The A to Z of Sex

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is S and S is for Sexless Marriage.

Sexless marriages take many forms and have a huge impact on all relationships. Joining me today to discuss this issue is  renowned clinical sexologist, Dr. Patti Britton.  Dr Patti is a Clinical Sexologist, Sexuality Educator and the Pioneer of Sex Coaching with top level credentials. As a well-respected world leader in the field of sexology, she is the author of hundreds of articles, four amazing books, and is former columnist for Penthouse Forum. Dr. Patti is a Your Tango expert, popular speaker, sought-after trainer and workshop leader, blogs on her own websites and hosts over 40 DVDs for women’s and couples’ sexual enhancement. Her media record includes appearances on national television shows, documentaries, live talk and news radio, and with frequent quotes in magazines, such as Cosmopolitan, Men’s Health, Women’s Health, Glamour, Men’s Fitness, WebMD, AOL Health. She has a private practice in Los Angeles and via Skype globally. Dr. Patti is the Co-Founder of SexCoachU, the world’s premier credentialing and training institute for sex coaching. She is the author of a female-friendly erotic novel and an expert on porn/erotica from a woman’s perspective. She co-hosts a dynamic weekly radio show for the boomer generation at: TheBoomDoctors.com. When she is not speaking at summits, or on media, or leading trainings in Los Angeles for her tribe, she and her partner Robert travel the world leading transformational sexology intensives while curating erotic art imagery wherever they go!

Thanks for joining me! We spoke about the pandemic and how a large percentage of clients enter coaching and therapy because of varying levels of sexlessness.  Dr Patti pointed out that the term was coined in 2002 and at that time 20% of all relationships were said to be sexless, though sex was not defined.  She highlighted the fact that many of her clients presented with 2 to 5 years of no affectionate touch in addition to no sex and we spoke about the damage a lack of touch does.  Dr Patti sees sex as an essential part of self and not an add on.  She highlighted the fact that many couples lack sexual skills as well as communication skills and that clinical sexologists approach treatment somewhat behaviourally with goals to get couples having sexual contact again.  We spoke about how many layers there are to sexual problems and that as a result this is often very deep and transformative work.  We spoke about the extreme fear of letting go of control that so many people have and that orgasm is the ultimate vulnerable place because you are so out of control during orgasm.  Dr Patti spoke about 5 levels of touch from healing touch through to sexual touch and spoke of working with couples to understand that they can stop anywhere on the scale.  We spoke about the fact that sex means different things to different people and different things at different times. 

Dr Patti mentioned Dr Barry McCarthy’s book Rekindling Desire which has been released in an updated version recently and that he found in research that many women stopped engaging in sex out of profound disappointment in their relationships.  We spoke of the definition of asexuality and the new axes for sexual orientation.  We both spoke of how much more choice there is when people can self identify in so many ways and on so many levels.

Website Link:
drpattibritton.com

Facebook link:
facebook.com/sexcoachpattibritton

twitter link:
@DrPattiBritton

Dr Patti has generously offered to waive the $500 enrollment fee for professionals wishing to enrol in her level 2 training program to be a sex coach.
Send a note to: [email protected] with SCU app in subject. 
URL: http://drpattibritton.com/free-gift-for-her-pleasure/  She has also offered this free ebook.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com.  I help Individuals, Couples and Polyamorous groups to create find and create their ideal lasting intimate relationships and to heal any relationship issues.  My free ebook: 74Movies that are Not Pornography can spice things up.  For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.   If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Stitcher and please subscribe! Join me next week when the letter will be T.

R is for Red Light District

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is R and R is for Redlight District.

A red light district is part of (usually) an urban area where sex work is practiced.  This includes strip clubs, sex shops, prostitutes/escorts and sex shows/theatres.  The term comes from the red light that was usually used as a sign for a brothel.    Some red light districts like in Amsterdam, The Netherlands and in Reeperbahn, Germany are areas where legal and regulated prostitution can take place. Many of these districts were originally formed in an effort to confine prostitution to one part of the city and to make sure that there was some regulation of the prostitutes.

In Japan, and Akasen is a red light district though it is not legal.  The term literally means red line.

The Oxford dictionary has the term first appearing in print in 1894 in a newspaper from Sandusky, Ohio, USA.   It appears the term became more widely spread when used in Dodge City, Kansas to refer to a district that contained a number of houses of prostitution including the Red Light House Saloon.

Some red light districts are monitored by the authorities though not legal and regulated.  Usually authorities are monitoring for child trafficking.  Others are regulated like the Reeperbahn in Hamburg.  This is a mile long area and is world-famous.  There are quite a few places in Thailand that are unofficial red light districts and are monitored.

In the 1950’s, the Soho area of London was a well known red light district. Working girls were everywhere in the area.  The area has changed drastically though you still find sex shops, peep shows, and clubs in the area.  The area is now known for it’s excellent restaurants, theatres and music venues.

The city of Leeds in the UK now has a red light district where prostitutes are legally allowed to ply their trade.  This was created in the hopes that crime would decrease. There was a 12 month pilot that legalised prostitution in this ares which was made permanent following the murder of a 21 year old prostitute.  Though crime has not disappeared in this area, sex workers are now reporting 60% more crimes to the police and prosecutions are following.   The West Yorkshire police, the Leeds City Council and a variety of support agencies are all behind keeping this area in place and working to make sure that the (mostly) women who are working here are protected. 

For Westerners, the most famous red light district is located in Amsterdam in a section called, Der Wallen.  It is said that the district existed in 1200 when Amsterdam was more of a village than a city.    The area is called Der Wallen by the Dutch because it was once completely enclosed in earthen walls.    The area developed in part because of all the trade that was brought into the harbour.  In 1758, Casanova visited the district and there were many tales of his exploits.  In 1905, the prostitutes wore long dresses and sat in front of the houses waiting for customers.  They were known then as Street Daisies.

It was in the 1930’s that the famous windows appeared.  This took the place of standing in doorways trying to get customers to enter (which was not legal).  They were allowed to sit in the window with the curtains opened only a little – teasing and exciting the curious to enter.  In the 1960’s there were more houses of prostitution.    In 2000, prostitution and brothels were made legal.  But there was a point in the mid-2000’s that window prostitution (where the brothel was just one room) was made illegal to discourage trafficking. 

In March 2007, there was an open day where for the first time male sex workers stood in the windows in the red light district and the statue of Belle was dedicate with the legend ‘respect sex workers all over the world’. 

It had been hoped by legalising that sex workers would have better lives but this did not happen on it’s own.  Still many found themselves having to pay criminal gangs, or being trafficked.  Independent workers had to pay taxes and rent their spaces so the money was tighter.

The city council decided to set up a foundation called My Red Light in 2017 to allow the sex workers to design and create a brothel space that works better for them.  The space provides for common meeting areas so sex workers can socialise together in their off time.  The sex workers have been involved in ever aspect of creating this space that covers 40 windows over 14 buildings.  They have participated in creating the laws governing the space, the taxes, the design and the decoration.  The hope is that it will combat some of the isolation sex workers experience and provide a friendly place for advice as well as a clean, light workspace.  They are offering development courses in the space as well.  Everything from business finance to massage.  The hope is that with personal development and business development available, workers will be better able to stay out of the hands of the pimps.

Here are some more interesting red light districts:

Kabukicho in Tokyo, Japan caters to mostly Japanese locals.  The clubs cater to local fantasies including school girls, secretaries, various anime fantasies.  There are hostess clubs where you pay for companionship.  Paid sex is illegal in Japan but everything else is fair game so you will find naked karayoke and sex dolls that you can rent and all sorts of fantasy liaisons.    This area is also home to a large number of ladyboys for those who enjoy interacting with transgender male to female folks.

Geylang in Singapore City, Singapore.

This a three mile long area that contains side streets where you can find the brothels.  Even numbered sides streets are legal and regulated where the odd numbered ones are illegal and not regulated so be careful where you choose to enter.  Most of the women are Thai and Chinese and sessions are limited to 45 minutes only. 

Pigalle in Paris, France

This is where you will find top notch burlesque shows like the Moulin Rouge next to seedy strip clubs, cabarets, sex shows and peep shows.  Prostitution is illegal in France so you won’t find any legal prostitution in this area. 

Patpong in Bangkok, Thailand

The main draw here is the sex shows (the famous smoke rings from the pussy can be seen here). This is where the famous go-go bars were started.  There is also a night market in the area which has softened the scene considerably.

More popular in Bangkok is Soi Cowboy.  This is not government regulated and is considered quite racy and sometimes seedy.  Here too the sex shows are the biggest draw.

Reeperbahn in Hamburg hosts excellent restaurants, and great bars and the sex trade is confined to one street that is partitioned off by a wall and only during certain hours.   Strip clubs have overtaken prostitution in popularity so there are now only a few hundred prostitutes working in the area.

Villa Tinto in Antwerp, Belgium is found in a three block safe zone and one of the cleanest and safest red light districts in the world.  It is considered the most high tech brothel in the world. The rooms have safes, biometric locks identify sex workers and panic buttons are under the beds.  There is an onsite police station.  There is a control room to oversee the whole lot.  The area also hosts strip clubs and live sex shows.  

Aaron wrote in to ask ‘Is it infidelity if I have sex with a sex worker?’  Aaron, this depends upon your relationship agreements.  If you are in the typical monogamous relationship, sexual contact is considered infidelity.  However, these days there are lots of versions of monogamish relationships where people agree that certain activities or activities with certain people do not constitute infidelity.    If you are dishonest with your partner, this will always be seen as infidelity.  The worst part of infidelity is usually the lying.  Dishonesty causes far more problems in relationships no matter what form the relationship takes than does the sexual part of infidelity.

Visiting a red light district with your partner can be lots of fun.  I have sometimes taken people on field trips to the red light district in Amsterdam and couples often choose to watch sex shows together to explore something new.  Sometimes these are very erotic and other times they seem odd and so are seen as funny.  Exploring something new together is often a great way to revitalise the relationship. 

My next retreat in Amsterdam (that includes a trip to the red light district) is in January 2018.    I have just opened pre-booking.  Contact me via email or the contact form on the website if you are interested in one of the limited spaces available.

Marsha asked about safety in the red light districts.  These are mostly in urban areas so you want to take the normal precautions.  Safe sex is a must to protect both you and the sex workers.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn how to awaken your authenticity, arouse your sexuality and ignite your desire.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.   If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Sticher and please subscribe!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/.

Join me next week when the letter will be S and S is for Sexless Marriage.

Q is for Queen (and queening)

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is Q and Q is for Queen (and also queening!).

Queen as a nickname can be short for drag queen or can refer to a woman who is dominant.  Today, I’ll talk about both uses of the term and also cover the activity queening.  I’ve had a couple of questions about drag queens and transvestites and I’ll answer these as well.

Drag is traditionally not just about enjoyment and sexiness.  There has always been a challenging element of drag that is about the gender fuck.  Particularly the queens who do not look feminine and do not try to look feminine.   Drag highlights rebellion and nonconformity.  Today, even traditional drag attracts audiences of all genders and is often seen as highlighting a person’s struggle to define identity and style and willingness to be an individual, not conforming to social beauty standards.    There is an increasing young female audience that sees drag as empowering them to discover and be who they are.

Drag queens don’t usually dress in women’s fashion for the purpose of sexual excitement and enjoyment.  They do so for the purposes of self-expression and entertainment.  Drag queens are not transvestites as they do not fetishize the female clothing and accessories. Many drag artists are very talented performers and popularity has continued to increase, especially since Ru Paul’s successful reality show Drag Race. 

People of all genders choose to dress in drag though drag queens are the most well-known.  There has been a growing body of fans for drag kings and drag king shows as well.

Many people believe the history of drag in Europe began in the 1800’s with the pantomime.  In the United States, some people trace the history of drag back to minstrel shows which originally had performers in black face parodying black men and then had performers begin to parody black women.  These were not positive performances.  They were used to mock black people. 

Whereas drag in the gay community was used to celebrate and seen as progressive.  Drag continued with vaudeville where female impersonators became very popular.  The most famous female impersonator was Julian Eltinge who performed on Broadway as a woman.  During these times, female impersonators were seen to be white straight men.  This art form declined as a connection with sex work and homosexuality was made more often.

In the earlier 1900’s, drag moved into night clubs and began to be associated as entertainment within the LGBT community.  Since being gay was criminal at the time, it became riskier.  People would go to nightclubs to experiment with boundaries between gender and sexuality and drag queens became extremely popular.

Drag queens often participate in pageantry – prominent in Pride parades though this has often been controversial as many people express concern over the image of homosexuality this presents.    

Many millennials are exploring gender through drag.  Pecs is a group of performers in the UK who explore gender through drag.    The performers are all CIS women at the moment.  They say ‘Unless you fuck in a vacuum, sex is a gendered experience.’  As a result, they use drag and performance to explore further.    

Rob wrote in to ask ‘I love watching the drag queens. I go to a show most weeks.  I find them really sexy.  Does this mean I am gay?’  Rob this doesn’t mean you are gay or even bisexual, though you could be either.  It simply means you find them sexy.  We find many things sexy that we don’t want to act on in reality.  Relax and enjoy the shows.

In kink circles, a queen can also be a dominant woman.  Some cultures use the term queen to refer to any woman and in reference to treating your partner like a queen or finding that partner who will be queen of your world.  This is popular within the African American community where men are also sometimes referred to as kings.

When referring to a dominant woman, a queen is the woman in charge.    Queening is when a dominant woman sits on her submissive’s face.  This is sometimes also referred to as throning or simply as facesitting.    Sometimes the woman is sitting directly on the submissive’s face.    However, there are also special stools and chairs and some ‘thrones’ made explicitly for queening which allows the dominant to take some of her weight off of the submissive and engage in queening for longer. 

Some women use facesitting as simply another oral sex position.  They are not engaging in this because they are dominant but rather to give a different type of access and vantage point.  Most women who engage in this worry about being too heavy for their partners or suffocating a partner.    Couples who are using this for oral sex often have the woman facing the man’s head so that he is not completely enveloped by her body.  He is approaching from the front.  Women who are using this for dominance often envelop the entire head of the person they are queening.  One of my favourite articles on facesitting can be found on Harlot Media.  The link is in the podcast notes.

The mark that queening is seen as the act of a dominant was highlighted a couple of years ago when the UK decided to change the laws on pornography so that images of facesitting (amongst other types of images) would become criminal.  To protest these changes, there was a facesitting protest outside parliament.  The campaign decided to sing Monty Python’s Sit on My Face while demonstrating facesitting (with clothing on). 

Queening has become popular with people who are not kinky as another sex position that makes oral sex really interesting and sometimes a hell of a lot more fun.  The biggest barriers to enjoying this are the thoughts that women can have while they are sitting on their partners faces.  Women worry if they are too heavy, if they will suffocate their partner.  They worry about their smell and taste and what happens if they fart.  If they have a male partner, they worry about their partner’s beard or lack of a clean shave and if their vaginal lips will get chafed.    If they are able to relax, most women report that this position provides lots of pleasure.  They highlight feeling empowered and enjoying the control they have.  They also highlight loving that the focus is on their pleasure and nothing else.

Jack wrote in and asked if queening was really dangerous.  He said that he was worried about being suffocated but also worried about how he could engage in safe sex while his face was being sat on.     Jack you don’t need to be worried about suffocating as this is really rare and the only cases I could find were cases in which the person was deliberately attempting to suffocate the person they were sitting on!  As for getting sexually transmitted infections: Facesitting involves being exposed to bodily fluids and so there is a risk of infection.  The risk is raised if you have bleeding gums or oral cuts.  There is a risk to the person who is doing the facesitting of catching oral herpes if the person who is underneath has this infection.   You can’t have completely safe naked facesitting sex.  However, the risks of infection transmission are lower than for many other sexual activities.  If you want to be completely safe from infection, have the queen keep her panties on and make sure that her fluids don’t leak through.  Maybe keeping trousers on would be better (less likely to be leaks).

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn how to awaken your authenticity, arouse your sexuality and ignite your desire.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.   If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Sticher and please subscribe!  Why not join me for my upcoming free webinar 4 Secrets for Arousing and Igniting Your Authentic Sexual Self.  Click the link in the podcast notes to sign up or head to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/.

Join me next week when the letter will be R and R is for Red Flags.

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of Sex.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is P and P is for Pleasure and Pain.

How different is pleasure and pain?  Why do so many people gain intense pleasure out of what can also be intense pain?  What kinds of pain are enjoyable?   Today I will answer these questions.

Let’s start with the neuroscience behind pleasure and pain.    Pain and pleasure used to be considered opposites but recent research has highlighted that there are lots of similarities between the anatomical substrates functioning in both.    The ability to seek pleasure and avoid pain is important for survival.    There is a lot of overlap in the chemistry of both sensations and they compete for primacy of processing in the brain.  This might explain why some pain can be processed and perceived as pleasure.

Relief of pain can be experienced as intense pleasure.   Particularly if the pain was acute and strong.  Endorphins that are released as a result of pain are often experienced as pleasure.   In addition, when a person experiences pain and also stress, the brain produces more melatonin and serotonin which changes the pain into pleasure.  Finally, intense pain – particularly when the body believes danger is present, will produce a release of epinephrine and norepinephrine which will create a rush of pleasure. 

One of the things that hurts good is when the pain stops.   When you are pushing your body for a goal for example or when someone is massaging your sore muscles or aching joints.  The relief associated with that pain is often perceived as intense pleasure.

Do masochists always enjoy pain? No.  If a masochist stubs a toe, it will hurt and there will be no pleasure associated with that hurt.  Part of what makes the difference between an action being experienced as painful and one being experienced as pleasurable is the context of the action.   The delicious pain of a massage is happening in a safe environment with someone you trust.   You can relax into the experience as a result.  The final thing that make pain turn to pleasure is a lack of true fear.  You may engage in role play with a partner that is very frightening or enjoy the surprise in horror movies but this is fear experienced in a safe environment.   

Shame and guilt are intricately involved in sex for many of us raised in Western cultures.  Most of us have been taught that sex and sexuality is somewhat shameful.  Women are still being taught abstinence is the best course of action prior to marriage in many places.  This might not be problematic in and of itself.  After all, there is nothing inherently damaging in saving sexual activity until you are in a committed sexual relationship. (Though many relationship breakdowns and divorces could be avoided by making sure couples have some level of sexual compatibility prior to making a lifetime commitment.)

Rather the problem with preaching abstinence is the lessons that go along with this teaching.  Young people are taught to avoid any sexual feelings.  They are taught that sexual feelings are dirty, shameful or wrong.  There is no teaching about the pleasure that can be experienced through sexual activity, no teaching about masturbation.  Most of the teaching is about denying pleasure. 

There is little talk about pleasure in sexual education.  Girls are not taught that they should expect sex to feel good and a certainly not taught how to make sex feel good.  Girls are not encouraged to learn their own bodies and so remain reliant on a partner for their pleasure and their orgasms.  This is restricting enough.  What is even worse is that boys are not taught about girls’ bodies and how to provide pleasure.     Essentially sexual pleasure and orgasm for young women is left to trial and error (or internet searching).

We can understand why pain is not talked about in depth as this is still somewhat taboo.  But it is hard to comprehend why pleasure is still relegated to the shadows.    Doing so, creates higher levels of shame and guilt associated with any kind of sexual enjoyment. 

I have spoken before about the damage that toxic shame can create.  Many people experience toxic shame around their sexual desires.  They cannot enjoy the activities because they believe that they are wrong or ill or evil for having the fantasies in the first place.

Brene Brown is a leading shame researcher.  She makes the distinction between shame and guilt.  She says ‘Based on my research and the research of other shame researchers ... I believe that guilt is adaptive and helpful — it's holding something we've done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort. I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we're flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging — something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection."

Unfortunately, sexual shame remains part of many of our cultural experiences and upbringings.  Women are often taught that feeling and seeking sexual pleasure is wrong and shameful.  Men are shamed for certain desires Living with this shame makes it difficult for people to fully own their sexuality. 

How to overcome this culture of denial of pleasure?  Start by teaching children that their bodies produce a range of sensations and that there is nothing wrong with any of them.   Start young by talking about the good feelings a hug can produce.  Make sure that sex education starts young, with age appropriate lessons on anatomy, masturbation, pleasure and boundaries.

How to explore the edge between pleasure and pain?  Start with an exploration of the variety of sensations you can experience in a sexual setting.  Create a safe space with a partner and start out by engaging in some sensory play using different textures.    The person who is receiving is in a comfortable position,  blindfolded.  The person who is giving strokes the receiving person with a variety of different objects providing different textures and different sensations.  I recommend using feathers, fur, sandpaper (rougher grades), a needle or a knife edge, an ice cube,  the flame from a candle (just close enough to feel the heat), leather glove, coconut oil or cocoa butter, grains of salt or sand.  You can do all the stroking on arms and this exercise can be done in a public environment.  In sexual environments, you can stroke all over the body, moving from hands to breasts, to legs, to vulva.  If you want to increase the pleasure/pain challenge use a whartenburg wheel or a vampire glove or drip candle wax.  If you are going to play with candle wax, learn some more about it before diving in.  Different waxes produce different temperatures, different heights will feel different, different colours of wax also produce different heat.   Where you drip the wax or if you layer the wax also makes a difference.  Notice that painful pleasure and the moment things change.

Another gentle way to explore this edge is through orgasm denial.  When someone is really close to orgasm, maintaining that intense turn on without moving into the release of orgasm can become painful.   After holding on this edge for awhile, when the release comes it can also have a painful edge.  The pain and pleasure mingle together and the intensity is higher. 

Jan wrote in and asked ‘I like being flogged but I don’t have a regular partner.  I meet people at events and clubs. How can I keep the pain at a level I enjoy and prevent myself from being injured when I engage in flogging?’    Even when you meet someone at a club or event, take some time to negotiate what a scene will contain.   Make sure to give clear descriptions of what you enjoy and what you don’t enjoy.  If you are not a good match, move on and look to meet someone else.  Trust your gut while you are negotiating.  If something doesn’t feel right, thank the person and move on.    Make sure you agree a safeword and a safe gesture if the environment is likely to be very loud and busy.   Negotiate aftercare.  Ask the person to start slowly and to check in with you.  Even doing all these things, it is possible that someone will strike you harder than you like and it will hurt in a way that doesn’t feel good.  If this happens, breathe through the pain and either say your safe word or keep going to see if things move back into your pleasure zone.

Nina wrote in and asked ‘I want to try pain but I am afraid of anything intense.  How can I start experimenting without being paralysed with fear?’   The first step to experimenting is trusting someone that you are experimenting with.    Negotiate clearly your needs and desires.  Take some time to get to know the person before entering into a scene.  Watch the person playing with others if this is to be a ‘casual’ scene.    More manageable things to start with are being scratched with finger nails – first gently and then more firmly.  Spanking again first gently and starting only on the fleshy part of the rear end.  Pinching is also something that can be easy or really hard to manage.  End your session on a high note when you are feeling great.

Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn to express and explore your authentic sexual self.  Why not join me for an arousing conversation about what turns you on and what gets you off in my upcoming webinar : 4 Secretes for Arousing and Igniting Your Sexual Self. Head over to https://the-intimacy-coach.com/4-secrets/  to register. If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Sticher and please subscribe! Join me next week when the letter will be Q and Q is for Queen (and queening).

Hi everyone!  Welcome to the A to Z of SexÒ.  I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host.  We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time.  Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is O and O is for online sex.

Online sex can run the gamut from web cams where you pay for (mostly) women to strip for you or play with you, amateur web caming, online phone sex, pornography websites, written erotica and through online sexual communities. 

Joining me tonight is Sharon Somers who created climaxconnection.com Climax connection is an online adult community website for people to find masturbation partners for phone sex or for people just seeking to enhance their masturbation experience by being able to listen to member contributed erotic audios or read their erotic short stories.

They have profile pages, chat rooms with free audio and video capabilities, a forum, erotic short stories and audios.  Many people just hang out in the chat rooms just to have fun, relax and chat. 

We started by talking about how chat rooms came to be and Sharon likened the site to an advanced version of the original chat rooms on AOL and Yahoo.  I mentioned that before that we had bulletin boards and that Compuserve and Prodigy were early adopters of chat space. 

Sharon explained that people create community and that some are only willing to interact on the site.  They refuse to give out any details so that they can chat off site or phone sex.  She highlighted the fact that many relationships are long term.    She also mentioned that people are not terribly trusting which is why they don’t want to part with personal details.

Sharon talked about the many people who come to the site who are in relationships with partners who don’t share their sexual interests.  She said that she is a phone sex operator by trade and started this site because the other sites she visited in between clients to relax didn’t have the full range of features that she has now put on this site.

We talked about the clients who come for phone sex versus chat and cam sex and highlighted the fact that most of the clients don’t want to watch a woman masturbate on camera.  Many of them have very specific fantasies.  She told me that she is asked to be a robot every few weeks and use a robot voice and that these clients have a full fantasy around how their ideal android looks.  If she were to appear on cam it would interfere with the fantasy. 

We spoke about the value of sex work for people who are not getting their needs met in their relationships.  She told me that many of the men are in sexless marriages and most of her clientele are men.  She shared that sometimes partners or wives call and abuse her or the other women and said that they are not trying to take these men away.  They do this for the money they earn.  I pointed out that it is common to target the other person instead of the spouse who is the one who had committed the betrayal.

We spoke about a wide variety of types of clients, chat play and the things Sharon enjoys about her work and in her off time.  Sharon will join me on Sex Spoken Here for the series about sex work.

website: http:/www.climaxconnection.com

or for phone sex: erotictalkphonesex.com

twitter: https://twitter/climaxers

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Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to [email protected] and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to explore and express your authentic sexual self.   For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.   If you have enjoyed this podcast, please leave a review on iTunes and/or Sticher and please subscribe! Join me next week when the letter will be P.