The A to Z of Sex

S is for Sexological BodyWork

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is S and S is for Sexological BodyWork.

Celine Remy is an Holistic Sexologist and Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Céline Remy offers a unique body-based methodology to crack open her clients through pleasure. She brings a ridiculous amount of joy and laughter in everything she does and wants every man to step into his power with strength and sensitivity and every woman to experience the sex she deserves & craves. She teaches both men and women how to unleash their sexual potential, bring out the best in each other and have mind-blowing sex for hours.

Sexological body work is the crossroad between sex therapy and erotic massage. Celine spoke about the different uses for sexological body work. She said that she enjoys working with men and women who need to learn to settle into their bodies, men who are worried about erections and ejaculating too quickly and women who might not experience orgasm regularly. She told me that issues are held in the body, in the cell memory and that without body work they don’t shift.

Celine spoke about Mantak Chia and his beliefs and the relevance to sexological body work. We spoke about issues that arise at menopause, issues after trauma and how difficult it can be to get people to really look at their own sexual issues and be willing to be in their bodies.

Celine talked about how powerful sex becomes when a person is fully present. She spoke about the types of exercises and work that she does with her clients. She is hands on (as are all sexological body workers) and touches her clients all over. However, this is all one sided. She does not get undressed and her clients do not touch her.

Celine talked about working on line via Zoom or Skype and doing masturbation coaching to teach her clients how to masturbate in different ways and effectively to prolong pleasure. She spoke about knowing one’s own body and responses and how important this is for health care and for intensity of pleasure.

Celine and her beloved have developed a three part on line programme for men called power and mastery. She said that this covers erectile problems, premature ejaculation, as well as enjoying sex more.

To get in touch with Celine Remy:

Website - www.celineremyc.om

@thepleasurologist

http://www.powerandmastery.com/

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. See you next week when the letter will be T.

S is for Sexological BodyWork

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is S and S is for Sexological BodyWork.

 

Celine Remy is an Holistic Sexologist and Certified Sexological Bodyworker, Céline Remy offers a unique body-based methodology to crack open her clients through pleasure. She brings a ridiculous amount of joy and laughter in everything she does and wants every man to step into his power with strength and sensitivity and every woman to experience the sex she deserves & craves. She teaches both men and women how to unleash their sexual potential, bring out the best in each other and have mind-blowing sex for hours.

 

Sexological body work is the crossroad between sex therapy and erotic massage.  Celine spoke about the different uses for sexological body work.  She said that she enjoys working with men and women who need to learn to settle into their bodies, men who are worried about erections and ejaculating too quickly and women who might not experience orgasm regularly.  She told me that issues are held in the body, in the cell memory and that without body work they don’t shift. 

 

Celine spoke about Mantak Chia and his beliefs and the relevance to sexological body work.  We spoke about issues that arise at menopause, issues after trauma and how difficult it can be to get people to really look at their own sexual issues and be willing to be in their bodies.

 

Celine talked about how powerful sex becomes when a person is fully present.  She spoke about the types of exercises and work that she does with her clients.  She is hands on (as are all sexological body workers) and touches her clients all over.  However, this is all one sided.  She does not get undressed and her clients do not touch her.

 

Celine talked about working on line via Zoom or Skype and doing masturbation coaching to teach her clients how to masturbate in different ways and effectively to prolong pleasure.  She spoke about knowing one’s own body and responses and how important this is for health care and for intensity of pleasure. 

 

Celine and her beloved have developed a three part on line programme for men called power and mastery.  She said that this covers erectile problems, premature ejaculation, as well as enjoying sex more.

 

To get in touch with Celine Remy:

• Website - www.celineremyc.om
• @thepleasurologist
• http://www.powerandmastery.com/

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of SexÒ this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute strategy session with me, go to https://atozofsex.com/ and click the button that says Schedule Now!

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. See you next week when the letter will be T.

R is for Relationship Reboot.

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is R and R is for relationship reboot.

Dr Janet Hall is a sex therapist and clinical psychologist from Melbourne, Australia. She is here to talk with me about what to do when your man has lost his drive or when your woman has lost her drive.

We started by talking about why men lose their libido and drive. Dr Hall talked about men who are overinvolved with sports, men who are motivated by achievement, work and money, those who are couch potatoes and spoke about the reasons these men can lose drive. We spoke about midlife crisis, physical ailments and sometimes a lack of motivation. Dr Hall highlighted the fact that many men find it hard to put the energy and attention into their relationships and that they may choose to find easier ways to get off.

We spoke about how women can approach their male partners by making sure to identify their love languages, stroking their egos, making sure they feel admired, valued and appreciated for all that they do. We talked about how important it is for women to be soft and feminine in their approach and that if they are feeling angry and resentful it is best to talk to a friend or a therapist so that they can approach their partner in a better state of mind with a better tone of voice.

Dr Hall spoke about the reasons women lose their drive. She discussed one type of woman who was never really that interested in sex but knew that she needed to be sexy and engage in sex in order to gain the marriage she wanted. Then once the children were born, this woman no longer wants to have sex and expects her husband to settle down. She spoke about women who find sex painful and we talked of vaginismus and painful sex around and after menopause. We spoke about women who are feeling really and angry and resentful. Finally we spoke about women who are doing everything and feel that their male partner is a like another child and how when he is perceived this way, she doesn’t find him at all attractive.

Dr Hall talked about how men can approach by learning to listen, learning to do massage and giving her a 30 minute massage without pressure for sex, pitching in more, making more effort to create the space for sex. She spoke about mindful sex and how amazing it can be.

Finally we talked about the course she is piloting that focuses on how to create time for sex and how to prioritise sex. The course is aimed at couples and covers establishing emotional intimacy and connection and reigniting the physical intimacy. Dr Hall says that we need to approach a partner with love in our hearts and lust in our loins.

You can find Dr Hall at www.sex-therapy.com.au and www.drjanethall.com.au.

Please get in touch with her if you want to volunteer to test out her new online course for couples and also enjoy the free ebook download for listeners.

http://www.drjanethall.com.au/free-gift-women-achieving-fabulous-orgasms/

This week we talked about how to help your partner come back to intimacy with you, the reasons men lose their libido, the reasons women lose their libido, how difficult it can be to prioritise sex and why it is important to do so. If any of this triggered you or you just have something to report, email me at [email protected].

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click

Q is for Q & A on Sexless Relationships

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Q and Q is for Q&A – on Sexless Relationships.

Sexless relationships are often defined as when a couple has sex 6 or less times per year. This is an area people find really difficult to approach and manage. There are many reasons that people stop having sex in their intimate relationships. Sometimes it isn’t a problem and the couple is happy with the sex they are having or without having sex at all. Other times, this becomes the elephant in the room that no on will talk about.

Joining me today Kate Moyle is an Accredited Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist in Central London. She specialises in working with those that are struggling with difficulties with their sex lives and sexuality, including many in their twenties and thirties who are impacted by the stresses of modern life. She considers a client’s problem or sexual dysfunction in terms of their personal context and meaning and the role it holds for them as an individual. Kate often works with people to recognise their personal understanding of their sexuality and sexual health; with the view that issues have roots in psychology, emotion, the physical body, and a person’s history and culture. Ultimately her aim is to help people get to a place of sexual health, happiness and wellbeing. Alongside her work as a therapist she is also Co-Founded and is Partner at Pillow App for Couples (www.pillow.io) which helps busy couples to fit intimacy into their lives in a convenient and connecting way, by providing audio-guided intimacy episodes that focus on sensual touch, communication, eye-contact and other basic forms of intimacy. Kate is passionate about having open, honest and realistic conversations about sex; that help people to feel educated and aware in order that they can make the informed decisions that are best for them and feel comfortable in their sexuality.

We talked about shame as the basis for most of the messages that we get about sex growing up and the reason that talking about sex and working out problems around sex can be so difficult. Kate pointed out that many people think they ‘should’ have sex at a certain frequency and that really it is what feels good to each individual and the couple as a whole that is important. She spoke of banning the word ‘should’ from her practice.

We spoke about the fact that young people also find they have difficulties with their sexual lives and that often this is because there is so much pressure via every day life. We spoke about the wide variety of people who find the whole topic anxiety provoking.

The big take aways from this discussion:

There is no set amount of sex that is right for every relationship. If you are happy with the amount of sex you are having, then that is the right amount.

If you aren’t happy with the amount of sex you are having, things can be done to help resolve the issues.

Sex and intimacy are not the same thing and that you can have a relationship where the sex is non-existent but there is still a lot of touching and emotional intimacy.

Shame has no place in sex and relationships. If we talk about these things and end the silence, relationships improve. Silence feeds shame. Talking demolishes shame.

Links

http://www.katemoyle.co.uk (www.katemoyle.co.uk)

http://www.pillow.io (www.pillow.io)

https://facebook.com/ThePillowApp

https://twitter.com/TryPillow

www.instagram.com/trypillow

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check...

Q is for Q & A on Sexless Relationships

 

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is Q and Q is for Q&A – on Sexless Relationships.

 

Sexless relationships are often defined as when a couple has sex 6 or less times per year.  This is an area people find really difficult to approach and manage. There are many reasons that people stop having sex in their intimate relationships.  Sometimes it isn’t a problem and the couple is happy with the sex they are having or without having sex at all.  Other times, this becomes the elephant in the room that no on will talk about.

 

Joining me today Kate Moyle is an Accredited Psychosexual & Relationship Therapist in Central London. She specialises in working with those that are struggling with difficulties with their sex lives and sexuality, including many in their twenties and thirties who are impacted by the stresses of modern life. She considers a client’s problem or sexual dysfunction in terms of their personal context and meaning and the role it holds for them as an individual. Kate often works with people to recognise their personal understanding of their sexuality and sexual health; with the view that issues have roots in psychology, emotion, the physical body, and a person’s history and culture. Ultimately her aim is to help people get to a place of sexual health, happiness and wellbeing. Alongside her work as a therapist she is also Co-Founded and is Partner at Pillow App for Couples (www.pillow.io) which helps busy couples to fit intimacy into their lives in a convenient and connecting way, by providing audio-guided intimacy episodes that focus on sensual touch, communication, eye-contact and other basic forms of intimacy. Kate is passionate about having open, honest and realistic conversations about sex; that help people to feel educated and aware in order that they can make the informed decisions that are best for them and feel comfortable in their sexuality.

 

 

We talked about shame as the basis for most of the messages that we get about sex growing up and the reason that talking about sex and working out problems around sex can be so difficult.  Kate pointed out that many people think they ‘should’ have sex at a certain frequency and that really it is what feels good to each individual and the couple as a whole that is important.  She spoke of banning the word ‘should’ from her practice. 

 

We spoke about the fact that young people also find they have difficulties with their sexual lives and that often this is because there is so much pressure via every day life. We spoke about the wide variety of people who find the whole topic anxiety provoking.

 

The big take aways from this discussion:

1. There is no set amount of sex that is right for every relationship.  If you are happy with the amount of sex you are having, then that is the right amount.
2. If you aren’t happy with the amount of sex you are having, things can be done to help resolve the issues.
3. Sex and intimacy are not the same thing and that you can have a relationship where the sex is non-existent but there is still a lot of touching and emotional intimacy.
4. Shame has no place in sex and relationships. If we talk about these things and end the silence, relationships improve.  Silence feeds shame.  Talking demolishes shame.

Links

www.katemoyle.co.uk

www.pillow.io

https://facebook.com/ThePillowApp

https://twitter.com/TryPillow

www.instagram.com/trypillow

 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week.

Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter R 

Dr Bisbey called in sick, so we republished this

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is P and P is for Porn. Porn is a divisive topic these days. There has been a lot of panic around what young people are accessing on the internet and whether they are getting most of their sex education from porn. There has also been a lot of controversy around the idea of sex and porn ‘addictions’. In some areas pornography has been demonised to the point that there is significant censorship legislation to control what adults can see and possess with very stiff penalties.

Dr. David Ley is a clinical psychologist in practice in Albuquerque, New Mexico. He earned his Bachelor's degree in Philosophy from Ole Miss, and his Master's and Doctoral degrees in clinical psychology from the University of New Mexico. Dr. Ley is licensed in New Mexico and North Carolina, and has provided clinical and consultative services in numerous other states. He is the Executive Director of New Mexico Solutions, a large outpatient mental health and substance abuse program in Albuquerque, NM.

Dr. Ley has been treating sexuality issues throughout his career. He first began treating perpetrators and victims of sexual abuse, but expanded his approach to include the fostering and promotion of healthy sexuality, and awareness of the wide range of normative sexual behaviors. Insatiable Wives is his first book and won a Silver Medal in the Foreword Magazine Book of the Year contest for 2009. Dr. Ley wrote Insatiable Wives following two years of interviews with couples around the country. His controversial second book, The Myth of Sex Addiction was released in March 2012, challenging the concept of sexual addiction and exploring a different model of male sexuality. The Myth of Sex Addiction triggered a firestorm of debate, allowing people to finally challenge the media hype of this pseudo-disorder. His new book Ethical Porn for Dicks, A Man's Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure was released to significant expectation and positive reviews in November 2016.)

We started our conversation by speaking about whether there is really such a thing as sex and porn addiction. Dr Ley spoke about the damage that labelling problems around sex and pornography as addiction as it adds to shaming the person. He was clear that when pornography is a problem it is usually a symptom rather than the cause. He spoke of research demonstrating that men who are stressed and depressed are more likely to use pornography long term and that they appear to be using the pornography as a means of managing negative emotions. Women tend to get more support when expressing negative emotions and are not shamed because they have negative emotions so this is seen less in women.

Dr Ley spoke about research demonstrating that long term couples who watch pornography together have better sexual relationships, couples who watch pornography separately but tell each other about it have better relationships and women who watch pornography have better relationships. The only group where pornography is seen to be a problem is when men watch pornography and don’t tell their partners about it and their partners don’t watch and don’t like pornography.

Dr Ley emphasised sexual integrity in a person and his relationships. He spoke of the need for education around sexuality so that people could learn to integrate their needs and desires and then education in communication so that they could learn to communicate with their partners about sexuality and desire. We spoke of the lack of education helping young people to learn to talk about sex with anyone, let alone with partners and the fact that there so many young people are not being taught...

O is for Orgasm

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is O and O is for Orgasm.

Orgasm is the climax of sexual activity. Some believe it is only centred on the genitals. However, many experience full body orgasm. Orgasms differ in intensity, length and even location.

Orgasm is often seen as the goal of sexual activity and although orgasm is incredible, the best sex involves being present throughout and enjoying each phase. Often people present for help because of issues surrounding orgasm, either failure to reach orgasm or in men pre-mature ejaculation.

Many people don’t understand the anatomy of orgasm. Physiologically, the brain and the circulatory system are deeply involved in orgasm in both men and women. The brain is the centre of sexual excitement and the brain stimulates increased blood flow into the genitals. The central nervous system fully engages the nerves that feed the genital area which are hooked into the brains reward system and a feedback loop builds until the peak is reached.

Both men and women experience some of the same physiological phenomena. Blood fills the penis, nipples and lips for men and for women the labia, clitoris, nipples and lips. Both experience rhythmic pulses during orgasm. Many women also ejaculate. There are so many ways to make orgasm happen.

Many women have painfully little knowledge about orgasm when they first start having sex. I had almost none when I first started having sex. Sex education didn’t include anything about pleasure and unfortunately in many places it still doesn’t. Up to 37% of women are either unable to have orgasm or have extreme difficulty having an orgasm.

All orgasms are not alike. They can be effected by cognitive state, psychological state and what chemicals are in your body at the time (including hormones, drugs, alcohol, other medications). Your genitals are enervated by several pairs of nerves and when different combinations are stimulated, you have different sensations.

So – called blended orgasms occur when a bunch of areas in the genital area are stimulated – clitoris, vagina and G-spot for example and each level of sensation is additive so the orgasm is layered, deep and can last longer. There is such a thing as a cervix orgasm as well! This can occur through stimulation of the cervix and is known for being extremely intense.

There is such a thing as a nipple orgasm just as orgasms can come as a result of playing with the anus, visual imagery, breasts, auditory stimulation and fantasising. The length of time an orgasm lasts gets longer as you get older (Isn’t that a great reason to keep having lots of sex as you age?)

Cumming can relieve pain. Endorphins block pain receptors in the brain and oxytocin (released during orgasm) also suppressive pain and perception of pain.

The types of difficulty women have include:

Primary anorgasmia – when a woman has never been able to reach orgasm

Secondary anorgasmia – when a woman who previously was orgasmic is now not able to reach orgasm.

Situational anorgasmia –when not reaching orgasm is as a result of the situation.

Medications can have a negative effect on the ability or each orgasm. This includes SSRI antidepressants like Prozac and Citalopram which are notorious for inhibiting orgasm.

The biggest difficulty people have in my experience is letting go. In order to have an orgasm, you have to let go. One of the great joys of orgasm is that you cannot control it. You have to relax and be open to the sensations and let your body, mind, heart and spirit respond to the stimulation and love you are experiencing.

If you have trouble relaxing, try...

O is for Orgasm

 

Welcome to the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones.  Today the letter is O and O is for Orgasm.

 

Orgasm is the climax of sexual activity.  Some believe it is only centred on the genitals.  However, many experience full body orgasm.  Orgasms differ in intensity, length and even location.

 

Orgasm is often seen as the goal of sexual activity and although orgasm is incredible, the best sex involves being present throughout and enjoying each phase.    Often people present for help because of issues surrounding orgasm, either failure to reach orgasm or in men pre-mature ejaculation. 

 

Many people don’t understand the anatomy of orgasm.  Physiologically, the brain and the circulatory system are deeply involved in orgasm in both men and women.  The brain is the centre of sexual excitement and the brain stimulates increased blood flow into the genitals.  The central nervous system fully engages the nerves that feed the genital area which are hooked into the brains reward system and a feedback loop builds until the peak is reached. 

 

Both men and women experience some of the same physiological phenomena.  Blood fills the penis, nipples and lips for men and for women the labia, clitoris, nipples and lips.  Both experience rhythmic pulses during orgasm.  Many women also ejaculate.    There are so many ways to make orgasm happen.

 

Many women have painfully little knowledge about orgasm when they first start having sex.  I had almost none when I first started having sex.   Sex education didn’t include anything about pleasure and unfortunately in many places it still doesn’t.  Up to 37% of women are either unable to have orgasm or have extreme difficulty having an orgasm.

 

All orgasms are not alike.  They can be effected by cognitive state, psychological state and what chemicals are in your body at the time (including hormones, drugs, alcohol, other medications).  Your genitals are enervated by several pairs of nerves and when different combinations are stimulated, you have different sensations. 

So – called blended orgasms occur when a bunch of areas in the genital area are stimulated – clitoris, vagina and G-spot for example and each level of sensation is additive so the orgasm is layered, deep and can last longer.  There is such a thing as a cervix orgasm as well!  This can occur through stimulation of the cervix and is known for being extremely intense. 

 

There is such a thing as a nipple orgasm just as orgasms can come as a result of playing with the anus, visual imagery, breasts, auditory stimulation and fantasising. The length of time an orgasm lasts gets longer as you get older (Isn’t that a great reason to keep having lots of sex as you age?)

Cumming can relieve pain.  Endorphins block pain receptors in the brain and oxytocin (released during orgasm) also suppressive pain and perception of pain.

 

The types of difficulty women have include:

Primary anorgasmia – when a woman has never been able to reach orgasm

Secondary anorgasmia – when a woman who previously was orgasmic is now not able to reach orgasm.

Situational anorgasmia –when not reaching orgasm is as a result of the situation.

 

Medications can have a negative effect on the ability or each orgasm.    This includes SSRI antidepressants like Prozac and Citalopram which are notorious for inhibiting orgasm.

 

The biggest difficulty people have in my experience is letting go.  In order to have an orgasm, you have to let go.  One of the great joys of orgasm is that you cannot control it.  You have to relax and be open to the sensations and let your body, mind, heart and spirit respond to the stimulation and love you are experiencing.

 

If you have trouble relaxing, try releasing some of the pressure. If you don’t reach orgasm, you haven’t failed. Just enjoy the experience you are having. 

If you practice meditation, this is a good time to employ your strategies to quiet your mind. Allow your breathing to deepen. Focus on one sensation only — that point where your bodies are connecting, the smell of her, the taste of his lips. Breathe into the sensation and just enjoy.

 

Kegel exercises do lead to better orgasms. It appears that the stronger your pelvic floor muscles are, the better your orgasms are likely to be.

 

It takes an average of about 20 minutes of stimulation for women to reach orgasm. Some women are able to reach orgasm within 30 seconds of self-stimulation, but this is unusual. Keep in mind that stimulation doesn’t only mean physical stimulation, but includes mental stimulation as well. Orgasms last on average 18 – 22 seconds.

 

Four pairs of nerves are involved in orgasm in women.

These nerves all take information back to the brain and provide differing sensations and types of orgasm. This is one reason why all orgasms don’t feel a like. If you stimulate all four pairs of nerves, the ‘blended’ orgasm will be far more intense than an orgasm that is the result of stimulating one pair of nerves. Three of the pair of nerves first transmit information to the spinal cord which is then sent to the brain. The vagus nerve transmits straight to the brain — which means even women with complete spinal cord bisection can experience orgasm if this pair of nerves is stimulated. 

There are so many ways for us to get off!

Many women ask how often they should be having orgasms, and if their current frequency is "normal."

When I was in my first, sexless marriage, I thought I was the only married woman who was having no sex at all. Even the clients I was seeing reported having sex at least monthly. When I finally plucked up the courage to talk to a friend, I found out that I was not alone. 

 

Havelock Ellis was a researcher in the early 1900s who spent a lot of time studying sex and sexual behaviour. In his research about frequency of sex (in married couples, of course), he reported these recommendations according to various religious and cultural groups:

• Zoroaster, the Persian religious leader decreed sex should occur once in nine days.
• Hindu authorities decreed three to six times per month.
• Solon, an Athenian statesman stated three times per month.
• The Koran decrees once per week.
• The Talmud decrees once per day to once per week depending on the occupation of the husband.
• Martin Luther, founder of Protestantism states twice per week.

In my practice, I see that rhythms vary over time, mainly related to health, stress levels, how relationships are going, and whether or not a woman is single. One thing I can clearly say is that when in a relationship, more sex and more orgasms are definitely better.  

More orgasms increase emotional intimacy, as well as positive feelings about your mate, your relationship, yourself — and often the whole of your life.

The good news is that research suggests a clear relationship between the age of the person and the likelihood of experiencing orgasm when having sex. 

This means it isn't too late to get yourself into your maximum orgasmic prime!

 

Here is a look at the many ways to reach orgasm

Some people can have orgasm through fantasy alone without ever laying hands on flesh.  The brain is the centre of orgasmic potential.

You can have an orgasm through nipple stimulation or stimulation of the anus.  In fact, you might have another spot on your body that causes you to go wild.

Some women learn to come on command.   This isn’t actually difficult to learn as it is just a matter of conditioning.  The same way Pavlov’s dogs learned to salivate at the sound of a bell, we can learn to come at the sound of our lover’s voice.  As orgasm is a complex response, it is likely to take more trials to make the association but with persistence it will happen.

 

Some women can ejaculate when they have an orgasm.

The fluid they release comes from the urethra, but is not urine. It may feel like there is a lot but in reality it is only usually about a teaspoon of fluid. It is sweet tasting as it is made of lots of glucose, as well as an enzyme called prostatic acid phosphatase.

 

Though it is not universal for a woman to ejaculate (also known as "squirting"), it is more common that was previously thought, and is perfectly normal. Women who do this routinely report that it feels extremely pleasurable. There is some research that suggests that G-spot stimulation is more likely to lead to female ejaculation, although many women report that clitoral stimulation will lead to ejaculation as well.    

 

Both men and women can have multiple orgasms.  

It's really all about timing. Men who learn not to ejaculate when they have an orgasm can have multiple orgasms before finally ejaculating. When men do ejaculate, they usual feeling overwhelmingly sleepy. This is a physiological response and therefore difficult for them to resist.

Hence my advice to women who are having sex with men — make sure you attend to your satisfaction first and then look to his, or you may find that you are left to finish yourself off.

 

 

Thanks for joining me for the A to Z of Sex this week. Write to me with suggestions for the show, questions you want answered at [email protected] , follow me on twitter, Instagram and Facebook.

Check out my YouTube channel: Dr Lori Beth Bisbey.

For a free 30-minute discovery session with me, go to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/ and head to my contact page to click on my calendar and schedule directly.

If you enjoy the show please leave me a review on iTunes and Stitcher. Join me next week for the letter P. 

From the archives, have another listen to: N is for Naughty

Hi everyone! Welcome to the A to Z of Sexâ. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is N and N is for Naughty.

Naughty as a word for ‘wicked’ came into being in the late stages of middle English (around 1800) and is now used to mean saucy or risqué. The urban dictionary defines naughty as a ‘bad girl that needs to be punished (usually by fucking her) or a lady who wears tight revealing clothing. Can also refer to a female who is into bondage.’

Naughty girls are both highly attractive (when they are single or committed to someone else) and highly worrisome (to monogamous men when they are their wives or girlfriends). As women, we are given conflicting messages around being naughty at most ages. Even when we are small, people often root for the naughty girl to get away with whatever mischief she has been up to.

Lots of women are taught that acting naughty is inappropriate and that people won’t want them to be naughty as they get older. The connection between naughty or risqué and wicked is made quickly and women who have been brought up in traditional homes can worry how they will be perceived if they behave in this way.

Naughty girls are often sought after. They are seen to be sexually liberated and sometimes even slutty. As a result, many people think that they might have a chance with a naughty girl. Some suggest that all girls have a naughty side.

Some of the qualities attributed to naughty girls are ones that it would benefit all women to have. Being outspoken is a quality that all women can benefit from. When you are outspoken, you are able to express your needs and desires so you have a much better chance of having them met.

Naughty girls are provocative. They own their sexuality so they get what they need and have a lot of fun doing it. Naughty girls are rebellious. A bit of rebellion can take a woman a long way. Being rebellious means that you are refusing to simply toe the party line. Rebelliousness can mean standing up for yourself and refusing to conform. Of course there are times where conforming is appropriate or will get you a better result. However, there are lots of times where conforming means you don’t have the opportunity to try new things and this can lead to regrets.

Being naughty leads to punishment in some situations. One of the top role play fantasies is to punish a naughty girl. The role play can take many forms from a naughty girl being called in to see the head or the principal to a naughty girl being spanked over an adult’s lap to a naughty girl being told to stay in the corner. All these scenes harness a bit of shame in order to add to the sizzle.

Shame is not always a part of naughtiness but often it is an integral part. Shame can be toxic but it can also be a delicious as part of a sexual scene. For example, there are lots of folk who enjoy being embarrassed during a scene – telling someone they have been naughty will bring back the shame learned in childhood but with an erotic twist.

Janice finds being made to blush exciting. Her partners devise all sorts of ways to make her blush. John loves to catch her playing with herself. This will always cause a deep blush that travels from her toes to the part in her hair at the top of her head. Janice feels naughty when caught playing with herself and looks forward to the punishment she knows will come when John catches her.

Robert likes to be mischievous just like he was when he was a boy. He likes to play pranks. He knows that Jan will spank him if she catches him but he cannot help it. He loves the feeling of being caught and says that this turns him on more than most things.

Angel...

From the archives, have another listen to: N is for Naughty

 

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sexâ.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is N and N is for Naughty.

Naughty as a word for ‘wicked’ came into being in the late stages of middle English (around 1800) and is now used to mean saucy or risqué.    The urban dictionary defines naughty as a ‘bad girl that needs to be punished (usually by fucking her) or a lady who wears tight revealing clothing.  Can also refer to a female who is into bondage.’ 

Naughty girls are both highly attractive (when they are single or committed to someone else) and highly worrisome (to monogamous men when they are their wives or girlfriends).  As women, we are given conflicting messages around being naughty at most ages.  Even when we are small, people often root for the naughty girl to get away with whatever mischief she has been up to.    

Lots of women are taught that acting naughty is inappropriate and that people won’t want them to be naughty as they get older.  The connection between naughty or risqué and wicked is made quickly and women who have been brought up in traditional homes can worry how they will be perceived if they behave in this way.

Naughty girls are often sought after.  They are seen to be sexually liberated and sometimes even slutty.  As a result, many people think that they might have a chance with a naughty girl.  Some suggest that all girls have a naughty side.

Some of the qualities attributed to naughty girls are ones that it would benefit all women to have.  Being outspoken is a quality that all women can benefit from.  When you are outspoken, you are able to express your needs and desires so you have a much better chance of having them met.

Naughty girls are provocative.  They own their sexuality so they get what they need and have a lot of fun doing it.  Naughty girls are rebellious.  A bit of rebellion can take a woman a long way.  Being rebellious means that you are refusing to simply toe the party line.  Rebelliousness can mean standing up for yourself and refusing to conform.  Of course there are times where conforming is appropriate or will get you a better result.  However, there are lots of times where conforming means you don’t have the opportunity to try new things and this can lead to regrets.

Being naughty leads to punishment in some situations.   One of the top role play fantasies is to punish a naughty girl.   The role play can take many forms from a naughty girl being called in to see the head or the principal to a naughty girl being spanked over an adult’s lap to a naughty girl being told to stay in the corner.  All these scenes harness a bit of shame in order to add to the sizzle.

 

Shame is not always a part of naughtiness but often it is an integral part.  Shame can be toxic but it can also be a delicious as part of a sexual scene.  For example, there are lots of folk who enjoy being embarrassed during a scene – telling someone they have been naughty will bring back the shame learned in childhood but with an erotic twist. 

 

Janice finds being made to blush exciting.  Her partners devise all sorts of ways to make her blush.  John loves to catch her playing with herself.  This will always cause a deep blush that travels from her toes to the part in her hair at the top of her head.  Janice feels naughty when caught playing with herself and looks forward to the punishment she knows will come when John catches her.

 

Robert likes to be mischievous just like he was when he was a boy.  He likes to play pranks.  He knows that Jan will spank him if she catches him but he cannot help it.  He loves the feeling of being caught and says that this turns him on more than most things. 

 

Angel tries ever so hard to behave like her name.  There is nothing she enjoys more than when she is caught doing something naughty – like flirting with the girls in the office next to hers.  When Terry catches her she knows that she will be put over her knee. 

 

The shame these three feel is a part of the enjoyment they get out of these sexual activities.  But this is not so for everyone.  Many people experience toxic shame around their sexual desires.  They cannot enjoy the activities because they believe that they are wrong or ill or evil for having the fantasies in the first place.

 

Brene Brown is a leading shame researcher.  She makes the distinction between shame and guilt.  She says ‘Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers ... I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful — it's holding something we've done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we're flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."

 

Unfortunately, sexual shame remains part of many of our cultural experiences and upbringings.  Women are often taught that feeling and seeking sexual pleasure is wrong and shameful.  Men are shamed for certain desires.  Living with this shame makes it difficult for people to fully own their sexuality. 

 

You don’t have to live with this shame.   There are a variety of ways to get rid of it – some that you can do yourself and others that you can do working with a therapist or a coach.

 

If you have been ashamed of something for a long time, start by deliberately thinking about it.  See if you can figure out where the shame comes from.  Once you have identified that, tell yourself a new story. 

 

If you can’t even begin to look at the things you are ashamed about desiring, that is the time to see a therapist who specialises in sex and relationships.   They will help you to become comfortable with your desires and rid yourself of toxic shame while keeping the bit that causes you to feel that bit hot and bothered.

 

Toby wrote in and asked me to talk about how to find people to be naughty with.  He told me that he enjoys engaging in school boy fantasies and has not had much luck finding partners who enjoy the same things. 

 

Toby you can try places like FetLife and join groups that are related to your exact desires. 

If you are in (or come to) the UK you can join Spanking Schooldays http://www.spankingschooldays.co.uk/index.php?pageid=6

 

There are other places that provide a similar service as well as private clubs.  You can search spankingcontacts.com and spankingcontacts.co.uk

 

Marta wrote asking how she can learn to create role play scenes so that she has the opportunity to be naughty in more depth.    Marta if you would like to learn how to create different types of role play in depth with one to one attention, come attend my workshop Casanova’s Secret.  Click here

 for current dates and locations.     If you would like a self help guide, click here for my eBook on role plays.  Please put eBook role play in the subject line. 

To create a good role play you need imagination, patience and the willingness to laugh.   Great role plays take lots of planning.  The planning stage is usually a lot of fun as well.  You can use written erotica and films for inspiration or remembered scenes from your past.  

If you have trouble finding people to enact your naughty fantasies with, if you are not in a relationship or if you are simply scared to share these with those you are already sexually involved with, you can always visit a professional.

There are many sex workers who specialise in creating scenes for their clients to be naughty in.  I often recommend working to be able to share your desires with your chosen partners as well.

What does ‘naughty’ look like for you?  Is it as simple as having an extra dessert or flirting with the girl or boy on the train?  Or is it as complex as becoming a school girl or boy for the day and talking out of turn in class or committing another infraction and then undergoing punishment in the headmaster/mistress’s office or in front of the class?  Or is it simply being bold and acting on your desires?  Write in and let me know at [email protected]

Whatever it looks like, being naughty can bring that extra spark into your sexual life.    If shame is making it hard for you to fully experience your naughty side, get in touch with me at https://atozofsex.com and click the button that says book now for 30 minutes with me free.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites https://atozofsex.com and https://the-intimacy-coach.com to explore and learn to express your authentic sexual self. If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Stitcher and please subscribe! Join me next week when the letter will be O and O is for Online Sex.