Terrible Book Club

This time, we're dead and trying to figure out just what to do with these incorporeal forms of ours. Luckily, a copy of David Straume's Beginner's Guide to Sex in the Afterlife was waiting here for us when we arrived in Purgatory.

This book certainly seemed like it was going to teach us about having sex in the afterlife. It did no such thing. Instead, the author just told us a whole lot of things that he thinks are true - namely, that everything in life is sexual. Painting? Sex. Playing music? Sex. Hydroelectricity? Sex. Atoms? Sex. Computer coding? Definitely sex. Masturbating? Sex that produces astral babies. Oh, and you better develop a positive relationship with the sun because it's the source of all sexual energy and you should maybe tan a lot (or something).

Mostly, we felt like this book was a slurry of very surface-level ideas from a guy who maybe took Philosophy 101 and got really into the concept of chakras. Plus, it seems to really push the masculine/feminine binary, "find-your-other-half-and-attain-wholeness", and western/christian concepts of monogamy and marriage while paying a whole 2-3 sentences of lip service to the idea that it's not really doing that.

At one point, Staume recommends that we send the, "dead or useless parts of us" to the sun, to be burned and turned into fuel. He should follow his own advice here and throw this book directly into the sun.

Many thanks to @tasteless.psd / @pencilmancer for making our in-episode revelation a reality for the episode art.

Ah, cats - who doesn't love a good cat video or cat meme? The world is full of cat-themed things, so it's only natural that a cat fantasy series would eventually appear.

If you really love cats, the collective corporate consciousness that is Erin Hunter has got you covered! The Warriors series (more commonly known as the Warrior Cats series) has cat nurses, leaders, queens, fights, and enough compound cat names and cat vocabulary words to make you question your sanity within minutes of starting the first book!

Sure, this series is for kids/tweens, but when things like Redwall, Mousegard - or, hell, even Animorphs - already exist, there's just no room for a cheap, fantasy-by-committee series of 81 god damned books about how glorious cats could be if they found religion through ghosts.

P.S. Check out the Helpless Romantics podcast if you want to mix it up with reviews of a terrible TV show instead of a terrible book!

A guy who reviews cartoons and is really invested in creating a cartoon series himself wrote a children's chapter book in the universe that he's been creating for a few years. There's nothing wrong with this concept on the surface.

Peer deeper into the chocolate puddle, though, and you'll find a horrifying interpretation of reality where children run the entire world and the unintended consequences of this arrangement smother any potential this thing might have had.

Imagine Hellraiser, but instead of Pinhead offering you the heights of pain/pleasure, it's a cute child luring you into her world of candy, ponies, and endless playtime. Rather than being flayed alive, dismembered, or otherwise horribly tortured in a physical sense, you're instead damned to be your child's canvas for humiliation. Enslaved by your child masters, you are crippled by the fear of displeasing them.

Thanks to our listener Letty for recommending we read Growing Around: Party Panic! by John 'Enter' Rozanski.

Content warnings: Discussion of cartoon violence; Toxic familial relationships; pedophilia (brief mention)

No real content warnings this week except for one off-hand misogynistic statement by a single character! There IS a weird scene that could be interpreted as being uh...dendrophilic, but unless you're really freaked out by a little tree kissing there's nothing too off-putting in this episode.

We partake in some mystical bright bud and wander into the trippy wastelands with Brixia and Uta, the adventuring companions at the center of this fantasy novel plucked from a random cart of old sci fi/fantasy books for $1.00 at Amoeba Records. Can wrongly interpreted illustrations, sudden slut shaming, and hand-wavey plot points mar our journey with Brixia?

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Not really! It was good! This book wasn't terrible! We want to read the other books in this series now. Thanks, Andre Norton.

While we were quite relieved to read something for the show that we both really enjoyed, listeners may not find this episode as entertaining as a result. We had very little criticism for this story, and we even enjoyed most of the art, though we do talk a bit about how the art was sort of inconsistent. Make sure to check our Instagram for some of the images from the book.

If you're into cat sidekicks and fantasy ladies who aren't just talking bikinis, check out this book!

Fritz Leiber may have coined the term "sword and sorcery" and he may have written some legendary stories, but this book is not to be counted among those same accomplishments.

Line-to-line, the writing is actually pretty good and the dialogue is believable in the world of the book. There's even some great satire in this book (the whole vision of Greater Texas), but it doesn't really end up doing much besides producing a few laughs. Plus, the sexism is laid on a bit too thick to really convince us that it's part of the satire and the main character is an annoying, arrogant, and naive jerk who just wants to have earth sex at the expense of far more important things.

A Specter is Haunting Texas is far from the worst thing that we've read on TBC, but it does little besides holding up a caricature of America and pointing at it.

Don't be fooled! Darrel Day didn't write this - or even edit it, apparently - he just put it on the internet for his friend, Terry Bandemer. Which is fine! It's nice to help your friend put out their book - but why put your name on it as the author when you didn't write it?

This is Terry's autobiography. It's generic non-fiction; just a look at a random man's life as a K9 officer in Minnesota between the 1960s-2000s. It's written in first person perspective and would be fine if Terry had gotten a real editor and had consulted a second person to assist with writing. Unfortunately he didn't do either of those things.

This book should never have been published as it is. It's stream-of-consciousness brainstorming at best, with lists of names, incoherent sentence structures, lots of spelling errors, and no sense of chronology or order.

We had to make a spreadsheet just to keep track of all of the people/dogs mentioned in this book. It's a little over 350 pages with about 200 named individuals (this isn't including all of the additional unnamed people).

If Terry had partnered with someone with more experience writing and had gotten a good editor, they could honestly probably have crafted the basic facts of Terry's life into a procedural K9 cop drama or comedy for Netflix or Amazon.

As it is now, though, the pieces are there, but none of them fit together.

Happy Halloween! Enjoy this episode one day early as a treat from the Terrible Book Club.

Crabs - The Human Sacrifice was suggested by reddit user dickdastardly and voted on by listeners as a spooky book for October.

Content warning! This episode contains discussion and graphic descriptions of: blood, bleeding, crabs, cutting, disease, dismemberment, drugs, masturbation, ritual sacrifice, sexual assault, regular 'ol consensual sex, generalized violence against human and animals, & weapons (such as guns, knives, & swords).

Welcome to the shallow, diseased pool of sex and crab murders that is Episode 43! We forgot to mention this on the show, but here's some crab music for this crab book: Clutch - Hot Bottom Feeder

"Never mind that stuff, they sell from Vietnam Get it from the Chesapeake, but never from the can Follow my directions, it's an easy recipe Strictly by the pound. Adjust accordingly 100 million years old Transcendent creature No bones about it Hot bottom feeder Don't bother with the lump, it won't stick together I prefer backfin... And there's nothing wrong with special Powdered mustard, parsley, a dab of mayonnaise Just enough bread crumbs and one raw egg 100 million years old Transcendent creature I just can't get enough Hot bottom feeder Yes, indeed. Serve it up hot! Yes, indeed. Like this

Grab a biscuit cutter and pack it till it's filled Stick it in the reefer for a little time to chill Butter up a skillet, fry till golden brown Find yourself a beverage and wash it all down 100 million years old Transcendent creature No bones about it Hot bottom feeder 100 million years old Transcendent creature I just can't get enough Hot bottom feeder"

Far away and 40 books ago, we read Marked, the first book in the House of Night Series by mother-daughter duo Kristen & P.C. Cast. It was the second book we read for the podcast and the first book we threw across a room (that's not an exaggeration).

Today, we've decided to return to the House of Night for a second helping of outrageous caricatures of teenagers trapped within a love rhombus - just in time for the Halloween season! This time, our main protagonist has the option of THREE cardboard cutouts of men ranging from 'a basic 7th grader's idea of the perfect boyfriend' to 'needy but he does what I say' to 'older creepy guy'.

Content Warnings: alcohol/alcoholism, bloodplay, bombs, car accidents, cutting, drowning, kidnapping, masturbation, sex, and some mild violence (and also vampires, zombies, and teenagers if those are problematic for you, I guess).

Although the authors and their publishers have distanced themselves from their old book trailers, they're still clinging to life over on YouTube for your amusement: House of Night Book Trailers. Why is Zoey 37? Why are her tattoos actually just black marker? Why do I feel like I'm about to watch porn?

Our Patron Veronica chose this book as her once-per-year reward! Check out our Patreon here to get this and other rewards for yourself.

We've got a real intro now! Let us know what you think.

Things get serious on TBC this week. This episode is not terribly funny and we've got some content warnings for you: eating disorders (anorexia), exercise disorders, alcohol, weapons, violence, & sexual assault/rape.

Luckiest Girl Alive tries to expose the nuance and neurosis of growing up as a woman in America. It reveals some glimpses of reality into a life steeped in consumerism, sexism, and abuse, but is a bit of an extreme take on all of it.

Unfortunately, we've also got another case of a Mary Sue, writing that sometimes ends up feeling like someone trying to be cool in a 90s chat room, and a stable full of characters who are just as hateable as the protagonist.

This book feels like the author created a massive dartboard where each section was a completely random idea or topic, put on a blindfold, threw darts, and chose what she would put in the book based on where those darts landed.

If any of you are or know someone who is an expert on Old Norse, Old English, or Middle English, Paris wants to talk to you because she has some linguistic bones to pick with this book.

This is a haphazard tale of time travel, chefs, vikings, angels, vampires, demons, ISIS (yes, the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria), scents, awkward relationships, sex, lots of food, and menus of that food. Despite having SO MANY ELEMENTS, this story doesn't have a whole lot of action that inspires suspense or wonder - readers may die from the drama famine.

Nothing in that above list is a joke - it's all in there, like the vague and numerous ingredients of those 90s Prego commercials.