Working with defensiveness is like an art. We’ve found that explicitly talking about what we each need when we are in a defensive state has really supported us to more easily and successfully make it through those fiery and challenging times. In this episode, we explore the impact of defensiveness, ways that we support ourselves and our partners in the heat of the moment.

Like most behavior changes, a great first step is to notice when and why we default to certain thought patterns or actions. When you look at what’s underneath the layer of defense, you’ll discover the vulnerability that’s being masked by anger or self-righteousness. This process can often reveal an unmet need and create space for deeper repair. 

In our conversation, we share tips to help minimize and eventually resolve defensiveness within relationships. With the help of a couples therapist or relationship coach, there are ways to engage in painful moments in a collaborative way, but it requires a willingness to see the opportunities that exist within defensiveness. 

Our invitation this week is to notice when you or your partner get defensive and reflect on what's actually happening for you. The more you can become self-aware about your own defensiveness, the quicker you're going to be able to repair it and develop a deeper connection. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• How to work with defensiveness inside of a relationship
• Leaning into the curiosity for how your actions impact other people 
• How to start a conversation that’s focused on more than right versus wrong 
• Ideas for crafting an agreement with your partner around what happens when you encounter defensiveness
• Relationship advice for when one partner is unwilling to changeg
• A reminder that a deeper type of collaborative partnership is real and available to you 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Do you have control over your perfectionism or does it have control over you? Today we get into the pros and cons of perfectionism and the impact it has on our “We.” We illustrate ways that we work with perfectionism, both individually and together, and also the ripple effect that it has on our relationship when we don’t address it.

Perfectionism tends to get a bad rap, but when it doesn’t have you in its grip, it can be used as a tool to strive for better quality and continued improvement. It’s when we spiral into obsession and stress that we start to question our worthiness, safety, and validity. Like so many aspects of our psychology, those reactions are often linked to imprints from childhood. 

When we notice the talons of perfectionism sinking into one another, we like to gently make contact with each other and work through the root cause of that behavior. Sometimes it looks like parts work, other times it’s meditation, movement, or just changing up the routine to get out of our heads and into our bodies. 

Our challenge to you this week is to notice where perfectionism comes up for you: How does it serve you? How does it stifle you? How does it impact your partner?

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Reflecting on how perfectionism affects our quality of life and world together
• The aspect of perfectionism that feels fun and empowering 
• How the feedback we received as children connects to our relationship with perfectionism as adults  
• Examples of where our perfectionistic tendencies show up 
• What we like to do individually and together when we notice an unhealthy attachment to specific outcomes 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

As mission-based people, it’s culturally acceptable to constantly be tethered to our phones, but what happens when being at the beck and call of our business gets in the way of authentic and deep connection? In this episode, we explore the impact that technology overuse has on our relationship and work on crafting a new agreement about using our phones after working hours. 

Since starting the Integrative Psychiatry Institute in 2018, we’ve largely been in startup mode. Now that the team is built out and there’s more operational support, it’s not solely on Will to put out fires anymore. But, shifting out of the habit of picking up the phone for every ping and ding hasn’t come naturally. 

In our conversation, we unpack the effects of unconscious phone usage and how it touches on our childhood wounding. We workshop ways that we can come to an understanding, rather than operate from a place of fear or insecurity. We also look at ways that having boundaries around technology can create more sovereignty over our attention and energy. 

Our invitation this week is to work with your partner to understand why there’s something interfering with your connection, technology or otherwise, and discuss the impact it has on your relationship. With that foundation, it’s easier to collaborate on a win-win solution. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Becoming more conscious of what we spend our time on, particularly outside the office 
• Learning how to express the need for contact and attention 
• Experimenting with an agreement about how we use technology in the evening 
• Ways that social media might be covering up a lack of authentic connection 
• How we can experience more freedom by practicing constraint 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

In this episode, we unpack five signs that your relationship might be in trouble or indicate roadblocks to creating the type of partnership that’s a powerful and positive force to be reckoned with. In our combined 40 years of being in relationship, we share why these five are at the top of the list and are crucial to address for a long-term fulfilling and extraordinary “We.”

It’s easy to create a partnership based on cultural or familial messages of what it looks like to be in relationship: “if my partner really loves me then I don’t need to change,” “choose your battles and don’t bother with the rest,” or “don’t address the small things - just be grateful for what you have.”

However, it takes real work and courage to create a partnership based on the authentic values and explicit desires of each partner in the relationship. In our experience, the work is well worth the reward of what becomes possible for the individuals and the couple as a result.

In our conversation, we share personal examples where we get stuck, how our relationship is a continual learning path for us, and we offer encouragement and suggestions for anyone who experiences the signs we mention in this episode. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Why we believe that we can do more together than we can alone 
• Understanding the deeper impact of your actions and committing to changing those patterns 
• Actively choosing to view challenges as opportunities for growth 
• The spectrum of shared and individual responsibility 
• How to tell if there’s fear-based interdependence in your relationship 
• Working through the fears that might prevent you from fully supporting your partner’s success 

Resources Mentioned: 

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter
• Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch 
• Our episode on unmanaged thirds 14. Handling External Distractions + Shiny Objects   

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

In this episode, we take a look at the (unsexy) impact of complaining inside primary relationships and we share our agreement around holding and handling complaints in our marriage. 

When it comes to personal development and deepening relationships, there often comes a point when we’re faced with the reality of how complaining hinders our growth and possibilities. When there’s a lingering sense of negativity, it can limit the opportunities for connection, mutual empowerment, collaboration and feeling of joy being together.

There’s nothing wrong with the cathartic venting, but we like to take it a step further. When both partners view complaining as an opportunity to grow, it’s a game changer. Allowing space for venting is easy with the understanding that we're going to also get to a place of owning our part and exploring solutions together. Under every complaint we can find a request and a path forward that feels empowering. In our conversation, we dive into examples of what this agreement looks like in our marriage and professional relationships. 

Our invitation this week is to use this episode as a jumping off point and open up the conversation with someone in your life who you feel could use a new perspective on complaining. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• The root causes of complaining 
• Actively choosing to limit complaints and get curious about why you’re doing it 
• The different impacts of being positional versus venting 
• The hidden value of complaining
• Advice for anybody who’s dealing with a habitually negative or disempowered person in their life 

Resources Mentioned

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• The Art Of We Website
• The Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

One of the foundational agreements we’ve made in our partnership is a commitment to “true mutuality” and “mutual responsibility.”

In this episode, we elaborate on what it looks like to bring mutual ownership to all of our outcomes, how we work with cultural programming regarding roles and responsibilities, and how we work through challenges that come up in this collaborative approach. 

For us, true mutuality means having equal power and equal say in our partnership. Mutual responsibility means no one person can be blamed for failures or given sole credit for our successes. Both of us are responsible. We get into examples of what we’re currently working on and what we’re doing to support each other’s success in meeting those expectations. 

Small ruptures like clashing over taking out the trash or tidying the house have given us opportunities for examining our own cultural programming and then having the opportunity to make different choices together per our agreement.

In our conversation, we address the benefits and challenges of taking on this agreement of mutuality, and how couples can integrate shared responsibility when someone in the partnership is neurodivergent or struggles with their mental health. 

Our invitation for you this week is to investigate where you feel like you and your partner have defaulted into a siloed mentality when it comes to responsibility. Is that working for you, or are you excited by the possibilities that we touch on in this episode? That reflection could be the first step towards more self-awareness and having a conversation about it with your partner.

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• The benefits of working with your partner to integrate true responsibility and mutuality
• Where couples typically get stuck when creating agreements and systems of shared responsibility
• Examples of how we aim to uphold this vow in our everyday lives 
• Catching where cultural programming takes over and challenges the ‘We’ approach 
• Prioritizing the inspired quality that you want for your partnership above all else 

Resources Mentioned

• The Art Of We Weekly Newsletter

Get in Touch: 

• Art Of We Website
• Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute: Integrative Mental Wellness & Psychedelic Therapy Training

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

The rise of psychedelic-assisted therapy marks a new phase in mental health care, but the modality is wrapped up in layers of misinformation and stigma. After Will joined the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies as a study physician, our understanding of psychedelic therapy completely shifted. 

In this episode, we discuss the impactful results of key clinical trials and what the future of psychedelic therapy looks like based on where we are today, particularly as it relates to FDA approval. We also dig into how psychedelic therapy for couples can open up the possibility for resolving conflict, increasing intimacy and collaboration, and working through challenging topics.

As an MDMA therapist, Will has witnessed how the use of psychedelics can lead to life-changing mental health outcomes in patients suffering from PTSD. The process can help people understand the imprints from their childhood in a way that traditional talk therapy often cannot. These patterns tend to show up as attachment styles in adulthood and can provide insight into what’s causing friction in our relationships. 

Not only are we advocates for psychedelic therapy, but we are especially passionate about how we believe it will support awakening inside couples. Additionally, when couples adopt the perspective of taking mutual responsibility for the healing of each other’s injuries inside of the “We” together, there’s new possibilities to reach new levels of secure attachment, understanding, potency and connection as a couple. 

If you’re in a partnership, our challenge for you this week is to look at the ways that you might be indicating to your partner that you should hold and fix your injuries alone, and vice versa. You may want to have a conversation about where this idea stems from and explore ways to heal together. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• The future of psychedelic therapy and limitations of ordinary psychotherapy
• What research is showing about psychedelic therapy response rates for people with depression and PTSD
• Encouraging results that Will has seen as an MDMA therapist 
• Topics that can be addressed inside a couples session with the use of psychedelics 
• Developing a deeper, more nuanced commitment to your partner and their injuries

Resources Mentioned: 

• Integrative Psychiatry Institute - Psychedelic-Assisted Therapy Training
• Integrative Psychiatry Center  - Ketamine Therapy Clinic 

Get in Touch: 

• Art Of We Website
• Art of We Instagram 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

If you're in a relationship, you most likely experience conflict. It doesn’t always look like explosive fights or constant bickering — it might also manifest as living parallel lives, lacking deeper connection and having different priorities.

In this episode, we share what we believe is at the source of this conflict for couples and our strategy for moving into a more collaborative “We” experience that has the capacity to realize a greater purpose together.

When we have different priorities (or “values”)  than one another, it’s easy to perceive each other’s priorities as conflicting. This can show up in differences of how we each want to spend our time or having different needs and goals than our partner. When this happens we can get stubborn, get defensive, or give in. 

However, there’s an alternative approach that creates an entirely different possibility, one that not only meets everyone’s needs but also creates a new stage of more security, strength and potency for what a couple can achieve together. This approach inspires us to take full responsibility for cultivating a dynamic relationship that contributes on a greater level.

In this episode we share three different stages that couples go through and how at the highest stage our values are not conflicting at all – rather they are actually the blueprint for the greater purpose of the “We.” We work through examples of our own experience, and how this process is helping us earn secure attachment at a whole new level. 

If you're interested in exploring this concept further, we recommend checking out Dr. John Demartini's Values Determination Process. If your partner is also willing to go through the steps, it’s a great starting point to have a conversation about your findings and where you can begin linking your top values with each other. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• Tools for deprogramming any internalized values and understanding your true priorities 
• How we got back in alignment when our priorities were out of sync 
• A tool for holding the “We” in a supportive way, especially inside of conflict
• Deepening the security and strength of possibilities within your relationship 
• How we’re experiencing conflict at this stage in our partnership 

Resources Mentioned

• Learn more about Dr. Demartini's work 
• Stan Tatkin (earning secure attachment)

Get in Touch: 

• Art Of We Website
• Art of We Instagram 

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

The Netflix series called “How to Build a Sex Room” is sparking conversations for us around sex, sensuality, and pleasure. In this episode, we share our review of the series and unpack topics including deprogramming cultural norms, why a sex room could be supportive in a partnership, the conversations many couples don’t have, and personal shares of what we’re doing to expand our expression of authentic desire in the bedroom. 

“How to Build a Sex Room” features couples who turn to interior designer Melanie Rose to co-create a sacred sex space in their home. On the show, you can see how the design process helps the couples open up about their sexual needs and expand their pleasure toolbox. There’s a true celebration of diversity in sexual expression on the show and it brings this taboo subject to a broader audience. 

For us, the show highlights how sensitive it can be for couples when they don't have the tools to communicate about their sex life. It has us thinking about the common problems that different genders face around sexual performance and pleasure. Building a sex room is awesome, but if couples aren’t doing the deeper work together, there’s a lot of missed opportunity.

This week, we invite you to take an honest look at the way you navigate pleasure and sexuality in your life. Are you satisfied at the deepest level? If not, what tools or support might help you get there? 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• What we think the show does really well and where we think it’s lacking
• Exploring idea of “how you show up in the bedroom is how you show up in life” and how we can use the bedroom to develop our sovereignty 
• Personal shares about our own challenges with pleasure together and with previous partners
• The challenge of cultural programming and it’s stifling grip on what sexuality and pleasure should and shouldn’t look like
• Normalizing sexuality and accepting difference in individuals and communities 

Resources Mentioned

• How to Build a Sex Room on Netflix  
• The Verdant Collective 
• Caffyn Jesse

Get in Touch: 

• Art Of We Website
• Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute
• Krista’s Instagram
• Will’s Instagram

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.

Our agreement to “protect each other in public and in private, even from ourselves,” helps us experience higher levels of  trust and security in our partnership. This commitment requires that we examine less conscious behaviors and patterns that can easily slip under the radar and create undesirable impacts on our “We.” In this episode, we discuss what this looks like in practice and why it’s so important for us. 

Have you ever heard someone complaining or putting their partner down, even if in a joking way? Not only is it uncomfortable to witness, but it also reveals where there are unmet needs or unresolved issues in the partnership. When they’re not addressed inside the partnership, these issues leak out sideways and can cause public misunderstandings or inaccurate filters about your partner and ultimately cause insecurity in the relationship. 

Protecting each other from ourselves requires us to take an honest look at the unspoken judgements, jabs or filters that we have towards our partner. Left unmanaged, we are not being for our partner or their success, and we are not doing the work necessary for a secure and extraordinary “We.”. 

In this episode we share examples of where we struggle as a couple and how we work through challenges. We invite you to take a candid look at one of your relationships: do you not feel protected in some way or where you might not be protecting the other person? If so it’s a great opportunity to deepen your relationship by discussing it and potentially come to a new agreement together around this topic. 

Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or on your favorite podcast platform. 

Topics Covered:

• The benefits of feeling protected and cared for by your partner 
• Letting each other have autonomy over their story and what’s shared in public 
• How this agreement ties into our commitment to reduce the damage of unmanaged thirds 
• Getting curious about your reaction first before immediately responding 
• Being a witness to your tone, voice, and delivery when you communicate 

Resources Mentioned

• Our episode on unmanaged thirds: 14. Handling External Distractions + Shiny Objects 

Get in Touch: 

• Art Of We Website
• Art of We Instagram 
• Integrative Psychiatry Institute
• Krista’s Instagram
• Will’s Instagram

Rate, Review & Follow on Apple Podcasts: 

If you want to show your support for this show, please consider rating and reviewing The Art of We on Apple Podcasts. To do that, open the Apple Podcasts app and search for The Art of We. Scroll to the bottom of the package and rate with 5 stars. Let us know your favorite part of the show by clicking “Write a Review.” While you’re at it, follow the show so you can get the latest episode delivered to your phone weekly.