Howdy folks. In lieu of a narrative episode this week (while I recover from the quadruple-length Battle of Kadesh), I wanted to alert you to an interview I did for the Autocrat podcast (available on Spotify, YouTube, and the Autocrat website). In a lengthy conversation, we explore the full gamut of Egyptian history from the Creation, through Pharaonic era, the Late Bronze Age Collapse, and up to the Roman Empire in Egypt (and the "last hieroglyphs" ever recorded). It's a fun conversation, please check it out! Autocrat Podcast Website.

I include an excerpt from the interview here about a recent article discussing Hatshepsut's shattered statues.

Additionally, Dr. Colleen Darnell the Vintage Egyptologist will be joining us on the show soon to discuss New Kingdom military hero tales. Dr. Darnell runs regular online classes about ancient Egypt, which you can find at her website.

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In June of 1287 BCE (approximately), one of antiquity’s great conflicts unfolded in southern Syria. Meeting near Kadesh (Qidsha), the armies of Egypt and Hatti fought each other in a spectacular engagement. The events of that battle are recorded, somewhat grandiosely, by Ramesses II in temple art and extended hieroglyph narratives. With those as our foundation, we explore the most dramatic day in the young pharaoh’s life.

CHAPTERS

0:00 - Prologue

5:45 - Part 1: A Red Dawn

23:46 - Part 2: Sekhet Pay

42:20 - Part 3: Sutech and Ba'al

1:01:31 - Part 4: Doubling Down

1:21:56 - Part 5: White, Black, Red

1:48:58 - Part 6: Wrapping Up

==

The History of Egypt Podcast:

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Ramesses, Muwattalli, and the Trojans(?). In June of 1287 BCE, the Great Kings of Hatti and Egypt were on the verge of a major confrontation. Ramesses, marching across Sinai and into Canaan, made careful preparations for his assault on Kadesh. Alas, even the best-planned campaign could not be hidden from a watchful enemy. In Hatti, Muwattalli II sent calls to his vassals, summoning them to fight. The Hittite army, and its allies, is a remarkably well-documented force...

For the Kikkuli Text of horse training, see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kikkuli

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Preparing for Kadesh. In 1287 BCE (late in his fifth regnal year) King Ramesses II departed Egypt on campaign. His target? The city of Kadesh / Qidsha in southern Syria. The Kadesh campaign is famous, as one of history’s “great battles.” Today, we “set the scene,” and explore the preparations for this war. We have a surprisingly detailed picture of this, thanks to inscriptions, art, and excavations. From a new royal city, Pi-Ramesses, to the enormous scale of the army, to the diplomatic manouevres (and espionage) that would accompany this campaign… the preparations for Kadesh are almost as elaborate as the battle itself.

Learn more at the Qantir-Piramesse archaeological project: https://qantir-piramesse.de/home/ort/

Digital reconstruction of Pi-Ramesses, incl. its stables, at Artefacts Berlin: https://www.artefacts-berlin.de/portfolio-item/the-reconstruction-of-pi-ramesse/

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Leading up to the Battle of Kadesh (c.1287 BCE) betwen Ramesses II of Egypt and Muwatalli II of Hatti, we need to understand the background. Why was this city the epicentre of such a major conflict? How did the rulers of Kadesh (Kadeshians?) persistently frustrate pharaohs dating back two centuries to Thutmose III (c.1480 BCE). Today, Prof. Peter Brand (University of Memphis) gives us the details...

Learn more about Ramesses and Kadesh in Peter Brand's book Ramesses II: Egypt's Ultimate Pharaoh (Lockwood Press).

Prof. Peter Brand at Academia.edu.

Interview recorded: May 2025.

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We learn how to insult someone in ancient Egyptian, based on the surviving texts...

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Heart of Darkness at Zawiyet Umm el-Rakham. Far from the Nile Valley, on Egypt’s northern coastline, Ramessid soldiers and civilians constructed a significant fortress to control the maritime roads. This remote garrison faced off against Libyan tribes coming from the far west (e.g. the Meshwesh of Cyrenaica), traded with Mediterranean merchants, possibly dealt with marauding pirates and Sea Peoples, and built a life for themselves on the western frontier. Alas, it wasn’t all beaches and bonhomie, as soldiers like Nebra, the commander, would learn…

Prof. Steven Snape is the author of many books and articles including The Complete Cities of Ancient Egypt (2014); Ancient Egyptian Tombs: The Culture of Life and Death (2011); Zawiyet Umm el-Rakham I: The Temple and the Chapels (with Penny Wilson, 2007); Zawiyet Umm el-Rakham II: The Monuments of Neb-Re (with Glenn Godenho, forthcoming).

Learn more about excavations and discoveries at this site in a free lecture, “ Zawiyet Umm el-Rakham and the Ramesside Defence System on the Maryut Coast,” on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQ1QelBxYiU&

Steven Snape papers and publications at Academia.edu https://liverpool.academia.edu/StevenSnape

Steven Snape at The University of Liverpool: https://www.liverpool.ac.uk/people/steven-snape; Research Profile https://www.liverpool.ac.uk/people/steven-snape/research

Prof. Snape is currently reading The Arabian Nightmare by Robert Irwin (1983). Wikipedia

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Explicit content. There's a factoid floating around on the internet. It claims that, to ensure fertility and good harvest, pharaohs would annually masturbate into the River Nile. This claim is total bubkis, but where did it come from? Which deities and myths were most closely associated with such concepts? In this mini episode, we explore the factoid and its potential origins.

Great gods of fertility and Creation:

Allen, J. P. (1988). Genesis in Egypt: The Philosophy of Ancient Egyptian Creation Accounts.

Epigraphic Survey. (1940). Medinet Habu, Volume IV. Festival Scenes of Ramses III. Available free via The University of Chicago.

Maher-Taha, M., Loyrette, A.-M., & Sayed, S. (1979). Le Ramesseum XI: les fêtes du dieu Min.

Olette-Pelletier, J.-G. (2023). Min, l’Horus victorieux: Le dieu Min au Moyen Empire (Vol. 33).

Siuda, T. L. (2024). The Complete Encyclopedia of Egyptian Deities.

Wilkinson, R. H. (2000). The Complete Temples of Ancient Egypt..

Wilkinson, R. H. (2003). The Complete Gods and Goddesses of Ancient Egypt.

Examples of the factoid:

Anonymous, Did Egyptian Pharaohs Masturbate into the Nile? Retrieved June 16, 2025, from https://getmegiddy.com/egyptian-pharaohs-masturbate-into-nile

Margolis, J. (2003). O: The Intimate History of the Orgasm. http://archive.org/details/isbn_9780802117861

Menezes, R. (2022, March 21). Pharaohs Had the Grossest Ritual to Keep the Nile Running. Cracked.com. https://www.cracked.com/article_33015_pharaohs-had-the-grossest-ritual-to-keep-the-nile-running.html

Taylor, M. (2021). You Know What We Should Bring Back? Ritually Jacking Off into Rivers. MEL Magazine. https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/ancient-egypt-masturbation-nile

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Hapi was Egypt. The life-giving waters of the annual flood (inundation) were his work; and thanks to these waters, Egypt flourished, its people were fed, the gods received their offerings, and the social order was maintained. From the New Kingdom, papyrus and ostraca record songs/poems to the river god, called "Praise (dua) of Hapi." From the days of Ramesses II, we also have elaborate proclamations to the god and his blesings...

A Hymn to Hapi (excerpt)

Hail to you Hapi, who comes forth from the earth,

Who arrives to give life to Egypt (Kemet),

Hidden of nature, like darkness in the day,

Whose followers sing to him,

Who floods the fields, created by Ra,

Who causes every herd to live,

Who satisfies the desert, which is far from water,

He (Hapi) is the moisture, descending from the sky…

...

Egypt is awakened; its exhaustion has gone!

All the creatures celebrate, when (Hapi) makes the Two Banks green.

When he pours forth abundance, among the old and young alike.

How lovely the lotus, whose blossoms dot the flood, that they may tell the happiness to come.

...

Come, O god (Hapi)… do not be slow!

Do not be cruel, reducing what we have, for you might do wrong to the innocent…

May you (Hapi) give breath to the nose, when you come.

O Hapi, do not sink into the ground…

Your perfection is here before us, so that we may turn back to your keeping; and the gods are near…

...

For more information about Hapi and Hymns to the Nile:

Foster, J. L. (1995). Hymns, Prayers, and Songs: An Anthology of Ancient Egyptian Lyric Poetry.

Lichtheim, M. (1973). Ancient Egyptian Literature Volume I: The Old and Middle Kingdoms.

Quirke, S. (2004). Egyptian Literature 1800 BC: Questions and Readings.

Siuda, T. L. (2024). The Complete Encyclopedia of Egyptian Deities.

Wilkinson, R. H. (2003). The Complete Gods and Goddesses of Ancient Egypt.

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What did ancient Egyptians like to smell? Did they use any narcotics in their day to day lives? And what do mummified bodies smell like? Today, I'm pleased to welcome Dora Goldsmith to the podcast.

Dora Goldsmith is a PhD-candidate at the Freie Universitat in Berlin, Germany. Specialising in ancient smellscapes, Dora explores how the ancient Egyptians perceived and described the scent of their world. Along the way, Dora introduces us to the favoured perfumes and flowers used by the ancients, some of their “recreational” substances, and how mummified bodies smell today.

Publications by Dora Goldsmith at Academia.edu https://fu-berlin.academia.edu/DoraGoldsmith

For perfumes and newsletter, email Dora Goldsmith directly at [email protected]. Learn more about her reconstructions in the Ancient Egyptian Scent Kit.

Follow Dora on Instagram @prof_dora

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