Clear boundaries help children mature and families work well, says parenting coach Joseph Driessen. He tells Kathryn Ryan what strong leadership looks like from a parent.

Clear boundaries help children mature and families work well, says parenting coach Joseph Driessen.

He tells Kathryn Ryan what strong leadership looks like from a parent.

Listen to the interview

Some parents are very strict and demanding, while others are very liberal, approaching the task of raising a child as akin to growing a plant, Driessen says.

Veering to either of these extremes is not good.

"If you become too aggressive, authoritarian and angry, and say ' never harmed me' ... then you should listen to yourself. And think 'didnt it?'

" if you're too liberal and wishy-washy and you let your children get away with what they shouldn't, it doesn't do them any good.

"Children become anxious, oppositional and angry if they feel their parents are not doing their job."

As a parent, it's best to view your job as the coach of a team - and the coaching starts the minute you get up.

Coaching a child is much more effective than correcting them because in doing that, you make your expectations clear.

Aim to be coaching 90 percent of the time and correcting only 10 percent, Driessen says, showing the child over and over again what you want to see until they get it.

"Parents getting annoyed with their children for not doing things , it's because the children haven't been coached enough."

Active coaching helps a child to feel that the parent is on their side and wants to help them, he says.

It involves praising them not only when they do something well but also for any signs of improvement, however small, so they come to associate positivity with working towards improvement.

All children defy and disobey, and while sometimes you can divert and distract them from this stance, there will always be times when a parent has to say 'this must be done' or 'this must stop now', Driessen says.

If a behaviour needs to change, first negotiate with the child, asking them for input on how it can be done. Then, if it carries on, there must be a consequence.

Don't be afraid of delivering consequences as they are part of providing good leadership, he says.

Time-out in their bedroom - with the door open - can be a good opportunity for a child to chill out and reflect.

If they're too young for time out, have some 'time in' where you sit with them in their room while they have a meltdown…

Go to this episode on rnz.co.nz for more details