The Cannon Canon

Took us long enough but the Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) are finally covering the 1989 JCVD essential KICKBOXER! The movie The Cannon Canon has NO qualms about saying is definitely better than Rain Man. Join us as we break down why training montages are SO damn satisfying, Cronenberg strip joints, still remembering the ice despite knowing your brother is about to get destroyed, JCVD "dancing" memes and what up with that hawk?!

Plus, pan flute score galore (and a real flute with fake flute sound), The Van Damme Bunz Appreciation Society (even Sir Mixalot gotta give it up), and the unneeded and unnecessary plot move and tonal shift of a single scene (the rest is perfect). 

You'll come away wondering....Do YOU have the heart of a hero?

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"YEAH! IT'S GOOD!" Things get uncharacteristically serious for the Cannon Bros (Frank & Geoff) because we're covering 1988's Platoon Leader! The Vietnam action drama directed by Molasses 2x4's bother, Aaron Norris and starring Cannon darling Michael Dudikoff. A movie we could only watch for free with ads or on YouTube via some account titled War TV. And according to the YouTube comments, this one is a mixed bag of accuracies and Hollywood BS! It's a movie less with a plot and more of a vignette of scenes that presents like that play from Rushmore. It's a smattering of word salad quotes, rushed character arcs and Duduikoff does some heavy lifting with his acting. We talk about Hollywood’s boner with Vietnam, the logistics of war injuries and the movie's biggest star turn...the snake! You'll wonder, "what was Greaser’s deal again?" And Eugene Levy shows up during our Woodstock '94 talk?! One thing's for sure...we should've never been there. 

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OH GOD! OH MAN OH GOD! OH MAN! OH...baby. Have we got a wild one today. The Cannon Bros (Geoff and Frank) are tackling the 1987 Norman Mailer "Comedy" Crime Drama, Tough Guys Don't Dance. Joining us is the author of The Cannon Film Guide Vol 1, 1980-1984 and the upcoming The Cannon Film Guide Vol 2, 1985-1988, Austin Trunick! That's right a POWERHOUSE of Cannon films knowledge. But will we be able to tell you what is going on in this movie? Probably not. Will we be able to explain if this is a powerful parody of the genre or Norman Mailer crapped this movie and book out in a haze of cocaine? Unclear. And why is everyone spitting out their unwieldy dialogue like they are doing a high school production of a Tennessee Williams play in the middle of Rhode Island? Well, we definitely don't get that, but we have a lot of fun trying to figure it out and so will you! So, sit back, relax, grab a head in a bag or three? And start figuring out if Tough Guys really Don't Dance? Maybe?

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HE'S A SUPER SNOOPER! REALLY SUPER TROOPER! OH BOY! If you know what those lyrics are, then you know what you're in for. And if not? Prepare yourself for the 1980 Sergio Corbucci Italian Comedy, Poliziotteschi, in its own wonderful category..."SUPERFUZZ"! (or Super Snooper or Poliziotto superpiù). Whatever you call it- it's amazing. It isn't Cannon but it definitely COULD'VE Been a Cannon! And this ultra-special movie was picked by our amazing Patreon member Chris Norris aka Steak Mtn. A man almost as wonderful as this movie. We almost don't want to even explain it because, well...it just wouldn't make any sense. All you need to know going in is that low-rent Franco Nero, Terrence Hill, is a super-powered cop with infinite abilities? Sure. You will be as confused as Borgnine, but enjoy the ride and we GUARANTEE the theme song will be stuck in your head for the rest of your life. AND THAT IS A GOOD THING! Eat a mountain of beans and avoid the color red, it's SUPERFUZZ! 

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MMMMM THAT MANTRA FELT GOOD! And you will feel good listening to the Cannon Bros talk about 1990's "Rockula" with special guest Matt Rubano (Taking Back Sunday, Angels and Airwaves). The movie you can watch and script yourself all at the same time. Tony Basil has some bathtime fun with Tony Cox (Yes, that Tony Basil). Thomas Dolby's fake commercials give the movie a much-needed comedic bump (Yes, that Thomas Dolby). And Bo Diddley will bum you out with how low he will go for a paycheck (my god, yes...that Bo Diddley). And in between, Geoff's Wax Trax radar goes off. Matt tells us how he really feels about musical comedy. Everyone gets disgusted by "bat dork" and Frank gives some tough love to Geoff about finishing that Rockula 2 script that Michael Fassbender will one day win an Oscar for. And...*sigh* Rapula. 

Do like Matt and "yield to Rockula"!

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SLEEP TIGHT SUCKER! Because the Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) are back and they are watching the 1986 Cannon Classic The Delta Force. Oh baby, it's Chuck Norris, Lee Marvin and a cavalcade of stars from disaster movie past to do Cannon's own version of a disaster movie. What happens when you combine a very politically complicated "Based on a true story" terrorist situation with Chuck Norris on a missile launching motorcycle? Well, you're left with a movie you think is going to be a kick-ass action film that...kind of just makes you wait. And wait...and wonder if they are handling this all correctly but then..you wait. And then OH IT'S THE GREATEST THEME EVER AND NORRIS IS KICKING PEOPLE AND FARTING OUT MISSILES SO WHO CARES! But don't worry...it is a Norris movie so we definitely get into a PTSD "is this all in his head" theory. Would you expect anything else from the Cannon Bros or DELTA FORCE?!

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"I'M NO MORE MR. VIGILANTE!" Yeah right Bronson because the proof is in the pudding and the pudding is 1985's Death Wish 3! Bronson is back as well as our first return guest, Noah Segan(Knives Out and our episode on Death Wish II)! And we are going through all the beauty that is Kersey's return to NY and murder. It's nothing but buttermilk, potrosts and Home Alone style traps killing creeps for stealing pocketbooks. Everything you could ever want out of a Death Wish times 1000 and mixed in with a great conversation about old Hollywood with Noah. So start rubbing two dollars together for some ice cream and some vengeance Bronson style!

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"HIS SAVAGERY HAS BEEN CANCELLED!" And maybe this movie should have been as well. Because if you look to the stars you can see the constellations for the most disappointing sequels and shining bright amongst those constellations is 1985's The Adventures of Hercules! And the Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) are dealing with this boner killer of a sequel BIG TIME. The Cannon Bros end up feeling almost as duped as Lou Ferrigno finding out he filmed a Hercules sequel without his knowledge. You will be amazed at how one movie could reuse so much footage from the previous film and still have it be confusing as hell. The future belongs to chaos..and science and a Pink Floyd laser light experience King Kong vs Dinosaur fight? Throw on your mermaid pasties and settle in for this "adventure". 

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WE ARE GONNA TAKE YOU TO THE BLOOD BANK! Because on today's COULD'VE BEEN A CANNON episode, the Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) are talking about the 1988 Steven Seagal debut "ABOVE THE LAW" aka "Nico". Half of his family are cops, half are in the mob and Seagal is 100% your dad's wet dream in this movie. We go through it all. From Seagal's maybe realistic but mostly odd fighting style; to his odd screen presence that gives our beloved Molasses 2x4 a run for his money to the odd fact that...he's lying right?! Seagal is lying about everything that happened in his life that went into this complicated plot. The Cannon Bros try to piece together if he is Frank Dux redux as we wade through the pretty fun one-liners and figure out: Would Nico do anything for his family? Really.

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PLEASE DON'T INTERRUPT US WHILE WE SOLILOQUIZE! Because we got some classic horror actors in the house and a lot of things to say about them. The Cannon Bros take on 1984's elderly horror icon supergroup nod to Hammer Horror films House of the Long Shadows! And joining us from Left Handed Radio is Adam Bozarth and Anna Rubanova. And we all have matching Vincent Price impressions, don't you worry. Not to mention a handful of Dezi Arnaz Jr impressions to break down what are these long shadows that are falling on these elderly men's long faces? Not to mention the many, many confusing questions about what exactly is happening in this house and what is reality and what ISN'T (Vincent Price voice). And most importantly we try to answer...which member of the Traveling Wilburys are each of the Hammer Horror stars? Don't go betting 20k with your publisher that you can finish a book better than Wuthering Heights in 24 hours. Just listen to this episode! 

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