The A to Z of Sex

C is for Cunt

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is C and C is for Cunt.  As Dr Kate Lister said in her chapter on the subject, ‘as far as offensive words go, you are entering a hardhat area’.  (The link in the notes takes you to the excerpt and I highly recommend all of her writing.)

If you are easily offended, this is probably not the podcast for you this week.

Cunt is the word for vulva.  According to Dr Kate Lister, cunt is the oldest world for female genitalia in the English language and quite possibly in Europe.  She goes on to say that in 1500 Wynkyn de Worde defined ‘vulva’ as ‘in English, a cunt’.    At this time, cunt was a descriptive word.    Dr Kate Lister provides an hilarious history of the word and it’s usage to modern times in the chapter referenced above.   She highlights that by the 18th century, the word cunt is now used as a curse and seen as a lude and indecent word.   

Currently, cunt is the word that lots of women refuse to say.  They see it as offensive no matter how it is being used.  This varies from culture to culture.  For example in America, it is the insult that means your wife or girlfriend might end the relationship but in the drag community in the US, a queen might be called cunty to highlight a high level of femininity.  In the UK, New Zealand and Australia it is usually used to refer to a man.   When a man uses the term to refer to another man, in some parts of the world it is the worst insult you can use and in others it can be seen as a term of endearment.  In New Zealand, a man may refer to another man as ‘a good cunt’ meaning a good guy.    I find this hilarious given the true meaning of the term. 

The word cunt appears in literature up through the 21st century.  It is used several times in the Canterbury Tales (1390) and is used openly so is not seen to be vulgar or obscene.  There is some suggestion that by Shakespeare’s day, cunt was seen as obscene.  Even so, he enjoyed sneaking the word cunt in where he could.

Cunt can be used to describe someone who is a fool or an annoying person. 

The word featured in one of the most famous obscenity trials in the UK.

This was in the trial for the publication Oz.

Oz was an underground magazine that was at first released in Australia in 1963 and was primarily satirical.  It covered topics like homosexuality, White Australia Policy, Australian involvement in the Viet Nam War and of course, censorship.  There were two obscenity trials in Australia during the life of the magazine in Australia.  The founders were sentenced to three to six months in prison with hard labour.  They were released on bail pending appeal and the convictions were eventually overturned.

Two of the founders (Sharp and Neville) headed for London in February 1966.  The third founder (Walsh) continued to publish a smaller edition of Oz until 1969.

In 1966, the London Oz was founded by Neville, Sharp and another Australian Jim Anderson.  The magazine turned more psychedelic.   The magazine was targeted by the UK Obscene Publications Squad and their offices were raided a number of times.  The editors often invited groups of people to ‘edit an issue’.  One was edited by gay people, another by the female liberation movement.  Finally, they asked a group of secondary school students to edit issue number 28 which came out in May 1970.  One article was a very sexual Rupert Bear parody written by a 15 year old.  This marrying of school children and ‘obscene’ writing was what led to the obscenity trial in 1971.

In the 1971 Oz obscenity trial the prosecutor asked one of the principals if he would call his 10 year old daughter a cunt and he replied ‘No because I don’t think she is.’

Cunt can also be used to describe something that is difficult as the word bitch is often used.    For example: ‘A bitch of a hill to climb.’ can also be ‘A cunt of a hill to climb’.

In 2016, a British judge used the word when sentencing a man as he told the judge he thought the victim was ‘a bit of a cunt’ and the judge replied ‘You’re a bit of a cunt too’.

There is a movement amongst feminists to reclaim the term and Germaine Greer highlights that it is a word of ‘immense power’ that should be used ‘sparingly’.

From the use of the word, to the thing itself.  Let’s talk about anatomy for a minute.  I remain astonished how many women have never really examined themselves and don’t spend time looking at their cunts or their vaginas.  There are a couple of reasons that you should look at yourself.

• If you don’t know how you are constructed, how can you help a partner with what feels best – and even with which bit is where?

Tweaking RuPaul’s catchphrase –If you don’t know yourself, how in the hell will anyone else know you?

• If you don’t look at yourself, you have no way to notice changes. Observation is a key to managing any health issues quickly.  This is true for your whole body.  You should know what is normal for you so that if things change, you can clearly describe to a health care professional what is normal for you and what the changes are. 

So anatomy:  The vulva is the outside of the genitals.  It includes the inner and outer lips (labia), the clitoris, the urethral opening and the entrance to the vagina.  The vagina is the inner tube.  I apologise if most listeners are already aware of this.  The clitoris is located above the opening of the vagina.  Actually the glans of  the clitoris is located there.  The rest of the clitoris (which is much larger) is located internally and is about 4 inches long.   It is all made of erectile tissue.  The G spot is actually the ends of the clitoris.

Tips for caring for the vulva and the vagina:

• The vagina is self-cleaning. Douching screws up the balance of good bacteria.
• Clean the vulva with warm water and avoid hard soaps. Don’t scrub too hard as the skin is really sensitive.
• Pay attention to the texture, smell and any secretions and know what is normal for you!
• Smell changes at different points in a woman’s life. Strong negative smells usually mean that you have an infection.
• Do Kegels (pelvic floor) exercises to keep your vagina in shape.
• Try not to cover yourself in synthetic fabric all the time as it tends to be more conducive to infections of all types. Wear cotton, silk, bamboo – natural fibres.
• Take some time to explore and see what feels good and what does not. See what causes arousal, the texture of your skin .  Get to know you first.

I have always found it profound that the worst insult you can hurl at a man is to call him a cunt.  It highlights how accepted it is to denigrate a woman.  In many cultures, there is no worse insult than to suggest that a man is feminine.  Recently women have taken to using cunt as an insult as well.  This is only one example of how we denigrate and devalue ourselves.  It highlights our separation from our whole bodies and how easy it is for us to swallow the message given to us by men.    This is closely related to slut shaming.  Women are often quick to call another woman a slut.  This is the go to insult – whether what the other woman has done has had anything to do with sex or sleeping around or not.  We quickly call another woman a slut, a cunt or a bitch when she angers us.  It is only recently that women have become more comfortable with the word cunt but instead of using it in a positive manner, it continues to be used to hurl as an insult.

Even when talking dirty, using the word cunt can feel challenging.  For some women, being called a hot cunt is exciting.  For some, it feels too raw.  In order to reclaim cunt, we have to practice using it, hearing it. 

George Carlin, an American comedian, first did a sketch called the 7 words you can’t say on television on 27 May in 1972. Here is his take on cunt: ‘The reason that piss and cunt are on the list is that a long time ago these are the two that ladies said they are not going to say.  I don’t mind shit and fuck but p and c are out.  Which led to such stupid sentences as OK you fuckers I’m going to tinkle now.’

Angie wrote in to ask how to get her girlfriend to really talk dirty to her.  She says that she enjoys being called slut, whore and cunt but her girlfriend is really uncomfortable using these words and that when she does, they sound bland instead of edgy.  Thanks for writing in, Angie.  The first step is to sit down with your girlfriend at a time when you are not in the bedroom and not planning on having sex straight away.  Start by letting her know that you have noticed how hard she finds it to use the strong words you enjoy during dirty talk.  Ask her what causes her concern.  Make sure to listen well.  If she is afraid of hurting you, make it clear that you will not be offended by these words used in this context and let her know how hot you think it is when she talks to you that way.  If it is her own discomfort in using words she finds hateful, acknowledge that.  You can try to negotiate again by letting her know how incredibly hot you find it when she talks that way.  But if she is still not willing, work with her to find other words that might work.  Experiment with these and keep trying until you find something that trips your trigger.

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!  If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

The next four people who review the show will receive 1 session free, a £250 value.

See you next week when the letter will be D and D is for Desire.

B is for Bisexual

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is B and B is for Bisexual.

People who are bisexual are attracted to both men and women (and some are attracted to all genders)

Joining me today to talk about this topic is Cooper S Beckett.  Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud.

We started our talk about male bisexuality by looking at some of the differences to female bisexuality.  We both agreed that bivisibility is a huge issue but even worse for men than for women.  We spoke about how difficult many people find ambivalence and how non-binary identifications are the definition of ambivalence for people who are not non-binary.

We spoke about the difficulties and joys of being a bisexual male.  Cooper said that in the swinging community he reckons a good 80% of the women are bisexual – or at least willing to engage in bisexual activity.  We spoke about how men have encouraged women to explore and he suggested that if women were willing to encourage men more he thought more men would experiment.  He was very clear to say that he wasn’t blaming women for anything, just suggesting that encouragement would help.

We spoke about how communities are not supporting each other at present but instead bickering about levels of privilege, problems and issues.  We agreed this was sad but Cooper said it is like the last rat off a sinking ship syndrome.  There is so much more persecution at present that people fight for scarce resources.

Cooper spoke about a lot of this coming from people being afraid of things they don’t understand.  We highlighted how important it is to learn what turns you on, accept yourself and what turns you on so that you can create a congruent authentic sexual life.  We were both clear that this starts with personal exploration, internal exploration rather than looking to the external world.  We spoke about how difficult it can be to seek help when you are struggling with these issues and how important it is that people have safe places to take these issues.  

Cooper finished by saying that his journey thus far has been wonderful even through the difficult parts and encouraged other men who are unsure to be willing to try.  He emphasised that what you do and who you are may be different things and that doing something once doesn’t change your orientation.

You can find Cooper at http://coopersbeckett.com

There you can find links to his podcast and all of his books.

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sexoo this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

The next five people who review the show will receive 1 session free, a £250 value. See you next week when the letter will be C.

A is for Aphrodisiac

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is A and A is for Aphrodisiac.

Aphrodisiacs are substances that are meant to increase sexual desire and they have been used throughout history.  The name comes from Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love.   

At 16, I spent the summer studying Russian language at Harvard University.  I was young and free and without much supervision in Cambridge, Massachusetts.   I had the time to explore and the atmosphere was magical.  Bill was a tall sexy guy from Puerto Rico living in the same dorm.  I really wanted to seduce him and I wasn’t confident enough to believe he would want me without a complex seduction.    A friend told me that the best aid to seduction is a good aphrodisiac so I invited Bill for drinks and nibbles on Friday evening and headed to the library to plan the menu.  That Friday I served raw oysters, chocolate and champagne and the seduction was successful. 

Did my food choices really act as aphrodisiacs?  Is there anything to them or is it just magical thinking?   The research is conflicting as context appears to have a large impact on whether a substance increases libido.  A lot of research suggests that aphrodisiacs work because we believe they will work.  That is the placebo effect – where it is our own expectations that make the treatment work.    However, there is research that highlights a variety of compounds that seem to regularly work as aphrodisiacs in certain situations. 

I’m going to start my tour of aphrodisiacs with the science – the compounds that science demonstrates work as aphrodisiacs.  For people with low testosterone levels, extra testosterone will increase libido.  This is true for both men and women.  It is unclear, however, whether this works with people who have testosterone levels in the normal range. Transgender people who take testosterone report an increase in sex drive.  There are some people who take it recreationally to increase libido as well.

Phenethylamines are present in food and naturally in the body.  These act as an aphrodisiac but are quickly neutralised by the enzyme MAO-B in food.  The only way to keep the effect is to take an MAO inhibitor.

Amphetamine and methamphetamine are derivatives of phenethylamines and are well known as aphrodisiacs.  The intensity of aphrodisiac effects vary from person to person.  Cocaine and methylphenidate can also act as aphrodisiacs but cocaine in particular can cause erectile dysfunction.   This can be extremely frustrating for the guy who has given cocaine to his date in the hopes that he will get her into bed that night and then finds he can’t perform.  There are other drugs that have increased libido as a side effect but come with such negative consequences that they are never prescribed to help with problems with desire.

Natural aphrodisiacs have always been more interesting to me.  Are the oysters I chose to feed my date really aphrodisiacs and why? Casanova was an 18th century player famous for his conquests.  In his memoirs, he told of seducing over 122 women.  Rumour has it that he ate 50 oysters for breakfast every day.  Dr Fisher, a professor of chemistry from Miami, Florida and his team of researchers discovered that oysters truly do produce amino acids that trigger hormone production which increases libido.  Oysters must be eaten raw to be most effective and the spring is the best time to eat them.

Chili peppers work in a different way.  These stimulate endorphin production which make you feel good but they also increase heart rate, and make you sweat which is what happens during arousal.  It isn’t as direct an effect as oysters.

What about chocolate?  Dark chocolate causes a dopamine spike which gives us a serious spike in feeling good.  It also contains phenylethylamine.  The taste and texture are sensual so all together chocolate can be an excellent aphrodisiac.  The ancient Aztecs first used cacao as a sexual stimulant.  Cacao ceremonies have become popular in the west in the last 15 years.  Raw cacao is specially prepared and shared amongst the participants.  These are said to increase feelings of love, increase sexual desire and increase connection.

Ginseng has been used to increase potency for men and the research has also found it will produce neurogenic effects that can increase libido for both men and women.

Historically, foods that looked like our genitalia were considered to be aphrodisiacs.  Avocados, eggs, asparagus have all been touted as increasing libido.  These have been seen to work on the principles of sympathetic magic.  If they resemble something then they are seen to have a relationship to that thing.  For example, walnuts were used to strengthen the brain because they look like brains. 

In Egyptian times, lilies were consider to be aphrodisiacs.  The scent of a lily was used in oils and unguents to aid in seduction.   In the 8th century BC in Roman times, the remora fish was mixed into potions and sold in the market to induce passion.  In 19th century AD, blowfish was considered to have powerful aphrodisiac effects.  There was only one potential problem.  Blowfish is highly poisonous and will kill you unless prepared properly.  In Japan, fugu is only able to be prepared by licensed chefs. From 2005 – 2014, 359 cases of fugu poisoning were recorded in Japan.  There are only 17 restaurants in the US that offer the delicacy. 

Prior to modern times, aphrodisiacs were used as one of the powerful tools in the arsenal to increase fertility.   Nettles were considered to increase lust and are still used today in herbal fertility preparations.

Some of the historical aphrodisiacs seem to have actual aphrodisiac properties.  Oysters is one of these.   Cinnamon and cardamom are also considered aphrodisiacs because of the increase in blood flow they provoke. Garlic is also known to increase blood flow and improve sexual energy.

Believe it or not, celery has two chemicals androsterone and androsterol that increase libido.  Pomegranates improve blood flow.  Asparagus increases the circulation in the genitourinary system and this leads to increased desire.

Spanish fly which is actually made from beetles, has a long history of provoking intense desire.  It is also an extremely dangerous poison and is lethal in small doses.

One of the best roots, with lots of proven research, is maca root.  There is a significant body of medical evidence that maca will increase libido.   Natural Health International produces three maca products for women that all help increase libido as one of their qualities.  Macapause is for menopausal women.  This helps with libido, hot flashes, dryness and a host of other menopause symptoms.  This product is fantastic.  15 years of research and clinical trials have gone into this product.  You can get advice from the medics for your individual situation on the website: femenessence.com.  They will talk with you live online or via phone.

Some substances that have been used as aphrodisiacs in the east have led to extreme destruction in the animal community.   In traditional eastern medicine, tiger penis is used to treat erectile dysfunction.   Despite the myth that rhino horn was used for the same purpose, experts say it has never been used as an aphrodisiac or in Chinese medicine for that purpose.  Black market dealers in rhino horn from Vietnam have helped to push this Western myth as it increases demand.

Ambergris has been added to scents to create some of the most sensual and aphrodisiac perfumes ever created.  Ambergris is made up of the contents from the intestines of the sperm whale.  It is thought it is primarily the indigestible parts of the squid which irritates the stomach of the sperm whale. It floats on the ocean until it eventually washes up on shore.  The best ambergris spends years oxidising from the combination of salt, sun and air.  The competition to collect it is fierce as it sells for over $9000 per pound.  Possession of ambergris is illegal in the US (and has been since 1972) because it originates from the endangered sperm whale.

The scent of vanilla produces feelings of relaxation and euphoria and is often used as an effective aphrodisiac.  Researchers found the smell of liquorice to be the scent that aroused women the most.

Sandalwood has been used in tantric sex rituals forever.  It is associated with increasing the power of orgasm.  Jasmine contains indole which is a compound also found around human genitals.  It is one of the most long lived aphrodisiac scents.

Peppermint is the scent most likely to be successful in boosting a woman’s low libido.  It also wakes us up and keeps us alert.

Alcohol has been traditionally used as an aphrodisiac throughout the ages.  Alcohol is a system depressant.  It slows us down, reduces inhibitions and makes us more receptive to the seducer’s advances.  Of course this only works when alcohol is used in moderation.  Too much alcohol and erections don’t happen.  Too much alcohol and people fall asleep. 

Here are some of the recipes I use if I want to get my lover in the mood:

• Raw oysters. Make sure they are fresh and don’t open them until you are preparing to serve.  I serve with a little cocktail sauce (a small amount of horseradish, ketchup, lemon.  Some people add Worcestershire sauce and others add tabasco).
• Chocolate fondant. This one will take about 45 minutes to make.  I use 200g good quality dark chocolate chopped into pieces.  The better the chocolate, the better the dessert.  Follow the link for the full recipe.
• Chicken with saffron and raisins I eliminate the sherry and add extra chicken broth.
• Vanilla Bean Lemonade This yummy take on fresh lemonade is great in the autumn when you are experiencing Indian summer.
• Pine Nut Brittle Pine nuts are chock full of zinc just like oysters and produce the same aphrodisiac results.  This little sweet is delicious to munch with a cup of tea or a drink.
• Chocolate cake with chocolate buttercream For all you chocoholics this is a delicious rich recipe.  Sometimes, I switch the buttercream for chocolate whipped cream.
• Fensenjan (Persian chicken with pomegranate)  This is a scrumptious sensual dish.  Sometimes I use whole chicken thighs and other times I substitute duck.  Sometimes I change the walnuts for pecans.  Serve with your favourite rice.  I enjoy serving it with saffron rice which adds to the aphrodisiac qualities.
• A mocktail from the NYC museum of sex Nightflower
• And another from NYC museum of sex Lucky Devil
• Healthy Fudge (with raw cacao) Finally here’s a recipe to take advantage of the bliss producing raw cacao. Use raw cacao powder not cocoa powder.  Quality counts.  Get the best you can.

Remember to check with your intended about food allergies.  If you plan to seduce your lover into the bedroom, don’t prepare a meal that is too big.  You don’t want to be too full to be comfortable being physical.

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.  For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Why not join me for my free teleseminar on 11 October https:/the-intimacy-coach.com/3-steps/ to learn my 3 steps to Sexual Satisfaction. See you next week when the letter is B.

Z is for Zipless Fuck

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is Z and Z is for Zipless Fuck…

A zipless fuck is sex with no strings.  For many people this means anonymous sex but for others it simply means casual sex.

Erica Jong, author of Fear of Flying coined this term in 1973. She said ‘The zipless fuck is absolutely pure.  It’s free of ulterior motives.  There is no power game.  The man is not ‘taking’ and the woman is not ‘giving’.  No one is attempting to cuckhold a husband or humiliate a wife.  No one is trying to prove anything or get anything out of anyone.  The zipless fuck is the purest thing there is.  And it is rare than a unicorn.  I have never had one.  It is called zipless because when you came together, zippers fell away like rose petals, underwear blew off in one breath like dandelion fluff.  For the true ultimate zipless A-1 fuck, it was necessary that you never got to know the man very well.’

A zipless fuck should provide pure pleasure and energise as a result.   Erica Jong felt that to achieve this, the parties could not know each other because in knowing each other different agendas would come into play.  Recently, Ms Jong said that she felt it was impossible to find a zipless fuck and that in fact she felt the best sex was with people that you know.

In a zipless fuck, you are free to project anything onto your partner.  You can make him or her into the ideal in every way.   If the sex is truly fantastic, this can become your unattainable ideal for the future.    Everyone you meet is compared to this mysterious lover with whom you had an amazing sexual encounter.    Everyone is compared to this unattainable ideal.    This can overshadow perfectly delicious experiences with people you know or are getting to know well.  If the zipless fuck does overshadow, you have missed the point. 

The point of the experience is that it be liberating.  Once liberated, there is no need to repeat the experience every week or every month.  Once you have had a transformational experience, you move on to new levels of learning.   Of course, this is only true if you see the zipless fuck as an opportunity for learning and for ‘pure’ experience.  You may view it as simply the opportunity for some great no strings sex.

Casual sex has changed quite a lot since Ms Jong wrote about zipless fucks in 1973.    In the 80’s, the discovery of AIDS gave pause to many who engaged in casual sex.   The idea of simply meeting without words, engaging in hot and heavy sex and then parting with not a comment being made began to disappear.  Conversations about safe sex were necessary before sex could begin.  At least that was the case for people who wanted to avoid STI’s. 

Friends with benefits became a more popular choice than one night stands.  Though knowing someone in other contexts doesn’t necessarily translate to knowing whether they indulge in safe or unsafe sexual behaviour. In the UK, diagnoses for sexually transmitted infections rose in 2012 by 5%.   This despite lots of public education as to the risks of unprotected sex. 

Aaron discovered a love for sex with men through a zipless fuck.  Aaron is 33 single and had identified as heterosexual.  He works in banking which brings a high salary but long hours and little time for maintaining relationships.  He has had a couple long term relationships that ended as a result of his career.  Aaron isn’t ready to settle down and describes himself as having a healthy sexual appetite.  Aaron has always been curious about sex with men.  He has fantasised about men since he was in his teens.  He never found himself in the situation to test out his attractions and is clear that he doesn’t want to debate sexual orientation. 

Aaron signed on to Grindr and created a profile as a bisexual man.   After a week, he matched with Jeff.  Jeff was Aaron’s physical opposite.  Short and blond with blue eyes.  Muscular like a lifter.  Aaron sent Jeff a message and they arranged a meet.   The attraction was immediate and strong.  They spent the night enacting all of Aaron’s fantasies.  He left the next morning with a new understanding of his own desires. 

What is the attraction of seeking that anonymous, ‘pure’ sexual experience?  For many, the primary attraction is the opportunity to focus on their own pleasure and nothing else.   Not knowing their partner means not worrying about what the person thinks or feels or even if the person gains satisfaction from the experience.    It is a place where you can experiment without being concerned about judgement.   It is an opportunity to explore without having to discuss the implications the next day. 

In relationships, changing up how you have sex and when you have sex can have long lasting implications.  Lots of conversation and negotiation may be necessary if you are introducing any type of sexual activity that is outside of the norm.  But in a zipless encounter, there is only negotiation on the day and no worries about the next day or the one after that.    

Hook ups are the current version of zipless fucks and are greatly aided by apps made specifically for the purpose.    Grindr is the most popular for gay and bisexual men.   Pure for heterosexuals.  Whiplr for kinky sex.  HER for lesbian and bisexual women.  Tindr, OKCupid are still used this way but also for finding more lasting relationships.  Once prides itself on using human matchmakers to send your one person per day.  I suspect they are looking at relationship building rather than hook-ups though.

I apologise for repeating myself – but safe sex is essential in any kind of casual hook-up.  Before you head out, don’t forget to protect yourself by being risk aware.

Having sex with a stranger is a high-risk activity.   Know this when you decide to engage.

To lower your risks:

Make sure that a family member or friend knows where you will be and when you are expected home.

Take a note from the BDSM players book and set up a safe call:

A safe call is where you have a friend or family member telephone you at a certain time to ensure you are safe.  You pick a phrase that means you are fine and one that means you are not so that when you answer the phone, you can easily let the friend know without letting the person you are with know what you are saying.  

Practice safe sex.  Bring condoms, dental dams, gloves.  And bring extra – you might want to have sex a few times!

Even though rough in the alley sex may have an extra kick, to lower risk choose to rent the hotel or motel room so that people are more likely to notice if something is wrong.

Penny is an attractive brunette in her 50’s.  She’s a CEO of a small company and her work takes up a large portion of her life.  Most of the men Penny meets through work are not men she feels safe dating or starting sexual relationships with.  She has been attracted to people who have worked for her and didn’t pursue the relationships because of a fear of her pursuit being seen as harassment.  Attraction to a competitor raises other issues.  Penny has always believed it was a bad idea to have a relationship in the work place. 

Penny decided to rely on a matchmaking service to meet someone for a long-term relationship.  While she was awaiting her ‘perfect man’, she looked for places to enjoy sexual encounters.  One of Penny’s friends told her about a private party where people could hook-up and enjoy without strings.  Penny attended her first party with her friend since there is nothing worse than walking into that type of environment alone and nervous. 

There were about 50 people at the party.  Penny noticed a tall man with steel grey curly hair within the first 30 minutes.  When he finally came and said hello, she was mesmerised by his hazel eyes.   They spoke for a few minutes and headed off to a private play space.   Penny enjoyed the sex immensely.  After an hour, she met her friend back at the bar.  After a couple of drinks and some comparing of notes, Penny spotted an olive skinned man with a thick matt of salt and pepper fur on his chest.  She excused herself and went to meet this bear of a man.  She ended the night in his arms.   

Penny attended parties for a year before the matchmaker helped her to find her perfect match for a long-term relationship.  For her, zipless fucks helped to meet her needs without demanding too much time or any commitment.

A few people have written in recently with questions.  Owen asked if not telling a partner about a one night stand is really infidelity.   In my opinion, infidelity involves deception and the breaking of agreements.  Deception can be out and out lying or it can be omission.  Owen if your agreement with your partner is that you are monogamous then a one night stand is infidelity.  It is against your agreement and you are hiding it. 

There are people who agree to a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ rule.  Usually there are parameters like: It’s only OK when you are away from home.  Or you cannot give out contact details.  In these situations, a one night stand may not be seen as infidelity. This is because there is the agreement that some non-monogamy is acceptable.

Rachel wrote in to ask about finding safe partners for casual sex.  There is no guarantee of ‘safe’.  But there are more safe and less safe ways of engaging in casual sex.  More safe: Meet in person first instead of on line.  Take the time to size the person up when you have met them.  Any uncomfortable feeling and you should abandon the encounter.    Make sure to use condoms, gloves and dental dams for all sexual encounters.    

If you want to engage in kinky sex, BDSM or power exchange to be safer take time to get to know someone before engaging.  Get references if you can or better yet, watch the person in a public setting – notice how they treat people (including restaurant staff, service personnel).  Make your assessment after observing for a while.  Make sure to trust your gut.

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.  Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.  Why not join me for my free teleseminar on 11 October https:/the-intimacy-coach.com/3-steps/ to learn my 3 steps to Sexual Satisfaction. See you next week when we will start the 3rd series of the A to Z of SexÒ Podcast with the letter A and is for Aphrodisiac.

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Y and Y is for Yoni. 

Yoni is a term that comes from Sanskrit and means womb, uterus, vagina, vulva, abode and source.  In Hindu philosophy, Yoni is the beginning of life.

Joining me today to talk about all things Yoni is Michele Brookhaus.

Michele Brookhaus RSHom(NA), CCH, passionately embraces her mission as Yoni whisperer and soother of all things feminine. As Creator of Yoni Bliss, a homeopathic medicinal as well as a personal exploration and healing of both the physical and metaphysical vulva/womb, she fiercely acknowledges the power of the Yoni to direct and defend woman’s innate creativity and capacity for unbounded pleasure, wisdom and satisfaction.

20 years a homeopath and healer she studies with world renowned teachers in the fields of homeopathy, energy healing, neurolinguistic programming and other modalities. She loves honing her skills and is a healer of healers and mentor of mentors.

As a thought leader picked up by Huffington Post, Prevention, the Good Men Project, as well as Thought Catalogue, The Vaccine Reaction and Yahoo Parenting, she is tickled to find herself on the forefront of women’s empowerment, helping women remember and find the truth in, and the possibility of pleasure, fun and satisfaction.

 Yoni Bliss chose her as CEO (chief exhilaration officer),  because she has come to KNOW that enough is enough. Her own Yoni has rooted her in this knowing. And so she offers not just a product, but classes, retreats, individual sessions both virtually and in person for women wishing to know this for themselves. Sensual, Wise, Satisfied, that’s her call to you. 

Michele lives in the Pacific Northwest, and her 23 year old inspirational son does too (though far enough away so she doesn’t bug him too much0  She loves Bikram yoga, Salsa dancing, and listening to her Yoni.

Welcome to the show!

We started by talking about the idea of Yoni as source and how it is so important to be connected into the yoni.  We spoke about this being the centre for women and that this is the location of the root chakra.  Yoni is centre of creativity and of balance and that this applies whether or not a woman has children.

We spoke about the lack of rites of passage in modern times and how the information that would have been passed on about sex and pleasure in the past through these rites is often not being passed on.  We spoke about the importance of these rites in transitions and how new ones might be created.  We talked a lot about dealing with the grief often held in the Yoni and Michele said that she chose her remedies in Yoni’s Bliss to focus on grief and irritability.

Michele spoke about the wise woman crone and how that image has changed as we are now living longer and how important it is that we teach younger women and lead by example.  

Michele can be found at http://www.yonisbliss.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/YonisBliss/?ref=bookmarks

Twitter: @yonisbliss

Michele offers a free 20 minute consultation to see if a VIP (very important pussy) day is in order.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn how to awaken your authenticity, arouse your sexuality and ignite your desire.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.   If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Sticher and please subscribe! Join me next week when the letter will be Z.