The A to Z of Sex

H is for Hanky Code

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is H and H is for Hanky Code.    I am giving a trigger warning for today because as I go through the whole hanky code, I will mention fetishes that might make you feel uncomfortable, disgusted or trigger a negative reaction.

 

The Handkerchief Code (also known as hanky code, bandana code, or flagging) was originally used by gay men to signal what type of sex they were into.  There are a couple of theories of where this began.   The stranger theory is that after the Gold Rush, San Francisco was overrun with men.  Since there weren’t enough women at dances, men danced together and the ones who were leading (the male role) wore a blue hanky and those who followed (the female role) wore a red hanky.  Frankly, this theory seems a bit unlikely to me.   

 

Flagging using keys (left pocket for top, right pocket for bottom) began in the 50’s and 60’s and was one of the ways that gay men could recognise each other.  All through this time, gay sex was illegal in most localities so being able to tell if someone was interested in you without admitting openly that you were gay. 

 

The second theory was that in 1971 or so, a journalist for the Village Voice (the first alternative newspaper which came from New York City – caters to creates and alternative lifestyles), suggested that instead of wearing keys in the left pocket (top) or the right pocket (bottom) hankies of different colours could give more information about what someone really likes.  This makes more sense to me but has not gone beyond urban legend. It seems no one really knows how this got started.  But get started it did, and in 1982 it was included in the Leatherman’s Handbook.  It was a small code at first, with only a 10 categories signalled and used exclusively by gay men.   In fact, many people suggested that the code wasn’t as important as the fact that it highlighted spaces where these activities took place and people who are open to these activities.   

 

 

The use of the code has spread.  It is now common with gay males looking for casual sex, people of all orientations who practice BDSM and in the US, Canada, Europe, Australia, New Zealand.  It is not as widely used as in the past, but it is worth knowing and is an easy way to communicate in noisy environments.  The code has expanded as well.  Traditionally, hankies are worn in the back pocket.  Now they are also worn around the wrist, ankle, leg (on the thigh above the knee) or around the neck with the tie on the left side to signify top, right side to signify bottom and centre to mean switch.

 

One of the current expanded code looks like this:

Black: Heavy S&M (left = dominant, right = submissive)

Grey:  Bondage (left = top, right = bottom)

Black with white check: Safe sex (left = top, right = bottom)

Grey with Black: Light S&M (left = top, right = bottom)

Grey flannel: Left = Wears suits, right = likes men in suits

Black with white strip = left = likes black bottoms, right = likes black tops

Charcoal: latex fetish (left = top, right = bottom)

Black velvet: videos (left = has/takes videos, right = will perform for the camera)

Light blue: head (left = wants, right = cocksucker)

Light blue with white stripe: sailor (left =sailor, right = likes sailors)

Light blue with white dots: white (left = wants head from whites, right = white cocksucker

Light blue with black dots: black (left = wants head from blacks, right = black cocksucker)

Light blue with brown dots: Latino (left = wants head from Latinos, right = Latino cocksucker

Light blue with yellow dots: Asian (left = wants head from Asians, right = Asian cocksucker

Robin’s egg blue: left = wants 69, right = doesn’t want 69

Medium blue: left = cop, right = cop sucker

Navy blue: Fucking (left = top/fucker, right = fuckee/bottom)

Air force blue: left = pilot/flight attendant, right = likes flyboys

Teal blue: cock/ball torture (left = torturer, right = torturee)

Red: Fisting  (left = fucker, right = fuckee)

Red with white stripe: Shaving (left = shaver, right = shavee)

Red with black strip: Bears (Left = bear, right = likes bears)

Red gingham: park sex (left = top, right = bottom) (This is public sex for those of you who don’t know.  It originally comes from the term parking which was having sex in a car.  Actually, it started with necking in a car and progressed from there.  It was very popular in the 60’s – 80’s and then a resurgence in the early 2000’s)

Maroon: Blood sports (left = cutter, right = bleeds)   People who enjoy blood sports enjoy cutting, seeing the blood and sometimes ingesting it

Dark red:  2 handed fisting (left = fister, right = fistee)  Yes this is fisting with two hands at once.

Light pink: Dildos (left = dildo fucker, right = dildo fuckee)

Dark pink: Tit torture (left = torturer, right = torturee)

Mauve: Navels.  (left = likes belly buttons, right = likes belly button being worshipped)

Fuschia: Spanking (left = top, right = bottom)

Magenta: Armpits (left = likes armpits being sucked, right = loves armpits)

Purple: Piercing (left = piercer, right = piercing)  Most of these are ‘play’ piercings.  The person does not intend them to be permanent so the needle or jewellery is taken out at the end of the session.  Training is needed to do this safely.

Lavender: Drag (left = likes drag queens, right = drag queen)

Yellow: Watersports (left = pisses, right = likes receiving piss)

Pale yellow: Spit (left = spitter, right = likes being spit on)

Mustard: Large penis  (left = hung – 8 inches or more, right = wants a big dick)

Gold: Triad/Ménage a Trois (left = couple looking for 1, right = 1 looking for couple)

Yellow with white stripe: Left = likes Asian bottoms, right =  likes Asian tops

Gold lame: Muscle boys (left = likes muscle boy bottom, right = likes muscle boy top)

Orange: Left = anything, anytime, right = not now, just cruising

Apricot: Left = two tons of fun, right = chubby chaser

Coral: Left = Likes having toes sucked, right = toe sucker aka shrimper

Kelly green: Rent boy (left = for rent, right = looking to hire)

Hunter green: Left = daddy, right = boy

Olive drag: left = military top, right = military bottom

Beige: left = rimmer, right = rimmee (If you don’t know, rimming is licking and sucking on someone’s asshole)

Brown: scat (faeces) (left = top, right = bottom)

Brown lace: Left = uncircumcised penis, right = likes uncircumcised penis

Brown satin: left = circumcised penis, right = likes circumcised penis

Brown corduroy: Left = headmaster, right = student

Brown with white stripe: left = likes Latino bottoms, right = likes Latino tops

Fur: This is a controversial one.  Some say it is for Furries – people who are adopting animal personae and dress as the animal and have sex – so then left is top, right is bottom.  Others say it is actually for bestiality which is having sex with animals. This is not only illegal but non-consensual.

White: Hand job  (left = receiver, right = giver and himself)

Cream: (left = cums in condoms, right = sucks cum out of condoms)

White lace: Left = like white bottoms, right = likes white tops

White velvet: Left = voyeur/likes to watch, right = exhibitionist/will put on a show

White with multicolour dots: left = hosting an orgy, right = looking for an orgy

Silver lame: Left = star fucker, right = celebrity

Leopard: left = has tattoos, right = likes tattoos

Tan: Left = cigar top, right = cigar bottom  Cigar play revolves around the smoke and the ash of the cigar.  Bottoms learn to prepare a cigar for smoking, may have smoke blown in their faces, and may be used as an ashtray.  Their hands can be used or they can learn to take an ash safely in the mouth.  Some put the lit cigar close to the flesh without creating burns. 

 

There are others that have been added but are not necessarily universal.  For example, a hanky with a fire pattern on it signifies fire play, a piece of cling film/saran wrap = mummification, hounds tooth = biting/likes to be bitten.

 

There are many fetishes that are not yet represented in this code.    Interestingly, they are not all rare fetishes.  For example, electro sex which is very common.  Electro sex is using electricity as part of sexual play.  There are a variety of toys made explicitly to do this.  It can be very mild stimulation or quite sharp and intense.  Toys range from an old fashioned violet wand to new electro-stim toys.  Violet wands were originally used as medical devices.  Then they were used as beauty devices (and sometimes still are).  In the early 1900’s, these were medical devices used to cure all sorts of things.  The glass electrodes come in all sorts of creative shapes from a comb used to help with headaches to a light bulb.  The gas running through the electrodes creates a colourful glow (colour depending on the gas). 

 

Though the hanky code seems to be declining in some areas, it is still useful.   You are most likely to see people flagging at leather events and by knowing the code, you start with some extra information about that attractive person you have been watching.

 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

Are you ready to find out what turns you on?  Take the Test by heading over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com and clicking on the button that says Take the Test.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

Join me next week for the letter I and I is for #ITalkSex.

G is for Great Sex

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is G and G is for Great Sex

When I am out and about meeting people I am often asked what makes great sex. Since individual tastes and desires are so unique, it might seem a hard question to answer. But with a bit of research, I found that great sex has a number of things in common.

1 High levels of attraction. Face it, if you don’t fancy the person, the sex won’t be that great. Fancying goes way beyond visual appearance and attraction. All of our senses come into play with attraction as does energy or presence. Did you ever feel drawn to someone? Like you just had to be near them? Standing next to them causes you to feel a burning through your body? That’s the energy of attraction. My sense of smell is super important when it comes to sex. If someone doesn’t smell right, I can’t even consider sex no matter what else is attracting me. Many years ago, I tried to override this because the man was so sexy, so loving and the relationship was excellent. Robert was neat and clean so it wasn’t poor hygiene. But even using a cologne or a parfum that I adore did not change the fact that his own personal scent turned me off. I have a friend for whom voice is the most important sense in her attractions. If someone has an accent she doesn’t like or a high squeaky voice, she’s done.

2 Presence. I know I mentioned presence and energy under attraction. It bears mentioning again. Great sex happens when you and your partner are full present in the moment. What do I mean by this? You are fully present when you are completely focused on what you are doing and experiencing and being in the here and now. This is true mindfulness. When you are able to be fully present during sex and your partner is too, the sex is usually mind blowing. Everything flows. You feel like one being – merging and separating and merging again. Completely connected on all levels. When you aren’t fully present, you know it. You are in your head working through your to do list or thinking about the row you had last night. You may still reach orgasm and have a good time but it won’t be great sex.

3 Plenty of Time. Now there are some exceptions to this rule. I can think of at least two quickies I had that were fantastic – however, when I actually look at those experiences in detail, they really did take plenty of time. Sex starts long before the physical connection between bodies. Arousal beings in the mind so great sex always starts there. There is the anticipation from fantasising about the love making to come. Sometimes foreplay begins with phone calls, emails, letters or texts and anticipation begins there. This can go on for ages. One of the quickies I thought of actually had a 6 week build up until I could finally visit my lover. The actual physical sex didn’t last long but that was just the finale. As a rule, if you take your time with foreplay, build anticipation, come close to orgasm and then back off of it only to build up again, you will have great sex. Many women feel that well planned sexual escapades and experiences are the ones that produce great sex. It is the time involved that take these experiences from good to great.

4 Being an expert on your body and your desires. Great sex happens most often when you really know what trips your trigger. If you are an expert, you can guide your partner during their exploration of all that is you. You don’t have to tell them everything in words (though that can be useful and also really hot). You can leave hints and let them know as they touch you what feels hottest.

G is for Great Sex

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is G and G is for Great Sex

 

When I am out and about meeting people I am often asked what makes great sex.   Since individual tastes and desires are so unique, it might seem a hard question to answer.   But with a bit of research, I found that great sex has a number of things in common. 

 

1          High levels of attraction.  Face it, if you don’t fancy the person, the sex won’t be that great.  Fancying goes way beyond visual appearance and attraction.  All of our senses come into play with attraction as does energy or presence.  Did you ever feel drawn to someone?  Like you just had to be near them?  Standing next to them causes you to feel a burning through your body? That’s the energy of attraction.    My sense of smell is super important when it comes to sex.  If someone doesn’t smell right, I can’t even consider sex no matter what else is attracting me.  Many years ago, I tried to override this because the man was so sexy, so loving and the relationship was excellent.  Robert was neat and clean so it wasn’t poor hygiene.  But even using a cologne or a parfum that I adore did not change the fact that his own personal scent turned me off.   I have a friend for whom voice is the most important sense in her attractions.  If someone has an accent she doesn’t like or a high squeaky voice, she’s done. 

 

2          Presence.  I know I mentioned presence and energy under attraction.  It bears mentioning again.  Great sex happens when you and your partner are full present in the moment.    What do I mean by this?  You are fully present when you are completely focused on what you are doing and experiencing and being in the here and now.  This is true mindfulness.  When you are able to be fully present during sex and your partner is too, the sex is usually mind blowing.  Everything flows.  You feel like one being – merging and separating and merging again.    Completely connected on all levels.    When you aren’t fully present, you know it.  You are in your head working through your to do list or thinking about the row you had last night.  You may still reach orgasm and have a good time but it won’t be great sex.

 

3          Plenty of Time.   Now there are some exceptions to this rule.  I can think of at least two quickies I had that were fantastic – however, when I actually look at those experiences in detail, they really did take plenty of time.  Sex starts long before the physical connection between bodies.  Arousal beings in the mind so great sex always starts there.  There is the anticipation from fantasising about the love making to come.  Sometimes foreplay begins with phone calls, emails, letters or texts and anticipation begins there.  This can go on for ages.  One of the quickies I thought of actually had a 6 week build up until I could finally visit my lover.  The actual physical sex didn’t last long but that was just the finale.    As a rule, if you take your time with foreplay, build anticipation, come close to orgasm and then back off of it only to build up again, you will have great sex.    Many women feel that well planned sexual escapades and experiences are the ones that produce great sex.  It is the time involved that take these experiences from good to great.

 

4          Being an expert on your body and your desires.  Great sex happens most often when you really know what trips your trigger.  If you are an expert, you can guide your partner during their exploration of all that is you.  You don’t have to tell them everything in words (though that can be useful and also really hot).    You can leave hints and let them know as they touch you what feels hottest. 

 

5          Being a great student.  When you are a great student, you study your subject and take the time to learn in as much detail.  If you apply yourself to learning your lover like you would to preparing for a major exam, you have a much better chance that sex between you will be great sex.    Listen for the fantasies in their stories.  Learn what they loved from past sexual partners.  Find out what didn’t work for them.  Use all of your senses to learn.  Pay attention to the books, music, TV and cinema that they enjoy for clues.  Notice what environments they love being in and the ones they shun.    If Emily absolutely hates being out in the country, planning a dirty weekend away in a country idyll is not going to produce the best results. 

 

6          Be an expert listener.  Everyone loves someone who listens well.  It just feels so good to be heard.  In fact, it is essential to mental health for us to be heard and seen for who we are.  If you are able to listen with no judgement and total acceptance to another person, you will have your choice of partners forever.  Part of being an expert listener is learning how to pay attention and be interested in the other person instead of being interesting.  Focusing attention on another can be challenging in intimate situations, especially if your experience of emotional intimacy is that it always turns painful.    This is a skill that can be learned.  I often have people I coach practice focusing attention on another and just staying present.    Being interested is easy once you can focus on someone without wavering.  You simply encourage the person to talk and respond with acknowledgements and without judgement.  If you focus your full attention on something or someone you will always find something interesting.    Try this the next time you are stuck waiting in a dentist’s office or a doctor’s office.  Instead of heading for the internet, email or social media, pick up one of those out of date magazines in the waiting room.  Put your full focus on a couple of the articles.  Then notice how you’re feeling about the articles changes.    Finally, make sure that you are not judgmental.  Expert listening requires you be open to all that a person has to say to you.  If you are judging, you are no longer paying attention to the person.   It is incredibly sad to me that people rarely experience conversations and interactions where they don’t experience judgement from others.   If you grow up with a parent (or parents) judging you, you will internalise this and so even when others don’t judge you, you may be judging yourself.    Work on turning off that inner critic and this will benefit you and the person you are listening to. 

 

7 Become an expert communicator.  When you are able to talk about your needs, desires, interests, sex is always better.  When you are able to talk about your gender and sexual orientation, your sexual identity, sex is always better.  The more authentic and congruent you can be with your lovers, the better your relationship and your sexual experiences.  To be an expert communicator, you must identify and own your feelings.   Expert communicators are able to describe their feelings, thoughts, needs, desires and limits in a variety of ways.  Expert communicators are open and willing to answer questions. 

 

8 Be spontaneous.  The number one killer of a great sex life is boredom.  Recent research highlighted that by introducing regular spontaneous sex, couples relationships improved, overall life satisfaction improved and they gained 1 ½ days per week of happiness over what they had prior to becoming more spontaneous.  Spontaneous sex doesn’t mean quickie at the end of the day.  It doesn’t necessarily mean no planning.    Spontaneous is outside of your normal routine.  So, if you take your partner to a romantic hotel on the spur of the moment and ravish her once you get there – the whole experience is spontaneous. 

 

9 Play.    Sex isn’t always serious and play isn’t always light hearted.  People who are able to relax and explore find it easier to turn sex into adult play time.  They explore new roles, using toys, creating role plays, kinks and new sex positions.  Sometimes things are funny before they become intensely sexy and some of the best sex can come after the role play goes wrong and you are laughing uncontrollably.    Role plays can be deep, sexy and serious.  Kink and BDSM sessions are often called ‘play’ yet they are often intense sessions and scenes.  Draw on the skills you had as a child to be imaginative.  You can be imaginative when creating a role or character, a scene or in finding uses for everyday items.  You can use your imagination to change a place into a fantasy location.    Be willing to look silly or be silly and know that your lover will enter into the game with you.  Experiment. 

 

10 Surrender.   Great sex requires you to surrender control at some point during the proceedings.  Orgasm demands at least a partial loss of control and the best orgasms are the ones where your walls dissolve away and you lose complete control.  If you are able to surrender to your partner, they can take you on an ecstasy filled dance.    Letting go is often one of the hardest things for people to do in many areas of life.  I never tell a client to just ‘let go’ of something or ‘let it go’ because so often the response is ‘if I knew how to let go, I would do it!’  People usually don’t choose to hold on to their issues and traumas.  They just don’t have a method to let them go.  A good therapist or a good coach can help you learn to surrender and also help you to transfer this skill into your sexual and intimate life.

 

11 Follow your intuition or gut instinct.   The best sex I have ever had has been the product of following my intuition and surrendering.  Your intuition will lead often you towards the best connections and warn you when you are following a path that isn’t healthy.

 

12 Be comfortable in your own skin.   The more comfortable you are in your own skin, the easier it is for you to stay in the here and now, be present with your lover and enjoy the sensations that arise from what they are doing to and with you.  When you are uncomfortable in your skin, you tend to focus on the things that worry you about yourself and this takes you away from the sexual experience.    When you are comfortable in your own skin, you are free to focus on your lover and not worry about any judgement about your body, yourself, how you look. 

 

That completes my list of the things that make up great sex.  If any of these areas cause you difficulty, consider working with a sex therapist and/or sex coach so that you can be on your best form and so you have consistently great sex.

 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

Are you ready to find out what turns you on?

Take the Test .  If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter H.

F is for Freedom, Sexual Freedom

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is F and F is for Freedom, Sexual Freedom.

Sexual freedom means different things to different people. For some, it is the freedom to love who you love and express your sexuality in the way that feels nature to you. For others, it has to do with equality.

Joining me today to talk about freedom are Dr Heilke and Jonathan Hudson. They have committed their lives to changing the way men and women experience relationships and sexuality. In a world where fear, past hurt and shame keeps people from the closeness and depth they desire, this couple is passionate about teaching new ways of relating. What they have named ‘sextraordinary living’, is today’s modern and healthy blueprint to live a truly turned on life, in and outside the bedroom, where men and women get exactly what they need and want without the drama. One of the ways in which they help couples to gain sexual freedom is through somatic sexual healing.

They started with a definition of somatic sexual healing. They spoke about how our trauma is stuck in the body and that when this is released, healing occurs. They discussed the fact that the body (somatic) memory is separate from the mind memory and how full healing results from releasing trapped energy and trapped trauma from both.

Dr Heilke highlighted that for women safety is one of the biggest issues. She pointed out that many women become spiritual in an effort to be safe and don’t fully enter into their bodies. John talked about men being more sexual but not being connected to their heart so that they don’t experience intimacy. Both spoke of the transformation that can occur when people are able to release the root trauma and the energy that has been trapped in the body. At this point, the person is free to experience and express sexuality in a myriad of ways.

We spoke of the importance of boundaries and consent and teaching this on a much deeper level that preserves the importance of pleasure instead of only focusing on the negative aspects of violations. They spoke about the fact that the work they do can result in astonishing transformations and that they rely on the body wisdom and intuition as a guide during sessions.

We talked about the importance of being present in our relationships and especially during sexual relationships and how often people find this difficult. We spoke of the fear people have of letting go and surrendering and the fact that orgasm requires letting go of control. They brought a few case examples to illustrate the types of issues people have worked on and what the transformations have looked like.

John said that he has had a number of clients who came in with erectile dysfunction and left without problems after their work. They both spoke of taking away the goals and plans around sex and teaching people to show up fully and follow their intuition. They both spoke of the woman being the keeper of the sexual fires and that women need to feel safe enough to explore and express their full authentic sexuality.

We spoke about sexual energy being part of the sacred and that this is the energy we use for everything. We talked about the healing that comes from connecting to sexual energy/source energy and how integrating sexuality into the sacred is transformative in more than just the area of relationships.

Dr Heilke and John have offered several awesome free gifts at

http://www.pleasureupgrade.com/ (www.pleasureupgrade.com)

WEBSITE: www.sextraordinaryliving.com

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions...

F is for Freedom, Sexual Freedom

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is F and F is for Freedom, Sexual Freedom.

 

Sexual freedom means different things to different people.  For some, it is the freedom to love who you love and express your sexuality in the way that feels nature to you.  For others, it has to do with equality.

 

Joining me today to talk about freedom are Dr Heilke and Jonathan Hudson.  They have committed their lives to changing the way men and women experience relationships and sexuality.  In a world where fear, past hurt and shame keeps people from the closeness and depth they desire, this couple is passionate about teaching new ways of relating.  What they have named ‘sextraordinary living’, is today’s modern and healthy blueprint to live a truly turned on life, in and outside the bedroom, where men and women get exactly what they need and want without the drama.  One of the ways in which they help couples to gain sexual freedom is through somatic sexual healing.

 

They started with a definition of somatic sexual healing.  They spoke about how our trauma is stuck in the body and that when this is released, healing occurs.  They discussed the fact that the body (somatic) memory is separate from the mind memory and how full healing results from releasing trapped energy and trapped trauma from both.

 

Dr Heilke highlighted that for women safety is one of the biggest issues.  She pointed out that many women become spiritual in an effort to be safe and don’t fully enter into their bodies.  John talked about men being more sexual but not being connected to their heart so that they don’t experience intimacy.  Both spoke of the transformation that can occur when people are able to release the root trauma and the energy that has been trapped in the body.  At this point, the person is free to experience and express sexuality in a myriad of ways. 

 

We spoke of the importance of boundaries and consent and teaching this on a much deeper level that preserves the importance of pleasure instead of only focusing on the negative aspects of violations.  They spoke about the fact that the work they do can result in astonishing transformations and that they rely on the body wisdom and intuition as a guide during sessions. 

 

We talked about the importance of being present in our relationships and especially during sexual relationships and how often people find this difficult.  We spoke of the fear people have of letting go and surrendering and the fact that orgasm requires letting go of control.  They brought a few case examples to illustrate the types of issues people have worked on and what the transformations have looked like.

 

John said that he has had a number of clients who came in with erectile dysfunction and left without problems after their work.  They both spoke of taking away the goals and plans around sex and teaching people to show up fully and follow their intuition.  They both spoke of the woman being the keeper of the sexual fires and that women need to feel safe enough to explore and express their full authentic sexuality. 

 

We spoke about sexual energy being part of the sacred and that this is the energy we use for everything.  We talked about the healing that comes from connecting to sexual energy/source energy and how integrating sexuality into the sacred is transformative in more than just the area of relationships.

 

Dr Heilke and John have offered several awesome free gifts at

www.pleasureupgrade.com

 

WEBSITE: www.sextraordinaryliving.com

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! Is BDSM or Power Exchange for You?

Are you already involved but want to improve things?

Take the test to find out about your kinky quotient https://the-intimacy-coach.com/kinkyquotient .

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter F.

E is for Egregious Harm

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is E and E is for Egregious Harm. Egregious means outstandingly bad and/or shocking.

This may seem a strange topic for me to pick, but in the last few weeks the press has been filled with stories about sexual harassment, sexual touching without consent. Most of the recent stories come from television and film industry and politics. But many industries (like banking for example) are rife with scandals around sexual harassment and also sexual favours in order to get better jobs or bonuses.

This week I want to first look a bit at what happens when someone is violated or touched without consent and then look at why we, as a society, seem to have so much trouble getting rid of this problem.

Part of the issue is that defining violation and/or sexual harassment is subjective. Many times, harassment comes in the form of innuendo and pressure to do something. The issue as to whether consent has been granted then becomes the focal point. When the pressure to have sex with a boss is that a job will be lost or a promotion will not be forthcoming, many people go ahead and accept the sexual contact. The issue is then more complicated as the consent is given grudgingly but it is still given.

Of course, when we look at consent, we have to look at whether a person is able to give or deny consent freely. If you believe you will lose a job if you don’t consent, you are not free to choose. Woman’s Watch highlights the definition of sexual harassment that is commonly accepted speaks of unwelcome behaviour and clearly highlights that a person may engage in the behaviour and accept the advances even though they really don’t want to because they fear losing a job or other negative consequences. As a result, they are not truly consenting.

In the film industry, the point has been made that lip service is paid to anti-discrimination policies and people say that if you bring a case you may win some money but you will never work again.

What impact does being violated have on the person? Impacts vary depending upon the type of violation: Was it a rape? Did someone grope you? Impacts vary depending upon the number of violations. Finally impacts vary depending upon the person being violated: Some people are very resilient and it has little effect and others are not so resilient and it has devastating effect.

People who have been violated sexually report lower self-esteem, higher incidents of depression, higher levels of anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, sleep problems, neck pain, problems with relationships and a loss of enjoyment in their sexual relationships. There is even research that sexual harassment will increase blood pressure. There was even a study done in Canada that found that women who had experienced repeated incidents of sexual harassment reported higher levels of suicidal thoughts. The impact is egregious and lasting.

We are aware of the damage sexual harassment and sexual violation does and have been so for a long time. Much effort and money has been expended to create anti-sexual harassment policies in many industries, to provide sensitivity training to workers in many industries to lower the incidence of sexual harassment. And yet, people don’t appear to take the steps necessary to get rid of the perpetrators despite the damage they do.

The Harvey Weinstein scandal spot lighted:

How many women accept pay offs following harassment incidents and

don’t go public about the predators. This casts some doubt on the

motivation around coming forward now. Is it possible that they are

E is for Egregious Harm

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is E and E is for Egregious Harm.  Egregious means outstandingly bad and/or shocking. 

 

This may seem a strange topic for me to pick, but in the last few weeks the press has been filled with stories about sexual harassment, sexual touching without consent.   Most of the recent stories come from television and film industry and politics.  But many industries (like banking for example) are rife with scandals around sexual harassment and also sexual favours in order to get better jobs or bonuses.

 

This week I want to first look a bit at what happens when someone is violated or touched without consent and then look at why we, as a society, seem to have so much trouble getting rid of this problem.

 

Part of the issue is that defining violation and/or sexual harassment is subjective.  Many times, harassment comes in the form of innuendo and pressure to do something.   The issue as to whether consent has been granted then becomes the focal point.  When the pressure to have sex with a boss is that a job will be lost or a promotion will not be forthcoming, many people go ahead and accept the sexual contact.  The issue is then more complicated as the consent is given grudgingly but it is still given.

 

Of course, when we look at consent, we have to look at whether a person is able to give or deny consent freely.  If you believe you will lose a job if you don’t consent, you are not free to choose.   Woman’s Watch highlights the definition of sexual harassment that is commonly accepted speaks of unwelcome behaviour and clearly highlights that a person may engage in the behaviour and accept the advances even though they really don’t want to because they fear losing a job or other negative consequences.  As a result, they are not truly consenting.

 

In the film industry, the point has been made that lip service is paid to anti-discrimination policies and people say that if you bring a case you may win some money but you will never work again.

 

What impact does being violated have on the person?  Impacts vary depending upon the type of violation: Was it a rape?  Did someone grope you?  Impacts vary depending upon the number of violations.  Finally impacts vary depending upon the person being violated: Some people are very resilient and it has little effect and others are not so resilient and it has devastating effect.

 

People who have been violated sexually report lower self-esteem, higher incidents of depression, higher levels of anxiety, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, sleep problems, neck pain, problems with relationships and a loss of enjoyment in their sexual relationships.  There is even research that sexual harassment will increase blood pressure.  There was even a study done in Canada that found that women who had experienced repeated incidents of sexual harassment reported higher levels of suicidal thoughts. The impact is egregious and lasting. 

 

We are aware of the damage sexual harassment and sexual violation does and have been so for a long time.  Much effort and money has been expended to create anti-sexual harassment policies in many industries, to provide sensitivity training to workers in many industries to lower the incidence of sexual harassment.    And yet, people don’t appear to take the steps necessary to get rid of the perpetrators despite the damage they do.

 

The Harvey Weinstein scandal spot lighted:

            How many women accept pay offs following harassment incidents and

            don’t go public about the predators.  This casts some doubt on the

            motivation around coming forward now.  Is it possible that they are

            wanting an additional pay out?  Publicity? Attention?  Are they feeling

            guilty at not protecting others?

           

            How many people in the industry knew about his excesses and his bad

            behaviour and did nothing.  Are they afraid for their positions or do they

            simply consider this as a part of their industry.

 

It wasn’t just the men who were quiet or were condoning, it was the women as well.  People appear to take the view that they must look after themselves but that there is no obligation to look after anyone else. 

 

Is it possible that for some people, this type of harassment doesn’t have much of a negative impact?  They just write off the sex and the crude flirting as a cost of doing business and don’t think about it again.  Is this any different than what young women who marry very rich much older men do?  They aren’t attracted to these guys but they know in order to get to live the lifestyle they want, sex with these men is the price.    Do we have a right to tell people that they cannot make this type of trade?

 

Where is the line between truly consensual use of sex and innuendo in the workplace in order to advance and harassment. And further where is the line for assault?  There are many people who would argue that there is no way to have the sex be truly consensual because there is a power imbalance in the relationship. 

 

Harassment like rape is not about sex.  It is about power.  The person wielding the power uses sex as a means to put down the other, to humiliate them, to control them.  Writer and feminist activist, Beatrix Campbell says ‘There’s a knowledge of and tolerance of sexual harassment that makes women’s journeys through public space always a little bit hazardous… The other structural conversation to have about this apart from power is shame.  I think the politics of humiliation, which is at the centre of all of this, has been erased from the discourse.  It can’t be underestimated because you were in that room, he did put his hands on your body.  Even if you escaped, the point is that you were there.’

 

People have asked the question how these women ended up in a hotel room with Harvey Weinstein as though that were a reflection on them.  Notwithstanding the fact that it is not unusual to have meetings in hotel rooms in the TV and film industries, the fact is that the person who is being harassed is usually a person of low power in the organisation.  They are not in the position to choose the meeting place for an interview or an audition. 

 

Discerning the difference between normal sexual behaviour (appropriate flirting for example) and harassment is often seen as difficulty.  However, knowing the law can help.  In UK law, there are two types of sexual harassment: Quid pro quo which is offering preferential treatment in exchange for sexual favours and hostile work environment which is when because of sexual harassment a person feels unsafe or it prevents them from accepting opportunities. 

 

If someone makes a sexual joke in your hearing at the office and you are offended by this, it may be sexual harassment but it may not.  Did it affect your ability to do your work or create a hostile work environment?  If not, it may be unpleasant but it isn’t harassment.   If someone grabs you and kisses you and you didn’t ask them to, that is pretty straight forward. If your boss lets you know that your promotion is dependent upon your prowess in bed, that is also pretty straight forward.

 

If we want this harassment culture to change, we will have to change the way we view women in general.  Advertising consistently proves that sex sells.  Women are often told that their looks are paramount and encouraged to use their looks.  Men are encouraged to look at a woman’s body and looks first and any talents second.  As long as we perpetuate this view of women, as long as we don’t respect a woman’s talents, it will be hard to decrease and then end harassment. 

 

Girls are still being told by their mothers that they should use what ‘God gave them’.  They are still taught to tease in order to ‘catch’ a man.  As long as we teach girls and women that their bodies are a commodity, sexual harassment will continue.

 

We also need to teach girls and boys that their body is theirs and that they can set boundaries.  We need to teach them what boundaries are and how to say no in a clear way that no one will misunderstand.  We need to teach them about sexual harassment and sexual assault.

 

If we want the culture that enables predators to thrive to end, we need to have a rational understanding of sexual harassment and assault with clear definitions.  We all need to take responsibility for setting boundaries.  We must have zero tolerance for predatory behaviour. 

 

Why do I say predatory behaviour instead of predators?  It is infinitely easier to identify predatory behaviour.  Identifying predators can be difficult particularly when they are charming and in positions of power.  Predatory behaviour, once defined, is simpler to identify. 

 

Common predatory behaviour includes:

Ignoring personal space boundaries

Standing too close, touching you as they brush past you – by accident of course, finding reasons to have physical contact or to stand too close. 

            There are cultural differences and individual differences when it comes

            to personal space boundaries.   To avoid violating personal space

            boundaries in the work place, find out what the workplace norms are.

Making inappropriate comments as ‘jokes’.

            These comments often focus on how someone looks and can be sexual

            in nature.  They may be purely innuendo or they may be graphic.  This is

            hardest to manage in industries that see looks and sexiness as central to

            the products they provide.  For example, modelling or film.

 

Trying to gain sexual or personal favours in exchange for a promotion, work

            related perks or gains or stating that a job depends upon the favours

 

Pressuring behaviour – for attention, for perks, for personal favours or

            Intimate favours. 

 

Demeaning speech: Anything that implies a person did not earn their

            job, anything that implies someone is not of value for their work,

            is only of value because of looks or sexuality.

 

 

We can prevent a culture of sexual harassment and assault from continuing.   We just have to agree that it is a priority and that the harm created is egregious. 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now! Is BDSM or Power Exchange for You?

Are you already involved but want to improve things?

Take the test to find out about your kinky quotient https://the-intimacy-coach.com/kinkyquotient .

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter F.

D is for Dice

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is D and D is for Dice.

Joining me today is Jeremy Fraser, originally a Londoner to kiwi parents - now living in New Zealand. Serial entrepreneur, partner to Lauretta, surfer and road biker, step-father to 1 and if all goes to plan, a freshly minted father to my own in 7 months' time. He started Dalliance Adult 12 months ago and initially fell randomly into the adult dice niche as there was an opportunity on Amazon to create a product that was much better than all the cheap shite that was already on there. Now we have copycats galore. He wanted to stay away from all the same-same tacky plastic bondage gear and sex toys that have flooded the market. He soon realised there was a market for upscale adult products from a company that genuinely cared about their customers and their relationships with their partners.

As you can see from our website and FB page, our mission is to re-ignite relationships that are staling and to help folks develop love and trust with their partner, through content we generate and games and toys that we curate.

We talked about sex dice, the difficulties in creating intimacy and getting relationships re-ignited after you have been in them for a long time. We talked about how ‘ordinary’ couples can find it really difficult to talk about sex and Jeremy said that men particularly find this difficult as they don’t want to upset their wives or hurt their wife’s feelings. We spoke about how sex can become routine or boring, how life can get in the way of an exciting sexual life and how things like sex dice can be used to bring some new energy into that part of the relationship. We talk about laughter and light heartedness as part of intimacy and how often people find this a problem. Again games and sex toys can be used as a way to introduce some laughter and light energy.

I asked about his views on pornography and he spoke of how so much is available on the internet for free and that this can desensitize people to sex and might mean someone is not interested in their partner because sex is seen as so ordinary. I pointed out that I thought that this really wasn’t the issue but rather it was the expectations people had as a result of what they were watching that could be a problem.

I asked about what is coming up for his company. He said the next item is a really beginner BDSM set with instructions. He said that information on new products can be found on the Facebook page and on the website. Jeremy highlighted the fact that they also produce content to try to help couples to get re-engaged in their sexual lives.

To get in touch with Jeremy:

Website - www.dallianceadult.com

FB fanpage - Relationship Tips 'n' Trix (https://www.facebook.com/relationshiptipsntrix/)

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

The next three people who review the show will receive 1 session free, a £250 value. See you next week when the letter is E.

D is for Dice

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is D and D is for Dice. 

 

Joining me today is Jeremy Fraser, originally a Londoner to kiwi parents - now living in New Zealand. Serial entrepreneur, partner to Lauretta, surfer and road biker, step-father to 1 and if all goes to plan, a freshly minted father to my own in 7 months' time. He started Dalliance Adult 12 months ago and initially fell randomly into the adult dice niche as there was an opportunity on Amazon to create a product that was much better than all the cheap shite that was already on there. Now we have copycats galore.  He wanted to stay away from all the same-same tacky plastic bondage gear and sex toys that have flooded the market.  He soon realised there was a market for upscale adult products from a company that genuinely cared about their customers and their relationships with their partners.

 

As you can see from our website and FB page, our mission is to re-ignite relationships that are staling and to help folks develop love and trust with their partner, through content we generate and games and toys that we curate.

 

We talked about sex dice, the difficulties in creating intimacy and getting relationships re-ignited after you have been in them for a long time.  We talked about how ‘ordinary’ couples can find it really difficult to talk about sex and Jeremy said that men particularly find this difficult as they don’t want to upset their wives or hurt their wife’s feelings.    We spoke about how sex can become routine or boring, how life can get in the way of an exciting sexual life and how things like sex dice can be used to bring some new energy into that part of the relationship.  We talk about laughter and light heartedness as part of intimacy and how often people find this a problem.  Again games and sex toys can be used as a way to introduce some laughter and light energy.

 

I asked about his views on pornography and he spoke of how so much is available on the internet for free and that this can desensitize people to sex and might mean someone is not interested in their partner because sex is seen as so ordinary.  I pointed out that I thought that this really wasn’t the issue but rather it was the expectations people had as a result of what they were watching that could be a problem. 

 

I asked about what is coming up for his company.  He said the next item is a really beginner BDSM set with instructions.  He said that information on new products can be found on the Facebook page and on the website.    Jeremy highlighted the fact that they also produce content to try to help couples to get re-engaged in their sexual lives.

 

To get in touch with Jeremy:

• Website - www.dallianceadult.com
• FB fanpage - Relationship Tips 'n' Trix (https://www.facebook.com/relationshiptipsntrix/)

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher.

The next three people who review the show will receive 1 session free, a £250 value. See you next week when the letter is E.

C is for Cunt

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is C and C is for Cunt. As Dr Kate Lister said in her chapter on the subject, ‘as far as offensive words go, you are entering a hardhat area’. (The link in the notes takes you to the excerpt and I highly recommend all of her writing.)

If you are easily offended, this is probably not the podcast for you this week.

Cunt is the word for vulva. According to Dr Kate Lister, cunt is the oldest world for female genitalia in the English language and quite possibly in Europe. She goes on to say that in 1500 Wynkyn de Worde defined ‘vulva’ as ‘in English, a cunt’. At this time, cunt was a descriptive word. Dr Kate Lister provides an hilarious history of the word and it’s usage to modern times in the chapter referenced above. She highlights that by the 18th century, the word cunt is now used as a curse and seen as a lude and indecent word.

Currently, cunt is the word that lots of women refuse to say. They see it as offensive no matter how it is being used. This varies from culture to culture. For example in America, it is the insult that means your wife or girlfriend might end the relationship but in the drag community in the US, a queen might be called cunty to highlight a high level of femininity. In the UK, New Zealand and Australia it is usually used to refer to a man. When a man uses the term to refer to another man, in some parts of the world it is the worst insult you can use and in others it can be seen as a term of endearment. In New Zealand, a man may refer to another man as ‘a good cunt’ meaning a good guy. I find this hilarious given the true meaning of the term.

The word cunt appears in literature up through the 21st century. It is used several times in the Canterbury Tales (1390) and is used openly so is not seen to be vulgar or obscene. There is some suggestion that by Shakespeare’s day, cunt was seen as obscene. Even so, he enjoyed sneaking the word cunt in where he could.

Cunt can be used to describe someone who is a fool or an annoying person.

The word featured in one of the most famous obscenity trials in the UK.

This was in the trial for the publication Oz.

Oz was an underground magazine that was at first released in Australia in 1963 and was primarily satirical. It covered topics like homosexuality, White Australia Policy, Australian involvement in the Viet Nam War and of course, censorship. There were two obscenity trials in Australia during the life of the magazine in Australia. The founders were sentenced to three to six months in prison with hard labour. They were released on bail pending appeal and the convictions were eventually overturned.

Two of the founders (Sharp and Neville) headed for London in February 1966. The third founder (Walsh) continued to publish a smaller edition of Oz until 1969.

In 1966, the London Oz was founded by Neville, Sharp and another Australian Jim Anderson. The magazine turned more psychedelic. The magazine was targeted by the UK Obscene Publications Squad and their offices were raided a number of times. The editors often invited groups of people to ‘edit an issue’. One was edited by gay people, another by the female liberation movement. Finally, they asked a group of secondary school students to edit issue number 28 which came out in May 1970. One article was a very sexual Rupert Bear parody written by a 15 year old. This marrying of school children and ‘obscene’ writing was what led to the obscenity trial in 1971.

In the 1971 Oz obscenity trial the prosecutor asked one of the principals if he would call his 10 year old daughter a cunt and he replied ‘No because I...