The most effective way to make it easier to get the love that you want and give your partner the love that they need is to understand each other's attachment style. Stan Tatkin has a helpful framework for recognizing when childhood imprinting comes up, and in this episode, we’re unpacking the layers of what he calls the “Island” attachment style, otherwise known as avoidant insecure attachment. 

The defense strategies we use as adults are often the result of the experiences we had with our caretakers as infants. How we regulate the nervous system in the face of perceived challenges directly links back to how we were soothed (or not) during the formative years of our lives. But, that’s not to say there’s no hope for breaking patterns of attachment. In fact, consciously working with these patterns inside relationships creates great opportunities for transformation. The first step is to become conscious of this mechanism, so you’re already on the right path. 

We take a look at different statements and scenarios that an Island type of person might relate to. We also work through why it’s important to shift into a more secure, or in Tatkin’s language, “Anchor,” style. Plus, we use ourselves as examples and discuss what parts of the Island attachment style we relate to.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Why it’s helpful to have a greater understanding of attachment styles
• The four different attachment categories that apply to most people
• How misinterpreting attachment styles can lead to relational ruptures 
• The major blind spots of Island-dominant people 
• Reflecting on where your defense strategy is running your life 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter
• Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin 

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

We’re revisiting our first episode to take a look at one of the foundational principles that supports our relationship. We reflect on what's different about our partnership compared to previous ones and unpack the juicy conversation we had on our first date. 

Because we’re so committed to a very clear and explicit purpose within our relationship, we skipped the first-date small talk and got right into our vision. We were open about what we wanted to be up to as a couple, which ultimately provided a sense of validation, orientation, and collaboration. We continue to come back to this core question, especially during moments of conflict and disconnection, 

When was the last time (if ever) you and your partner talked explicitly about what you’re up to together? Why are you together? Where is your relationship going? These might feel like big questions to bring up, but they provide the roadmap for getting out of those stuck places and building a relationship that feels really aligned. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Where we came up with guiding question we use to discuss the course of our relationship 
• How we individually got clear on what we desired in a partnership 
• Embracing the challenge of living authentically
• Why a commitment to personal growth is so important for this type of collaboration
• Bumping up against childhood patterning and wounding 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter
• The Relationship School Podcast - Episode 166. Evolutionary Love with Andrew Harvey 

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

There are a lot of complexities for many people when it comes to birthdays, most of which don’t have anything to do with getting older. In this solo episode, Krista shares how she and Will approach birthdays as a couple and support each other in having meaningful celebrations. 

Childhood imprinting can deeply impact your birthday experience if those unconscious filters and perspectives go unchecked. You might not realize you’re carrying around disappointment from decades ago, but there are three key ways to discover and articulate what makes you feel loved on your birthday. 

Nothing sets a partner up for failure quite like the “guess what I want for my birthday” game, so by getting clear on what you want and asking for it, not only is there a better chance of getting your desires met, but also helping your partner play a role in that. And even if your birthday doesn’t look exactly how you imagined it, take the opportunity for growth and try to work on the narrative you create about it. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• How birthdays can trigger childhood wounds 
• Recognizing if it’s challenging to ask for what you want and receive it 
• Taking responsibility for how your thoughts impact your birthday experience 
• Ways that Krista and Will are rewriting what birthdays mean to them 
• Creating intentional traditions around what feels celebratory and comfortable for you 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Few things are equally as pervasive and taboo in our society as pornography. In today's episode, we’re unpacking how pornography addiction or misuse can impact a partnership and sharing ways to address the underlying urge for escapism.  

There’s nothing wrong with self-pleasure, but when it becomes the default alternative to dealing with the complexity of a partner, it often results in shame, disconnection, and things left unsaid. Pornography can be a way to avoid uncomfortable conversations about relationship dynamics, but the short-term solution tends to amplify the deeper issues at hand. 

Based on our experiences, when you’re willing to have those conversations and engage in meaningful collaboration, the impulse to consume porn becomes less intense. It also creates space to explore pleasure in an authentic way instead of mimicking what you see on your screen, inspiring new levels of intimacy and sexual liberation. 

Is there something in the shadows of your relationship? Join us on this episode as we explore different tools that can help you bring it to light and co-create a path forward. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Reflecting on our experiences with pornography and pornography addiction 
• The impacts of sexual objectification 
• How pornographic images can actually change the brain
• Recognizing what triggers you or your partner’s impulse to consume porn 
• How to start a dialogue around an unmanaged third in your relationship 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter
• Books by Dr. Gabor Maté

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Meditation is often seen as a solo practice, but in our experience, it can have a deep impact on your relationship with your partner, team members, or really anyone that you come in contact with. In this episode, we describe what our meditation practices look like and how we apply the benefits of it both on and off the cushion. 

When you train your brain to quiet the chatter, it creates an opportunity for profound listening both internally and externally. Though we had different entry points and teachers, the guiding principles of discovering what’s going on in your mind and recognizing the filters you listen through are common threads of our meditation practices. But, it’s one thing to practice in a dedicated setting and another to implement the takeaways in daily life. 

Meditation gives us so much information when we dive below the surface of words, opinions, and thoughts. In many ways, it’s a non-medicinal framework for connecting with the subconscious and opening up your perspective. Regardless of where you are on your mediation journey – maybe you’ve never tried it, or fallen out of practice, or it’s already part of your routine – we invite you to find a local community or try out a new app to experience the richness that mediation can bring to your relationships. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Meditation as a tool for feeling solid and centered in your life 
• How becoming a more present listener impacts your relationships 
• Recognizing what gets in the way of your listening: ego, assumptions, filters 
• The gap between what you feel during mediation and what you experience in daily life 
• Getting in deeper contact with your “We” through meditation 
• Advice for how to get started with developing a consistent mediation practice 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter
• Genpo Roshi 
• The Collaborative Way 
• Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationship by John Wellwood
• Headspace 
• Insight Timer
• Waking Up

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

What happens when you bring an external element into your couple bubble that disrupts the connectivity? Maybe it’s a child, an aging parent, a new job, or in our case, a puppy, all of which require a reconfiguration of how everyone’s needs are met. In today’s episode, we explore techniques that help us address the impacts of throwing a curveball into our well-oiled system. 

When we decided to introduce a new puppy into our dynamic, we knew life was going to be chaotic for the first few months, but ultimately viewed it as an opportunity to expand of our capacity to hold more as a team. Throughout this process, we’re learning to recognize each other's default patterning when things get rocky and help one another shift out of wounded reactivity into a more conscious and sovereign space. 

In this episode we share the tools we use to help us during those rocky moments, including practicing compassion for ourselves and our partner. Doing so helps bridge the gap of reconnection and facilitates communication about unmet needs and understanding our partner’s stress responses. 

If you’re facing new challenges in your relationship, it might be a good time to revisit the conversation about what you’re “up to” as a couple and address how external factors affect that vision. Where are there opportunities to expand and grow together because of those impacts? 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Why it’s important to explicitly talk about the purpose of bringing something new into your dynamic 
• Staying at choice in how we are operating together, versus being dominated by our environment and stressors
• Ways to communicate about getting your needs met 
• Collaborating about how to handle challenges 
• Staying committed to the vision of what’s possible when you and your partner embrace a growth mindset

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Within our web of vows that help us maintain what we believe is possible in our relationship, gambling everything for the love we want is at the center. In this episode, we unpack what that means for us and how we work to bring forth every aspect of ourselves, even in challenging or uncomfortable conversations. 

Unless we take a real stand for the kind of relationship we desire, and then be willing to put everything on the table to give our relationship a chance to live into that stand, we are going to compromise or settle in an unfulfilling partnership.

Although we have a deep commitment to addressing ruptures and impact, we’re not immune to misunderstandings. There’s a level of consciousness inside our relationship where we can recognize the filters that we have for each other. These assumptions and automations not only limit the possibility for deeper connections, and they also have the potential to intensify resentments and wounds. 

We share  five practices that help us to lay our vulnerability on the table and work through tension. In our conversation, we break down what these five tools are and how they can help you and your partner co-create solutions. Join us as we look at these techniques in action and discuss ways to approach edgy topics within your relationship. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Why we don’t agree with the concept of ‘choosing your battles’ 
• Noticing when make assumptions about your partner and where those beliefs come from 
• Having safeguards in place to deal with the consequences of addressing an uncomfortable reality that exists in your relationship 
• Honoring the voice that signals your needs aren’t being met 
• Developing a willingness to to receive feedback and see it as an opportunity for growth 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Don’t want a boring relationship? Then listen to this episode. When you feel like you’re stuck on a hamster wheel of life, it can negatively impact your partnership. One of our marriage vows is to live and lead from desire, meaning we’re committed to charting our own path and embodying our authentic expression versus defaulting to the stifling messaging we received growing up. In this episode, we discuss where this marriage vow stems from and how we support each other in upholding it. 

Within our cultural context, it can be difficult to allow ourselves to tap into what we desire, let alone act on it. Between various religious frameworks, the subordination of women, and rigid standards of success, going on autopilot and doing what’s accepted tends to feel safer. But, when there’s little thought put into our decisions and actions, the possibility for growth, both individually and as a couple, shrinks. 

In this episode we share practices to help us rise above the daily noise of life that can keep us from hearing the deeper internal layers of our authentic desires and truths. We also share why having a relationship that feels safe and secure is essential in accessing, and then living into, the unfiltered desire and mission of our soul’s purpose. 

This week, we invite you to do some self-inquiry and find out what you desire. What do you notice when you start to ask yourself questions about what you really want? 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• How we relate to desire as individuals and within the context of our marriage 
• Unpacking the layers of conditioning that mask our desires 
• The impacts on our relationship when we’re not leading from desire 
• Why it can be hard to stay in contact with desire 
• Rituals that support our connection to this marriage vow

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

A power couple is fueled by two things: their love for each other and their internal drive to make a difference in the world. In this episode, we unpack our interpretation of what a power couple is, share questions that can help you determine whether you’re in a power partnership, and also explore ideas about how to get there. 

We've created the kind of partnership that we both dreamed was possible, but that doesn’t mean we’re standing on a power couple podium with a trophy in our hands. It requires a recommitment to the practice of taking a stand for our ‘We’ when we come up against challenges and ruptures. Instead of running away, we’re willing to have raw, direct conversations so we can continue to develop our skill sets and fulfill our shared vision. 

As a power couple, we’re regularly examining how we’re using our marriage to make the world a better place. In your relationship, it might look like a shared business or passion project, volunteering together, or deeply supporting each other’s journeys. 

We invite you to reflect on the unique makeup of your ‘We’ and determine how you connect to it in a way that's fulfilling, alive, and passionate. What is the most extraordinary gift that your ‘We’ could contribute to the world? And is your partner willing to walk that path with you? 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Our definition of what a power couple is (and isn’t) 
• What it means to take a stand for the kind of partnership that you desire 
• Ways that we continue to develop as individuals and as a couple 
• A question to spark a conversation about your purpose for being together as a couple 
• Finding ways for you and your partner’s top priorities and passions to intermingle 

Resources Mentioned: 

• Download the three critical conversation topics that will help you and your partner discuss how to cultivate a power couple dynamic: kristavanderveer.com 
• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

When you’re asking yourself if you should stay in a relationship or leave it behind, it can feel painful and confusing, even heartbreaking. In our previous relationships, we grappled with this dilemma a lot and dealt with it in different ways. There are various scenarios that might lead you to question the future of your partnership, and in this episode, we share how we navigated that period of our lives and questions to help guide you through it if you find yourself there now. 

Maybe you’re in a situation where abuse is present, or infidelity, or perhaps you're tired of tolerating broken agreements. Sometimes the ‘should I stay or should I go’ question stems from living parallel lives or feeling misaligned with the life that your partner envisions for themselves. Being in that headspace can feel incredibly isolating and disempowering, but there are certain therapeutic tools that can support couples through it. 

There’s a process that's unique to each partnership that needs to happen in order to get clarity. We invite you to think about what kind of relationship you stand for and if this is mutually desired by both of you. Are you and your partner willing and capable to do the work to achieve what you desire together? Join us on this episode as we explore this question, and more like it, to gain insight into if you should stay or if you should go. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• The possibility for creating the type of partnership that has the capacity for deep collaboration, connection, and contribution to the world
• Untangling how the relationship patterns that we witnessed as children often inform what we're willing to accept as adults 
• Reflecting on the ways that we contributed to the outcomes that we created in the past
• How Will and his ex-wife came to the conclusion to end their marriage 
• Krista’s ‘North Star’ moment when she claimed the type of relationship she wanted for herself 
• Questions to consider about the circumstances of your relationship 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.