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We don't have a traditional episode this week, but we've cobbled together some outtakes for your listening pleasure. So sit back and enjoy us embarrassing ourselves in various and creative ways.

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Daenerys visits the House of the Undying. She faces visions and trials in the pursuit of wisdom. But eventually has to be rescued from the clutches of the phantoms by Drogon, breathing fire like a real dragon. Simon and Mackelly get out the marshmallows.

Chapter Review:
Daenerys Targaryen is not getting what she wants from the citizens of Qarth, so she’s going to try Pyatt Pree and the warlocks of the House of the Undying. None of her friends like the plan. Pree gives her advice for getting to the Undying Ones, once within, and she heads inside.

She has multiple visions, of her father, her brother, her other brother, and other strange imagery. None of it is terribly helpful to either her, nor the sleuthy reader. She finally meets the Undying. They are spectral husks who have no wisdom to offer, beyond riddles and are determined to imprison her.

Drogon, who’s come along for just such an eventuality, sets fire to the Undying and the great heart that appears to be their life-force. Dany and Drogon get out of their to the fury of Pree, who tries to kill Dany, but is prevented by Drogon and her bloodriders.

Characters/Places/Names/Events:
Daenerys Targaryen - Daughter of King Aerys. Widow of Khal Drogo. Mother of dragons. Claimant to the Iron Throne. Khaleesi of a small khalasar in Essos.
Drogon - Dany’s black dragon.
Ser Jorah Mormont - Banished Lord of Bear Island. Advisor to Daenerys Targaryen.
Jhogo - Dothraki warrior. Bloodrider of Daenerys Targaryen.
Aggo - Dothraki warrior. Bloodrider of Daenerys Targaryen.
Rakharo - Dothraki warrior. Bloodrider of Daenerys Targaryen.
Qarth - City on the south coast of Essos
Pyat Pree - Warlock of Qarth
Xaro Xhoan Daxos - Merchant Prince of Qarth.
Quaithe of the Shadow - A shadowbinder from Asshai. She wears a wooden lacquered mask to hide all but her eyes.
Ilyrio Mopatis - Wealthy merchant of Pentos. Former host of the Targaryens siblings and believed to be plotting with Varys to reinstall Dany on the Iron Throne.

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Arya burns her third wish in helping the north take Harrenhal from Amory Lorch. She’s abetted by Jaqen H’ghar and surprisingly Vargo Hoat - who has switched sides and is working for Roose Bolton. Mackelly and Simon weigh up what this means for Arya and the war.

Chapter Review:
Arya Stark's life has improved since Weese died. She roams Harrenhal after dark. She visits Hot Pie who is making bread for the morning. Their conversation is disturbed by the arrival of Vargo Hoat’s Bloody Mummers, with a hundred or more northern prisoners. He brags to Amory Lorch of a big victory over Roose Bolton’s men. Lorch has the captives taken to a cell. Arya begins to think of a plan.

She visits Gendry to enlist his help in freeing the prisoners. He’s not interested. She offers him the amazing reward of the gratitude of her mother and maybe even a job at Winterfell? Be still his beating heart. He points out that he’s doing the same job here, why should he care where or for whom. She goes instead to the Godswood to practice her water dancing, where she meets Jaqen H’ghar.

She wants him to help her free the prisoners, but he only owes her one death. She says his name, and he threatens to do it. But Arya agrees to unname him if he’ll help. With Rorge and Biter, they overcome the guards with kettles of soup and free the prisoners, who were expecting help. Turns out that Hoat had turned and the prisoners were an advance force of Roose Bolton’s army.

When Bolton arrives, he makes Arya his cup-bearer as a token of his appreciation for her aid in freeing Harrenhal. 

Characters/Places/Names/Events
Arya Stark - Younger daughter of Eddard "Ned" and Catelyn Stark.
Gendry - Friend of Arya. Former armorer’s apprentice. Bastard son of King Robert Baratheon. Working in the Harrenhal smiths.
Hot Pie - Friend of Arya. Working in the Harrenhal kitchens.
Amory Lorch - Cruel Lannister knight. Implicated in the murder of Rhaegar Targaryen’s two children. Acting castellan of Harrenhal.
Vargo Hoat - Leader of the Brave Companions, aka the Bloody Mummers. Flamboyant, lisping swellsword.
Roose Bolton - Lord of the Dreadfort. Heading up the eastern contingent of Robb Stark’s army.
Jaqen H’ghar - Mysterious Lorathi whom Arya saved from death during the battle between the Night’s Watc

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The sea has come to Winterfell. Bran is forced to cede the seat of House Stark to Theon Greyjoy. Mikken the smith is killed and Hodor beaten. Meanwhile, Theon assures all that they’ll be treated kindly as long as they follow orders. Simon and Mackelly smell something fishy.

Chapter Review:
Bran has an extended wolf-dream in which Summer tries to escape the walled godswood. The wolf has no inclination to climb, but his Bran-half leads him up a tree. Summer slips and falls. On impact, Bran awakens to a pain in his shoulder. He hopes Summer is OK.

A stranger enters Bran’s room followed by Theon Greyjoy. Theon tells Bran to come down and inform the citizens of their new ruler. Bran, Rickon, Maester Luwin, the Walders, and the Reeds, are brought to the main hall. The 30 or so Iron Islanders have gathered the other citizens of Winterfell. Hayhead has a nasty wound, Alebelly has been killed, and Palla (who played with Bran and the Walders in the godswood) has been raped.

Theon demands obedience, but Mikken the smith is having none of it. He spits vitriol at Theon until a spear is thrust through his neck and he drowns on his own blood. Fulfilling more of Jojen Reed’s prophetic dream. Hodor wails in dismay at Mikken’s death and is beaten by Theon’s men. All the while Theon claims that the people will find him a fair and gentle lord.

The prisoner Reek and Osha both pledge fealty to Theon and are given their freedom. Bran sees the second of these as quite the betrayal, although less than Theon’s.

Characters/Places/Names/Events:
Brandon (Bran) Stark -  Middle son of Eddard (Ned) and Catelyn (Cat) Stark. He was pushed from a tower by Jamie Lannister and lost the use of his legs. 
Maester Luwin - Maester in the service of house Stark at Winterfell.
Rickon Stark - Youngest son of Ned and  Cat Stark.
Hodor - Huge but simple man who carries Bran Stark wherever he wishes to go.
Big Walder Frey - Grandson of Lord Walder Frey. Ward of Winterfell.
Little Walder Frey - Grandson of Lord Walder Frey. Ward of Winterfell.
Osha - Wildling captured by the Starks now held as servant/prisoner in Winterfell.
Theon Greyjoy - Heir to the Iron Islands. Former ward of Winterfell.
Mikken - Smith of Winterfell.
Ser Rodrik Cassel - Master-at-arms and

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Cat muses on her duties while Edmure’s forces repel Tywin Lannister’s repeated attempts to ford the Red Fork. Riverrun celebrates as Tywin’s army retreats to the headwaters of the Blackwater Rush, but Cat is uneasy. Mackelly and Simon consider Tywin’s next move.

Chapter Review:
Catelyn Stark sees her brother Edmure ride out of Riverrun to prevent Tywin Lannister from returning back to the Westerlands. She feels like she’s done her duty all her life, but where her duty lies now is cloudier. News arrives from Storm’s End of Courtnay Penrose’s demise and the ceding of the castle to Stannis. There is no mention of Edric Storm, but Brienne has met him and confirms that he looks just like Renly, who in turn looked just like Robert. The seed is strong.

In a separate letter, Roose Bolton has confirmed his plan to cut off Tywin’s natural retreat, by taking Harrenhal, even if he has to kill everyone within to do so. He also hopes that this will remove the stain caused by the behavior of his bastard son Ramsay.

Tywin’s forces begin to probe the Riverland's defenses along the Red Fork. They’re repelled again and again. Cat questions ser Cleos Frey about what he saw in King’s Landing. She understands why the Lannister’s terms were rejected, but is fixated on the offer of Jamie for Sansa and Arya. Frey admits he only saw Sansa, but Cat’s not sure what that means.

Tywin comes in force and after multiple pitched battles he is repelled and retreats south, away from both Riverrun and Harrenhal. His destination is the headwaters of the Blackwater Rush, the river that runs to King’s Landing. The people of Riverrun celebrate, but Cat’s fears only increase.

Characters/Places/Names/Events:
Catelyn Stark - Lady of Winterfell. Widow of Lord Eddard Stark and daughter of Hoster Tully, the Lord Paramount of the Riverlands.
Brienne of Tarth - Tall and homely Daughter of Lord Selwyn Tarth the Evenstar. She is an expert with a sword. Was known as Brienne the Blue, for her blue cloak in King Renly’s Rainbow Guard.
Edmure Tully - Younger brother to Catelyn Stark, heir to Riverrun.
Hoster Tully - Cat’s father. Lord of the Riverlands. Bed-ridden and in failing health.
Tywin Lannister - Lord of the Westerlands.
Roose Bolton - Northern Lord, last seen on the Green Fork e

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Tyrion gets wind of Cersei’s latest plots. He tries to convince Shae to take a job in the Red Keep. He discusses the news from Storm’s End with Varys who shares his hatred of all things magic. Mackelly and Simon try to weave the threads.

Chapter Review:
Tyrion Lannister learns from Lancel that Cersei plans to hide Tommen at Rosby. Tyrion doesn’t mind this plan, but wants Tommen’s guards to be loyal to him. He sends Jacelyn Bywater to do the job, with a promise of a lordship in return. To this point Bywater has been completely non-partisan - and the lordship is the payment for taking sides.

Tyrion heads to Shae - risking going straight there. He wants her to move to the Red Keep - the city is too dangerous. But the only way he can see to do that is to get her a job as a servant. She’s not pleased. They fight and he slaps her. Out of remorse, he spills the story of Tysha but then regrets being so vulnerable. They leave on bad terms.

With Varys they discuss the fall of Storm’s End. Varys thinks magic was used to kill Ser Courtnay Penrose, but Tyrion thinks there are more mundane explanations. Varys relates his becoming a eunuch at the hands of a sorcerer and his revulsion of magic thereafter. Tyrion is moved by Varys’ tale. They head back to the Red Keep to plan the defenses against Stannis.

Characters/Places/Names/Events:
Queen Cersei Lannister - Widow of King Robert Baratheon, twin sister of Ser Jamie Lannister. Mother of King Joffrey Baratheon.
King Joffrey Baratheon - Bastard son of Jaime Lannister and his twin sister Queen Cersei Lannister. Currently King Joffrey Baratheon First of His Name.
Tyrion Lannister - Youngest son of Tywin Lannister. Brother to queen Cersei and Jamie Lannister. Acting Hand of the King.
Varys - Master of Spies, member of the Small Council.
Ser Cortnay Penrose - Castellan of Storm’s End. Recently murdered by Stannis Baratheon’s shadow demon.
Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish - Master of Coin, member of the Small Council, and childhood friend to Catelyn Stark.
Jacelyn Bywater - New Commander of the City Watch (AKA Gold Cloaks).
Bronn - A sellsword. Now Tyrion’s friend and bodyguard.
Stannis Baratheon - Claimant to the Iron Throne.
Shae - Former prostitute, now paramour of Tyrion Lannister.

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Qhorin Halfhand and his crew arrive at the Fist of the First Men. They’ve seen some action but gained valuable intelligence. Mance Rayder is seeking some magic to bring down the Wall. Three small groups will scout ahead and do what they can to prevent this. Mackelly and Simon long for the comforts of Castle Black.

Chapter Review:
Jon Snow is roused from sleep by horns of the Night’s Watch. One blast means that it is rangers returning. Qhorin Halfhand has arrived with 100 men from the Shadow Tower. There are injuries and missing horses. The Halfhand recognizes Jon, he knew Ned and Ned’s father, and Jon shares the Stark look.

Mormont and Qhorin discuss what to do. Intelligence suggests that Mance Rayder has gathered a significant host, but that it comprises as many women and children as fighting men. Also that he might be seeking some device in the Frostfangs that would allow him to breach the Wall. Even if his plans are more worldly, he, as a former brother of the Night’s Watch, knows the strengths and weaknesses so he poses a risk.

Mormont considers re-garrisoning some of the abandoned castles along the Wall. Meanwhile, Qhorin will take a handpicked crew into the Frostfangs to find the truth of what’s going on, and if necessary put a stop to it. Jon gets the call.

Characters/Places/Names/Events:
Night's Watch - The men who guard the Seven Kingdoms against threats from beyond the Wall.
Jon Snow - Bastard son of Ned Stark. Recently sworn brother of the Night’s Watch.
Samwell Tarly - Brother of the Night’s Watch. Heavy-set and cowardly. Attendant to Maester Aemon. Friend to Jon Snow.
Ser Jeor Mormont - Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch.
Maester Aemon - 100 year-old maester of the Night’s Watch.
Ghost - Jon Snow’s direwolf.
Mance Rayder - Leader of the wildlings, self-styled King-Beyond-The-Wall.
Thoren Smallwood - Acting first ranger of the Night’s Watch.
Eddison Tollett (Dolorous Edd) - Unhappy member of the Night’s Watch.
Benjen Stark - Brother of Ned Stark, uncle to Jon Snow. First Ranger of the Night’s Watch. Has been missing north of the Wall for many months.
Qhorin Halfhand - Ranger of the Night’s Watch from the Shadow Tower.

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Davos has rejoined his king, but admires the implacable Cortnay Penrose a lot more than Stannis’ new supporters. Davos smuggles Melisandre beneath the walls of Storm’s End where she gives birth to a shadow in Stannis’ form. Simon and Mackelly pick over the afterbirth.

Chapter Review:
Ser Cortnay parlays with Stannis and supporters beneath the walls of Storm’s End. He refuses to yield the castle while one of the conditions is handing over Edric Storm. Stannis’ new bannermen try to reassure Penrose, but the old knight throws scorn on their trustworthiness. Ser Cortnay offers single combat to settle matters without a siege, but Stannis demurs.

Davos rides back with Stannis who confides that forgiving the lords that followed Renly sticks in his craw. Davos advises the king to forget Storm’s End and focus on King’s Landing. But Stannis is confident that Ser Cortnay dies tonight and the castle, and his bastard nephew, will be his.

To that end, Davos recreates his fabled onion-run when he saved Stannis and the denizens of Storm’s End from salvation. This time, he brings not food, but Melisandre. She may also cause tears. En route, they discuss good and evil and the grey areas in between. When they arrive beneath the walls, the way is blocked by a portcullis, but they’re close enough. Meslisandre reveals that she is very pregnant and immediately gives birth to a shadow the size and shape of Stannis Baratheon. Davos wonders what he’s done.

Characters/Places/Names/Events:
Stannis Baratheon - (Arguably) The rightful king of the Seven Kingdoms. Husband to Selyse. Father of Shireen.
Melisandre - The Red Woman of Ashaii. Priestess of R’Hellor, the Lord of Light. Advisor to King Stannis. 
Ser Davos Seaworth - The Onion Knight. Advisor to King Stannis.
Devan Seaworth - Squire to King Stannis. Son of Ser Davos. Recent convert to the Lord of Light. 
Renly Baratheon - Robert and Stannis’ youngest brother. Recently assassinated in mysterious circumstances.
Joffrey Baratheon - King of the 7 Kingdoms as son of the former King Robert. Known to be the bastard son of his mother Cersei and her twin Jamie Lannister.
Alester Florent - Head of house Florent. Uncle to Queen Selyse.   
Salladhor Saan - Pirate prince of the Narrow Sea. Former accomplice of Davos Sea

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Myrcella sets sail for Dorne, via Braavos. Riding back through the city a riot breaks out. Lives are lost, but thanks to the Hound not Sansa Stark’s. Jacelyn Bywater informs Tyrion that the smallfolk consider Tyrion the root of all their problems. With Bronn and Varys, Tyrion begins to consider replacing Joffrey with Tommen. Simon and Mackelly weigh the options.

Chapter Review:
Myrcella Baratheon is shipping off to Dorne where, when older, she will marry Trystane Martell. She’s going a circuitous route, which will significantly reduce King’s Landing's already insufficient naval force, but Cersei wants her daughter safe. Ser Arys Oakheart of the Kingsguard will travel with her as her personal bodyguard. Her arrival in Braavos is the signal for the Martells to move into the passes that border the Stormlands with the intent of holding some of Stannis’ forces from the envisioned assault on King’s Landing.

The royal party heads back through the streets, lined with hangry citizens. The king is struck in the face with excrement, and rather than hastening a retreat to the Red Keep, he stops to set his Hound on those he perceives to blame. A riot ensues. Several in the party lose their lives including the High Septon. But Sansa Stark, briefly lost, is saved by Sandor Clegane.

Hours later, the gold cloaks have regained control of the city, but Bywater warns Tyrion that the situation worsens daily. The smallfolk believe their suffering began when Tyrion was named Hand of the King. Tyrion is hurt by the insinuation. Bronn notes that Tommen is a much nicer kid than Joffrey and Westeros would be so much nicer of a place if the younger brother was to somehow become the King. Tyrion cannot help but imagine the prospect.
 
Characters/Places/Names/Events:
Queen Cersei Lannister - Widow of King Robert Baratheon, twin sister of Ser Jamie Lannister. Mother of King Joffrey Baratheon.
King Joffrey Baratheon - Bastard son of Jaime Lannister and his twin sister Queen Cersei Lannister. Currently King Joffrey Baratheon First of His Name.
Tyrion Lannister - Youngest son of Tywin Lannister. Brother to queen Cersei and Jamie Lannister. Acting Hand of the King.
Varys - Master of Spies, member of the Small Council.
Petyr "Littlefinger" Baelish - Master of Coin, member of the Small C

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Daenerys fails to convince any of the grandees of Qarth to fund her plans to invade Westeros. Factions vye for her favor, but all seem bent on ownership of her dragons. She decides that it’s time to see the warlocks. Mackelly and Simon survey her options.

Chapter Review:
Daenerys Targaryen rides in Xaro Xhoan Daxos’ palanquin having been rebuffed by the Pureborn of Qarth. Her bribes and supplications were for nothing. She was a novelty to them and no more. He reiterates his offer to marry her and provide all that she will ever need. Qarth custom is that married couples maintain their own property, so she would not have to share her dragons. However, Dany thinks he’s more interested in the young male servants that populate his house.

They stop to watch a firemage perform amazing tricks, and Dany is approached by Quaithe. The shadowbinder explains that the firemage’s powers have skyrocketed since Dany arrived. The dragons amplify magic. Quaithe again warns Dany that nobody is to be trusted, that all want her dragons for themselves, and that she should go east to Asshai to find the truth.

Later, Ser Jorah tells Dany the one fact that Xaro is concealing. On their wedding day, each can ask the other for a gift that cannot be denied. One of her dragons would surely be forfeit. They conclude that they’re not getting anywhere, but Dany cannot understand why the comet led them to Qarth if not to provide them with soldiers and ships. They decide their next, and last, stop in Qarth will be with Pyat Pree and the warlocks.

Characters/Places/Names/Events:
Daenerys Targaryen - Daughter of King Aerys. Widow of Khal Drogo. Mother of dragons. Claimant to the Iron Throne. Khaleesi of a small khalasar in Essos.
]Ser Jorah Mormont - Banished Lord of Bear Island. Advisor to Daenerys Targaryen. Lord Commander of her Queensguard.
Jhogo - Dothraki warrior. Bloodrider of Daenerys Targaryen.
Aggo - Dothraki warrior. Bloodrider of Daenerys Targaryen.
Rakharo - Dothraki warrior. Bloodrider of Daenerys Targaryen.
Qarth - City on the south coast of Essos.
Pyat Pree - Great warlock of Qarth.
\Xaro Xhoan Daxos - Merchant Prince of Qarth.
Quaithe of the Shadow - Shadowbinder from Asshai. She is a dignitary of Qarth. She wears a wooden lacquered mask to hide all

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