The Greatest Generation

When a pair of twins use their prominently placed keisters to smuggle an egg onboard the station, a deal brokered by Quark goes sideways and a man is killed. But when the prisoner shows Odo his necklace, the shape-shifter has a chain reaction. Is Lieutenant Toast a character that exists to save work doe the payroll department? Is this episode meant to be a stirring tribute to the makeup designer’s deceased father? Are these guys gum commercial twins or beer commercial twins? It’s the episode where we open ALL the presents and do ALL the ass jokes.

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When an extremely droopy Tony Robbins convenes a group of Ferengi economic minds, scheming for profit in the Gamma Quadrant is their top priority. But when he chooses Quark as his successor, the bartender is thrust from his comfortable place behind the scenes into a spotlight that proves dangerous. Where are the eyes supposed to go? Why would a Vulcan steal homework from a Ferengi? What are the chances that Rom has a nice apartment? It’s the episode that turns on Find My Friends!

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When diplomats from the Gamma Quadrant head straight past a good premise, they wind up in Quark’s bar. But when the Ferengi act like Ferengi, the stakes are raised for the staff of DS9 in the worst way possible. Are the Wadi elves or sharks? Is O’Brien just going to spend the rest of Season 1 on an air mattress at his mother-in-law’s house? Is Major Kira our emotional proxy? It’s the episode that is paid for with swag from a natural history museum gift shop.

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When Dr. Bashir witnesses the death of a dangerous criminal, the officer in charge of his capture presupposes that...maybe he’s alive? But when a new lieutenant has some fresh ideas w/r/t station security, Odo struggles to ensure their working relationship doesn’t get burnt. When is a super dumb Bela Lugosi voice ever a good idea? How long should you have to wait before dispensing corporal punishment? Is it a good time to start killing characters? It’s the episode that ravaged us all!

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When some sneaky aliens decide to out-creep Dr. Bashir, they attempt to abduct Jadzia. But when the trial begins, it’s unclear if she’s an ankylosaur or a floor mat. Can Odo be Christmas Lights? Is Klaestron 4 a “mask and gloves” planet? How do you direct Nana Visitor? It’s the episode with all the great older ladies.

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When Vash returns from the Gamma Quadrant with a sack full of toys, she brings back with her a person who knows when she’s asleep and when she’s awake. But when an auction for the quadrant’s hottest item starts causing bangers all over DS9, it’ll take more than a six finger discount to end the bidding. What kinds of holosuite programs does O’brien use to unwind after work? Have we seen ear diddling before? Is Vash more of a “cowboy” or “medium single” type? It’s an episode that was written for the wrong series!

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When the station encounters its first Gamma Quadrant alien, they send the handyman down to make First Contact. But when the alien’s pursuers show up, starfleet is forced to relax its policy about gunfights on the Promenade. Is #MeToo going to still be a thing hundreds of years from now? Why does that beverage cart have googly eyes? Is the Predator canonical Flash Gordon? It’s the episode where we become each other’s extravagance buddies.

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When the inhabitants of DS9 come down with a case of flop-sweat aphasia, O'Brien has to be thinking that the sexy part comes next. But when the word salad is followed by a deadly main course, Kira turns to kidnapping as a last resort. Does the Federation have enough people to fix DS9? Is it possible to hug the sick out of someone? Can Odo turn himself into cat litter? It's the episode that does not enjoy a gentle touch.

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When a Barnaby lookalike gets a decidedly unhappy ending on the holodeck, Constable Odo becomes the prime suspect. But when the kids of Deep Space Nine use the distraction to do pranks around the station, it’s up to a very unlikely character to teach them a lesson. What do we do about movie talkers? What’s the difference between where a Bajoran keeps their genitals and where they put them? Is Odo’s relationship history more problematic than Geordi’s? It’s the episode that’s pro Vichy Bubble.

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When Bashir makes friends with a man who is obviously a spy, the subterfuge, like the tailoring, goes way over his head. But when 90’s hair Bajorans start importing suspicious cargo, the crew will have to take risks far greater than hiding in a changing booth after store hours. Who’s your hall pass from the cast? Has DS9 overcompensated for the potted plant issue? What are Lursa and B’etor hiding with their boobs? It’s the episode where we really strain the portmanteau.

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