The Greatest Generation

When Lieutenant Riker finally gets picked up after eight years of perfecting his jack-kata in seclusion, he finds out that a perfect copy of him has been living his life, neglecting his girlfriend, and making choices in his career. Now the full-bearded yellow shirt is trying to win back Troi, complete the mission, and take down a few hands of poker while he’s at it. Is Night Bird a sex move? Which Riker has the more gruesome second quarters? What’s the saddest onion? It’s the episode that was recorded on a dark and stormy night.

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When Worf tampers with a smoke detector in his quarters, he's given a leave of absence to think about what he's done. But after a DNA test comes back positive for "deity," this new leader's presence creates political problems for the Klingon empire. How attached is Worf to his loaf? Can a holodeck babysit a child? Is Mr. DNA also Clippy? It's the episode that's like one long dead-air joke.

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When Beverly loses her job as Chief Medical Officer, Guinan can feel the storm coming in her joints. The Doctor proceeds to Rashomon the story of her dismissal to the mysterious bartender, in one of the most peculiarly structured episodes yet. Did Dr. Crusher start getting into subspace to be close to her son? Did the Vulcan Science Academy get woke? Can hats violate the laws of physics? It’s the episode where we fall in love with a dreamy police detective.

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When Commander Riker’s mind is compromised on a dangerous mission, his jailers convince him that the life he knew aboard the Entrepreneur has been a fantasy. But when the firewall he’s erected to preserve his sanity begins to crack, Riker must keep his edge or risk finishing his reality too soon. Is the Entrepreneur a Seattle-chill type place? How deep is too deep to bow? Is that a Cardassian pillow? It’s the episode you can think of in a pinch, to keep you in the game.

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When Picard’s archaeology mentor comes aboard bearing gifts, it gives him a bad case of career FOMO. And when the professor wraps his Previa around a tree, the captain feels compelled to use it as an excuse to avoid a potentially perilous conference. Is TNG the secret source of contemporary baby names? Did that Cardassian bridge go up someone’s nose? Why didn’t they ever explain why that ship asplode? Can we get through a plot about the theory of panspermia without making puerile jokes? It’s the episode where Adam really commits to his tentacle fetish.

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When Captain Picard falls for a pointy coworker, the harmony of their relationship reverberates throughout the ship. But when things heat up on a nearby planet, Picard must make a choice between saving some lives and extinguishing their romance. What's the least Kevin-y impression? Is the Hood the only place you can be truly safe? Who's had the worst life on the show? It's the episode with a decidedly non-Naked Gun love story.

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When the Entrepreneur is getting sprayed for space bugs, the entire crew disembarks for a local planet famous for its incessant smalltalk and picturesque horse riding trails. But when a ruthless group of criminals try to steal the nastiest stuff that comes out of the ship’s reactor, only JL Pipes can stop them. How often do the ship’s flight attendants have to do a brief safety demonstration? What other ‘hand stuff’ did Picard learn from Sarek? Is this just Wars trying to pull a heist on Trek? It’s the episode where chattiness is punishable by death.

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When Worf is taken prisoner behind enemy lines, he turns his incarceration into a Cool Hand Worf-type situation. But when the inmates start regarding their farm implements as the weapons they are, the warden increases Worf's sentence...to death! Do Klingons have two-factor suicide authentication? Why does Worf fall in love so easily? What's the most offensive portmanteau? It's the episode that looks a lot better at night.

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When alien technology and indigestion trigger parallel daddy quests for Data and Worf, one goes fully suicidal while the other goes full Rambo. All this is set against a tense backdrop of Captain Picard doing some aqueduct diplomacy and Dr. Crusher doing something decidedly naughty in Quark’s holosuites. Is Deep Space 9 well-lubricated enough for that space butthole? Did Farmer Hoggett get horribly burned in a fire? Under what circumstances is it OK for Worf to go on an unsanctioned black ops mission behind enemy lines? It’s the episode with the seven stages of podcast preparation.

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When Captain Picard spills an awful lot of pasta sauce on the front of his uniform, the all-powerful Q gives him an opportunity to make out with his hot friend from college. Now he has to play a round of Would You Rather where the choice is a sword to the heart or having a boring joe job. Does Wolf 359 go in the Picard column or the Q column? Why all the impalements? What does Predator Hair Metal sound like? How can Marta be so comfortable as the last clapper? It’s the episode that needs a universal translator for the word ‘embarrassment.’

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