The A to Z of Sex

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Today the letter is N and N is for Nose. In the animal kingdom, pheromones are scent markers and these trigger certain responses and behaviours. Some trigger sexual responses and others territorial. As human animals, scent plays a more complicated role in our emotional and physical responses. Research highlights scent as the strongest encoded sense in memory. Full sensory flashbacks can be brought on by a single smell. Scent alerts us to when partners are potentially good genetic matches and as to when we are fertile. Scent can warn us of danger and trigger the most comforting of memories. Perfume is still one of the most treasured gifts for women and men.

Today I am joined by Roja Dove. Roja Dove is one of the world’s most respected scent makers. He is a British Master Perfumer and is known most recently for his own scent line, Roja Parfums. Roja puts his passion and creative flair into every project he touches and his attention to detail is second to none.  In his words, ‘only the best will do’. He is known for working with only the world’s finest ingredients whether in a bespoke creation in one of his Roja line or in his Pour Maison line of scent for homes and offices. Each scent takes an average of six to 18 months to complete and all new releases are eagerly awaited.  From his flagship store, 51 Burlington Arcade in London, to the Haute Parfumerie at Harrods to any of his 145 outlets in 36 countries, his scents inspire romance, sensuality, and adorn the most discerning individuals. Roja states that a perfumer is a poet or a storyteller who creates the tangible from the intangible. His scents are luxurious and inspire complex emotional responses.

Our conversation ranged from the importance of scent to intimacy, sex and sexuality (essential according to Roja Dove) through to what the loss of the sense of smell means. Roja told me that people who lose their sense of smell often become depressed and more depressed than those who lose sight.

We talked about the use of scent to create an atmosphere in the home – and to create a sensual and inviting atmosphere. How you can be creative and vary your scent in the different parts of your home.

Roja spoke about the four types of scent – floral, chypre´, oriental and fresh {fougere} and how these relate to personality types. ‘Chypre´s have never seen a shade of grey’.

Roja spoke about how complex our sense of smell is and highlighted that we smell with our most primitive brain, not with our noses. His best advice is to be authentic, use your gut instincts when choosing scents and pay attention to your reactions rather than following fashion.  Choose a scent or scents that are authentically you – you want to wear the scent not have it wear you.

Roja Dove’s delicious creations can be found online at www.rojaparfums.com.  They can be found in the flesh at 51 Burlington Arcade at Roja Parfum flagship shop and on the 6th floor of Harrods in the Salon de Parfum in his Haute Perfumerie.  I encourage you to go along and enjoy a sensual sensory experience – experiment and smell deeply.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be O

 

M is for Movies

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is M and M is for Movies.

Most of us respond to stories. Stories keep us engaged, especially when we can relate to the characters. The movies we enjoy most are the ones that tell a great story. If you have watched most pornography, you will know that most of these movies do not tell great stories and many of them tell no stories at all. The attraction is the opportunity to see all sorts of sex being engaged in by all manner of people. Most pornography is watched solo and is watched long enough to reach orgasm. Not many people watch full movies of old style porn. The story lines are usually non-existent and characters so poorly drawn as to be ridiculous. People talk about the ‘purpose’ of pornography of being the creation of desire and arousal and therefore many see no use in telling a story.

Fantasies are stories and when the stories are well written and well told, you can be drawn in and aroused before you know it. The best erotica causes arousal even when it is something you normally would not find arousing. That can be really disconcerting. A well told fantasy may introduce you to a desire you didn’t know you had. Good characters will seduce us, draw us in until we cannot wait to see what will happen next. Think of the last really good film you saw. Did you feel a part of the story? Some characters are so engaging, that the movie going public supports enough sequels to create a franchise.

There are a variety of female film makers who have been creating pornography with story lines. And women who have created sites that are geared towards erotica and pornography for women. Anne Frolicme, founder of http://frolicme.com/ has created a site with erotic films, stories and photo collections aimed at women. Erika Lust http://erikalustfilms.com/ directs, writes screen plays and produces. Angela Rowntree started http://sssh.com/ (http://sssh.com/), an erotica site for women. She began to produce films in the mid-90’s and started focusing on women in 1999. When she talks about what is different about her films, she highlights realistic scenarios, relatable characters and real pleasure instead of acted orgasms.

For couples who find straight pornography or even more modern pornography with a good story line uncomfortable, there are many movies that are extremely erotic without any graphic sex scenes. I created an ebook called 74 Movies that are not Pornography with a list of 74 of them.

Good movies can help us to explore all types of fantasies, fetishes, and desires. They can be a good first step when considering if you want to engage in a particular type of sexual behaviour. If erotica about that fantasy turns you on, that is an indication you may wish to explore further. However, just because something turns us on when viewed on the screen, doesn’t mean it will turn us on enacted in real life. Some things are meant to stay fantasies. Fantasies give us the opportunity to try on identities, sexualities, genders, relationship styles. They give us the opportunity to explore taboos without risks and as long as we understand these are just fantasies, without shame.

Some of the movies on my list are old movies. For example, The Man In Grey is from 1943. It’s a British costume drama. Why is it on the list? It has James Mason who is frequently in tight britches with riding crop and treating Phyllis Calvert appallingly. It may not work for you, but many of us found this movie enticing. Belle de Jour with Catherine Deneuve from 1967 is extremely steamy. Lolita was made in 1962 by Stanley Kubrick and based on the...

M is for Movies

 

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is M and M is for Movies. 

 

Most of us respond to stories.    Stories keep us engaged, especially when we can relate to the characters.    The movies we enjoy most are the ones that tell a great story.   If you have watched most pornography, you will know that most of these movies do not tell great stories and many of them tell no stories at all.    The attraction is the opportunity to see all sorts of sex being engaged in by all manner of people.    Most pornography is watched solo and is watched long enough to reach orgasm.  Not many people watch full movies of old style porn.  The story lines are usually non-existent and characters so poorly drawn as to be ridiculous.  People talk about the ‘purpose’ of pornography of being the creation of desire and arousal and therefore many see no use in telling a story. 

 

Fantasies are stories and when the stories are well written and well told, you can be drawn in and aroused before you know it.  The best erotica causes arousal even when it is something you normally would not find arousing.  That can be really disconcerting.   A well told fantasy may introduce you to a desire you didn’t know you had.    Good characters will seduce us, draw us in until we cannot wait to see what will happen next. Think of the last really good film you saw.  Did you feel a part of the story?  Some characters are so engaging, that the movie going public supports enough sequels to create a franchise.    

 

There are a variety of female film makers who have been creating pornography with story lines.    And women who have created sites that are geared towards erotica and pornography for women.  Anne Frolicme, founder of http://frolicme.com/ has created a site with erotic films, stories and photo collections aimed at women.    Erika Lust http://erikalustfilms.com/ directs, writes screen plays and produces.  Angela Rowntree started http://sssh.com/, an erotica site for women.   She began to produce films in the mid-90’s and started focusing on women in 1999.  When she talks about what is different about her films, she highlights realistic scenarios, relatable characters and real pleasure instead of acted orgasms. 

 

For couples who find straight pornography or even more modern pornography with a good story line uncomfortable, there are many movies that are extremely erotic without any graphic sex scenes.    I created an ebook called 74 Movies that are not Pornography with a list of 74 of them. 

 

Good movies can help us to explore all types of fantasies, fetishes, and desires.  They can be a good first step when considering if you want to engage in a particular type of sexual behaviour.  If erotica about that fantasy turns you on, that is an indication you may wish to explore further.  However, just because something turns us on when viewed on the screen,  doesn’t mean it will turn us on enacted in real life.    Some things are meant to stay fantasies.  Fantasies give us the opportunity to try on identities, sexualities, genders, relationship styles.  They give us the opportunity to explore taboos without risks and as long as we understand these are just fantasies, without shame. 

 

Some of the movies on my list are old movies.  For example, The Man In Grey is from 1943.  It’s a British costume drama.  Why is it on the list?  It has James Mason who is frequently in tight britches with riding crop and treating Phyllis Calvert appallingly.    It may not work for you, but many of us found this movie enticing.  Belle de Jour with Catherine Deneuve from 1967 is extremely steamy.  Lolita was made in 1962 by Stanley Kubrick and based on the Nabokov novel.  This is really well done and can be both erotic and disturbing.

 

I am adding a trigger warning as some of the films on my list are not only erotic but they are challenging.   Some people enjoy films that are disturbing because they are erotic and deal with taboos.  Others do not.  This is one of the most wonderful things about human beings.  We are unique.   

 

Some people use films for masturbation only.  Others to explore areas of interest, fantasies and taboos and others with their partners to explore together or simply enjoy together.

 

There is a lot of concern around pornography addiction.  I do not agree with using the term addiction as I have not found that typical addiction treatment does anything to resolve the overuse of pornography.  When someone is watching pornography in preference to having sex with a real live human being, that is a problem that needs to be examined.  If someone is expecting their real life partners to perform like the actors on the screen that can also be a problem that needs to be examined.    Use of pornography and erotica in moderation is not only enjoyable but quite healthy.

Larry and Greg were together 5 years and overall their relationship worked very well.  They were the best of friends.  They enjoyed spending lots of time together.  They both loved the theatre and enjoyed going to each new play that came out locally.    They had friends over to watch the basketball that Greg enjoyed.  They enjoyed entertaining.  Everything seemed to fit together for them and they were talking about marriage.  There was just one problem. 

Their sex life was stagnant.    At the beginning of their relationship, they had lots of sex.  They explored a bit together and quickly found the activities they enjoyed.  Sex was exciting and satisfying for the first 18 months.  Then they moved in together. 

 

After moving in, sex became less frequent.  They were both busy with work.  It seemed more difficult to find time for sex.  Each one found annoying little things as we often do when we move in together.  They still enjoyed time together but their sex life felt a bit dull.    They started to talk about this when Larry began to talk about them getting married.    They came in for some coaching sessions to explore how they could bring their sex life back to where it had been before and also to look at how they would keep it there.    We worked together over 20 sessions exploring the problem spots, the things that worked really well, intense turn ons, possible areas of exploration and creating routines around sex and intimacy.   

 

For homework, I asked Larry and Greg to watch three movies between sessions, with each one having a different erotic theme.  They came back energised the next session.  Larry said ‘We each picked a film and the third we picked together.  I found it so hot to see what Greg was fantasising about.  After we watched Cruising, we had incendiary sex and then a long discussion about the possibility of trying some BDSM.’  The couple told me that adding movies to their erotic repertoire has created a new energy between them.  They have a movie date night with a twist at least once a month.

 

If you are interested in BDSM and Authority Transfer relationships, my favourite movies include:

Swept Away (1974) Lina Wertmuller. Starring Giancarlo Giannini.  This film is far better than the remake.  There are many layers to the film. It examines the relationship between men and women, dominance and submission, capitalists and communists.  The erotic layer is focused on power dynamics between men and women.

 

Last Tango in Paris (1972) Bertolucci.  Starring Marlon Brando. This film has caused all sorts of controversy since it’s release.  Watch the film first and then look at the controversy.

 

9 ½ Weeks – Based on the book by Elizabeth McNeil.  The film is great but the book was better.

 

Histoire D’O (1975)  Based on the book written in 1954 by Anne Desclos.  This film is famous as a blueprint for S&M and authority transfer relationships prior to the internet.  I first saw it at 15 in an art cinema in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

 

If you are interested in pure erotica that is incorporated into a story:

The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946) which is much hotter than the 1981 remake.  Stars Lana Turner and John Garfield.

 

The Man in Grey (1943) as mentioned above.

 

And God Created Woman (1956) Roger Vadim.  Brigitte Bardot brings a ton of erotic energy to this film.

 

One of my favourite cinematographers who creates hotly erotic films with incredible stories and characters is Jane Campion.   Two of my favourites are The Piano (1993) that co-stars Harvey Keitel. It is a complex erotic drama and Sleeping Beauty (2011) which is more obviously sexually themed as the star offers her body to men to have sex with her when she is sleeping.   Campion is deliciously complex and I highly recommend her work if you enjoy intense complex stories. 

 

Here are a few mainstream films you might not have considered initially;

Basic Instinct (1992) Famous for Sharon Stone’s girl on girl scene, many people find it intensely erotic.

 

Women in Love (1969) Ken Russell.  This one has the two men wrestling naked in front of the fire scene, that saw the British censors all in a lather.

 

Dangerous Liaisons (1988) Stephen Freaers.  Starring Glenn Close, Uma Thurman and John Malkovitch. 

 

Brokeback Mountain (2005). 

Jerry wrote in ‘My partner told me that he watches pornography when he masturbates sometimes.  I was glad that he told me but I am worried that I don’t measure up to what he sees on the screen.  Please help.’  Thanks for writing in Jerry.  The fact that your partner is being open instead of secretive means you have very little to worry about.    When partners lie about their behaviour, that is when you need to be concerned.

 

Do you have great sex?  Does your partner show you he is attracted to you?  If the answer is yes to these questions, then you also know you don’t need to be worrying about ‘measuring up’.  Don’t compare yourself to a two dimensional character on the screen.  Your partner is interested in a real life person he can touch, smell, hear, taste and feel. 

 

If this is still worrying to you, sit down and talk to your partner about your anxieties and your fears.  If the conversation doesn’t help, find a coach to talk with to help you to work through your anxieties and your fears around these areas.

 

Today I talked about erotic movies and pornography.  If any of this triggered you or if you have a question or a comment, write to me at [email protected].

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about all types of relationships – all genders, sexualities, lifestyles.  For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.

If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on Apple podcasts,  iTunes and/or Sticher and please subscribe!

If you want access to extra writings, podcasts, videos and to know where you can see me live, sign up for my regular mailing by emailing me at [email protected] or picking up my free ebook at https://drloribeth.leadpages.co/intimacy-coach-opt Join me next week when the letter will be N.

L is for Lust

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is L and L is for Lust.

Lust is defined as strong sexual desire. We often speak of it as a strong craving – sexual desire that can border on obsession. Lust of that intensity creates an attachment to the person lusted after. There is a lot of reference to lust in religion – as to why lust is damaging. In religion, passion and lust are separated. Passion being seen as acceptable and lust being seen as damaging.

In the Buddhist tradition, lust is damaging as it is seen as the passionate desire and attachment to things, people, situations and it is this attachment that causes suffering.

In Christianity, the translation of the New Testament into English from the Greek has led to the term desire being translated into lust which is linked to sexual desire. While this make sense when one looks at Matthew 5:27-28 Ye have heard it said by many time thou shalt not commit adultery: but I say unto you whoever shall look on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery already in his heart. It doesn’t when looking at other parts of the translation.

Often people are told they do not know the difference between lust and love. When people fall ‘in love’ some therapists believe that this is actually just lust in action. Lust comes an intensity that can make it hard to distinguish between physical desire and emotional intimacy. I am not saying that lust isn’t a part of being in love and also a part of long term love. Sexual passion is an amazing part of an intimate relationship. However, confusing love for lust can lead us to making really bad relationship choices. Lust can overwhelm logical thinking. Safe sex conversations go out the window as you give into your impulses putting you both at risk (as well as any other partners you might have). Do you know if they are married? In a monogamous relationship? You would be surprised how many people forget this conversation too when intense lust takes control.

Again, I don’t want to put you off riding this incredible wave of sexual desire. I simply want to highlight the need to separate that physical passion from emotional intimacy.

Instant attraction, intense lust, is a great ego boost but if it dies down quickly it can leave you questioning whether any of it was real. It leaves you questioning yourself and your value. And you can end up questioning the other person’s value too.

Lust can drive us to do things we might otherwise not consider. Our limits and boundaries fly out the window when the chemical and hormonal cocktail takes over. Sometimes this leads to phenomenal peak sexual experiences. Other times it can leave us feeling awful. We have to be careful to own our part in these experiences. Making a bad decision does not mean that we were coerced by the other person. It may well mean that we were coerced by our own bodies into acting on an impulse. We have to be willing to look clearly at the experience and then forgive ourselves and our bodies and move on.

Many of us fall prey to lust because of a fear of missing out. The dreaded FOMO. This comes from a scarcity mind set. There is an abundance of experiences and an abundance of desirable partners out there. You have time to take a breath and think things through before acting on your lust.

Of course you are always free to choose to act on your lust. If you are like me and are a believer in synchronicity, then acting on an intense connection may be important to you. Synchronicity is defined as :

the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (such as similar thoughts in...

L is for Lust

 

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is L and L is for Lust. 

 

Lust is defined as strong sexual desire.  We often speak of it as a strong craving – sexual desire that can border on obsession.    Lust of that intensity creates an attachment to the person lusted after.    There is a lot of reference to lust in religion – as to why lust is damaging.   In religion, passion and lust are separated.  Passion being seen as acceptable and lust being seen as damaging.

 

In the Buddhist tradition, lust is damaging as it is seen as the passionate desire and attachment to things, people, situations and it is this attachment that causes suffering. 

 

In Christianity, the translation of the New Testament into English from the Greek has led to the term desire being translated into lust which is linked to sexual desire.   While this make sense when one looks at Matthew 5:27-28 Ye have heard it said by many time thou shalt not commit adultery: but I say unto you whoever shall look on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery already in his heart.   It doesn’t when looking at other parts of the translation.

 

Often people are told they do not know the difference between lust and love.  When people fall ‘in love’ some therapists believe that this is actually just lust in action.    Lust comes an intensity that can make it hard to distinguish between physical desire and emotional intimacy.  I am not saying that lust isn’t a part of being in love and also a part of long term love.  Sexual passion is an amazing part of an intimate relationship.  However, confusing love for lust can lead us to making really bad relationship choices.   Lust can overwhelm logical thinking.  Safe sex conversations go out the window as you give into your impulses putting you both at risk (as well as any other partners you might have).  Do you know if they are married?  In a monogamous relationship?  You would be surprised how many people forget this conversation too when intense lust takes control. 

 

Again, I don’t want to put you off riding this incredible wave of sexual desire.  I simply want to highlight the need to separate that physical passion from emotional intimacy. 

 

Instant attraction, intense lust, is a great ego boost but if it dies down quickly it can leave you questioning whether any of it was real.   It leaves you questioning yourself and your value.  And you can end up questioning the other person’s value too.

 

Lust can drive us to do things we might otherwise not consider.  Our limits and boundaries fly out the window when the chemical and hormonal cocktail takes over.  Sometimes this leads to phenomenal peak sexual experiences.  Other times it can leave us feeling awful.      We have to be careful to own our part in these experiences.  Making a bad decision does not mean that we were coerced by the other person.    It may well mean that we were coerced by our own bodies into acting on an impulse.    We have to be willing to look clearly at the experience and then forgive ourselves and our bodies and move on.

 

Many of us fall prey to lust because of a fear of missing out.  The dreaded FOMO.    This comes from a scarcity mind set.    There is an abundance of experiences and an abundance of desirable partners out there.    You have time to take a breath and think things through before acting on your lust.

 

Of course you are always free to choose to act on your lust.  If you are like me and are a believer in synchronicity, then acting on an intense connection may be important to you.   Synchronicity is defined as :

the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (such as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality —used especially in the psychology of C. G. Jung

 

It was a term coined by Carl Jung who was a Swiss psychiatrist who lived from 1875 to 1961.  His particular version of psychoanalysis includes an understanding of spiritual and psychic events.

 

I would act on intuition and on synchronicity.  I also risk assess any given situation which means that I wouldn’t simply act without gathering some information no matter how intense the lust anymore.  When I was much younger, I found it hard step back from intense lust.  I learned how to do so over the years and as a result, I make far fewer bad decisions.  For me a bad decision is pursuing a relationship that brings drama with it or one that doesn’t bring joy to myself and the other person.   Being able to step back from intense emotion is a skill that can be learned and is a valuable skill to have as an adult.

 

Serena met Jenny at a networking event.  She noticed her from across a crowded room.  She laughed to herself and though that it was such a cliché.  She wondered if they would tell ‘how we met stories’ years from now and laugh about this.    Serena and Jenny walked through the crowd until they met in the middle.  They barely said hello before Serena took Jenny’s hand and led her out of the crowded bar, to the lift and then up to her room.   They barely made it into the door before they were kissing passionately.    Neither even tried to stop as they moved deeper into the room and towards the bed.    They each stripped clothing from the other without breaking the kiss.   The night was a whirlwind of passion.  They talked little.  They slept little.  They explored each other and the heat grew higher and higher until they ignited and then the fire burned all night long.  The next morning, Jenny left early for a meeting, leaving a note with her details next to the bed.   Serena phoned the following week and they met for dinner at a local restaurant.    The heat and the energy were still there.  It took effort to have a conversation and to eat the meal.        They couldn’t wait to leave the restaurant and go back to Jenny’s room.  The night was a repeat of their first encounter.

 

This is what lust looks like for many people.  The intensity of the attraction, the desire overwhelming – makes it hard to think about anything other than sexual touch.    The intensity outweighs everything.  People decide that long standing values don’t matter (because they disagree and they don’t want anything to get in the way of the relationship).  They are suddenly willing to pursue a relationship that goes against all the things they previously described as deal breakers.   They ignore the rest of the world, their responsibilities and everyone else they love in favour of this connection.  Lust is driven by pheromones.  It is driven by the chemicals and hormones we release:  Serotonin, Dopamine, Oxytocin and Endorphins.   Lust can become a part of love and it can exist on it’s own.  It can masquerade for love and when you wake up from the dream, you might discover you’ve nothing in common with the other person – no place to connect other than physically.

 

Should we avoid lust?  If we see lust as creating attachments that ultimately will cause misery or as a means to move away from our core values, yes.  If, however, lust is seen as a means to a peak experience – and we make conscious choices and accept the consequences – perhaps not.    The key here is engaging with lust consciously.  Consciously means examining the possibilities – positive, neutral and negative, considering them in more than just a brief moment.   And then accepting the consequences of our choices be they positive, neutral or negative or all three.   This means not blaming others for our feelings, our choices, the outcomes.      This is harder than it may seem.  It means being able to look at your own actions, feelings, choices clearly without pulling away or dismissing the things that make you uncomfortable.  Sitting with the uncomfortable, difficult parts of yourself, thoughts and feelings is not easy and it is of great worth.  Some of our greatest learning and achievements come from confronting the most difficult parts of ourselves and our choices.

 

Today I talked about lust, intense sexual desire, making conscious choices, taking responsibility for consequences and being able to sit with and face the uncomfortable and difficult parts of ourselves.  If any of this triggered you or if you have a question or a comment, write to me at [email protected].

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.

If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on Apple podcasts,  iTunes and/or Sticher and please subscribe!

If you want access to extra writings, podcasts, videos and to know where you can see me live, sign up for my regular mailing by emailing me at [email protected] or picking up my free ebook at https://drloribeth.leadpages.co/intimacy-coach-opt Join me next week when the letter will be M.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Today’s letter is K and K is for Kissing.

I have always thought kissing is under rated. It is how many cultures express affection and often deep kissing is the first part of a sexual encounter. When we are children, many of us learn that a kiss from a parent can heal wounds. As a parent, there is nothing like a kiss from your child. As for lovers, if kissing doesn’t work, often the relationship ends right there. Kissing can be formal and ritualistic – seen as a sacrament. Kissing the hand can be the symbol of respect. But where does kissing come from?

There are two schools of thought as to where kissing began. One school of thought sees kissing as developing from feeding where the mother would pre-chew the child’s food and transfer it mouth to mouth. The other school of thought is that kissing is instinctual.

Kissing as part of sex is mentioned as early as 3500 years ago in Hindu and Bhuddist writings. The Kama Sutra devotes an entire chapter on kissing!

Kisses in the Kama Sutra include:

The nominal kiss – The woman allows the lover to initiate the kiss and merely responds with a press of the lips.

The throbbing kiss – The woman opens her mouth slightly, moving her low lip only.

The touching kiss – The woman places her hands over her lovers and also touches his lip with her tongue.

The straight kiss - both parties share equally and place their lips together.

The bent kiss – lovers bend their heads towards each other as they kiss

The pressed kiss – The lower lips of both lovers are pressed tightly against each other.

The greatly pressed kiss – One lover cups the lower lip of the other with two fingers and then touching the lip with their tongue, presses it tightly with their own lip.

The wager kiss – Each lover tries to grab the other’s lower lip first. This is a teasing game played and women are advised to cry in order to win the game or increase the wager.

The kiss of the upper lip – Both lovers concentrate on one of the lips – or the or one partner initiates the upper kiss by getting the upper lip of the other nd the other gets the lower lip and they use the whole of their lips in the kiss.

The clasping kiss – One of the lovers takes both the lips of the other in to theirs and smooches. If the tongue touches palate, teeth or tongue of the other then it is called the fighting of the tongue.

The Kama Sutra goes on to talk about the emotions induced by different types of kisses.

Kissing is noted in the Old Testament on a number of occasions. The Song of Songs has probably the most often quoted lyric on kissing ‘May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is better than wine’.

The Romans adored kissing and were probably responsible with spreading it from North Africa through to Europe. They defined several types of kissing – the hand or cheek, the mouth with closed lips (for relatives) and with open mouth (passionate kiss).

The study of kissing began sometime in the 19th century and was named philematology. Darwin wrote about kissing and kissing-like behaviours (rubbing noses, sniffing the other person). Darwin believed that kissing was innate behaviour.

Wherever there is deep affection, kissing is used to express it. It has been used as an expression of extreme gratitude. In East Asian cultures, sniff kissing (sniffing the person and kissing the cheek) is the most common form of kissing and mouth to mouth kissing is reserved for sexual foreplay.

So what is it about kissing that draws us in? Kissing uses all of our senses. Take a moment and think about the last really good kiss you experienced. Do you remember the smell of the other person, the taste of their mouth, how their lips felt? Kissing gives us the opportunity to connect intimately.

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Today’s letter is K and K is for Kissing. 

 

I have always thought kissing is under rated.  It is how many cultures express affection and often deep kissing is the first part of a sexual encounter.   When we are children, many of us learn that a kiss from a parent can heal wounds.     As a parent, there is nothing like a kiss from your child.     As for lovers, if kissing doesn’t work, often the relationship ends right there.  Kissing can be formal and ritualistic – seen as a sacrament.    Kissing the hand can be the symbol of respect.  But where does kissing come from?

 

There are two schools of thought as to where kissing began.  One school of thought sees kissing as developing from feeding where the mother would pre-chew the child’s food and transfer it mouth to mouth.   The other school of thought is that kissing is instinctual. 

 

Kissing as part of sex is mentioned as early as 3500 years ago in Hindu and Bhuddist writings.  The Kama Sutra devotes an entire chapter on kissing!

 

Kisses in the Kama Sutra include:

The nominal kiss – The woman allows the lover to initiate the kiss and merely responds with a press of the lips.

The throbbing kiss – The woman opens her mouth slightly, moving her low lip only.

The touching kiss – The woman places her hands over her lovers and also touches his lip with her tongue.

The straight kiss  - both parties share equally and place their lips together.

The bent kiss – lovers bend their heads towards each other as they kiss

The pressed kiss – The lower lips of both lovers are pressed tightly against each other.

The greatly pressed kiss – One lover cups the lower lip of the other with two fingers and then touching the lip with their tongue, presses it tightly with their own lip.

The wager kiss – Each lover tries to grab the other’s lower lip first.  This is a teasing game played and women are advised to cry in order to win the game or increase the wager.

The kiss of the upper lip – Both lovers concentrate on one of the lips – or the or one partner initiates the upper kiss by getting the upper lip of the other nd the other gets the lower lip and they use the whole of their lips in the kiss.

The clasping kiss – One of the lovers takes both the lips of the other in to theirs and smooches.  If the tongue touches palate, teeth or tongue of the other then it is called the fighting of the tongue. 

The Kama Sutra goes on to talk about the emotions induced by different types of kisses. 

 

Kissing is noted in the Old Testament on a number of occasions.   The Song of Songs has probably the most often quoted lyric on kissing ‘May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for your love is better than wine’.

 

The Romans adored kissing and were probably responsible with spreading it from North Africa through to Europe.  They defined several types of kissing – the hand or cheek, the mouth with closed lips (for relatives) and with open mouth (passionate kiss).

 

The study of kissing began sometime in the 19th century and was named philematology. Darwin wrote about kissing and kissing-like behaviours (rubbing noses, sniffing the other person). Darwin believed that kissing was innate behaviour.  

 

Wherever there is deep affection, kissing is used to express it.  It has been used as an expression of extreme gratitude.   In East Asian cultures, sniff kissing (sniffing the person and kissing the cheek) is the most common form of kissing and mouth to mouth kissing is reserved for sexual foreplay.

 

So what is it about kissing that draws us in?  Kissing uses all of our senses.   Take a moment and think about the last really good kiss you experienced.   Do you remember the smell of the other person, the taste of their mouth, how their lips felt?   Kissing gives us the opportunity to connect intimately.  It is one of the best ways to reconnect as well. 

 

Your lips have TONS of nerve endings.  In fact, they can feel as much or more pleasure than the clitoris and the penis.  Helen Fisher, who is an anthropologist from Rutgers University  believes kissing most likely evolved to encourage three essential needs: lust, attraction and attachment. Our libido drives us to find sexual partners, romantic love drives us to commit to a relationship (or multiple relationships) and attachment keeps us together over the long haul.

 

Kissing causes the release of oxytocin – the bonding hormone which promotes trust, attachment and bonding.  So it increases intimacy as well as passion.   Passionate kissing will get your libido started by raising your blood pressure, your heart rate. Open mouth kissing with a man allows for transfer of testosterone which increases the libido of the partner. It burns calories (1 to 2 per minute) and lowers your stress levels.  It can increase your life expectancy: research demonstrates married men who are kissed goodbye by their wives each day live 5 years longer.

 

When we kiss, it helps us to choose the right mate because we take in so much biological information via saliva and pheromones.  It can let us know if we are biologically compatable or too closely related biologically.  When you are healthy, kissing can boost both immune systems.  It uses all 34 muscles in the face.

 

Great kissers use their whole bodies.   They nibble, use their tongues, move with their partners and most of all take their time.  

Movies had to contend with the Hay Code from 1928 to the mid -50’s where kissing for 3 seconds was all that was allowed. They were creative and broke off the kisses every 3 seconds – and yet the kisses lasted a long time.  For example, in Alfred Hitchcock’s 1946 film notorious there is a two and a half minute kissing scene/

 

Valentino was famous for kissing a woman’s hand and then up her arm finishing at the back of her neck.  Kissing all over the body is incredible foreplay.   The Kama Sutra describes different types of kissing on different areas of the body and gives specific instructions as to how to gain specific emotional and sexual responses.    When staying aroused has become a problem in a relationship, returning to just kissing can help move things on.   I have often had couples restrict themselves to kissing for a few weeks and note their responses.  They often report a large increase in desire and higher levels of intimacy while they are spending lots of time only kissing.

 

Kissing may let you know how satisfied a man is with your relationship.   A study done at the Kinsey Institute for Sexual Research demonstrated that kissing and cuddling were the most important predictors for relationship satisfaction. A study at University College London found that men who kiss their partners goodbye before leaving the house have fewer car accidents.

 

Kissing acts as a brilliant pain killer.  Endorphins are released and these are the body’s natural pain killers which are far more powerful than morphine.

 

Kissing increases confidence. When you kiss someone, you are telling them that they are valuable to you, attractive to you and that you want to be intimate with them. All of these messages increase your self-confidence and self-esteem. A German study found that men who left home after having a good deep kiss from their wives earned more money.

The same hormones (oxytocin and endorphins) can help boost self-esteem and self-confidence. 

 

As your kissing prowess increases, your confidence increases because you can see that you are creating intense joy in your partner, increasing his desire and increasing his sexual satisfaction.

 

If your relationship has reached a bit of a stall, your desire has decreased, why not use kissing to help get things moving again? 

 

I would love to hear your stories about kissing – email me at [email protected].

 

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex  Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites https://atozofsex.com and https://the-intimacy-coach.com   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.

If you enjoyed the podcast, please leave me a review on apple podcast, stitcher or where ever else you listen.

Sign up for regular news from me by filling in the contact form on either website, or sending me an email.

Join me next week when the letter will be L.

Enjoy this reissue interview with Ms Max Rulz about all things kinky.

 

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Today’s letter is K and K is for Kinky. Kinky (when it refers to sex) is defined as involving or given to unusual sexual behaviour. Kinky behaviour has traditionally been underground but in recent years, has entered the mainstream public domain. Today I am joined by Ms Max Rulz. She has been teaching people about sexuality and kink for the past 25 years. She has participated and supported and educated folk through the national leather community. She served on the board of the Leather Library and had her own kink radio show called the Leather Hour in Houston and Galveston.

We talk about the most common kinks that Ms Max has observed over the years and she says the number one is cross dressing. The second is flogging or the desire for some type of correction.

Ms Max highlights that the most important skill is communication and that lots of discussion and negotiation goes on between people who decide to engage in a kinky sexual scene. She compares this to the way people who are not kinky communicate about sex and we discuss the problems in this arena and the concerns we have for the younger generation who are not learning to talk about sex from their parents but rather from their peers. 

Ms Max highlights that honesty and authenticity are the other two most important components and that this is an area where there is also a lack in modern day relationships.

John wrote in and asked how he could raise the subject of his desire for cross dressing with his wife. He has been a cross dresser for 15 years but has never told her. Ms Max suggests that he can approach the subject gingerly by bringing up things in conversation – like the fact that he enjoys the feeling of her gown when she is lying next to him. And then maybe asking if she would like to feel how that feels.  She is clear that he needs to be prepared for rejection because he did not bring his authentic self to the table initially but that he shouldn’t give up after only one try. She may have her own kinks that she would like to explore.  She also suggests that he try one of the many games that encourage couples to take turns doing sexual things. This way they can explore together. 

To contact Ms Max you can email [email protected].

Thanks for listening to the A to Z of Sex this week.  Join me next week when the letter is L.

 

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Today’s letter is J and Jilling (and Jacking) Off.

Jacking off and jilling off are both terms used for masturbation. I was over 40 before I heard the term ‘jilling off’ and found it amusing that there was a separate word for masturbation for women and for men. Masturbation is not only normal, but almost everyone masturbates. Most people masturbate whether they are single or in relationships. Masturbation has health benefits that include stress reduction, a reduction in prostate cancer for men, relief from menstrual cramps for women to name a few. Masturbation also increases muscle tone in the pelvic and anal areas.

Historically, masturbation has been depicted in art since prehistoric times. Masturbation was previously seen as immoral. Most of the emphasis on immorality came about from the biblical prohibition against spilling one’s seed on the ground. This was in contrast to being fruitful and multiplying. In the late 20th and 21st centuries, masturbation has been destigmatised. Masturbation is no longer seen as damaging or a problem unless it gets in the way of sex with a partner or interferes with work and other activities. If you are masturbating for hours every day and not doing anything else, it is a problem. Otherwise, it is healthy and should be a lot of fun.

Jacking off is not only fun but it can help a guy find out what turns him on most. It can also help him learn to control his orgasms so he can last longer during sex with a partner. Jilling off can help a woman figure out what turns her on the most and also help her figure out how to reach orgasm – what kind of stimulation works best for her – direct clitoral stimulation, indirect stimulation, penetration, no penetration.

Sometimes men worry that they can damage their penises by jacking off too much. A penis doesn’t ‘break’ unless very violently twisted when erect and it is the tubes that fill with blood during erection that rupture. Damage when partner is on top is the most common but this is still very rare. There are no reported cases I could find of breaking a penis through jacking off. The most damage done during jacking off is usually some swelling and soreness from being too rough on the penis, using no lubrication and/or jacking off to often or too long.

Women worry about damaging themselves jilling off. The most common injury during jilling off is soreness of the clitoris caused by not enough lubrication, roughness or use of a toy without enough lubrication.

There are over 500 names/terms for masturbation. The term masturbation isn’t very exciting. Perhaps that’s why so many euphemisms have been created. This video from refinery 29 highlights a bunch of creative terms women use, including jilling off. Masturbation is such a clinical term. A couple of the other terms that stood out: buttering my muffin, petting the kitty. Rubbing it out is the gender neutral term that is preferred. Still most of the 500 names are male centric.

50 – 60% of women use sex toys for masturbation. I remember when I first became aware of sex toys the only vibrator that was regularly available was a hard plastic one. It was ugly and really rough. It put me off sex toys for many years. Now there are an amazingly wide number sex toys that are great for masturbation. Vibrators are made in body friendly silicone. There are ones (often called rabbits) that stimulate the clitoris and penetrate the vagina. There are rabbit vibrators that thrust and ones that heat up to body temperature. There is the Hitachi magic wand that is still one of the most popular vibrators available. It is very powerful. There are clitoral vibrators and the new clitoral stimulators (like the poorly named womaniser) which use sonic waves or suction or air currents to bring a

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Today’s letter is J and Jilling (and Jacking) Off. 

 

Jacking off and jilling off are both terms used for masturbation.  I was over 40 before I heard the term ‘jilling off’ and found it amusing that there was a separate word for masturbation for women and for men.   Masturbation is not only normal, but almost everyone masturbates.  Most people masturbate whether they are single or in relationships.  Masturbation has health benefits that include stress reduction, a reduction in prostate cancer for men, relief from menstrual cramps for women to name a few. Masturbation also increases muscle tone in the pelvic and anal areas.

 

Historically, masturbation has been depicted in art since prehistoric times.  Masturbation was previously seen as immoral.  Most of the emphasis on immorality came about from the biblical prohibition against spilling one’s seed on the ground.  This was in contrast to being fruitful and multiplying.    In the late 20th and 21st centuries, masturbation has been destigmatised.  Masturbation is no longer seen as damaging or a problem unless it gets in the way of sex with a partner or interferes with work and other activities.  If you are masturbating for hours every day and not doing anything else, it is a problem.  Otherwise, it is healthy and should be a lot of fun.

 

Jacking off is not only fun but it can help a guy find out what turns him on most.  It can also help him learn to control his orgasms so he can last longer during sex with a partner.  Jilling off can help a woman figure out what turns her on the most and also help her figure out how to reach orgasm – what kind of stimulation works best for her – direct clitoral stimulation, indirect stimulation, penetration, no penetration. 

 

Sometimes men worry that they can damage their penises by jacking off too much.  A penis doesn’t ‘break’ unless very violently twisted when erect and it is the tubes that fill with blood during erection that rupture.  Damage when partner is on top is the most common but this is still very rare.  There are no reported cases I could find of breaking a penis through jacking off.  The most damage done during jacking off is usually some swelling and soreness from being too rough on the penis, using no lubrication and/or jacking off to often or too long.

 

Women worry about damaging themselves jilling off.  The most common injury during jilling off is soreness of the clitoris caused by not enough lubrication, roughness or use of a toy without enough lubrication.

 

There are over 500 names/terms for masturbation.  The term masturbation isn’t very exciting.  Perhaps that’s why so many euphemisms have been created.    This video from refinery 29 highlights a bunch of creative terms women use, including jilling off. Masturbation is such a clinical term.   A couple of the other terms that stood out: buttering my muffin, petting the kitty. Rubbing it out is the gender neutral term that is preferred.  Still most of the 500 names are male centric.

 

50 – 60% of women use sex toys for masturbation.  I remember when I first became aware of sex toys the only vibrator that was regularly available was a hard plastic one.  It was ugly and really rough.  It put me off sex toys for many years.  Now there are an amazingly wide number sex toys that are great for masturbation.  Vibrators are made in body friendly silicone.  There are ones (often called rabbits) that stimulate the clitoris and penetrate the vagina.  There are rabbit vibrators that thrust and ones that heat up to body temperature.  There is the Hitachi magic wand that is still one of the most popular vibrators available.  It is very powerful.   There are clitoral vibrators and the new clitoral stimulators (like the poorly named womaniser) which use sonic waves or suction or air currents to bring a woman to orgasm. 

 

Masturbation does not take long.  The average man lasts three minutes and 45 seconds when masturbating.  There is less consensus on how long the average woman takes to reach orgasm when masturbating.  Figures range from 20 seconds (yes, I said 20 SECONDS) to 20 minutes.    Masturbation to orgasm is a better sleep aid than any sleeping pills.

 

Masturbation is good for your sex life. People try out fantasies during masturbation prior to deciding if they would like to try them out with their partners in ‘real life’.   This can be a great way to test out how hot ideas and activities make you.  However, there are a lot of things that we fantasise about for masturbation that in life we would not find exciting or even enjoyable.   No reason not to use the material for fantasy though!

 

Masturbation can be more than just a quick affair.  There are a bunch of techniques you can use to spice it up – and build your orgasmic skills.  For example, edging is when you bring yourself to the brink repeatedly before you finally let yourself come.  Orgasm should then be explosive.    You can see how many times you can make yourself come in a short period of time.  Use both hands instead of one or perhaps use no hands at all. 

 

Women can work on the ‘u spot’ which is right above the urethra and beneath the clitoris.   Rubbing this area alone is great but you can also rub from the u spot up onto the clitoris and back down.   Depending upon your own personal anatomy, you can rub under the hood of the clitoris.  If you are supersensitive, this probably won’t be much fun.  But otherwise, it can really excite.    Squeezing the labia is another great technique.  Many women begin masturbating by lying on their stomachs and rubbing against bedding, stuffed toys, pillows.  Some women use anal and breast stimulation to add to their masturbation.

 

For men, anal stimulation during masturbation can make things more exciting.  Nipple stimulation also works well to add to your pleasure. 

 

People masturbate throughout their lifespans.  Children begin to touch themselves as babies and toddlers because it feels good.  They touch themselves for comfort as well as for pleasure.  Orgasm does not become the goal until they are older.   People continue to masturbate, regardless of relationship status throughout adulthood.     Most people in relationships continue to masturbate.  Sometimes they incorporate this into sex with their partners.  Often, however, they simply continue to masturbate as they always have done. 

 

Mutual masturbation is a great way to learn each other’s bodies, turn ons and find out all the ways to bring each other pleasure.   Often people don’t consider mutual masturbation when looking at the menu of sexual choices they have.  Many only think of mutual masturbation when they are avoiding penetrative sex for some reason.  Mutual masturbation can be masturbating with each other without touching each other at all.  This can raise the intensity of the orgasm.  Or it can mean touching each other and exploring but no penetration allowed.  However you choose to add this to your sexual life, take time and explore.

 

Both men and women use pornography as an aid to quick masturbation.  More men use pornography but this has always been the case.  However, now women are using pornography more often as an aid to masturbation.

 

Masturbation during sex is one of the easiest ways to make sure a woman reaches orgasm.  Women who masturbate regularly know exactly what they need to be able to reach that peak.  It can be difficult to get the same type of stimulation during sex with a partner.  Only 28% of women reach orgasm routinely during intercourse without any additional stimulation.  If a woman stimulates her clitoris during intercourse, the rate of orgasm is much higher.

 

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex.

Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites https://atozofsex.com and https://the-intimacy-coach.com 

For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.

If you enjoyed the podcast, please leave me a review on apple podcast, stitcher or where ever else you listen.

Sign up for regular news from me by filling in the contact form on either website, or sending me an email.

Join me next week when the letter will be K.