The A to Z of Sex

We hope you enjoy this reboot of: Y is for Yes.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Y and why is for YES!!

People who are willing to say yes to live, love and sex are people who have happier and more satisfying relationships. People who say YES! take more and better risks. They are better able to ride the waves of life and love and to deal with the occasional drenching when the wave breaks over their heads. The glass of water is half full. When they fall, they dust themselves off and get back up again.

Today I’m joined by Melanie Gorman, who is the senior VP of Yourtango Experts. Yourtango is a major platform that provides advice in the form of blogs, articles, and videos to people who want help with love, relationships, sex and life. Experts join this platform and provide the blogs, articles, Q&A and videos to the public at large. A couple of the more well known experts include Dr John Gray and Esther Perel. Melanie is the moderator of the successful video programme The Experts. She is a Master’s level relationship therapist and a business and relationship coach. She co-developed a coaching program based on the work of Dr John Gray, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus for those of you not familiar with his name. From there she became the director of operations for the MarsVenus sites. She has been working with Yourtango since 2009, having started by helping their visionary team create the Expert’s Platform. She is now heading up all the expert’s programmes and the first in person YTExperts conference which will take place in NYC in April 2017.

Let’s talk about this concept of YES!. In my experience, it isn’t easy to move people from a ‘no’ life view to a YES one but it is so important for helping people create exciting and satisfying lives – lives lived out loud with few regrets. Melanie and I went on to talk about how saying ‘yes’ to life requires taking responsibility for your actions, learning resilience, being willing to fail and knowing that when you do – you learn for the future and the ability to dust yourself off and get back up again.

We spoke about how enriching this lifestyle is and how important it is for people to be willing to risk, especially if they do not have average desires, wishes and dreams. People who live alternative lifestyles don’t just ‘fall into’ the relationship for them. They have to be willing to risk and live out loud, being clear about their wants and needs.

We spoke about how for women, yes often means looking after others first and that this is not what we are talking about. We are talking about figuring out your own heart’s desire and then saying yes to that which sometimes means putting yourself first.

We spoke about how choosing yes means going to your final rest having lived your life fully, with few regrets.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to http://www.atozofsex.com (www.atozofsex.com) and click on the button that says ‘book now’. Please join me next week when the letter will be Z.

We hope you enjoy this reboot of: Y is for Yes.

 

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Y and why is for YES!!

People who are willing to say yes to live, love and sex are people who have happier and more satisfying relationships. People who say YES! take more and better risks. They are better able to ride the waves of life and love and to deal with the occasional drenching when the wave breaks over their heads. The glass of water is half full. When they fall, they dust themselves off and get back up again.

Today I’m joined by Melanie Gorman, who is the senior VP of Yourtango Experts. Yourtango is a major platform that provides advice in the form of blogs, articles, and videos to people who want help with love, relationships, sex and life. Experts join this platform and provide the blogs, articles, Q&A and videos to the public at large. A couple of the more well known experts include Dr John Gray and Esther Perel. Melanie is the moderator of the successful video programme The Experts. She is a Master’s level relationship therapist and a business and relationship coach. She co-developed a coaching program based on the work of Dr John Gray, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus for those of you not familiar with his name. From there she became the director of operations for the MarsVenus sites. She has been working with Yourtango since 2009, having started by helping their visionary team create the Expert’s Platform. She is now heading up all the expert’s programmes and the first in person YTExperts conference which will take place in NYC in April 2017.

Let’s talk about this concept of YES!. In my experience, it isn’t easy to move people from a ‘no’ life view to a YES one but it is so important for helping people create exciting and satisfying lives – lives lived out loud with few regrets. Melanie and I went on to talk about how saying ‘yes’ to life requires taking responsibility for your actions, learning resilience, being willing to fail and knowing that when you do – you learn for the future and the ability to dust yourself off and get back up again. 

We spoke about how enriching this lifestyle is and how important it is for people to be willing to risk, especially if they do not have average desires, wishes and dreams. People who live alternative lifestyles don’t just ‘fall into’ the relationship for them. They have to be willing to risk and live out loud, being clear about their wants and needs. 

We spoke about how for women, yes often means looking after others first and that this is not what we are talking about. We are talking about figuring out your own heart’s desire and then saying yes to that which sometimes means putting yourself first.

We spoke about how choosing yes means going to your final rest having lived your life fully, with few regrets.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.  Please join me next week when the letter will be Z.

Dr Bisbey is ill with the flu, so please enjoy this reboot of: W is for Whore

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is W and W is for Whores.

At present, the word whore refers both to a sex worker and is the most popular insult to hurl at a woman who is too independent, taking too much charge of her sexuality and her life.

This week I am happy to be joined by and expert on the history of the term whore, and whores and sex workers themselves. Dr. Kate Lister is a researcher at Leeds Trinity University in historical attitudes to sexuality and sex work. She has published on the history of media narratives around sex work, the history of menstruation and sexual violence in historical dramas. She is the curator of the online research project whoresofyore.com which archives the work of sex workers, activists, academics and artists, and bring the message of sexual positivity to an even wider audience. The project has over 95,000 followers on Twitter.

Kate is on the board of the international sex work research hub, is a columnist for the independent and has worked as a historical consultant for Channel Five's upcoming "My Sexual Fantasy".

We started by talking about the history of the word whore and then the history of the word cunt. Kate told us that cunt is the oldest word and that in the middle ages, this was the word for female genitalia. She also highlighted that entomylogically, vagina means sheath. So the word we now use for our genitals means sheath.

We spoke about the use of the word cunt in the UK and how in Scotland it can be used casually with a man calling another man a ‘wee cunt’. She said that it is still considered the strongest insult and is on a par with the ‘N’ word. We looked at the comparison – that one word highlights some of the biggest atrocities that have been done to human beings and the other word is the word for female genitalia and we wondered how it was that these became comparable and that we view female genitalia with such shame and disgust.

We spoke about how sex workers view the word whore and whether it is even appropriate for non-sex workers to use the word. Kate talked about the more general use of the word whore meaning she who desires which was the original meaning that was proposed. She said the word is ancient.

We spoke about the wide variety of sex workers and the fact that women use sex workers often as well. Kate spoke about going for a tantric yoni massage and that the experience was extremely profound. She recommends this to all women to have the opportunity to step out of sexual scripts and just receive. We spoke about how rare it is to have a safe space in which women are not expected to perform (and that men also have scripts) and to have a space where you are only expected to receive. We spoke about how petrifying this can be but how cathartic the experience can be as well.

If you want to find Dr Kate Lister, follow her on twitter @whoresofyore

Or the website:

Whoresofyore.com

Kate also mentioned that there is a section on the website for people to share their sexual experiences and have their sexual voice heard. She said you can be completely anonymous and that there is editing available if you have concerns about your spelling and grammar.

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! See you next week when the

Dr Bisbey is ill with the flu, so please enjoy this reboot of: W is for Whore

 

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is W and W is for Whores.

 

At present, the word whore refers both to a sex worker and is the most popular insult to hurl at a woman who is too independent, taking too much charge of her sexuality and her life. 

 

This week I am happy to be joined by and expert on the history of the term whore, and whores and sex workers themselves.  Dr. Kate Lister is a researcher at Leeds Trinity University in historical attitudes to sexuality and sex work. She has published on the history of media narratives around sex work, the history of menstruation and sexual violence in historical dramas. She is the curator of the online research project whoresofyore.com which archives the work of sex workers, activists, academics and artists, and bring the message of sexual positivity to an even wider audience. The project has over 95,000 followers on Twitter. 

 

Kate is on the board of the international sex work research hub, is a columnist for the   independent and has worked as a historical consultant for Channel Five's upcoming "My Sexual Fantasy". 

 

We started by talking about the history of the word whore and then the history of the word cunt.  Kate told us that cunt is the oldest word and that in the middle ages, this was the word for female genitalia.  She also highlighted that entomylogically, vagina means sheath.  So the word we now use for our genitals means sheath.

 

We spoke about the use of the word cunt in the UK and how in Scotland it can be used casually with a man calling another man a ‘wee cunt’.  She said that it is still considered the strongest insult and is on a par with the ‘N’ word.  We looked at the comparison – that one word highlights some of the biggest atrocities that have been done to human beings and the other word is the word for female genitalia and we wondered how it was that these became comparable and that we view female genitalia with such shame and disgust. 

 

We spoke about how sex workers view the word whore and whether it is even appropriate for non-sex workers to use the word.  Kate talked about the more general use of the word whore meaning she who desires which was the original meaning that was proposed.  She said the word is ancient.   

 

We spoke about the wide variety of sex workers and the fact that women use sex workers often as well.  Kate spoke about going for a tantric yoni massage and that the experience was extremely profound.  She recommends this to all women to have the opportunity to step out of sexual scripts and just receive.  We spoke about how rare it is to have a safe space in which women are not expected to perform (and that men also have scripts) and to have a space where you are only expected to receive.  We spoke about how petrifying this can be but how cathartic the experience can be as well. 

 

If you want to find Dr Kate Lister, follow her on twitter @whoresofyore

Or the website:

Whoresofyore.com

Kate also mentioned that there is a section on the website for people to share their sexual experiences and have their sexual voice heard.  She said you can be completely anonymous and that there is editing available if you have concerns about your spelling and grammar.

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! See you next week when the letter will be X. 

V is for Vulva

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is V and V is for Vulva.

Vulva comes from the Latin and means wrapping or outer covering. Fittingly, vulva is the word for the external female sex organs. Many people improperly refer to this as the vagina but the vagina is actually the internal canal.

The vulva actually includes many parts. Vulva includes the mons which is the external mound. It includes labia majora and minora – both sets of lips. It includes the clitoris and the vestibular bulbs which are the bulbs of the clitoris. Finally there are some glands in the area that are included as well as pubic hair (when there is any).

In many cultures, shame remains around the vulva. So much so that many women are embarrassed as to how they look and undertake surgery to change the shape and look of the vulva. Vulvas come in many shapes and sizes with many configurations. Normal is really equally to heathy when we talk about vulvas rather than size or shape. Despite this, many women feel incredibly uncomfortable looking at their own anatomy and so have a warped idea as to whether they are normal or not. Given that in the west, the medical terminology used is pudenda membra which literally means ‘parts to be ashamed of’, it is no wonder that women find it hard to think about their vulva without shame.

In other cultures, the vulva has been and still is, worshipped as a symbol of the goddess. In the Hindu religion, the vulva continues to be revered.

In Eastern and Southern Africa, labia stretching is practiced and it is believed to bring greater sexual satisfaction to both partners. In some cultures, removal of pubic hair is seen as most attractive or necessary for hygiene.

Some people enjoy a variety of genital piercings for enjoyment. Some piercings can cause lots of enjoyment as the nerves are stimulated by the piercing as well.

Why is it important to distinguish between vagina and vulva? Knowing the right terms for body parts enables women to take full ownership of their bodies. If we don’t know the right terms, how do we express ourselves clearly with partners and our doctors? It is essential to remember that many people need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm and the clitoris is part of the vulva but not of the vagina.

Let’s talk a bit about vulvar pain. Pain can include burning, stinging, itching, stabbing and throbbing. It can include rawness and irritation, problems with pressure. Pain can be in one spot or come and go. Sometimes it arises on it’s own and other times as a result of touch including: sexual activity, insertion of a tampon, rubbing from tight or form fitting clothing, sitting and even walking.

Causes of pain include: Infections: Yeast and bacterial are most common and the pain can range from mild itching to severe throbbing and burning. Herpes can also cause severe pain and itching.

Pain can also be caused by damage to nerve endings which can happen in childbirth, sexual activity or by riding a bicycle or a horse. Menopause can also cause swelling, inflammation, dryness and discomfort.

There is lots of treatment available for various of these conditions. You have to feel comfortable talking with your doctor about any discomfort or pain that you have in and around your vulva. For some women, tightness and chronic pain are an issue and physical therapy and sexual therapy can be extremely helpful. Biofeedback has been used for vulvar pain to teach women to control the body’s response to pain triggers and also how to relax the pelvic floor.

Topical anaesthetics can be applied about 30 minutes before sexual activity will make the sore area

V is for Vulva

 

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is V and V is for Vulva.

 

Vulva comes from the Latin and means wrapping or outer covering.  Fittingly, vulva is the word for the external female sex organs.  Many people improperly refer to this as the vagina but the vagina is actually the internal canal.

 

The vulva actually includes many parts.   Vulva includes the mons which is the external mound.  It includes labia majora and minora – both sets of lips.   It includes the clitoris and the vestibular bulbs which are the bulbs of the clitoris.    Finally there are some glands in the area that are included as well as pubic hair (when there is any).

 

In many cultures, shame remains around the vulva.  So much so that many women are embarrassed as to how they look and undertake surgery to change the shape and look of the vulva.  Vulvas come in many shapes and sizes with many configurations.  Normal is really equally to heathy when we talk about vulvas rather than size or shape.  Despite this, many women feel incredibly uncomfortable looking at their own anatomy and so have a warped idea as to whether they are normal or not.  Given that in the west, the medical terminology used is pudenda membra which literally means ‘parts to be ashamed of’, it is no wonder that women find it hard to think about their vulva without shame.

 

In other cultures, the vulva has been and still is, worshipped as a symbol of the goddess.  In the Hindu religion, the vulva continues to be revered.

 

In Eastern and Southern Africa, labia stretching is practiced and it is believed to bring greater sexual satisfaction to both partners.   In some cultures, removal of pubic hair is seen as most attractive or necessary for hygiene.

 

Some people enjoy a variety of genital piercings for enjoyment. Some piercings can cause lots of enjoyment as the nerves are stimulated by the piercing as well.

 

Why is it important to distinguish between vagina and vulva?  Knowing the right terms for body parts enables women to take full ownership of their bodies.   If we don’t know the right terms, how do we express ourselves clearly with partners and our doctors?   It is essential to remember that many people need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm and the clitoris is part of the vulva but not of the vagina.

 

Let’s talk a bit  about vulvar pain.  Pain can include burning, stinging, itching, stabbing and throbbing.  It can include rawness and irritation, problems with pressure.    Pain can be in one spot or come and go.   Sometimes it arises on it’s own and other times as a result of touch including: sexual activity, insertion of a tampon, rubbing from tight or form fitting clothing, sitting and even walking.

 

Causes of pain include: Infections:  Yeast and bacterial are most common and the pain can range from mild itching to severe throbbing and burning.  Herpes can also cause severe pain and itching.   

 

Pain can also be caused by damage to nerve endings which can happen in childbirth, sexual activity or by riding a bicycle or a horse.  Menopause can also cause swelling, inflammation, dryness and discomfort.

 

There is lots of treatment available for various of these conditions.  You have to feel comfortable talking with your doctor about any discomfort or pain that you have in and around your vulva.  For some women, tightness and chronic pain are an issue and physical therapy and sexual therapy can be extremely helpful.  Biofeedback has been used for vulvar pain to teach women to control the body’s response to pain triggers and also how to relax the pelvic floor.

 

Topical anaesthetics can be applied about 30 minutes before sexual activity will make the sore area numb so that pain is not experienced.  Of course if you cannot figure out where the pain is coming from or the whole area is painful, this will not work.

 

Pelvic floor therapy can help to relax the pelvis and relieve pain and tension.

Nerve blocks can be effective for someone who has so much pain that it is interfering with daily life. 

 

It’s also useful to consider avoiding fragranced products around the vulvar area.  Some women develop allergies that lead to itching and pain.   

 

When pain is not from a specific cause and it has lasted more than three months, it is considered vulvodynia. 

 

The advice about vulvar pain and itching in menopause can be conflicting.  Sources are clear that the drop in oestrogen causes the changes in the vulva.  Some suggest that dryness is the main cause and suggest lots of lubrication during sexual activity but also on a daily basis.    

 

Pain can be caused by shrinkage in the tissues and less flexibility.  This will not resolve with lubrication.  This can resolve by careful stretches, work on pelvic floor muscles for relaxation.  Gentle sex can help over time but if it is too painful to endure any kind of penetration, alternatives to penetrative sex need to be built into your sexual life if they are not already present.

 

In parts of Africa and the Middle East, female genital mutilation is performed.  One form of FGM is a clitoridectomy which is partial or total removal of the clitoris.  A second form involves the partial or total removal of the clitoris and the labia minora.  The third form is infibulation which involves narrowing the vaginal opening.  This is done by cutting and repositioning the inner or outer labia and often also involves removal of the clitoris.  These procedures are often not done medically and have a wide variety of devastating effects including haemorrhage and sepsis which can lead to death.  Long term women can become infertile or find that labour is incredibly difficult or suffer from fistula and other conditions.

 

FGM is used to curb sexual desire in these cultures though it is acknowledged that even doing this does not always eliminate sexual desire.  Many communities have a specific time during the year when girls who have reached the age undergo these rituals which they are told transform them into women and prepare them for marriage.

 

Labiaplasty and other forms of cosmetic surgery have become far more popular in the past 10 years.  Though many people see this as extremely different from FGM, in fact there are some similarities. 

 

The biggest difference is that FGM is non-consensual – usually performed on girls who are too young to consent and cosmetic surgery is performed on adults who give informed consent.  Modern surgery is also done safely in a sterile environment where as FGM is usually not done this way.

 

The similarity is that they are both the result of cultural pressure about how female genitalia should look, operate, feel.  There is lots of social pressure to undergo surgery that is similar to the social pressure for FGM. 

 

Surgery in the west is done to improve sexual desirability.  The norms being sought are entirely cultural.   Often the possible complications are not considered.  The area is rich with nerves and there is a risk of nerve damage.  It is a small risk but having no feeling in that area can cause significant ongoing upset. 

 

Angie wrote in and said ‘My partner and I watch lots of pornography together and we enjoy it very much.  Recently I have become worried about the way my vulva looks as all the actresses seem to have a much tidier look to their lady parts.   Should I consider surgery?’ 

 

Thanks for writing in Angie.  As I said earlier, there is no one normal size or shape for a vulva.    If you are concerned that your partner is finding you less attractive because of your size and shape, have a full and frank conversation with them before even considering undergoing a surgical procedure.    There are always risks with surgery including ones to do infection, nerve damage, anaesthesia reaction, and slow healing. 

 

If you are unable to increase your confidence by talking with your partner and exploring this area with a coach, then carefully consider all the pros and cons of surgery.  Sometimes people rely on surgery as the cure to feeling unattractive or a lack of self-confidence.  In my experience, surgery on its own  rarely resolves these issues so think carefully and take advice before undergoing surgery.

 

Robin wrote in ‘I am 60 years old and sex now hurts.  I have tried all sorts of creams, ointments, lubes but nothing has worked.  What can you advise?’ 

 

Thanks for writing in Robin.  Painful sex can arise for a variety of reasons.  You didn’t say how long your problem has been going on.  If you have been having painful sex for more than a month, it would be worthwhile to have an appointment with your doctor to try to diagnose what is causing the painful sex.    There are a variety of treatments available that can help a lot depending upon the cause of the pain. 

 

If talking to the doctor feels embarrassing,  take a deep breath and focus on the problem.  Your doctor has heard many different problems and should treat you with respect and care.   

 

As for self-help, consider engaging in non-penetrative sex and see if that is less painful. 

 

 

Leo wrote in and said ‘My girlfriend gets embarrassed when I stroke her vulva and all the parts of her vulva.  She always seems to want to quickly move me on to penetration.   Is there anyway I can slow her down?’ 

 

Thanks for writing in Leo.   First talk with your girlfriend about her embarrassment.  Reassure her that you find all of her exciting.  Make sure that the reason that she is moving you away isn’t that your touch is feeling painful, or tickling and not in a good way.  Once she agrees, start slowly and ask what feels good and what does not.  You might even ask her to show you how she touches herself.    If you show her how much you want to please her and how much you enjoy her, you are likely to be successful.

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter W. 

I appologise for the late release, I am not sure what happened. We have another reboot for you to enjoy: U is for Ursusagalmatophilia.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is U and U is for Ursusgalmatophilia

Ursusgalmatophilia is primarily a fetish for teddy bears. It is also the formal name for a fetish for all plushies and a fetish for dressing up as animals. So it is the formal name for Furries.

I know many of you may be thinking that teddy bears and sex don’t belong in the same sentence. However, more people than you think have teddy bears as part of their sexual lives. For some, the connection is made when they are very young and cuddle a teddy bear while discovering masturbation. Remember that self-pleasure begins around the age of two and that one of the main functions of pleasure prior to puberty is to give comfort when upset or frightened. Who better than your best teddy to help with the job? Many young girls learn to masturbate by rubbing against their stuffies.

Most people don’t have a primary fetish for teddy bears so would not be properly classified as ursusgalmatophiles. The teddy bear may feature in their sexual life but isn’t essential to it.

However, there are some people for whom this is a central focus for their sexual activity. In 2010, Charles Marshall was arrested for having sex with a teddy bear in public for the fourth time. It was unclear if exhibitionism was part of his thrill as he did engage in these acts in public.

For some, the teddy bear or other stuffed animal is part of getting in touch with their inner child and becomes part of age play. Age play is often a controversial fetish as there are extremely strong taboos around childhood sexuality and any form of incest. In age play, a person enjoys roleplay in which they are a younger age. It usually divides into four categories: adult baby (which usually covers to toddler), little (up to 9 or so), middle (9 – 12) and teen. Many littles and middles (and some teens) enjoy stuffed animals and sometimes these become part of their sexual play. For more on littles, listen out for A is for Age play at the beginning of the next series of this podcast.

A more common form of this fetish is people who are sexually aroused by dressing up as animals or by fictional furry characters. These folks are more commonly known as furries. These people often dress up as fictional characters (like bugs bunny for example) and role play is an integral part of their interaction. Many have favourite animals (like bears, wolves, puppies) and dress in full costumes, roleplaying the animal. Lifestylers profess a deep emotional and spiritual connection with the animal they dress/roleplay as. Animals can be real, fictional or symbolic (dragons and unicorns are popular). Sexual activities that are part of the lifestyle often include erotica and furry themed cybersex.

Not all of the community has sexual interest in the furries that they role play. In 2011, a survey was done with 7000 participants. They categorised 4338 of the respondents as furries. There were 170 questions in this study. The average age of furries in the study was 23. 54% of the participants were between 18 and 21 years old. The survey had respondents from all over the world. The vast majority of the respondents were male (84%). A small percentage of the people in the study actually feel that they are not 100% human. 1/3 of the respondents said that sexual attraction is an essential part of their furry activities.

Furries are often anthropomorphised animals. This means that the animals act in ways that are human – like. For example, they walk on 2 feet. Inclusion and...

I appologise for the late release, I am not sure what happened. We have another reboot for you to enjoy: U is for Ursusagalmatophilia.

 

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is U and U is for Ursusgalmatophilia 

Ursusgalmatophilia is primarily a fetish for teddy bears.  It is also the formal name for a fetish for all plushies and a fetish for dressing up as animals.  So it is the formal name for Furries.

I know many of you may be thinking that teddy bears and sex don’t belong in the same sentence.   However, more people than you think have teddy bears as part of their sexual lives.   For some, the connection is made when they are very young and cuddle a teddy bear while discovering masturbation.   Remember that self-pleasure begins around the age of two and that one of the main functions of pleasure prior to puberty is to give comfort when upset or frightened.  Who better than your best teddy to help with the job?  Many young girls learn to masturbate by rubbing against their stuffies. 

Most people don’t have a primary fetish for teddy bears so would not be properly classified as ursusgalmatophiles.    The teddy bear may feature in their sexual life but isn’t essential to it. 

However, there are some people for whom this is a central focus for their sexual activity.    In 2010, Charles Marshall was arrested for having sex with a teddy bear in public for the fourth time.  It was unclear if exhibitionism was part of his thrill as he did engage in these acts in public. 

For some, the teddy bear or other stuffed animal is part of getting in touch with their inner child and becomes part of age play.  Age play is often a controversial fetish as there are extremely strong taboos around childhood sexuality and any form of incest.  In age play, a person enjoys roleplay in which they are a younger age.  It usually divides into four categories: adult baby (which usually covers to toddler), little (up to 9 or so), middle (9 – 12) and teen.    Many littles and middles (and some teens) enjoy stuffed animals and sometimes these become part of their sexual play.    For more on littles, listen out for A is for Age play at the beginning of the next series of this podcast.

A more common form of this fetish is people who are sexually aroused by dressing up as animals or by fictional furry characters.  These folks are more commonly known as furries.   These people often dress up as fictional characters (like bugs bunny for example) and role play is an integral part of their interaction.  Many have favourite animals (like bears, wolves, puppies) and dress in full costumes, roleplaying the animal.  Lifestylers profess a deep emotional and spiritual connection with the animal they dress/roleplay as.  Animals can be real, fictional or symbolic (dragons and unicorns are popular).   Sexual activities that are part of the lifestyle often include erotica and furry themed cybersex.

Not all of the community has sexual interest in the furries that they role play.  In 2011, a survey was done with 7000 participants.  They categorised 4338 of the respondents as furries.  There were 170 questions in this study.  The average age of furries in the study was 23. 54% of the participants were between 18 and 21 years old.  The survey had respondents from all over the world.    The vast majority of the respondents were male (84%).  A small percentage of the people in the study actually feel that they are not 100% human.   1/3 of the respondents said that sexual attraction is an essential part of their furry activities.

Furries are often anthropomorphised animals.  This means that the animals act in ways that are human – like.  For example, they walk on 2 feet.    Inclusion and belonging are central themes for lots of the people who identify as part of the furry lifestyle.      

Some furries are also plushies (sexually attracted to stuffed animals) and others are not.  Many find scratching (grooming each other) and fur piles (where they are all lying on top of each other affectionately – rather than sexually) the most satisfying activities.    Lots of furries resemble the animal they identify with.    Some are clear that being a furry is about an identity not about sex. 

Many are fans of various animated characters – like Tony the Tiger, Bugs Bunny, Mickey Mouse and the fandom has been compared to Star Trek fans.    They are fans of stories and media that includes anthropomorphic animals.   As I said above, there are many more biological males.  The community is actually 7 times more likely than the general populate to identify as transgender.  It is said in some circles that the community is an extremely welcoming community and an inclusive one.   However, in the few years, there have been outlier groups who are alt right and promote violence and fascism.    The leader of the main group The Raiders gave himself the hashtag this year #altfurry.

There are others who tap into real animal energies as opposed to stuffed animal or anthropomorphised animal energies.  They include primal players who allow themselves to contact their animal natures when involved in sex and sexual play.  Many of these are part of the BDSM and/or kink communities.  There is often lots of biting, scratching and little human speech during this type of sex or play.    There are also people a fetish for sex with actual animals.  This is a much smaller group of people.  Sex with animals is illegal in most jurisdictions primarily because animals cannot give consent.

The humble teddy bear finds his way into far more sexual scenarios than you may have considered in the past.  Who knew he was so naughty?

Jenny wrote in:  ‘I have always slept with a teddy bear.  When I was young, I masturbated by pressing my pussy against the bear.  I don’t do this anymore as I now have far better tools to help me get myself off.  But I still find fur (real and artificial) erotic.  Is there something wrong with me? ‘

Jenny there is nothing wrong with you.  You have brought this sensual and sexual set of memories with you from your childhood.  This is very common.  Many fetishes are developed from roots in childhood.  Your desires cause no one any harm but your shame around this can cause you to have trouble with orgasm and trouble fully enjoying your sexual life.     I would suggest you spend some time working on releasing that shame and fully accepting all your sexual feelings.  If you find this difficult to do on your own, you may benefit from some coaching sessions.  If you want to bring some your appreciation for fur forward into your sexual life, consider using fur for a sensual massage or to stroke a partner.

 Martina wrote in to say ‘I have always used a stuffed toy for masturbation and I cannot seem to get off any other way.  Please help.’  It can be really hard to change the way you masturbate and the way in which you reach orgasm, particularly if it has been in place since childhood.  You can begin to introduce your fingers or a vibrator or dildo into your self-pleasuring session just before orgasm begins which may help you begin to move from the stuffed toy to your fingers, vibrator or dildo.  Start by using your fingers in addition to the toy and slowly move the toy away at the point of orgasm.  Once you can reach orgasm with only your fingers at the end of your self-pleasuring session, introduce your fingers (vibrator, dildo) a little earlier in the session.  Each time you have success, introduce your fingers (vibrator, dildo) earlier still until you start the session without the toy.  This may take quite a long time but if you persist you should be able to vary your masturbation routine.

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! See you next week when the letter will be V and V is for Vagina.

 

T is for Tattoo.

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is T and T is for Tattoo and Scarification Trigger warning: I am going to talk about branding later in the show.

The word tattoo comes from the Tahitian ‘tatu’ which means ‘to mark something’. Tattooing has existed since Neolithic times. We know this because of the ancient art that has been discovered, mummified – yes mummified skin, and the archeological record. In fact even older tattoo tools and art has been found which suggests tattooing started in the upper paleolithic time in Europe but we don’t have the evidence on skin until the 4th millennium (4000) BC. Ötzi the Iceman (dated between 3370 and 3100 BC) is the oldest example of tattooing on mummified skin.

Tattooed mummies have been recovered from at least another 49 sites throughout the world. Locations include: Alaska, Greenland, Siberia, China, Mongolia, Philippines, Egypt, Sudan, the Andes.

Tattooing has been used to identify criminals and describe their crimes in a number of cultures including Chinese, Greek and Roman. Tattooing by the Nazis was done as a means of humiliating, dehumanising and identifying the Jews, homosexuals and Gypsies sent to the death camps. Tattooing has been used for religious and spiritual reasons in tribal cultures, Hindu, Egypt, Syria, Japan (including the native Aïnu people), Copts, Thailand, Celts.

Many people from modern spiritual subcultures (pagan, western magicians for example) tattoo for spiritual purposes as well.

All tattooing is painful. Some more painful than others. For many cultures, tattooing was, and still is, a rite of passage rather than just marking a rite of passage. In a variety of cultures, large tattoos marked the move from adolescence to adulthood. In modern culture, many people now observe this tradition and tattoo to mark rites of passage and honour ancestors.

So what does tattooing have to do with sex you ask? Lots!

Ask any person who has been tattooed for more than 15 or 20 minutes, and you will be told that at some point in the painful process, they began to feel high. Endorphins and adrenalin are released when a person is being tattooed. For people who are masochistic (gain pleasure from some types of pain), this high can also include sexual arousal.

Tattoos are used in some parts of the BDSM subculture as marks of ownership. Submissives or slaves may be tattooed with the mark of their dominants or masters.

Research done by at a university in Poland in 2017 surveyed 2369 women and 215 men. They showed them images of tattooed and non-tattooed men to figure out whether people found tattoos more attractive. They discovered that tattoos didn’t increase attractiveness for the women but women did see the tattooed men as more dominant, and masculine. For the men, tattoos did increase attractiveness.

Tattoos have become more mainstream since the 1990s and now many people see them as sexy. There is lots of variation as to how many tattoos and where they are placed. Women are still more negatively judged than men with tattoos, but mainstream culture has grown to embrace tattoos. There is still a stereotype that suggests tattooed women are more promiscuous so men are more likely to approach them for sex.

In sexual subcultures, tattoos are more appreciated. Beauty is defined differently than in the mainstream culture and this is where tattoos really shine when it comes to attracting positive sexual attention.

Women who have tattoos are seen to be more creative which suggests the possibility of creativity with sex. You have to be able to withstand pain in order to be tattooed. And those who have multiple...

T is for Tattoo.

 

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is T and T is for Tattoo and Scarification    Trigger warning: I am going to talk about branding later in the show.

 

The word tattoo comes from the Tahitian ‘tatu’ which means ‘to mark something’.  Tattooing has existed since Neolithic times.  We know this because of the ancient art that has been discovered, mummified – yes mummified skin, and the archeological record.  In fact even older tattoo tools and art has been found which suggests tattooing started in the upper paleolithic time in Europe but we don’t have the evidence on skin until the 4th millennium (4000) BC.  Ötzi the Iceman (dated between 3370 and 3100 BC) is the oldest example of tattooing on mummified skin. 

 

Tattooed mummies have been recovered from at least another 49 sites throughout the world.  Locations include: Alaska, Greenland, Siberia, China, Mongolia, Philippines, Egypt, Sudan, the Andes.

 

Tattooing has been used to identify criminals and describe their crimes in a number of cultures including Chinese, Greek and Roman.   Tattooing by the Nazis was done as a means of humiliating, dehumanising and identifying the Jews, homosexuals and Gypsies sent to the death camps. Tattooing has been used for religious and spiritual reasons in tribal cultures, Hindu, Egypt, Syria, Japan (including the native Aïnu people), Copts, Thailand, Celts.  

 

Many people from modern spiritual subcultures (pagan, western magicians for example) tattoo for spiritual purposes as well.

 

All tattooing is painful.  Some more painful than others.  For many cultures, tattooing was, and still is, a rite of passage rather than just marking a rite of passage.  In a variety of cultures, large tattoos marked the move from adolescence to adulthood.    In modern culture, many people now observe this tradition and tattoo to mark rites of passage and honour ancestors.

 

So what does tattooing have to do with sex you ask?  Lots!

 

Ask any person who has been tattooed for more than 15 or 20 minutes, and you will be told that at some point in the painful process, they began to feel high.  Endorphins and adrenalin are released when a person is being tattooed.  For people who are masochistic (gain pleasure from some types of pain), this high can also include sexual arousal. 

 

Tattoos are used in some parts of the BDSM subculture as marks of ownership.  Submissives or slaves may be tattooed with the mark of their dominants or masters. 

 

Research done by at a university in Poland in 2017 surveyed 2369 women and 215 men. They showed them images of tattooed and non-tattooed men to figure out whether people found tattoos more attractive.  They discovered that tattoos didn’t increase attractiveness for the women but women did see the tattooed men as more dominant, and masculine.  For the men, tattoos did increase attractiveness.

 

Tattoos have become more mainstream since the 1990s and now many people see them as sexy.  There is lots of variation as to how many tattoos and where they are placed.  Women are still more negatively judged than men with tattoos, but mainstream culture has grown to embrace tattoos. There is still a stereotype that suggests tattooed women are more promiscuous so men are more likely to approach them for sex.

 

In sexual subcultures, tattoos are more appreciated.  Beauty is defined differently than in the mainstream culture and this is where tattoos really shine when it comes to attracting positive sexual attention.

 

Women who have tattoos are seen to be more creative which suggests the possibility of creativity with sex.  You have to be able to withstand pain in order to be tattooed.  And those who have multiple tattoos probably enjoy a bit of pain rather than just withstanding it.  This can translate to enjoying some mild to seriously rough sex.  

 

Research in 2012 published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found people with tattoos to be more sexually open than their non-inked peers. 

 

People who have multiple tattoos also think a lot about their decisions  - not just about tattooing but in other areas of their lives.    When you take time to make decisions, you have far fewer regrets.  So even if a sexual relationship doesn’t work out, you are more likely to (eventually) view it as neutral, a learning experience or even positively.

 

Turner (1980) noted ‘The skin and the hair are the concrete boundary between the self and the other, the individual and society’.  So expressing yourself via your skin (and hair) can be seen as bringing our thoughts, feelings and desires and placing them on view for others to see.  We do this with makeup, hair colours and styles, clothing, accessories as well.   The difference with tattooing is that it is a permanent statement and therefore often a much more personal statement.   There is a lot of research highlighting that people from various cultures use tattooing to display true and authentic self – though to those outside the culture or cultural subgroup, the meaning may be obscure.

 

In some tribal cultures, tattooing was seen as distinctly sexual and the location of tattoos (in the mouth, on the genitals) obviously sexual though the interpretation more complex.   These tattoos became eroticised.  In the BDSM community and in the primal subculture of that community, temporary piercing, and tattooing is often incorporated into sexual scenes.  There are some artists who are happy to have a partner attend the tattooing and either politely ignore or are incorporated into the scene.  One British artist told me that it was not unusual for women in particular to have orgasms when he was tattooing on thighs and labia in spite of the pain.   He said that it turned him on to be able to cause an orgasm in this way but that he didn’t make any assumptions about what this meant.  He was clear that he did nothing but tattoo but did say that he had been propositioned more than a few times by women he was tattooing. 

 

In addition to tattooing, people have decorative cuttings, cell popping and temporary branding done during sexual scenes.  This is far more popular as part of a BDSM scene, though it is very edgy.  Cell popping is done with a very hot probe touched to an individual pore and it causes a burn.  This goes on pore by pore until the design is created.   Cell popping is a form of scarification tattooing.  This type of tattooing creates scars rather than using ink and is also thousands and thousands of years old.  Though some of these are seen as temporary for many people, cuttings and popping will last so make sure you are happy to have whatever you are putting on your skin be there forever. 

 

Branding is not for the faint of heart.  It can be incredibly painful.  A number of methods are used. Strike branding which is using heated metal that is pressed into the skin.  This doesn’t often heal into a clean mark so it is not preferred.   Cautery branding is related to the tool used for cell popping.  Laser branding allows for more precision and for the person to regulate the damage done to the tissues surrounding the brand so it creates a much cleaner design.  Cold branding is done with a metal tool that has been cooled using liquid nitrogen.  The advantage is that this doesn’t cause keloid scarring.

 

Cutting is done in a variety of ways as well.  There is ink rubbing which is as it sounds.  Tattoo ink is rubbed into the cuts.  Skin removal is when lines of skin are literally cut and removed.  Usually a sterile scalpel is used.

 

With all of these, after care is extremely important.  Where ever you are causing breaks in the skin, infection is a possibility.  In order to avoid infection, tools used need to be sterile.  Area needs to be as sterile as possible.  The area needs to be kept clean afterwards throughout the whole healing process.  Follow the instructions given by the person who is doing your tattoo, cutting, cell popping or branding. 

 

All of these things take experience.  Use common sense and don’t let just anyone do any of these things to your body.  I do not recommend engaging in any of these activities at a BDSM or Kink event unless you know the history and experience of the practitioner.  Recognise that doing anything that breaks your skin or damages your skin is an infection risk and own that risk.  Do what you can to lower the risk.

 

Take your time and don’t be pressured into anything.  Negotiation for cuttings, brands, cell popping, tattoos, in fact anything that will cause a permanent mark, should be done in a neutral space BEFORE the scene and never when you have already been involved in a scene as if you are in an altered state, you might agree to something you regret later.

 

Even if you believe this is a permanent relationship, my advice is that you never put someone else’s name on your body.  Even initials are questionable.  These days tattoo cover ups can be superb but it is best not to have to deal with cover ups if possible.  Tattoo removal leaves scarring so it is not a perfect removal.

 

Finally, if you are in the Los Angeles area, Lantz Huston, owner of Shoebox Tattoo  is a fantastic artist.  He is worth travelling to see.

 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter U.