them of a potentially beautiful experience they can have.  So no doormatting!

What about personal relationships?   

If I am 50% of a relationship with whomever I treat, I am in a position to impact it either positively or negatively.  Same with the other person.  And while I may have started a relationship with another for business, romance, or friendship, my primary concern needs to be how the relationship grows.  For example, I can meet a colleague that becomes my friend.  I can meet a significant other that becomes my business partner and friend.  So roles, perhaps, are arbitrary and convenient ways to think about relationships.  But what about the magic that happens when I grow in relation with the other person?  There is this give and take, this ebb and flow between us.  My influence and their influence make us a type of One, don’t they?  

Now, if that growth past the initial definition of roles is what creates that beautiful tapestry of humanity for which I’ve got an opportunity to sit and work side by side with the weaver, what is it that keeps the growth happening?  What keeps that shuttle moving back and forth, tirelessly, making imperceptible changes in just a pass but over time creating wonder and beauty?  Treating the other person well all the time, not just when I feel like it or don’t feel like it.  Being sincere and honest with that person, whether I feel like it or not.  

In treating another with love and being sincere with them, I keep that shuttle’s path free of obstructions, and allow it to do its work.  By treating others with equanimity, I make way for the Tao to flow through us and create this precious experience we call life.

If I can practice showing love and sincerity, dignity and respect to others as much as I can and to the best of my ability, I can allow the relationships in my life to grow into stunningly beautiful expressions of the Tao.