The Cannon Canon

We like the pain AND the misery! And we can't believe it took us this long to get to a Jean Claude Van-Damme movie. So this week The Cannon Bros are tackling JCVD's 1989 film "Cyborg" with special guest Andy Beckerman (Beginnings Podcast, Couples Therapy podcast). From the corpses of Masters of the Universe 2 and Spider-Man, Cyborg rose like a phoenix from the ashes to give the world constant slow-motion spin kicks, constant yelling, constant ripping off of Brian Bosworth sunglasses to show them piercing blue eyes and constant confusion about what exactly a "slinger" is. We wade through the many minutes of JCVD staring off into the middle distance in a flashback that goes into a flashback and wonder along with him: should we make a movie about the making of Cyborg? Well come on down to the Wasteland, follow a billion red herrings and end up where we all will: marveling at JCVD's splits in that one beautiful shot. Cyborg...we got you covered.

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Get ready for a softer side of Chuck Norris...kind of...not really. The Cannon Bros (Frank and Geoff) are diving deep into the 1988 Norris vehicle "Hero And The Terror". From the Molasses 2x4 in a sweater cracking "jokes", to watching the great Steve James get sidelined to a thankless role (while doing a confusing character voice) to Norris being the worst partner and father to be. The Cannon Bros give fatherly advice all to the tune of Prong's "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck"...with plenty of slow-mo windmill kicks and pointless ADR to go around. Listen and YOU can decide if Norris should really have earned the nickname "Hero". It'll have you quickly saying "Hey, how ya doin'?" to random Jesse Ventura looking dudes on the street! 

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ONE MORE DAY TILL HALLOWEEN! SILVER SHAMROCK! We are breaking format for our first "COULD'VE Been a Cannon" episode and the Cannon Canon bros (Frank and Geoff) are covering one of our favorite movies of all time: HALLOWEEN III: Season of the Witch! If there ever was a movie that COULD have been a Cannon film, this would be it. SO much to love here. From a drunk womanizing protagonist, to a diabolical plan that could be ruined by timezones to the secret nexus of the universe that is a gas station somewhere in California, we cover it all. Pop a Mentos, watch out for Peter Cetera robots and give it a listen! 

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EVERYTHING CAN'T BE CREEPY!!! Or can it? The Cannon Bros(Frank and Geoff) explore that question in 1984's "Hospital Massacre" or "X-Ray" or a billion other titles. In one of Cannon's early jumps into the slasher genre, the bros will also answer: Are these nurses in Human League? What is the deal with those Shakespearean witches? What exactly is Dirty Synthy? And is it a hamburger or a Sloppy Joe? Oh and is this a successful horror movie? Come on! It's hundo- Le Bon!  

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GETTIN' A LIL' GINTY! This week the Cannon Bros(Frank and Geoff) dive deep into 1984's EXTERMINATOR 2! We talk about all the burning action and figure out what Cannon films would be like in a Twitter world. From the quickest flame throwers in the world, to cocaine as an acting choice to the the craziest sight lines you will EVER see. The Cannon bros are gonna take you on a tour of the seediest parts of Exterminator 2 as well as mid 2000 Williamsburg/Greenpoint as we RALLY ROUND THE MOON!

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"Daddy?!" This week the Cannon Bros (Frank & Geoff) go underground (to the center of the earth!) to watch the 1988  Kathy Ireland vehicle, ALIEN FROM L.A.! Joining us on this journey is voice-actor, comedian and musician Sandra Saad (Marvel's Avengers video game, Eye of the Sun)! We talk about Kathy Ireland's borderline offensive mean girl approach to sounding like a "nerd", Deep Roy's deep long eyelashes, morphine drip acting, unnecessary and inconsistent dual casting, the Alien from L.A. extended cinematic universe, random love interests introduced over an HOUR into the movie and so so much more!!! It's truly the random-ass Halloween decorated lawns of movies! 

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Today the Cannon Canon bros are split up! Its like Michael Dudikoff or Steve James left to their lonesome, as Geoff takes on a quick minisode on his own. As we take a brief respite from regular episodes to refuel our Cannon jets, Geoff will give you a little thanks for all your listening. A little preview of some upcoming episodes. A couple big ideas we have for the future. Even a call out for someone to make us shirts(Molasses 2x4 anyone?). And probably some other things he forgot he babbled about. You can consider this like one of those weird clip shows they used to do the night before the beginning of the new Saturday Morning Cartoon lineup. But if that was just Geoff talking. IT WILL BE GREAT!

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It's our first Global Pictures movie! Even though the trailer has the Cannon logo. This week the Cannon Bros (Frank & Geoff) take on 1993 or 1995's technically released in theaters but sort of direct to video "erotic" "horror" film, Night Terrors! Directed by Tobe "TCM 2" Hooper. And joining us is the very funny Halle Kiefer (Ruined podcast)! Robert Englund plays the depraved Marquis De Sade and his Yuppie descendant Paul Chevalier. Is it erotic? Privates floppin' around on horses, snake jobs, Freddy rip off scenes,  Mermaid cults, weird dad's dressed as boyscouts, imagining Tobe Hooper directing sex scenes. Whatever it is...it's definitely Tobe Hooper's Night Terrors. 

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The Cannon Bros (Frank & Geoff) take a trip to "moments of disappointment from your childhood" with this week's big-budget Cannon film, 1987's "Masters of the Universe"! And who better to join us than the NEW ORKO himself, GRIFFIN NEWMAN (Blank Check pod, The Tick, Masters of the Universe: Revelation). We discuss John Williams Rip Off Scores! He-Man's not even the star! Langella Love! Petty George Lucas! Kids love Billy Barty! Poor Pig Boy! “Guess you should have avoided The Noid”! And SO much more. Even a lil' "spoiler-free" tidbit about the new Masters of the Universe coming to Netflix. Good journey, Cannon Canon listeners! 

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The Cannon Bros take a little detour to interview Austin Trunick about his new book The Cannon Film Guide Volume 1: 1980-1984!

We talk about some Kim's Video love, the best rejection letter EVER, how Firewalker was a sample script, Dustin Hoffman takes Cannon to court, Tobe Hooper’s Pinocchio?! and so much more! 

It's a must-have book for any Cannon-head. Check it out!

(Heads up: Had some audio issues, but we tried to clean it up as best as possible. Enjoy!)

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