The Cannon Canon

STEAK FRIES ARE DISGUSTING! Even without a finger in them. This is just ONE of the many bold statements made by The Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) as they discuss the 1986 HBO/Cannon video creepy as hell classic "The Hitcher"! And they get DEEP into what makes this the most stressful movie...ever? Rutger Hauer's amazing yet super damp performance! C. Thomas Howell's terrible movie choices the same year this came out! Jennifer Jason Leigh's character possibly betting on the wrong horse? Her decision is tearing her apart (literally!). Not to mention Geoff having a classic, "Oh my God. Did like 5 of my lifelong neuroses that led to deep deep therapy come from this movie?!" It's a pretty amazing movie that if you choose to be the type of fan who wants to listen to us talk about it for 2 hours, might feel life-affirming after you watch it? You might want to take a couple of years off before you watch it again. BUT- Life-affirming! But still...bad steak fries are the worst!!!!!

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CANNON. COULD'VE BEEN A CANNON! That's right, it's time for another "COULD'VE BEEN A CANNON"! And today's movie was chosen by our debonair Patreon member of danger and romance, Michael Bagford. The movie? The Irvin Kershner directed James Bond film, NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN! A Bond movie that's not quite a Bond movie because of complicated rights? It's the return (and final performance) of Sean Connery as 007 and while we were skeptical that this COULD'VE been a Cannon, there were plenty of gleeful Cannon-like choices that brought a big ol' Golan & Globus like grin to our faces.

Let's just say THERE'S A FRIGGIN' VIDEO GAME FIGHT!!!

So Never Say Never Again unless you say never again, then you said never once more, but maybe you can avoid saying it again, but then you'll have to remember...Never Say Never...Again. 

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GONNA SET THE NIGHT ON FIRE!!! LAMBADA! Yep, that's right. Today the Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) are dipping our toes in the double shot of 1990's "LAMBADA!" Our second movie in the row about the Lambada. Does it feel like we've said the word Lambada a lot? Well, so will you when you're singing the soundtrack to yourself weeks after you listen. Because even though there's surprisingly not a lot of Lambada dancing in this movie, they do sing about it a lot, while delivering a movie that is closer to a Stand and Deliver through the lens of Breakin'? Look, this may have been the movie that helped signal the true end of love between our beloved Golan and Globus, but you just might enjoy Melora Hardin from The Office trying to seduce her teacher while he tries to teach a bunch of young dancers how to program an Apple IIGS to...again...dance but not dance the Lambada? Confused?! That's "Lambada"! 

So, people, do us a favor...

GET OUT!.......and make somethin' of your life. 

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THIS PODCAST IS DEDICATED TO THE PRESERVATION OF THE RAINFOREST! LAMBADA! Well the Cannon Boys are back in town and Frank and Geoff are showing off their thongs and solving all of the world's problems by watching the 1990 Lambada classic "The Forbidden Dance". That's right, we're going to finally dance into the two competing Lambada movies which signaled the true end of Golan and Globus. Which one is this one? Well...Is it the one with the song by Keoma we all know? Check. Does it try to solve 4-5 social issues through the Lambada? Double-check. Was it written in ten days and feel like it was shot in even less time? You better believe it! Not to mention, Laura Herring earns the coveted, easy to earn title of "definitely more erotic than Bolero". So get your dancing shoes on and get ready to decide which Lambada movie is better! The fate of the world depends on it!

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YOU SHOULDN'T DRINK AND BAKE! But you should listen to our latest episode. Cannon Bro Geoff is left alone in Cannon HQ so he called in a special guest co-host, John Murray, to talk about the 1986 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic "RAW DEAL". Now it might just be an HBO/Cannon video distribution title, but it is truly PURE CANNON! The constant tone shifts, the cribbing from Arnold's other movies, the sets that look like they shoved a casino into a high school auditorium. And the budget possibly blown completely on the Rolling Stones "Satsifaction". It's a wild ride of a needlessly complicated plot. Sure they mostly make Arnold do all of the things he is not known for, but when he finally gets to be the Arnold we love it's fun as hell. So put on your boxy leather jacket, slick back your hair and don't bother explaining your accent because THIS IS RAW DEAL!

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GRAB A SLICE AND A PAIR OF SCISSORS AND CATCH A FLICK! WITH US!!! THE CANNON BROS(Geoff and Frank). We are releasing from behind the paywall of our Patreon, our full commentary episode on the 1986 Cannon/Stallone classic "Cobra". If it is your favorite Cannon or just in your top 5, you gotta listen. These episodes are very fun to do, you can watch along or just listen to us snort and chuckle with each other. And if you enjoy then check out our Patreon for more exclusive to the Patreon commentary episodes. Until then! Go get a gummy bear and a giant hamburger and settle in! THANK YOU ALL FOR LISTENING!

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GET TO THE CHOPPA!!!! Is for some reason the line we have all held onto vs the literally HUNDREDS of fantastic one-liners in the 1987 stone-cold classic "PREDATOR"! Look The Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) basically admit it...this one was for us. It might as well be called "CANT'VE Been a Cannon" because it is just TOO damn good. But it's been a hell of a year and we needed to treat ourselves. Do yourself the favor and listen to this episode. We go through it all. From Arnold being an equal opportunity screen hog to Jesse "The Body" stealing the show. 

Also, sci-fi and action's appropriate balance, the made-up IP that is the Predator lore. And all the "wait that's Shane Black?" in between. Plus, the whole thing is accompanied by a soundtrack that will dig in your ear like an Alabama tick. This movie is pure fun and so is this episode. 

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THAT THING IS GOING TO WORK! I GUARANTEE YOU THIS! Well...it's a promise maybe unfulfilled in the 1984 "Classic" "Erotic" "Film" "BOLERO" starring Bo Derek. And this week the Cannon Bros are joined by our wonderful guest, Kelly Hudson ( What Are You Into? podcast, Tond ) to figure out the answers to all of our burning questions. Is this movie erotic? Is Milk and Honey belly licking sexy?  What is the point of soft-core porn? Why is Bo Derek acting like that? Is that supposed to be a joke? And that? AND THAT? All while dealing with piles and piles of questionable production choices that will remind you...this is truly a Cannon. By the end, you'll be riding around butt naked on a horse just wishing George Kennedy was there to creep you out. BOLERO!!!

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WE SHALL BE THE DEVIL ON YOUR BACK! The Cannon Bros and Donald Pleasance, of course. We're talkin' 1989's Michael Dudikoff (almost Robert McGinty and Christopher Walken) mish-mash of a movie "River Of Death"! This movie has more stars and more plot/tone shifts than you can shake a stick at. It's every movie all at once. It has "jokes". It has a horny Donald Pleasance. It has a plot right out of "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" (but with Nazis). It has an insanely sleepy voice-over that would make Harrison Ford's Blade Runner voice-over seem like the life of the party. And most importantly...it has lots of ads for our newest sponsor (in spirit, not actual money) BLUE CHEW! And you will need a lot of it to get through that long long Cabaret scene. So come aboard for a ride down the RIVER OF DEATH!

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THIS MOVIE IS PURE COCAINE! That's right. We are in our "COULD'VE Been A Cannon" Series and still trying to come down from the high that is 1990's "PREDATOR 2". The movie that said "it's a franchise now and yes we planned out this mythology, DON'T QUESTION US!!!" Is it wilder that we haven't covered "Predator" yet OR how "Predator 2" was the right first choice because it is SO Cannon. Thank you Patreon member Peter Jacobson for picking this pure cocaine party put to film for us to watch. It's a fun ride (like Danny Glover hanging from the side of a car shooting cartoonish gang members). 

We ask important questions like...How do the Yautja and Danny Glover know references to the first movie? Why is everyone screaming as they throw bullets nonstop?! Where's the full Busey cut CUT?! And could that trophy case use more skulls of familiar aliens? We think an ALF or E.T. skull would look great next to that Xenomorph skull.

Warning: Do NOT have a cold brew before you watch because you'll wonder if it's the caffeine or the franticness of this movie that's giving you a heart attack (like Geoff did). 

Put on your annoying heat vision way too many times and enjoy this episode! 

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