The Cannon Canon

We wrap up ARGENTOBER and this edition of our HARD PIVOT with 1975's DEEP RED! Yes, technically we covered this first since we recorded and released it on our Patreon a month ago BUT it's no more confusing than some of the "plots" in Argento's films! No matter what, Deep Red aka Profondo Rosso aka The Hatchet Murders has it ALL for Argento fans. Amazing Goblin soundtrack? Check! Some sort of artist who just happened to notice something the dumb cops didn't see? Of course. Progressive and regressive politics all at the same time? You better believe it! And a killer puppet doll thrown in because Argento had a dream about it and everyone else involved in the movie thought it was a bad idea. YES YES YES! "Deep Red" is truly one of the greats by one of the greats of all time, and is a great way to cap off ARGENTOBER!!!! (But trust us we will most likely get to every other Argento movie soon anyways. Because you don't need a spooky season for the GOAT!)

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We're almost through ARGENTOBER (and this edition of HARD PIVOT) and today we're discussing the 1971 Giallo (and possibly dark comedy?) FOUR FLIES ON GREY VELVET! A movie whose rights are so complex you can only watch it on Plex. Not to mention it goes in and out of English dub to Italian in the last 10 minutes. Whatever, still watchable! We discuss the shoehorned title into the reveal of the movie, grown men yelling "I don’t want a bath!" and how Fran Lebowitz claims she’s never seen a worse movie (c'mon, Fran!). We also ponder if the Coen Bros were inspired by Argento, is our protagonist like Phil Collins? and subconsciously is this movie a HUGE influence on Geoff’s sense of humor? 

Once again...ARGENTO HATES CATS (and small dogs)!!! Gather your prog jam band together, kill a mosquito with your hi-hat and put on that Jim Adkins lookn' mask cuz we're talkin' 4Flies, babyyyyyyy!

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We're halfway through ARGENTOBER! And today we're talkin' about Argento's wildly impressive debut film, The Bird with the Crystal Plumage. We HIGHLY recommend you watch this movie before listening (we hope you do this with every movie we cover). The Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) veer into "film theory", the protagonist's wild lack of awareness of JUST how good his life is and even Dudley Moore makes a cameo. Geoff also shamefully spills his guts about his dirty little 900 number addiction as a sick, depraved and perverted young man while Frank was calling a Heathcliff hotline. 

And once again...Dario Argento HATES CATS! 

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"ROSE! I CAN'T HEAR YOU. ARE YOU THERE?" ARGENTOBER continues as we talk about the 1980 Suspiria follow-up INFERNO! Joining us is our own favorite little witch, DAVID BLUVBAND (The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, The Chris Gethard Show). Will Bluvband and the Cannon bros start a "3 Brothers Talking About the 3 Mothers" spin-off podcast?! Don't hold your breath (unless you can hold your breath as long as Rose underwater). But they do go deep on the confusing plot...and all the poor cats. And if the Billy Drago lookalike that gets murdered is even related to the three mothers...and those poor cats. And all of the fun happenstance, amazing Keith Emerson soundtrack and murder murder murder in between...but my god THOSE POOR CATS! Dario Argento really hates cats? So give it a listen and decide for yourself: Did Dario really mean for this to be a trilogy or did we get Cornetto'd. 

[Due to audio issues, we had to use our Zoom backup for audio. Apologies audio is not up to our usual crispy clean sound!]

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The Cannon Canon presents our first HARD PIVOT! For the month of October, we'll be covering the films of Dario Argento. We're calling it, ARGENTOBER! And kicking off "Argentober" is the 1977 horror classic SUSPIRIA. That's right, we are starting with the gold standard of Argento. We swear it is not a gush fest (but it's not that far off). From the mindblowing soundtrack of Goblin, to the unbelievable set design, to the trademark Argento NCS (Needlessly Complicated Shot), we go through how much we love this movie. But also talking about how the plot almost doesn't make any sense and how for a world-class ballet school they seem to not really do much dancing. 

But seriously, watch Lords of Synth.

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HEY, YOU'RE HURT! LADY I'M F-ING DEAD! Yep, you got that right. Today, The Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) are doing a COULD'VE Been A Cannon on the 1988 Treat Williams/Joe Piscopo horror/comedy/cop movie vehicle "DEAD HEAT" (from Cannon kissin' cousin New World Pictures). Also known as "Young Geoff's most rented movie". Find out with the Cannon Bros how this movie psychologically scarred us both as children and now. Was it from the horrific, crazier than an Italian gore film practical effects from the great Steve Johnson? Was it from the existential questions that this movie poses and does not answer? Or was it simply from the amount of Joe Piscopo being Joe Piscopo you have to deal with? No matter what, The Cannon Bros cover it all while doing piles and piles of Joe Piscopo/Frank Sinatra impressions and "Uzi Doozies". And keep your eyes peeled for what special effects were clearly leftovers from "Big Trouble In Little China". Plot be damned, you are gonna like the way you look...in Piscopo's shoulder-padded leather jacket! 

"Whatsitgonnatake?" 

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CHECK THEM NECKS AND TALK TO YOUR KRANG BRAIN! Because today we are back in Toby Territory, talking about Toby "Cream Jeans" Hooper's 1986 remake "Invaders From Mars". Joining us is special guest Lucas Hazlett (TBS' Wrecked, Lifetime's American Princess)! This movie is a cavalcade of amazing actors, amazing behind the scenes, and amazing how it just...isn't...that amazing? HEAR US OUT! We go through it all, from the alien's Pink Floyd laser light show, to the alien's terrible skills at hiding their plans, to the alien's ship designs...kind of looking like low rent "Alien". Are those tic-tacs he's pouring into that coffee? Is this an "Edge of Tomorrow" scenario? Did Karen Black accidentally say an actress' real name? Did Mrs. McKeltch own that creepy taxidermy van BEFORE the invasion?! Also, Frank completely botches his easter egg trivia and cites "Starcrash" instead of the original "Invaders From Mars" (they look like the same head!). And we try to answer the ultimate question: Does Cream Jeans just have a little brother complex with Spielberg? 

Never forget...“Marines have no qualms about killing Martians!”

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MEET US HALFWAY...and think about joining our Patreon! Yep, the Cannon Bros are on a little bit of a Cannon respite but we haven't stopped the Cannon train rolling. Today we are giving you a taste of a Patreon exclusive episode we have up now. We did commentary for all of Sylvester Stallone's "Over The Top". It's a fun one for a great movie, so take a sample of us breaking down what a bad dad Lincoln Hawk is...and what a bad Grandpa Jason Cutler is...and what a bad son Michael is. OK, so everyone but the Mom sucks. Bunch of lil shits all arm-wrestling and driving trucks. It's a fun ride so join on in!

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I LIKE THE PAIN...AGAIN! Well, let's try something a little different. Thought about joining The Cannon Canon Patreon but haven't yet? Perhaps now is the time. On today's episode, we are giving you a little taste, a little sampler, a little bit of a full commentary episode we recorded for the 1989 JCVD Cannon Classic "CYBORG". The full episode is only on the Patreon feed. So, try it on, see how it fits and if you like the way you look in us yelling about how much we like the pain, then think about joining the Patreon. It's more fun than trying to hold on to barbed wire that keeps the ones you love from dropping to their death in a wishing well!

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"Too much linguini!" Yep, you should know by that iconic joke that this week we are covering (in a Patreon member picked COULD'VE Been a Cannon) the 1989 Tri-Star classic "BLIND FURY". It stars Rutger Hauer as a comedic blind swordsman in the vein of Zatoichi. If Zatoichi was in Reno, Nevada and was up against one of the most ineffectual big bads ever and was accompanied by an unbelievably annoying kid from the TV show Step By Step. Yeah...that Blind Fury. Don't worry. This movie is never going to let you forget that Rutger is both blind and kind of creepy when he is playing against type as he slices off arms left and right protecting his good friend Terry "Terrance" O'Quinn. It's a romp full of fun set pieces, strange jokes and an AMAZING guest appearance from Cannon's own Sho Kosugi! Wow. In retrospect, this movie might actually have it all!

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