The Paula Faris Show

If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.

Sound familiar?

In Episode 2 of my month-long series about CONTROL with my good friend, NYT bestselling author Lysa TerKeurst, we’re talking about the crushing weight so many women carry: the belief that everything depends on us.

Do our families even realize how much we’re carrying? And have we inadvertently trained them to expect us to carry it?

We talk about the invisible labor of motherhood, our sky-high standards, and why we sometimes put in high effort for low impact. 

And Lysa challenges me to rethink something we all have: expectations. What if there’s a better way to think about them and what we ask of the people we love?

Let’s talk about it.

Listen in to learn more: 

6:12 — Control’s Five P’s

8:06 — Let Consequences Teach Responsibility

11:24 — People Notice What’s Missing

14:04 — Boundaries Aren’t Control

18:22 — Trade Expectations for Desires

20:34 — Protect Your Most Important Standards

22:33 — Choose High Impact Over High Effort

In this episode, we are digging into the invisible labor of motherhood, the mental load and societal expectations placed on women, why we try to control our circumstances and people we love, the importance of letting our kids experience the consequences of their choices, the difference between expectations and desires, how unmet expectations can lead to resentment, and ways to release pressure and guilt that come with motherhood.

LINKS and RESOURCES:

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

Connect with Lysa on Instagram

Lysa’s New Book: Making Peace with What I Can’t Control

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Am I a control freak? Absolutely. 😂 But here’s the question I wanted to talk about with my good friend, NYT bestselling author Lysa TerKeurst: Aren’t we ALL a little bit controlling? And is control actually a bad thing?

All month long, we’re talking about control and how it shows up in our lives, especially as women.  Because the constant need for control wreaks havoc on our bodies, our social health, and our relationships (hello, just wrapped that series!). Lysa just wrote another best-selling book about it. 

To kick off this series, we’re talking about the fine line between responsibility and control, what happens to our bodies, our anxiety, and our relationships when we’re constantly trying to control what we can’t. 

Here’s the tension, especially for me: control gets things done. It pays the bills. It gets kids to practice. It creates order and builds businesses. 

So… are we control freaks? Or are we just really responsible women trying to keep everything from falling apart?

Let’s talk about it.

Listen in to learn more:

0:04:58 — Control Is Often Rooted in Fear

0:07:31 — The Paper-Thin Line Between Responsibility and Control

0:10:16 — You Can’t Save People From Their Own Choices

0:11:55 — Control Is Fear Disguised as Strength

0:13:17 — Lead Without Micromanaging

0:15:37 — Responsibility Gets Things Done, Not Control

0:16:35 — Control Creates Anxiety and Relationship Tension

0:19:49 — Know Where Your Responsibility Ends

In this episode, we are digging into why we try to control people and circumstances in our lives, what drives the need for control, whether control is always a bad thing, the difference between responsibility and control, why attempts to control others don’t give us the results we want, the emotional and relational weight of control, the difference between healthy leadership and control, and real-life signs of control issues. 

LINKS and RESOURCES:

Connect with Paula on Instagram 
Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

Connect with Lysa on Instagram

Lysa’s New Book: Making Peace with What I Can’t Control

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When do you fight for a friendship and when do you walk away?

For the finale of our series on social health, Liz Bohannon and I are putting on our Dear Abby hats and tackling the friendship questions you sent us: conflict, exclusion, betrayal, gossip, growing apart, toxic friendships, and the heartbreak of losing someone you've loved for years.

What if you've simply outgrown your friend group? What if one misunderstanding threatens to end a friendship? What do you do when you feel left out—or when a friend seems to be pulling other people into side conversations without you? And what happens when you're caught in the middle of two friends who aren't speaking?

We also hear from a woman whose 17-year friendship ended after a relationship became toxic, and she says she's never let anyone that close again. How do you protect yourself without closing yourself off?

Liz and I get into the messy, uncomfortable reality of friendship: when to have the hard conversation, when to give someone another chance, and when it's time to let go.

And maybe the biggest question of all: What does a healthy friendship actually require of us?

Because friendship is one of the most important investments we can make in our health and our lives.

So let's talk about which relationships are worth fighting for and which ones aren't.

Listen in to learn more:

0:05:01 — It’s Never Too Late to Invest in Friendship

0:07:27 — Gossip Destroys Trust and Relational Safety

0:10:31 — Name the Unmet Longing Instead of Outgrowing the Friendship

0:15:18 — Healthy Friendships Can Handle Conflict

0:20:00 — Make Generous Assumptions Before Assuming the Worst

0:24:01 — Use “I” Statements to Create Space for Repair

0:27:30 — A Friendship After Conflict Won’t Be the Same, But It Can Be Better

0:28:53 — When Repair Keeps Failing, It May Be Time to Walk Away

0:31:12 — Friendship Breakups Are Real Heartbreak

0:32:17 — Don’t Let One Toxic Friendship Cost You Future Connection

In this episode, we are diving into when a friendship is worth saving, how to set a zero-tolerance policy for gossip in friendship, working through conflict and the importance of repair in healthy relationships, healthy communication in naming your needs and unmet longings with your friends, the heartbreak of ending a long-term friendship, what makes a friendship toxic, and when it’s time to walk away.

Download Liz’s 4-step process: how to have the hard conversations. 

SEEDS: Download the free SEEDS app and take one small step today: plant your first seed and see what God can grow.

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Why do our circles tend to get smaller as we get older?

You told us your struggles about moving and finding yourself far away from the people you love. About how much harder it is to make new friends. About feeling excluded. And about the surprisingly complicated question of what happens when you love your friend but don't love their kids.

So in Episode 4 of our series on social health, Liz Bohannon and I are tackling a question so many of you asked: Why does friendship get harder as we get older? And how many friends do we really need?

Is it that we have less time? That our lives get more complicated? That our standards change? Or are we doing something else that makes friendship harder than it needs to be?

Liz has a fascinating framework for thinking about this—and it made me rethink everything from how much we should expect from different friendships to how much agreement we actually need from the people in our lives.

We also get into the different “circles” of friendship, why you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely, and what to do when the friendships you want don't fit neatly into your life anymore.

And we tackle the question so many of us have faced:

Do I need to find new friends or do I need to rethink the friendships I already have?

Let’s Talk About It. 

Listen in to learn more :

0:01:10 Social Health Revolution: Friendship as Longevity Superpower

0:03:20 Why Friendship Feels Harder With Age: Moves, Seasons, Exclusion

0:05:00 Not a “You” Problem: How School Systems Once Did the Work for Us

0:09:30 Proximity Power: Urban Commune & Designing Life Around Friends

0:13:40 Alignment Rules: High-Intimacy Requires High-Agreement

0:16:30 Book Club Moms: When Curiosity Matters More Than Compatibility

0:19:40 Beyond Echo Chambers: Resisting Moral Narcissism and Fear of Difference

0:24:00 Dunbar’s Circles: Intimates, Close Friends, Friends, Acquaintances

0:27:10 80/20 Social Energy Rule: Invest in Your Closest 10–15 People

0:30:10 When You Love the Friend but Not the Kids: Creative Third-Way Options

0:34:00 2 Paths to Relational Billionaire Status: Move to Your People or Root With Neighbors

In this episode, we are digging into why making friends gets harder as we get older, how to set healthy expectations in adult friendships, how agreement and alignment within our friendships should match levels of commitment and intimacy, the different types and levels of friendship we need in our lives, and how many friendships we actually have capacity to maintain.

LInks and Resources 

SEEDS: Download the free SEEDS app and take one small step today: plant your first seed and see what God can grow.

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter  is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

“I just can’t find my people.”

We heard some version of that over and over from you. Maybe you’ve moved. Maybe your closest friends live across the country. Maybe you have plenty of people around you, but still don’t have the kind of deep, vulnerable friendships you’re craving.

So in Episode 3 of our series on social health, Liz Bohannon and I get very specific about how you actually find your people and what might be holding you back.

Liz argues that if we want richer friendships, we have to get a little more “chalant.” We have to name what we're looking for, be willing to initiate, and get comfortable with the possibility of rejection. She shares how she intentionally built her own close circle and why it took about three years to find the right people.

We also tackle your questions about making friends when you're constantly moving, how to turn casual friendships into deeper ones, and whether everyone really needs to be a “best friend.”

And Liz has a pretty radical—and liberating—idea: you don't have to wait for your village to appear. You can create it.

Let’s Talk About It. 

Listen in to learn more :

0:00:00 Relational Fortune Favors the Bold

0:01:05 Social Health as a Longevity Superpower

0:03:30 Three Ingredients of Deep Friendship

0:06:45 Naming Your Longings Up Front

0:11:40 Weekly Rhythm as the Path to Relational Wealth

0:18:10 Be Shallant, Not Nonchalant

0:25:00 Friendship by Design, Not by Accident

0:33:20 Proximity Over Perfect Compatibility

0:44:10 Split Emotional vs Practical Support When You Move

0:54:30 Lower the Bar, Raise the Connection

1:00:40 Treat Everyone Like a Potential Best Friend

1:06:20 Paula’s 3 Big Takeaways: Rhythm, Proximity, Naming

In this episode, we are digging into establishing healthy rhythms in friendship, prioritizing proximity, naming your desires in your friendships and relationships, navigating the risk of rejection, why deep friendship requires long-term investment, and building strong friendships even when you move often.

Links + Resources 

SEEDS: Download the free SEEDS app and take one small step today: plant your first seed and see what God can grow.

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter  is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Why am I always the one reaching out?”

That was hands down, by far the biggest complaint we heard from you when we asked about friendship. The texts that go unanswered. The friends who say, “We need to get together!” but never actually make a plan. The feeling that if you stopped reaching out, the friendship might just… disappear.

So in Episode 2 of our series on social health, Liz Bohannon and I are tackling reciprocity and asking a complicated question: Do friendships actually need to be 50/50?

What should we expect from our friends? When does being the one who always initiates become exhausting? And how do you know whether you're investing in a friendship that's actually giving something back?

Liz challenges the way we think about keeping score in friendship and offers a completely different framework for thinking about who reaches out, who shows up and what we're really asking of one another.

If you've ever thought, “Fine. I'm done reaching out. Let's see if they ever call me…”then this episode is for you. (I’m guilty of this!) 

Because friendship isn't always as simple as who texted first.

Let’s Talk About It. 

Listen in to learn more :

0:00:00 Initiation Is the Price of Admission

0:04:20 Social Health Is Your Job, Not Theirs

0:09:05 From Consumer to Co‑Creator of Connection

0:14:30 Replace Reciprocity with Long‑Term Mutual Benefit

0:19:45 When Unequal Initiation Still Works

0:25:10 Rhythms and Rituals Beat One‑Off Hangouts

0:30:20 Make Recurring Plans Your Social “Rock”

0:35:40 Handling Mismatched Commitment Like an Adult

0:41:15 Naming Your Needs with “Big Kid Words”

0:46:30 Treat Inner‑Circle Friendships Like a Marriage

0:51:00 Clear Expectations to Prevent Silent Resentment

In this episode, we are diving into reciprocity in friendship and relationships, two things to consider if you are always the one initiating, how American culture shapes our view of friendship and community, mutual benefit in relationships and why that matters more than reciprocity, personal responsibility in friendship and social health, good communication with friends, and healthy expectations in friendship. 

Links + Resources 

SEEDS: Download the free SEEDS app and take one small step today: plant your first seed and see what God can grow.

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter  is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

YOUTUBE

SEEDS: Download the free SEEDS app and take one small step today: plant your first seed and see what God can grow.

https://tinyurl.com/RONSeedsApp 

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

https://www.instagram.com/paulafaris/?hl=en 

THE CARRY™ ALL NEWSLETTER by and for working moms is on Substack

https://officialcarrymedia.substack.com/ 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! https://paulafarisofficial.substack.com/ 

Grab a copy of Paula’s book, You Don’t Have To Carry It All  : https://amzn.to/4e80WyF 

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What if one of the most important things you can do for your health has nothing to do with what you eat, how much you exercise, or how many hours you sleep?

It might be your relationships.

I'm kicking off a month-long series on social health with my friend Liz Bohannon, and we're starting with the big question: Why do we treat friendship and connection like an optional extra, a “bonus”, when research suggests they're one of the strongest predictors of how long and how well we live?

Liz breaks down what “social health” actually means, why it's not as soft or fluffy as it sounds, and why the quality of our relationships may matter more than we realize. Possibly more than diet, exercise and sleep (controversial, I get it!). 

We also talk about the uniquely American tendency to prioritize work, achievement, family and busyness while squeezing friendship into whatever time is left over.

Throughout this series, Liz and I are tackling the questions and frustrations you sent us—from Why am I always the one reaching out? to How do I find my people? to When is a friendship worth saving?

Because maybe the secret to living longer isn't another supplement, another workout or another diet.

Maybe it's the people we do life with.

Let’s Talk About It.

Listen in to learn more :

[0:00:26] Social Health Takes Center Stage

[0:04:06] Defining Social Health Clearly

[0:05:42] Data Proves Relationships Drive Longevity

[0:09:25] Loneliness Compared to Heavy Smoking

[0:15:18] America’s Hyper-Individualist Trap

[0:18:16] Career Over Community: The “Radical” Misalignment

[0:21:57] Sacrifice and Inconvenience as the Price of Friendship

[0:22:58] Redefining Friendship: Grocery Aisles Over Girls’ Trips

[0:25:11] One Friend Can’t Meet All Your Relational Needs

[0:26:30] It’s a Design Problem, Not a You Problem

[0:28:40] Move Closer to Your People, Not Just Better Schools

[0:29:48] Two Choices: Go to Your People or Befriend Neighbors

[0:30:29] Reciprocity as the #1 Pain Point in Friendship

In this episode, we are digging into social health, the impact of relationships, friendship, and community on our longevity and overall quality of life, how culture shapes our view of relationships and connection, why we need to prioritize relationships and community instead of treating them as a bonus, practical ways to build stronger social connections when we feel lonely or disconnected, the importance of being willing to be inconvenienced for friendship, and how to adjust our expectations about friendship.

LINKS 

SEEDS: Download the free SEEDS app and take one small step today: plant your first seed and see what God can grow.

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter  is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I pulled an audible this week, and I'm so glad I did.

My hubby John was supposed to join me for another episode about sending our daughter off to college. Instead, he went golfing (on a 90-degree day, no less), so I called one of my closest friends, Michelle, and asked her to jump on the podcast with about an hour's notice. 

You’ll love Michelle! She’s a preschool teacher, a mom of three, and a fellow mom navigating that strange middle season of parenting: one kid out of the house, two still at home, and a whole lot of feelings in between. 

We talk about “mom-encholy,” that bittersweet and very strange mix of pride and grief that hits when your kids grow up and leave home. We talk about parenting older kids from a little farther away, the quieter house, and why friendship has become such a lifeline. 

I’m learning that we can’t rush the grief or talk ourselves out of missing our kids. We have to feel it, keep moving, and more importantly, let our friends help carry it. 

Honestly, this was the perfect accidental episode, because next week I'm launching a month-long series on friendship, connection and social health. I can't think of a better way to begin than with one of the mamas who has reminded me what friendship is supposed to look like. Because when we’re going through something hard, the best thing we can do is call a friend. 

Life Happens. Let’s Talk About It. 

Here’s the prayer I read from Dr Roland Ashby: 

“Heavenly Father, I lift my children into your hands. Go into the rooms I can not walk into. Stand at the doors I am not there to lock. Guard their hearts from bitterness, their minds from fear, their bodies from harm. Lord, you see what they carry, that they will never bring home to me. The worry they decided not to mention. The thing that went wrong that they handled alone. When they are tired, be their rest. When they are unsure, be their answer. When they are far from me, do not let them be far from you. Keep them close to you even in the seasons they drift from me. And let them find out one day that somebody was praying over their whole life before they ever thought to ask. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

Listen in to learn more:

[0:00:00] Calling an Audible With Michelle

[0:03:32] Friendship Chemistry and Personality Clash

[0:03:47] Lightning Round: Meet Michelle

[0:07:02] Real-Life Paula vs Expectations

[0:08:42] A Year of Show-Up Friendship

[0:10:08] John’s Golf-Day Cameo

[0:11:08] Naming Mom-Melancholy

[0:15:13] From Helicopter to Quiet Watcher

[0:18:58] Grief, Growth, and Letting Them Fly

[0:20:12] Weekly Girl Time as Lifeline

[0:22:38] Rethinking Coed Dorm Life

[0:23:10] Inside a Pre-K Teacher’s World

[0:25:26] Building Independence in Little Kids

[0:28:03] Why Summer Break Keeps Shrinking

[0:31:20] Gratitude for a Once-in-a-Lifetime Friend

[0:33:40] A Nightly Prayer for Launched Kids

In this episode, we are digging into parenting older children; the difference between first-time college drop-off and when college students return to school; encouragement for parents launching their kids or who have recently launched them; different perspectives on co-ed bathrooms in college dorms; and what back-to-school is really like for teachers.

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter  is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well…we dropped Caroline off at college. And I’m not gonna lie…. it’s been a week.

I knew I would be emotional. I just didn’t realize how emotional I’d be after we left. The actual drop-off was surprisingly easy. But then you come home, walk past their empty bedroom, smell their pajamas because they still smell like them (yes, I did that), and it hits you: this chapter of childhood is over.

This week, John and I are talking about what it’s really been like: the pride, the sadness, the excitement and the very weird realization that our family dynamic has changed. We’re talking about how the transition affects the siblings, how much we should be checking Life360, and how you let your kid go experience this new life without emotionally hijacking it for them.

And I’m also sharing some of the advice I’ve gotten from moms who have done this before, because apparently this is one of those things you just have to go through to understand.

I’m learning that you can be incredibly happy for your kid and still really miss them. You can be proud and heartbroken. Cheers and tears can exist at the exact same time.

So if you’ve dropped a kid at college or you’re about to—come sit with us for a little bit.

We’re figuring this out, too.

And maybe the only way through it is…through.

Let’s Talk About It.

Listen in to learn more:

In this episode, we are diving into the experience of dropping your first child off at college, navigating college move-in day and the emotions that come with it, how moms and dads experience the transition differently, how a child moving out impacts family dynamics and siblings at home, opinions on Life360 and location tracking for college students, young adults living closer to home after college, and advice from parents who have been there. 

LINKS

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter  is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

As we drop off our oldest child at college this week, we’re having the conversation every family eventually faces. People try to prepare you for this moment. They really do. But I don’t think anything truly prepares you for letting go.

And I want to be honest…we’re not coming at this from a place of having all the answers.

This week, my husband John, our daughter Caroline, and I talk through what this transition actually feels like from both sides. Caroline tells us what she needs from us as parents (it’s probably less than we think… and more than we realize).

John is handling it in his very John way, steady and practical. And me? I’m somewhere between incredibly proud and completely undone.

We also share the best college advice we’ve ever received. 

If you’re sending a child to college or you’ve already been there, I hope this episode feels like a hug and a reminder that this isn’t the end of your relationship. It’s the beginning of a new one.

And if you hear me trying not to cry… just know I didn’t succeed.

Life Happens. Let’s Talk About It. 

Listen in to learn more: 

In this episode, we are digging into the emotional highs and lows of dropping a child off at college, how family members process and navigate this transition differently, practical advice for parents preparing to launch their kids, the financial realities that influence college choices, and why who our kids become matters more than the college or career paths they choose.

LINKS

Connect with Paula on Instagram 

Paula’s Newsletter is on Substack!! 

THE CARRY ALL weekly newsletter is on Substack!! 

Paula’s Book: You Don’t Have To Carry It All

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices