The A to Z of Sex

Please enjoy again: E is for Egregious Harm

E is for Egregious Harm

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is E and E is for Egregious Harm. Egregious means outstandingly bad and/or shocking.

This may seem a strange topic for me to pick, but in the last few weeks the press has been filled with stories about sexual harassment, sexual touching without consent. Most of the recent stories come from television and film industry and politics. But many industries (like banking for example) are rife with scandals around sexual harassment and also sexual favours in order to get better jobs or bonuses.

This week I want to first look a bit at what happens when someone is violated or touched without consent and then look at why we, as a society, seem to have so much trouble getting rid of this problem.

Part of the issue is that defining violation and/or sexual harassment is subjective. Many times, harassment comes in the form of innuendo and pressure to do something. The issue as to whether consent has been granted then becomes the focal point. When the pressure to have sex with a boss is that a job will be lost or a promotion will not be forthcoming, many people go ahead and accept the sexual contact. The issue is then more complicated as the consent is given grudgingly but it is still given.

Of course, when we look at consent, we have to look at whether a person is able to give or deny consent freely. If you believe you will lose a job if you don’t consent, you are not free to choose. Woman’s Watch highlights the definition of sexual harassment that is commonly accepted speaks of unwelcome behaviour and clearly highlights that a person may engage in the behaviour and accept the advances even though they really don’t want to because they fear losing a job or other negative consequences. As a result, they are not truly consenting.

In the film industry, the point has been made that lip service is paid to anti-discrimination policies and people say that if you bring a case you may win some money but you will never work again.

What impact does being violated have on the person? Impacts vary depending upon the type of violation: Was it a rape? Did someone grope you? Impacts vary depending upon the number of violations. Finally impacts vary depending upon the person being violated: Some people are very resilient and it has little effect and others are not so resilient and it has devastating effect.

People who have been violated sexually report lower self-esteem, higher incidents of depression, higher levels of anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, sleep problems, neck pain, problems with relationships and a loss of enjoyment in their sexual relationships. There is even research that sexual harassment will increase blood pressure. There was even a study done in Canada that found that women who had experienced repeated incidents of sexual harassment reported higher levels of suicidal thoughts. The impact is egregious and lasting.

We are aware of the damage sexual harassment and sexual violation does and have been so for a long time. Much effort and money has been expended to create anti-sexual harassment policies in many industries, to provide sensitivity training to workers in many industries to lower the incidence of sexual harassment. And yet, people don’t appear to take the steps necessary to get rid of the perpetrators despite the damage they do.

The Harvey Weinstein scandal spot lighted:

How many women accept pay offs following harassment incidents and

don’t go public about the predators. This casts some doubt on the

motivation around...

Please enjoy again: E is for Egregious Harm

 

E is for Egregious Harm

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is E and E is for Egregious Harm.  Egregious means outstandingly bad and/or shocking. 

 

This may seem a strange topic for me to pick, but in the last few weeks the press has been filled with stories about sexual harassment, sexual touching without consent.   Most of the recent stories come from television and film industry and politics.  But many industries (like banking for example) are rife with scandals around sexual harassment and also sexual favours in order to get better jobs or bonuses.

 

This week I want to first look a bit at what happens when someone is violated or touched without consent and then look at why we, as a society, seem to have so much trouble getting rid of this problem.

 

Part of the issue is that defining violation and/or sexual harassment is subjective.  Many times, harassment comes in the form of innuendo and pressure to do something.   The issue as to whether consent has been granted then becomes the focal point.  When the pressure to have sex with a boss is that a job will be lost or a promotion will not be forthcoming, many people go ahead and accept the sexual contact.  The issue is then more complicated as the consent is given grudgingly but it is still given.

 

Of course, when we look at consent, we have to look at whether a person is able to give or deny consent freely.  If you believe you will lose a job if you don’t consent, you are not free to choose.   Woman’s Watch highlights the definition of sexual harassment that is commonly accepted speaks of unwelcome behaviour and clearly highlights that a person may engage in the behaviour and accept the advances even though they really don’t want to because they fear losing a job or other negative consequences.  As a result, they are not truly consenting.

 

In the film industry, the point has been made that lip service is paid to anti-discrimination policies and people say that if you bring a case you may win some money but you will never work again.

 

What impact does being violated have on the person?  Impacts vary depending upon the type of violation: Was it a rape?  Did someone grope you?  Impacts vary depending upon the number of violations.  Finally impacts vary depending upon the person being violated: Some people are very resilient and it has little effect and others are not so resilient and it has devastating effect.

 

People who have been violated sexually report lower self-esteem, higher incidents of depression, higher levels of anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, sleep problems, neck pain, problems with relationships and a loss of enjoyment in their sexual relationships.  There is even research that sexual harassment will increase blood pressure.  There was even a study done in Canada that found that women who had experienced repeated incidents of sexual harassment reported higher levels of suicidal thoughts. The impact is egregious and lasting. 

 

We are aware of the damage sexual harassment and sexual violation does and have been so for a long time.  Much effort and money has been expended to create anti-sexual harassment policies in many industries, to provide sensitivity training to workers in many industries to lower the incidence of sexual harassment.    And yet, people don’t appear to take the steps necessary to get rid of the perpetrators despite the damage they do.

 

The Harvey Weinstein scandal spot lighted:

            How many women accept pay offs following harassment incidents and

            don’t go public about the predators.  This casts some doubt on the

            motivation around coming forward now.  Is it possible that they are

            wanting an additional pay out?  Publicity? Attention?  Are they feeling

            guilty at not protecting others?

           

            How many people in the industry knew about his excesses and his bad

            behaviour and did nothing.  Are they afraid for their positions or do they

            simply consider this as a part of their industry.

 

It wasn’t just the men who were quiet or were condoning, it was the women as well.  People appear to take the view that they must look after themselves but that there is no obligation to look after anyone else. 

 

Is it possible that for some people, this type of harassment doesn’t have much of a negative impact?  They just write off the sex and the crude flirting as a cost of doing business and don’t think about it again.  Is this any different than what young women who marry very rich much older men do?  They aren’t attracted to these guys but they know in order to get to live the lifestyle they want, sex with these men is the price.    Do we have a right to tell people that they cannot make this type of trade?

 

Where is the line between truly consensual use of sex and innuendo in the workplace in order to advance and harassment. And further where is the line for assault?  There are many people who would argue that there is no way to have the sex be truly consensual because there is a power imbalance in the relationship. 

 

Harassment like rape is not about sex.  It is about power.  The person wielding the power uses sex as a means to put down the other, to humiliate them, to control them.  Writer and feminist activist, Beatrix Campbell says ‘There’s a knowledge of and tolerance of sexual harassment that makes women’s journeys through public space always a little bit hazardous… The other structural conversation to have about this apart from power is shame.  I think the politics of humiliation, which is at the centre of all of this, has been erased from the discourse.  It can’t be underestimated because you were in that room, he did put his hands on your body.  Even if you escaped, the point is that you were there.’

 

People have asked the question how these women ended up in a hotel room with Harvey Weinstein as though that were a reflection on them.  Notwithstanding the fact that it is not unusual to have meetings in hotel rooms in the TV and film industries, the fact is that the person who is being harassed is usually a person of low power in the organisation.  They are not in the position to choose the meeting place for an interview or an audition. 

 

Discerning the difference between normal sexual behaviour (appropriate flirting for example) and harassment is often seen as difficulty.  However, knowing the law can help.  In UK law, there are two types of sexual harassment: Quid pro quo which is offering preferential treatment in exchange for sexual favours and hostile work environment which is when because of sexual harassment a person feels unsafe or it prevents them from accepting opportunities. 

 

If someone makes a sexual joke in your hearing at the office and you are offended by this, it may be sexual harassment but it may not.  Did it affect your ability to do your work or create a hostile work environment?  If not, it may be unpleasant but it isn’t harassment.   If someone grabs you and kisses you and you didn’t ask them to, that is pretty straight forward. If your boss lets you know that your promotion is dependent upon your prowess in bed, that is also pretty straight forward.

 

If we want this harassment culture to change, we will have to change the way we view women in general.  Advertising consistently proves that sex sells.  Women are often told that their looks are paramount and encouraged to use their looks.  Men are encouraged to look at a woman’s body and looks first and any talents second.  As long as we perpetuate this view of women, as long as we don’t respect a woman’s talents, it will be hard to decrease and then end harassment. 

 

Girls are still being told by their mothers that they should use what ‘God gave them’.  They are still taught to tease in order to ‘catch’ a man.  As long as we teach girls and women that their bodies are a commodity, sexual harassment will continue.

 

We also need to teach girls and boys that their body is theirs and that they can set boundaries.  We need to teach them what boundaries are and how to say no in a clear way that no one will misunderstand.  We need to teach them about sexual harassment and sexual assault.

 

If we want the culture that enables predators to thrive to end, we need to have a rational understanding of sexual harassment and assault with clear definitions.  We all need to take responsibility for setting boundaries.  We must have zero tolerance for predatory behaviour. 

 

Why do I say predatory behaviour instead of predators?  It is infinitely easier to identify predatory behaviour.  Identifying predators can be difficult particularly when they are charming and in positions of power.  Predatory behaviour, once defined, is simpler to identify. 

 

Common predatory behaviour includes:

Ignoring personal space boundaries

Standing too close, touching you as they brush past you – by accident of course, finding reasons to have physical contact or to stand too close. 

            There are cultural differences and individual differences when it comes

            to personal space boundaries.   To avoid violating personal space

            boundaries in the work place, find out what the workplace norms are.

Making inappropriate comments as ‘jokes’.

            These comments often focus on how someone looks and can be sexual

            in nature.  They may be purely innuendo or they may be graphic.  This is

            hardest to manage in industries that see looks and sexiness as central to

            the products they provide.  For example, modelling or film.

 

Trying to gain sexual or personal favours in exchange for a promotion, work

            related perks or gains or stating that a job depends upon the favours

 

Pressuring behaviour – for attention, for perks, for personal favours or

            Intimate favours. 

 

Demeaning speech: Anything that implies a person did not earn their

            job, anything that implies someone is not of value for their work,

            is only of value because of looks or sexuality.

 

 

We can prevent a culture of sexual harassment and assault from continuing.   We just have to agree that it is a priority and that the harm created is egregious. 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! Is BDSM or Power Exchange for You?

Are you already involved but want to improve things?

Take the test to find out about your kinky quotient https://the-intimacy-coach.com/kinkyquotient .

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter F.

Please enjoy this reboot of: D is for Dice

D is for Dice

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is D and D is for Dice.

Joining me today is Jeremy Fraser, originally a Londoner to kiwi parents - now living in New Zealand. Serial entrepreneur, partner to Lauretta, surfer and road biker, step-father to 1 and if all goes to plan, a freshly minted father to my own in 7 months' time. He started Dalliance Adult 12 months ago and initially fell randomly into the adult dice niche as there was an opportunity on Amazon to create a product that was much better than all the cheap shite that was already on there. Now we have copycats galore. He wanted to stay away from all the same-same tacky plastic bondage gear and sex toys that have flooded the market. He soon realised there was a market for upscale adult products from a company that genuinely cared about their customers and their relationships with their partners.

As you can see from our website and FB page, our mission is to re-ignite relationships that are staling and to help folks develop love and trust with their partner, through content we generate and games and toys that we curate.

We talked about sex dice, the difficulties in creating intimacy and getting relationships re-ignited after you have been in them for a long time. We talked about how ‘ordinary’ couples can find it really difficult to talk about sex and Jeremy said that men particularly find this difficult as they don’t want to upset their wives or hurt their wife’s feelings. We spoke about how sex can become routine or boring, how life can get in the way of an exciting sexual life and how things like sex dice can be used to bring some new energy into that part of the relationship. We talk about laughter and light heartedness as part of intimacy and how often people find this a problem. Again games and sex toys can be used as a way to introduce some laughter and light energy.

I asked about his views on pornography and he spoke of how so much is available on the internet for free and that this can desensitize people to sex and might mean someone is not interested in their partner because sex is seen as so ordinary. I pointed out that I thought that this really wasn’t the issue but rather it was the expectations people had as a result of what they were watching that could be a problem.

I asked about what is coming up for his company. He said the next item is a really beginner BDSM set with instructions. He said that information on new products can be found on the Facebook page and on the website. Jeremy highlighted the fact that they also produce content to try to help couples to get re-engaged in their sexual lives.

To get in touch with Jeremy:

Website - www.dallianceadult.com

FB fanpage - Relationship Tips 'n' Trix (https://www.facebook.com/relationshiptipsntrix/)

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Please enjoy this reboot of: D is for Dice

 

D is for Dice

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is D and D is for Dice. 

 

Joining me today is Jeremy Fraser, originally a Londoner to kiwi parents - now living in New Zealand. Serial entrepreneur, partner to Lauretta, surfer and road biker, step-father to 1 and if all goes to plan, a freshly minted father to my own in 7 months' time. He started Dalliance Adult 12 months ago and initially fell randomly into the adult dice niche as there was an opportunity on Amazon to create a product that was much better than all the cheap shite that was already on there. Now we have copycats galore.  He wanted to stay away from all the same-same tacky plastic bondage gear and sex toys that have flooded the market.  He soon realised there was a market for upscale adult products from a company that genuinely cared about their customers and their relationships with their partners.

 

As you can see from our website and FB page, our mission is to re-ignite relationships that are staling and to help folks develop love and trust with their partner, through content we generate and games and toys that we curate.

 

We talked about sex dice, the difficulties in creating intimacy and getting relationships re-ignited after you have been in them for a long time.  We talked about how ‘ordinary’ couples can find it really difficult to talk about sex and Jeremy said that men particularly find this difficult as they don’t want to upset their wives or hurt their wife’s feelings.    We spoke about how sex can become routine or boring, how life can get in the way of an exciting sexual life and how things like sex dice can be used to bring some new energy into that part of the relationship.  We talk about laughter and light heartedness as part of intimacy and how often people find this a problem.  Again games and sex toys can be used as a way to introduce some laughter and light energy.

 

I asked about his views on pornography and he spoke of how so much is available on the internet for free and that this can desensitize people to sex and might mean someone is not interested in their partner because sex is seen as so ordinary.  I pointed out that I thought that this really wasn’t the issue but rather it was the expectations people had as a result of what they were watching that could be a problem. 

 

I asked about what is coming up for his company.  He said the next item is a really beginner BDSM set with instructions.  He said that information on new products can be found on the Facebook page and on the website.    Jeremy highlighted the fact that they also produce content to try to help couples to get re-engaged in their sexual lives.

 

To get in touch with Jeremy:

• Website - www.dallianceadult.com
• FB fanpage - Relationship Tips 'n' Trix (https://www.facebook.com/relationshiptipsntrix/)

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

C is for Condom

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is C and C is for Condom.

This week – the history of the condom. There are two cave paintings in France from 11,000 BC that scientists believe illustrate the first evidence of condoms. Having looked at the illustrations it is unclear to me as to why they believe that. Around 1,000 BC, the Egyptians used a linen sheath around the penis to prevent insect bites and tropical diseases. The Chinese used oiled silk paper and the Japanese used leather and tortoiseshell sheaths. The Romans developed condoms made of goat’s bladders. None of this is terribly appealing…

In the 1400’s in China and Japan, condoms first began to be used for birth control and to protect against infection. Safe sex was understood even back then. It is amazing that we still have trouble engaging people in safe sex given how long we have known how to engage in it! The Chinese favoured silk and lamb’s intestines. The Japanese favoured horn and tortoiseshell which seems tremendously uncomfortable to me!

In the 1500’s Gabrielle Fallopius invented a chemical soaked linen sheath to prevent the spread of syphilis. It was tied with a ribbon around the shaft of the penis. He conducted the first research that proved that condoms prevent the spread of sexually transmitted infections. The study had 1100 participants and used the linen condoms he invented. None of the people who used these contracted syphilis.

By the time we reached the 1700’s, the use of condoms for the prevention of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections is more widely known but now there is controversy as to whether or not they work. Some people believe that the availability of condoms encourages people to have more sex with more partners and so encourages immorality. During this time period, condoms became available in pubs and markets and were either made of intestines or bladder and soaked in lye or sulphur or made of linen and soaked in chemicals.

In the 1800’s members of parliament in the UK tried to get condoms banned because they didn’t do enough to prevent syphilis and encouraged lots of sex. The first rubber condom arrived in 1855. Rubber condoms were reusable so saved money in the long run but they were individually fitted. Despite this, they often fell off because they only covered the glans of the penis. Skin condoms were still cheaper.

In the 1900’s, lots of development occurred primarily because the military began to issue soldiers with condoms to prevent STI’s. In the late 1920’s latex was invented, and the first latex condoms appeared. But early latex condoms were not very effective at all – many leaked. As a result, the FDA in the US decided that a condom was a drug so that every condom had to be tested. In 1957, Durex created the first condom with lubrication. When condoms were found to prevent the spread of HIV, sales increased dramatically. Condoms remain the mainstay of safe sex.

Modern condoms are made of a variety of materials including natural latex, polyurethane, A-10 resin, and lambs intestines. Latex are the most flexible however some people have allergies and they cannot be used with oil based lubricants. Polyurethane has the disadvantage of being less elastic than latex and are more likely to slip or break than latex, but they can be used with oil based lubricants. Polyisoprene is a synthetic version of natural rubber latex. It has the advantage of being softer and more elastic like latex but without the protein that causes latex allergies. It transmits body heat well. But it cannot be used with oil based lubricants.

Lambskin are said to feel more natural, but they...

C is for Condom

 

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is C and C is for Condom. 

 

This week – the history of the condom.  There are two cave paintings in France from 11,000 BC that scientists believe illustrate the first evidence of condoms.  Having looked at the illustrations it is unclear to me as to why they believe that.    Around 1,000 BC, the Egyptians used a linen sheath around the penis to prevent insect bites and tropical diseases.  The Chinese used oiled silk paper and the Japanese used leather and tortoiseshell sheaths.  The Romans developed condoms made of goat’s bladders.    None of this is terribly appealing…

 

In the 1400’s in China and Japan, condoms first began to be used for birth control and to protect against infection.  Safe sex was understood even back then.  It is amazing that we still have trouble engaging people in safe sex given how long we have known how to engage in it!    The Chinese favoured silk and lamb’s intestines.  The Japanese favoured horn and tortoiseshell which seems tremendously uncomfortable to me!

 

In the 1500’s Gabrielle Fallopius invented a chemical soaked linen sheath to prevent the spread of syphilis.  It was tied with a ribbon around the shaft of the penis.  He conducted the first research that proved that condoms prevent the spread of sexually transmitted infections.  The study had 1100 participants and used the linen condoms he invented.    None of the people who used these contracted syphilis.

 

By the time we reached the 1700’s, the use of condoms for the prevention of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections is more widely known but now there is controversy as to whether or not they work.  Some people believe that the availability of condoms encourages people to have more sex with more partners and so encourages immorality.    During this time period, condoms became available in pubs and markets and were either made of intestines or bladder and soaked in lye or sulphur or made of linen and soaked in chemicals.

 

In the 1800’s members of parliament in the UK tried to get condoms banned because they didn’t do enough to prevent syphilis and encouraged lots of sex.   The first rubber condom arrived in 1855.  Rubber condoms were reusable so saved money in the long run but they were individually fitted.  Despite this, they often fell off because they only covered the glans of the penis.  Skin condoms were still cheaper.

 

In the 1900’s, lots of development occurred primarily because the military began to issue soldiers with condoms to prevent STI’s.  In the late 1920’s latex was invented, and the first latex condoms appeared.  But early latex condoms were not very effective at all – many leaked.  As a result, the FDA in the US decided that a condom was a drug so that every condom had to be tested.  In 1957, Durex created the first condom with lubrication.  When condoms were found to prevent the spread of HIV, sales increased dramatically.  Condoms remain the mainstay of safe sex.

 

Modern condoms are made of a variety of materials including natural latex, polyurethane, A-10 resin, and lambs intestines.  Latex are the most flexible however some people have allergies and they cannot be used with oil based lubricants.  Polyurethane has the disadvantage of being less elastic than latex and are more likely to slip or break than latex, but they can be used with oil based lubricants. Polyisoprene is a synthetic version of natural rubber latex.  It has the advantage of being softer and more elastic like latex but without the protein that causes latex allergies.  It transmits body heat well.  But it cannot be used with oil based lubricants.

 

Lambskin are said to feel more natural, but they may be less effective at preventing disease because of the larger pores in the lambskin.  Sperm cannot penetrate but it has been suggested that viruses can.  However, there has been no research to support this suggestion. 

 

There is a lot of choice these days.   There are condoms with ridges and ribs designed to increase pleasure for the woman.  Coloured condoms.  Flavoured condoms launched to make safe oral sex more palatable.    Condoms come in different sizes.   You cannot assume one size fits all.    Condom size is really important.  Too small and it is constricting which can cause pain during sex.  Too large and it either falls off or leaks – which means none of the protection you were using the condom for in the first place.    My favourite sizing guide can be found on Lucky Bloke condoms website.  They use a standard toilet paper roll to help find the best size condom!

People complain most often that condoms decrease pleasure because of the lack of skin on skin contact.   Polyurethane condoms conduct body heat well and when thin ones are used, they come closest to the full sensation of skin on skin contact.    Before settling on a particular condom style or brand, try a number of them.  There can be quite a large difference between different condoms so experiment until you find the ones you like best.  Remember to match your lubricant to the type of condom you are using.  Don’t forget to check the best before date on the condom and make sure you are using condoms that are in date.

 

People also complain that stopping to put on a condom breaks the mood.  Truthfully, it only takes a minute or so to put on a condom.   However, you can put the condom on together as part of foreplay to avoid any break in the mood.  If you are not practiced at putting on a condom or if you are with a new partner and somewhat nervous, don’t be surprised if you find it difficult.  Rather than getting frustrated, breathe and smile, and ask for help.   Remember there are many ways to revive a lost erection.

 

Condoms remain the cheapest most easily available form of birth control and one of the best ways to prevent disease transmission – second only to abstinence.   If you enjoy spontaneous sex, carry a condom with you.  I suggest women considering a heterosexual encounter carry condoms rather than relying on men to be prepared. 

 

Condoms can also be used with sex toys and dildos in order to protect from disease transmission as well.  If you are sharing toys, using a condom is the best way to make sure you are not picking up or spreading viruses.

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show, please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter D

B is for Blow Job

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is B and B is for Blow Job.

Cosmopolitan has published three articles on blow job tips in the last 2 years. Being able to give a great blow job is considered a skill that every woman should have. Some talk about blow jobs as the ultimate submissive act of worship. Others call blow jobs the ultimate in powerful acts.

Joining me today to discuss where the power lies – in the giver or the receiver is Zak Jane Keir. Zak Jane Keir is a writer and editor who has been involved in erotica for over 20 years. She used to review fetish clubs for a variety of top shelf magazines and is currently contemplating her memoirs. She also sells books at various fetish markets and occasionally finds time to do terrible things to people who ask nicely.

We started by talking about blow jobs and the difference between a dominant giving a blow job and a submissive giving a blow job. Zak talked about restraining someone, telling them they are not allowed to have an orgasm and then sucking cock. She spoke about some of the different ways of doing predicament bondage (also sometimes called a mind fuck) with a submissive that could include suggesting that teeth might be involved, or that there would be punishment if he reached orgasm and then making sure that he couldn’t avoid reaching orgasm.

We talked about attitudes towards sex in BDSM. And also spoke about the differences between the way submissive women and submissive men approach dominants.

Zak’s key tip is to use crème de menthe or if you don’t like alcohol, toothpaste and hold a bit in your mouth and then start sucking as it will add a tingling sensation. We also spoke about massaging the area behind the scrotum and in front of the anus. And sucking on balls.

For all of this we emphasised that everything must be negotiated and consensual.

As she was speaking about naked blow jobs, I raised the issue of safe sex and the choices we make. We spoke about how important it is to have knowledge about risks, an understanding of your own health and clear knowledge of any issues you have and knowledge about your partner so you can make a good risk assessment. We highlighted the importance of taking responsibility for your level of risk when at all possible.

Zak recently edited an anthology called Truth: An Eroticon Anthology which has 28 stories, some fiction and some non-fiction. You can grab it here.

Today we talked about blow jobs, blow jobs in BDSM, safe sex, risk assessment and taking responsibility for your own level of risk.

If you experienced any triggers or have questions, please email me at [email protected] .

Want to find Zak Jane Keir?

Dirtysexwords.com

Twitter

@decadentmadamez

@dirtysexywords

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey. For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter C.

B is for Blow Job

 

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is B and B is for Blow Job.

 

Cosmopolitan has published three articles on blow job tips in the last 2 years.    Being able to give a great blow job is considered a skill that every woman should have.      Some talk about blow jobs as the ultimate submissive act of worship.  Others call blow jobs the ultimate in powerful acts.   

 

Joining me today to discuss where the power lies – in the giver or the receiver is Zak Jane Keir.  Zak Jane Keir is a writer and editor who has been involved in erotica for over 20 years.  She used to review fetish clubs for a variety of top  shelf magazines and is currently contemplating her memoirs.  She also sells books at various fetish markets and occasionally finds time to do terrible things to people who ask nicely.

 

We started by talking about blow jobs and the difference between a dominant giving a blow job and a submissive giving a blow job.  Zak talked about restraining someone, telling them they are not allowed to have an orgasm and then sucking cock.  She spoke about some of the different ways of doing predicament bondage (also sometimes called a mind fuck) with a submissive that could include suggesting that teeth might be involved, or that there would be punishment if he reached orgasm and then making sure that he couldn’t avoid reaching orgasm. 

 

We talked about attitudes towards sex in BDSM.  And also spoke about the differences between the way submissive women and submissive men approach dominants. 

 

Zak’s key tip is to use crème de menthe or if you don’t like alcohol, toothpaste and hold a bit in your mouth and then start sucking as it will add a tingling sensation.  We also spoke about massaging the area behind the scrotum and in front of the anus.  And sucking on balls. 

 

For all of this we emphasised that everything must be negotiated and consensual.

As she was speaking about naked blow jobs, I raised the issue of safe sex and the choices we make.  We spoke about how important it is to have knowledge about risks, an understanding of your own health and clear knowledge of any issues you have and knowledge about your partner so you can make a good risk assessment.  We highlighted the importance of taking responsibility for your level of risk when at all possible.

 

Zak recently edited an anthology called Truth: An Eroticon Anthology which has 28 stories, some fiction and some non-fiction.  You can grab it here.

 

Today we talked about blow jobs, blow jobs in BDSM, safe sex, risk assessment and taking responsibility for your own level of risk.

 

If you experienced any triggers or have questions, please email me at [email protected] . 

 

Want to find Zak Jane Keir?

Dirtysexwords.com

 

Twitter

@decadentmadamez

@dirtysexywords

 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter C.

A is for Authority Transfer

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Sorry for moving from Y to A this time, but I did not have a ready Z and I have some great guests for A. Today the letter is A and A is for Authority Transfer.

Authority Transfer is used in place of Power Exchange by many people as they see power as remaining with the individual and what is being exchanged is the authority over the person (power included).

Today I am joined by Master Seykou and slave luna (Mama’s Sun and Mama’s Moon) are a heterosexual monogamous leather Master/slave couple that live in Denver, Colorado. They are active in the various Colorado communities and served as 2016 Colorado Master and slave.

Together they are founding members of the Leather Houses of Color Coalition and the Lighthouse BDSM Community Phone In. slave luna is the co-director of MaST Denver Females chapter and Denver Metro Community Liaison for the Hard Pink Sisterhood.

Master Seykou and slave luna look forward to connecting and sharing their Master/slave dynamic with others.

We started with a definition of authority exchange. Master Seykou spoke about the difference between power exchange – where one person is handing over power to another, and therefore is diminished (as they no longer hold their own power) and authority transfer where both parties still hold their own power but one person surrenders authority to the other.

One example luna gave was of driving in the car. She said the rule is no cell phone use in the car. She told me about picking up the phone without even thinking about it and Master Seykou saying put the phone down.. She said that when she got to the next traffic light, she picked the phone up again and he took the phone and threw it down in the well on his side of the car.

Luna described having the power to pull over to the side of the road and curse Master Seykou out and pick up her phone as she pays the bill for the phone. She said that she didn’t have the authority to do that because she has surrendered to Master Seykou and given him authority over her and it is his responsibility to keep them both safe.

We spoke about consent and the differences between grooming and abusive relationships and those that are consent based. We covered how relationships can have multiple levels, multiple dynamics at the same time: Being in a Master/slave dynamic and being married for example.

We covered scenes versus play and the amount of negotiation that goes on when you engage in each. We spoke about the boring bits of authority transfer that include being told to do chores or to go to bed to rest – things that most people don’t consider to be sexy and yet these are the bedrock of our dynamics.

We spoke about the relief in surrendering and that many people who choose to surrender are very powerful people in their daily lives and can be control freaks as well. The desire to put down that responsibility can be extremely intense.

Today we talked about authority exchange, BDSM, M/s relationships

If you experienced any triggers or have questions, please email me at [email protected] .

You can find Master Seykou and slave luna:

https://thesunandhismoon.com

Facebook

https://facebook.com/thesunandhismoon/

Twitter

https://twitter.com/seykouandluna/

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/thesunandhismoon/

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with...

A is for Authority Transfer

 

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Sorry for moving from Y to A this time, but I did not have a ready Z and I have some great guests for A.  Today the letter is A and A is for Authority Transfer.

 

Authority Transfer is used in place of Power Exchange by many people as they see power as remaining with the individual and what is being exchanged is the authority over the person (power included). 

 

Today I am joined by Master Seykou and slave luna (Mama’s Sun and Mama’s Moon) are a heterosexual monogamous leather Master/slave couple that live in Denver, Colorado.  They are active in the various Colorado communities and served as 2016 Colorado Master and slave.

 

Together they are founding members of the Leather Houses of Color Coalition and the Lighthouse BDSM Community Phone In.  slave luna is the co-director of MaST Denver Females chapter and Denver Metro Community Liaison  for the Hard Pink Sisterhood.

 

Master Seykou and slave luna look forward to connecting and sharing their Master/slave dynamic with others.

 

We started with a definition of authority exchange.  Master Seykou spoke about the difference between power exchange – where one person is handing over power to another, and therefore is diminished (as they no longer hold their own power) and authority transfer where both parties still hold their own power but one person surrenders authority to the other. 

 

One example luna gave was of driving in the car.  She said the rule is no cell phone use in the car.  She told me about picking up the phone without even thinking about it and Master Seykou saying put the phone down.. She said that when she got to the next traffic light, she picked the phone up again and he took the phone and threw it down in the well on his side of the car. 

 

Luna described having the power to pull over to the side of the road and curse Master Seykou out and pick up her phone as she pays the bill for the phone.  She said that she didn’t have the authority to do that because she has surrendered to Master Seykou and given him authority over her and it is his responsibility to keep them both safe.   

 

We spoke about consent and the differences between grooming and abusive relationships and those that are consent based.   We covered how relationships can have multiple levels, multiple dynamics at the same time: Being in a Master/slave dynamic and being married for example.

 

We covered scenes versus play and the amount of negotiation that goes on when you engage in each.  We spoke about the boring bits of authority transfer that include being told to do chores or to go to bed to rest – things that most people don’t consider to be sexy and yet these are the bedrock of our dynamics. 

 

We spoke about the relief in surrendering and that many people who choose to surrender are very powerful people in their daily lives and can be control freaks as well.  The desire to put down that responsibility can be extremely intense.

 

Today we talked about authority exchange, BDSM, M/s relationships 

If you experienced any triggers or have questions, please email me at [email protected] . 

 

You can find Master Seykou and slave luna:

https://thesunandhismoon.com

 

Facebook

https://facebook.com/thesunandhismoon/

 

Twitter

https://twitter.com/seykouandluna/

 

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/thesunandhismoon/

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter B.