The A to Z of Sex

M is for Monogamy

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. This episode comes out on 1 January 2018. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is M and M is for Monogamy.

The Ethnographic Atlas Codebook classifies 84.6% cultures as polygynous (1 husband multiple wives), 15.1% classified as monogamous and .3% as polyandrous (1 wife, multiple husbands). Monogamy is a minority life choice when you look at world cultures. When we look at human evolution, hunter gatherer and tribal societies historically practiced forms of polyamory. So how did monogamy become the preference and even the only legal form of romantic relationship in western society?

Some of this may be due to the spread of Christianity. However, the most agreed upon explanation is that people who were anti-polygyny had larger and stronger armies. Monogamous groups grow larger because more men have wives within the group so they don’t have to leave to find wives in another group. Scheidel (2009) talks about monogamy in Greco-Roman times and says that monogamy was socially imposed and this allowed men of lower status to marry. In fact, these men were offered the possibility of wives in exchange for military service and taxes.

Monogamy and non-monogamy have pros and cons. Some people are better suited to one form of relationship style than the other. Often people don’t choose a particular style but simply absorb what is expected of them based on their family upbringing and cultures.

Pros of Monogamy:

Sex improves over time.

If you spend time and attention on your relationship, sex can improve the longer you know each other. There is nothing like sex with someone who knows every inch of you and all of the things that make you scream.

Intimacy of all types can be deeper.

There is a deeper intimacy that is born out of sharing with someone for a

long time. This comes from coping with difficult times, living through

trauma together, experiencing joy together, sharing each other’s

achievements. The level of emotional connection becomes more

intense over time and interaction. Higher levels of emotional intimacy

are associated with higher self-esteem, lower levels of stress, higher

levels of happiness.

Higher degree of emotional security.

If you choose monogamy and both you and your partner are faithful to your vows, you have a higher degree of emotional security. You know that your partner will have your back no matter what. You have a true partner – someone to rely on, someone who will place your well-being high up on their priority list.

More physical security

Two working together are often able to create more physical security. Two incomes make sorting out the usual expenses easier and sometimes much easier. Even in households where only one is earning, physical life is easier as the other often provides services and support for daily living. When one person is unable to work, the other is there to foot the bill. Monogamous couples make commitments to each other about taking care of each other when illness strikes. Often this provides more security than any other commitment.

A guaranteed cheering section.

In a good relationship, your spouse/partner is your biggest fan. They can provide you with acknowledgement of your achievements, motivation and solace when you fail. People who have a good support system have lower stress levels and reach more of their goals.

Familiarity

When you are familiar with someone, you feel you can relax fully without worrying that your relationship will fail. Familiarity means that you don’t always feel you must be on your best form or best behaviour.

Cons of Monogamy:...

M is for Monogamy

 

Happy New Year everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  This episode comes out on 1 January 2018.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is M and M is for Monogamy.

 

The Ethnographic Atlas Codebook classifies 84.6% cultures as polygynous (1 husband multiple wives), 15.1% classified as monogamous and .3% as polyandrous (1 wife, multiple husbands).    Monogamy is a minority life choice when you look at world cultures.   When we look at human evolution, hunter gatherer and tribal societies historically practiced forms of polyamory.  So how did monogamy become the preference and even the only legal form of romantic relationship in western society?  

 

Some of this may be due to the spread of Christianity.  However, the most agreed upon explanation is that people who were anti-polygyny had larger and stronger armies.  Monogamous groups grow larger because more men have wives within the group so they don’t have to leave to find wives in another group.    Scheidel (2009) talks about monogamy in Greco-Roman times and says that monogamy was socially imposed and this allowed men of lower status to marry.  In fact, these men were offered the possibility of wives in exchange for military service and taxes.  

 

Monogamy and non-monogamy have pros and cons.  Some people are better suited to one form of relationship style than the other.  Often people don’t choose a particular style but simply absorb what is expected of them based on their family upbringing and cultures. 

 

Pros of Monogamy:

1. Sex improves over time.

If you spend time and attention on your relationship, sex can improve the longer you know each other.  There is nothing like sex with someone who knows every inch of you and all of the things that make you scream.

 

1. Intimacy of all types can be deeper.

There is a deeper intimacy that is born out of sharing with someone for a

long time.  This comes from coping with difficult times, living through

trauma together, experiencing joy together, sharing each other’s

achievements.  The level of emotional connection becomes more

intense over time and interaction. Higher levels of emotional intimacy

are associated with higher self-esteem, lower levels of stress, higher

levels of happiness.

 

1. Higher degree of emotional security.

If you choose monogamy and both you and your partner are faithful to your vows, you have a higher degree of emotional security.  You know that your partner will have your back no matter what.  You have a true partner – someone to rely on, someone who will place your well-being high up on their priority list.

 

1. More physical security

Two working together are often able to create more physical security. Two incomes make sorting out the usual expenses easier and sometimes much easier.  Even in households where only one is earning, physical life is easier as the other often provides services and support for daily living.  When one person is unable to work, the other is there to foot the bill.  Monogamous couples make commitments to each other about taking care of each other when illness strikes.  Often this provides more security than any other commitment.

 

1. A guaranteed cheering section.

In a good relationship, your spouse/partner is your biggest fan.  They can provide you with acknowledgement of your achievements, motivation and solace when you fail.  People who have a good support system have lower stress levels and reach more of their goals.

 

1. Familiarity

When you are familiar with someone, you feel you can relax fully without worrying that your relationship will fail.  Familiarity means that you don’t always feel you must be on your best form or best behaviour.  

 

Cons of Monogamy:

1. Boredom

When you know everything about someone, boredom can seep into the relationship.  For many couples this is when the risk of affairs arises.  People become unhappy in relationships when they become boring and can find it difficult to break the cycle.  In cases where no one has an affair, sometimes one partner will become emotionally intimate with friends and find they have little to share with the other partner.  This decreases intimacy further.

 

1. Growing apart

People grow and change throughout their lives.  Sometimes they change in different ways and find they are no longer as compatible.  This is particularly difficult when their sexual desires change and they find they are sexually incompatible.    This can lead to long term unhappiness and sometimes to depression.

 

1. Relationship burnout.

Burnout comes when you rely on your partner to meet all of your emotional needs.  It is extremely difficult to meet all the needs of another person.  Parents know how hard this is.  It is even more difficult when an adult is completely dependent upon you.  In healthy monogamous couples, friends and family meet some of the emotional needs of each partner.

 

1. Desire for variety.

By definition, monogamy limits variety in some ways.  If you want lots of variety in your daily relationships, monogamy won’t provide this as well as non-monogamy. 

 

1. Familiarity

Familiarity can also mean complacency.  Many of us become complacent in long term relationships.  We stop taking care of ourselves physically, stop trying to look our best.  We may stop doing the special things for our partners that we did when we were courting.  Complacency can be the death knell of a relationship. 

 

 

Sometimes lower levels of sexually transmitted diseases are listed as a benefit for monogamy but this is not always true.  Research highlights that people who are being unfaithful are less likely to practice safe sex, less likely to be tested for sexually transmitted infections and less likely to tell their partners than people who are in consensually non-monogamous relationships. 

 

Sometimes people suggest that lower levels of jealousy is a benefit of being in a monogamous relationship however, this is not always the case.  In 2012, Conley and colleagues did a critical review of the popular assumptions about the benefits of a monogamous relationship.  This was published in Personality and Social Psychology Review.  She found the levels of jealousy were actually lower in consensually non-monogamous relationships and that jealousy in monogamous relationships was not handled as well as in non-monogamous ones.

 

In my experience working with people, monogamy works best for people who are prepared to spend the time, energy and attention working on the relationship.  My tips to make monogamy truly successful:

1. Become emotionally literate.

If you master managing your emotions, expressing your emotions well and resolving internal conflict, you will be a better partner and your relationship will benefit.

 

1. Learn to argue productively.

There are ways to disagree that result in productive resolution of the conflict.  Couples who manage to do this, have happier, more successful, longer lasting relationships.  Learn to talk about the behaviour not the person.  Learn to own your own feelings and your contribution to the conflict.

 

1. Learn how to apologise and how to forgive.

Full apologies include a change in behaviour.  If you are apologising for hurting someone’s feelings but you don’t feel you have done wrong, make this clear and then continue to examine what has happened.  Forgiveness includes letting go of the conflict.  Couples frequently have the same argument over and over again.  For some, this is because behaviours never change and expectations never change.   For others, this is because one partner is not able to forgive even after an apology and a change in behaviour.

 

1. Make expectations clear and explicit and make clear agreements.

Unhappiness often results from expectations not being met.  If a couple sits down and talks through expectations and makes clear agreements, then unhappiness is avoided.  Good negotiation skills are needed to do this.

 

1. Set time aside to enjoy each other and to do things together.

Date nights are necessary to keeping a relationship alive and happy.

1. Prioritise great sex.

Relationships that have great sex and intimacy are happier and longer lasting.

 

I work with couples on creating powerful agreements and setting in place relationship routines and rituals to keep their partnerships running smoothly, with lots of excitement and joy.  Each couple’s routines and rituals look different but the emotional and social skills needed to create them and keep them going strong are the same.  All of these are improved with practice and practice does not have to be onerous.  It can be surprisingly fun.  Couples who have these structures in place have a good foundation to last in the long term. Creating an emotional foundation and a good relationship structure raises the probability that your relationship will last the distance, whether it is a monogamous one or a consensually non-monogamous one.

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter N. 

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is L and L is for Libido, in this case particularly loss of libido in women. There is quite a bit of talk of the changes men go through as they get older, including erectile dysfunction and even some discussion about loss of libido. But we rarely talk openly about the loss of libido that can accompany peri-menopause and menopause and how devastating women kind find this change. Libido in this context refers to someone’s sex drive, that is their desire to have sexual encounters (solo or with others). There are many events during the course of a lifetime that can impact libido and libido certainly ebbs and flows as a result of hormonal changes. For some women, these changes take them entirely by surprise and just at a time when they no longer have to worry about using birth control, a time when they hope to be freer and more spontaneous in relation to their sexual encounters, they can find themselves surprisingly and sometimes suddenly entirely uninterested in sex of any kind.

When midlife mayhem descends it’s not uncommon to wake up in the morning feeling like you have been possessed by an alien. Life as you knew may seem to be a dim and distant memory. Your hormones are in the driving seat and you are left clinging on by your finger nails. Gone are the days when you roll over in the mornings hoping your partner is in the mood for some fun. Instead of snuggling up for comfort and love you are only too pleased to be in your own space busy throwing off the covers as the heat over takes you. When you cool down, hoping you will stay cool long enough to engage in passion, you may be fearful that intercourse will be a nightmare leaving you feeling sore instead of satisfied. If this sounds familiar then you will be pleased to hear from Maryon Stewart as she has been helping women to rekindle their libido naturally for over 25 years. Maryon Stewart is well known in both the UK and Australia as a pioneer in the field of non drug medicine. In 1984 she set up the women’s nutritional advisory Service, which has helped tens of thousands of women all around the world to improve their health and wellbeing. In 2010, following the death of her 21 year old daughter Hester, Maryon founded the Angelus Foundation, the only charity currently dedicated to raising awareness about the dangers of legal highs and club drugs. She has written 26 popular self-help books, co-authored a series of medical papers, written regular columns for numerous daily newspapers and magazines, had her own radio show, written scripts for, and produced many films, as well as contributed to a variety TV series, including being the Nutritionist for Channel Four’s Model Behaviour and now she presents The Really Useful Health Show.

Maryon spoke about the symptoms of perimenopause and menopause and talked at length about how many things can be resolved through the use of natural medicine. We spoke about how hard it is to make sure you have good information as the internet has so much that it can be overwhelming and most GP’s are not well versed in the alternatives to hormone replacement therapy. Maryon spoke about the importance of community support as people often feel that they are the only one going through this and she has started a closed Facebook group called Midlife SWITCH for women going through perimenopause and menopause. She reports that since the start lots of women have written in about how comforting it is to know others are there who understand what they are going through.

You can find Maryon Stewart on www.maryonstewart.com and Midlife Switch on Facebook. Her books are widely available.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex Write in

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is L and L is for Libido, in this case particularly loss of libido in women. There is quite a bit of talk of the changes men go through as they get older, including erectile dysfunction and even some discussion about loss of libido. But we rarely talk openly about the loss of libido that can accompany peri-menopause and menopause and how devastating women kind find this change.  Libido in this context refers to someone’s sex drive, that is their desire to have sexual encounters (solo or with others). There are many events during the course of a lifetime that can impact libido and libido certainly ebbs and flows as a result of hormonal changes. For some women, these changes take them entirely by surprise and just at a time when they no longer have to worry about using birth control, a time when they hope to be freer and more spontaneous in relation to their sexual encounters, they can find themselves surprisingly and sometimes suddenly entirely uninterested in sex of any kind. 

When midlife mayhem descends it’s not uncommon to wake up in the morning feeling like you have been possessed by an alien. Life as you knew may seem to be a dim and distant memory. Your hormones are in the driving seat and you are left clinging on by your finger nails. Gone are the days when you roll over in the mornings hoping your partner is in the mood for some fun. Instead of snuggling up for comfort and love you are only too pleased to be in your own space busy throwing off the covers as the heat over takes you. When you cool down, hoping you will stay cool long enough to engage in passion, you may be fearful that intercourse will be a nightmare leaving you feeling sore instead of satisfied. If this sounds familiar then you will be pleased to hear from Maryon Stewart as she has been helping women to rekindle their libido naturally for over 25 years. Maryon Stewart is well known in both the UK and Australia as a pioneer in the field of non drug medicine. In 1984 she set up the women’s nutritional advisory Service, which has helped tens of thousands of women all around the world to improve their health and wellbeing. In 2010, following the death of her 21 year old daughter Hester, Maryon founded the Angelus Foundation, the only charity currently dedicated to raising awareness about the dangers of legal highs and club drugs. She has written 26 popular self-help books, co-authored a series of medical papers, written regular columns for numerous daily newspapers and magazines, had her own radio show, written scripts for, and produced many films, as well as contributed to a variety TV series, including being the Nutritionist for Channel Four’s Model Behaviour and now she presents The Really Useful Health Show.

Maryon spoke about the symptoms of perimenopause and menopause and talked at length about how many things can be resolved through the use of natural medicine. We spoke about how hard it is to make sure you have good information as the internet has so much that it can be overwhelming and most GP’s are not well versed in the alternatives to hormone replacement therapy.  Maryon spoke about the importance of community support as people often feel that they are the only one going through this and she has started a closed Facebook group called Midlife SWITCH for women going through perimenopause and menopause. She reports that since the start lots of women have written in about how comforting it is to know others are there who understand what they are going through.

You can find Maryon Stewart on www.maryonstewart.com and Midlife Switch on Facebook.  Her books are widely available.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex  Write in with your questions to [email protected]and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and https://the-intimacy-coach.com to learn more.  For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now'.

Enjoy this reissue interview with Ms Max Rulz about all things kinky.

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Today’s letter is K and K is for Kinky. Kinky (when it refers to sex) is defined as involving or given to unusual sexual behaviour. Kinky behaviour has traditionally been underground but in recent years, has entered the mainstream public domain. Today I am joined by Ms Max Rulz. She has been teaching people about sexuality and kink for the past 25 years. She has participated and supported and educated folk through the national leather community. She served on the board of the Leather Library and had her own kink radio show called the Leather Hour in Houston and Galveston.

We talk about the most common kinks that Ms Max has observed over the years and she says the number one is cross dressing. The second is flogging or the desire for some type of correction.

Ms Max highlights that the most important skill is communication and that lots of discussion and negotiation goes on between people who decide to engage in a kinky sexual scene. She compares this to the way people who are not kinky communicate about sex and we discuss the problems in this arena and the concerns we have for the younger generation who are not learning to talk about sex from their parents but rather from their peers.

Ms Max highlights that honesty and authenticity are the other two most important components and that this is an area where there is also a lack in modern day relationships.

John wrote in and asked how he could raise the subject of his desire for cross dressing with his wife. He has been a cross dresser for 15 years but has never told her. Ms Max suggests that he can approach the subject gingerly by bringing up things in conversation – like the fact that he enjoys the feeling of her gown when she is lying next to him. And then maybe asking if she would like to feel how that feels. She is clear that he needs to be prepared for rejection because he did not bring his authentic self to the table initially but that he shouldn’t give up after only one try. She may have her own kinks that she would like to explore. She also suggests that he try one of the many games that encourage couples to take turns doing sexual things. This way they can explore together.

To contact Ms Max you can email [email protected].

Thanks for listening to the A to Z of Sex this week. Join me next week when the letter is L.

J is for Jingle Bells: The A to Z of Sex Holiday Gift and Survival guide

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is J and J is for Jingle Bells. This is the A to Z of Sex Holiday Gift and Survival Guide.

The pressure around the holidays in the western world has increased dramatically over the past 50 years. The pressure starts with the idea that people will come together in family groups and everyone will have a great time. Children are taught that it is the most wonderful time of the year and often look forward to the holidays all year.

The reality is often far different than the picture of familial bliss that the media create each year. Many families cannot get together because of work commitments and distance or the money it costs to travel to where other family are especially now when airlines charge different fares according to ‘peak’ or ‘off peak’ times (and of course, holidays are always in peak times).

Holidays have become extremely commercialised and there is a large emphasis on present exchange. If you haven’t much money this can lead to high levels of disappointment or debt.

If there are fractures in your family through divorce, everything becomes more complicated and more stressful. If you are bereaved or simply single, this time of year is often extremely lonely.

This is also the time of year where alcohol and drug consumption increase and impulsive sex increases as well. Even people who avoid one night stands the rest of the year can give in to the pressure around the holiday time.

Stress often lowers the frequency of sex between partners at this time of year even though the expectations around this time of year can be that there should be more sex.

Here are my tips to make this time of year less stressful and to increase the amount of great sex when you have a few days off for the holidays.

If you have a partner or partners, discuss expectations for the holidays. Assumptions create more problems than anything else at this time of year. Talk about expectations about how you will spend the holidays, where you will spend the holidays, present giving, and who is in charge of the celebrations. Make sure that you work out good compromises in advance. If there are some traditions you absolutely can’t live without, make that clear.

Schedule intimate time on and around the holidays. It can feel overwhelming with all the commitments people make to family, friends and work colleagues. Don’t forget your partner (s). Make sure to prioritise some time even if it is only a couple of hours.

Plan to go to an event that encourages sensuality and experimentation. There are usually quite a few events around the holidays from burlesque to strip performances to sex positive parties, swingers parties, BDSM and kink events. If none of these appeal, why not check out an erotic movie?

Be clear about boundaries with partner (s), family, work colleagues and friends. If you find this difficult, it is a good time to practice setting boundaries.

Look for ways to lower overall stress in the lead up to the holidays. If money is an area of stress, limit your present buying budgets. Agree a low budget with lovers, friends and families. Thinking about gifting experiences.

If you are single, sit down and list out your expectations. Make sure to plan in time for relaxation.

Limit your drug and alcohol consumption.

If there are people you normally find difficult, consider either having a conversation with them prior to the holidays to make it more likely that there will be no problems or if you know that this is unlikely to work, avoiding having contact with the person or people.

J is for Jingle Bells: The A to Z of Sex Holiday Gift and Survival guide

 

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is J and J is for Jingle Bells.  This is the A to Z of Sex Holiday Gift and Survival Guide.

 

The pressure around the holidays in the western world has increased dramatically over the past 50 years.  The pressure starts with the idea that people will come together in family groups and everyone will have a great time.  Children are taught that it is the most wonderful time of the year and often look forward to the holidays all year.

 

The reality is often far different than the picture of familial bliss that the media create each year.   Many families cannot get together because of work commitments and distance or the money it costs to travel to where other family are especially now when airlines charge different fares according to ‘peak’ or ‘off peak’ times (and of course, holidays are always in peak times).

 

Holidays have become extremely commercialised and there is a large emphasis on present exchange.  If you haven’t much money this can lead to high levels of disappointment or debt.   

 

If there are fractures in your family through divorce, everything becomes more complicated and more stressful.  If you are bereaved or simply single, this time of year is often extremely lonely.

 

This is also the time of year where alcohol and drug consumption increase and impulsive sex increases as well.   Even people who avoid one night stands the rest of the year can give in to the pressure around the holiday time.   

 

Stress often lowers the frequency of sex between partners at this time of year even though the expectations around this time of year can be that there should be more sex. 

 

Here are my tips to make this time of year less stressful and to increase the amount of great sex when you have a few days off for the holidays.

 

• If you have a partner or partners, discuss expectations for the holidays. Assumptions create more problems than anything else at this time of year.   Talk about expectations about how you will spend the holidays, where you will spend the holidays, present giving, and who is in charge of the celebrations.  Make sure that you work out good compromises in advance.  If there are some traditions you absolutely can’t live without, make that clear. 
• Schedule intimate time on and around the holidays. It can feel overwhelming with all the commitments people make to family, friends and work colleagues.  Don’t forget your partner (s).  Make sure to prioritise some time even if it is only a couple of hours. 
• Plan to go to an event that encourages sensuality and experimentation. There are usually quite a few events around the holidays from burlesque to strip performances to sex positive parties, swingers parties, BDSM and kink events.    If none of these appeal, why not check out an erotic movie?
• Be clear about boundaries with partner (s), family, work colleagues and friends. If you find this difficult, it is a good time to practice setting boundaries.
• Look for ways to lower overall stress in the lead up to the holidays. If money is an area of stress, limit your present buying budgets.  Agree a low budget with lovers, friends and families.  Thinking about gifting experiences. 
• If you are single, sit down and list out your expectations. Make sure to plan in time for relaxation. 
• Limit your drug and alcohol consumption.
• If there are people you normally find difficult, consider either having a conversation with them prior to the holidays to make it more likely that there will be no problems or if you know that this is unlikely to work, avoiding having contact with the person or people.

 

Here are my suggestions for holiday gifts to increase your sexy.

 

Gifts up to £20

Sulis Silk Thong for Men This is so sexy. If your man is willing to wear a thong, this is the one. £18

A Girl Walk’s Into a Bar  This is a book of erotica that is interactive to help you jump start some fantasy play.  It’s light hearted and fun and only £6.99.

Pillow Play App  The app is designed to increase intimacy and is made up of short video episodes which introduce a short exercise/action.  It is designed to deepen intimacy for busy couples.  €7.99

Fetish IOU game for couples.  This one is a bit spicy.  £9

 

Dalliant Dice  These sex dice are great fun and reasonably priced at $19.95

 

Desire.games app  This is free but has in app purchases.  The game itself encourages activities offline to increase intimacy.  It is hot and lots of fun.  Average in app purchase is $5

 

Sex Butter  is an all natural balm that can add some extra spark to sex.  It is fantastic to plump up dehydrated tissues and provides additional lubrication.    It can be used on lips as well and is great for rehydration.  Peppermint oil provides the extra tingle.

 

If you aren’t fond of peppermint oil, sister product Boudoir Butter is lovely as well.

 

Gifts up to 75

 

Bamboo silk bondage rope  Want to try your hand at some rope bondage?  This silk bamboo has a lovely texture and is strong.  Starts at $23

 

Rani slapper  Fancy a spanking and don’t want to hurt your hands?   This slapper may be just the ticket.  It can give quite a sting so make sure to take some time to warm your bottom up.  From $23.60

 

Sulis silk boxers These are beautiful sexy boxers for men.   There is nothing more sexy than a man in silk underwear.  £32

 

Dame Products Fin vibrator. The size of this vibrator is deceptive.  It’s small and it’s powerful.  It sits so comfortably between the fingers and is ideal for extra clitoral stimulation.  Two sides give two different sensations.  Just divine.

 

Bondage Deluxe Blindfold and Cuffs  This set is for light restraint and sensory play.  If you are just starting to explore or if you really don’t like anything too kinky, this is the set for you.

 

Entrance to a holiday swingers’ party. In the UK, you can find events here.

 

Dinner and a burlesque show.

 

A drink and a dance or two at 23 Paul Street.  This upmarket gentleman’s club is wonderful.  The women are gorgeous, hot, bright, and friendly.  The environment is second to none. 

If you are a woman who enjoys women, go on a night when Mint Tease is the event.  This is for women only.

 

Create a love story especially for your love.

Love Book

This one is cute – can be done in hard or softcover and is on sale at the moment!  Cost is $50

 

 

Gifts Up to £150

 

Silk binding sash  Fancy a bit of light bondage?  This silk bondage sash is delicious and starts at $79.

 

Shiri Zinn Minx This vibrator is gorgeous and has a removable maribou tail. It comes in three colours and has it’s own stand. Shiri Zinn makes high end toys that are well made and lovely.  This vibrator has some serious girth which is fun for some and difficult for others.  The vibrator is made of polycarbonate plastic which means that it is completely body safe and you can use any lube you want with it.  £89

 

Lelo Sona  The sona is an incredible sonic clitoral stimulator.  If you haven’t tried this type of toy before,  this one is pretty intense.    Lelo’s typical beautiful design is carried into this product.  It isn’t a vibrator as it uses sonic waves.  It is quiet so there is no need to worry about who can hear you through those paper thin walls.  £89

 

Sulis Men’s Silk Kimono This is luxurious and very sexy.  A reasonably priced silk robe for the man in your life £96

 

Crescendo vibrator by Mystery Vibe.  This is a vibrator with a difference.  It can be bent and molded to you.  Placing it between you and your love creates some incredible pleasure.  It is a delicious toy.  And right now, there is a sale.

 

Over £150

 

Liliana Casanova designs gorgeous custom sized lingerie.  If you really want to treat her to something gorgeous.

 

An overnight stay at Ess & Emm bed and breakfast with dungeon

 

Two hours dungeon hire at the London Dungeon Hire  This space is fantastic.  It appears far smaller than it is.  There is the widest range of equipment I have ever seen in one space devoted to kink and BDSM.  You can experiment in total privacy.

 

The Dram Team For £26.99 per month, you get 6 drams of whiskey.  If you are in the US, Tasters Club  At $69 per month get a full bottle. 

 

A 6 month membership to Scarlet Ladies  for a woman in your life.  This amazing community meets at 23 Paul Street on Tuesdays.  There are events every month on topics about sex and sexuality as well as a coaching group and social meet ups.  

 

A boudoir photo shoot with Faby and Carlo if you are in the UK.  They are amazing photographers and put you completely at your ease.  The experience is transformative for many.   If you like the photos of me on my website, these were taken by them.

 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

Are you ready to find out what turns you on?  Take the Test by heading over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and clicking on the button that says Take the Test.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter K. 

I is for #Italksex

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is I and I is for #ITalkSex

#ITalkSex is a campaign started by the ladies who brought us Scarlet Ladies, Sarah and Jannette. Both women came from very different backgrounds and discovered the same thing, that women don’t have safe spaces to talk about sex and intimacy and that they need these spaces. They have created a space that encompasses FIERCE values: Freedom, Inspiration, Esteem, Courage and Enjoyment and have focused on connecting all women through these values.

Joining me today to talk about FIERCE values and the #ITalkSex Campaign is Sarah Beilfuss.

Sarah talked with me about the #ItalkSex campaign and that it came from the reason that Scarlet Ladies began in the first place. She said that she and Janette met at a networking event and that this led to a conversation about blow jobs and other conversations about sex. She described the relief at being able to talk about sex without fear of judgement and that they decided to maybe do a workshop together. This was how Scarlet Ladies was born.

Sarah talked about all the reasons that the campaign is important – to bring awareness to women’s sexuality and the issues that are important to women from sexual violence to sexual pleasure. She talked about how important it was to have a diverse group of women talking about these topics and how the photo campaign that goes along with the twitter campaign illustrates a diverse group of women.

Sarah talked about the topics that are covered at Scarlet Ladies from the most recent panel on LGBTQ+ to the panel for Black History month in the UK (October) where black women talked about what it is like to live in a colourist society. We talked about how women at these meetings often remarked that just knowing they are not alone was so important. We spoke about the need for men and women to communicate about sex and Sarah mentioned that she had heard about a woman who died of cancer of the vulva because shame kept her from knowing what was normal for her body. She spoke of doctors who don’t take women’s pain during sex seriously and tell women to either relax or try another method (like anal sex) to satisfy their partners and how they ignore women’s pleasure as being a reason that a woman might seek help. She spoke about the fact that women who are self-conscious and unsure are easier prey for predators.

We spoke about the importance of being able to speak your truth and not feel shame and having a safe space to talk about sex and intimacy – the positives and the negatives and everything in between.

To find out more about Scarlet Ladies:

https://scarletladiestalk.com

Twitter: @scarletladies

Facebook: ScarletladiesUK

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! Is BDSM or Power Exchange for You?

Are you already involved but want to improve things?

Take the test to find out about your kinky quotient https://the-intimacy-coach.com/kinkyquotient . If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Join me next week for the letter J.

I is for #Italksex

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is I and I is for #ITalkSex

 

#ITalkSex is a campaign started by the ladies who brought us Scarlet Ladies, Sarah and Jannette.    Both women came from very different backgrounds and discovered the same thing, that women don’t have safe spaces to talk about sex and intimacy and that they need these spaces.  They have created a space that encompasses FIERCE values: Freedom, Inspiration, Esteem, Courage and Enjoyment and have focused on connecting all women through these values.

 

Joining me today to talk about FIERCE values and the #ITalkSex Campaign is Sarah Beilfuss. 

 

Sarah talked with me about the #ItalkSex campaign and that it came from the reason that Scarlet Ladies began in the first place. She said that she and Janette met at a networking event and that this led to a conversation about blow jobs and other conversations about sex.  She described the relief at being able to talk about sex without fear of judgement and that they decided to maybe do a workshop together.  This was how Scarlet Ladies was born.  

 

Sarah talked about all the reasons that the campaign is important – to bring awareness to women’s sexuality and the issues that are important to women from sexual violence to sexual pleasure.  She talked about how important it was to have a diverse group of women talking about these topics and how the photo campaign that goes along with the twitter campaign illustrates a diverse group of women.

 

Sarah talked about the topics that are covered at Scarlet Ladies from the most recent panel on LGBTQ+ to the panel for Black History month in the UK (October) where black women talked about what it is like to live in a colourist society.    We talked about how women at these meetings often remarked that just knowing they are not alone was so important.  We spoke about the need for men and women to communicate about sex and Sarah mentioned that she had heard about a woman who died of cancer of the vulva because shame kept her from knowing what was normal for her body.  She spoke of doctors who don’t take women’s pain during sex seriously and tell women to either relax or try another method (like anal sex) to satisfy their partners and how they ignore women’s pleasure as being a reason that a woman might seek help.   She spoke about the fact that women who are self-conscious and unsure are easier prey for predators.

 

We spoke about the importance of being able to speak your truth and not feel shame and having a safe space to talk about sex and intimacy – the positives and the negatives and everything in between.

 

To find out more about Scarlet Ladies:

https://scarletladiestalk.com

 

Twitter: @scarletladies

Facebook: ScarletladiesUK

 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! Is BDSM or Power Exchange for You?

Are you already involved but want to improve things?

Take the test to find out about your kinky quotient https://the-intimacy-coach.com/kinkyquotient . If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Join me next week for the letter J.

H is for Hanky Code

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is H and H is for Hanky Code. I am giving a trigger warning for today because as I go through the whole hanky code, I will mention fetishes that might make you feel uncomfortable, disgusted or trigger a negative reaction.

The Handkerchief Code (also known as hanky code, bandana code, or flagging) was originally used by gay men to signal what type of sex they were into. There are a couple of theories of where this began. The stranger theory is that after the Gold Rush, San Francisco was overrun with men. Since there weren’t enough women at dances, men danced together and the ones who were leading (the male role) wore a blue hanky and those who followed (the female role) wore a red hanky. Frankly, this theory seems a bit unlikely to me.

Flagging using keys (left pocket for top, right pocket for bottom) began in the 50’s and 60’s and was one of the ways that gay men could recognise each other. All through this time, gay sex was illegal in most localities so being able to tell if someone was interested in you without admitting openly that you were gay.

The second theory was that in 1971 or so, a journalist for the Village Voice (the first alternative newspaper which came from New York City – caters to creates and alternative lifestyles), suggested that instead of wearing keys in the left pocket (top) or the right pocket (bottom) hankies of different colours could give more information about what someone really likes. This makes more sense to me but has not gone beyond urban legend. It seems no one really knows how this got started. But get started it did, and in 1982 it was included in the Leatherman’s Handbook. It was a small code at first, with only a 10 categories signalled and used exclusively by gay men. In fact, many people suggested that the code wasn’t as important as the fact that it highlighted spaces where these activities took place and people who are open to these activities.

The use of the code has spread. It is now common with gay males looking for casual sex, people of all orientations who practice BDSM and in the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, New Zealand. It is not as widely used as in the past, but it is worth knowing and is an easy way to communicate in noisy environments. The code has expanded as well. Traditionally, hankies are worn in the back pocket. Now they are also worn around the wrist, ankle, leg (on the thigh above the knee) or around the neck with the tie on the left side to signify top, right side to signify bottom and centre to mean switch.

One of the current expanded code looks like this:

Black: Heavy S&M (left = dominant, right = submissive)

Grey: Bondage (left = top, right = bottom)

Black with white check: Safe sex (left = top, right = bottom)

Grey with Black: Light S&M (left = top, right = bottom)

Grey flannel: Left = Wears suits, right = likes men in suits

Black with white strip = left = likes black bottoms, right = likes black tops

Charcoal: latex fetish (left = top, right = bottom)

Black velvet: videos (left = has/takes videos, right = will perform for the camera)

Light blue: head (left = wants, right = cocksucker)

Light blue with white stripe: sailor (left =sailor, right = likes sailors)

Light blue with white dots: white (left = wants head from whites, right = white cocksucker

Light blue with black dots: black (left = wants head from blacks, right = black cocksucker)

Light blue with brown dots: Latino (left = wants head from Latinos, right = Latino cocksucker

Light blue with yellow dots: Asian (left = wants head from Asians, right = Asian cocksucker

Robin’s egg blue: left...