The Transatlantic Times

Don't wear Crocs to the haunted house this year; Snus + Foreskin = A less than ideal evening; Someone tell Greta Thunburg to step her activism game up.

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Bean bandits wreak havoc on the doorsteps of Britain; America is always shattering records; a vice president/rebel leader/drug smuggler/bank robber/father takes up soccer.

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Over 40% of people would have sexual intercourse with a robot; You too can have a wooly mammoth for the fair price of $15 million dollars; Mars will be paved with the literal blood and piss of astronauts; Taco Bell expedites the clogging of your arteries with a new subscription plan.

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A Catholic Bishop finds love in all the wrong places; Jeff Bezos will pay you one million dollars a year to keep him young; The Taliban have everything under control, don't worry about it.

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Jeff Bezos is cool with weed now; China has ruined every kid's summer; San Francisco to provide income for those willing to not murder people; China is terrified of a little feminine energy.

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Just when you thought America couldn't get any sicker: Pepsi releases Flamin' Hot Mountain Dew; Joey Chestnut's fate has been sealed; Krispy Kreme fights the coronavirus with obesity; The Kingdom of God is paved by miracle blankets.

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The Taliban have a grand old time in a strangely abandoned amusement park; the Pope receives an unexpected gift; a Florida sheriff pulls a Florida man.

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A seemingly innocent children's movie forces authoritarian propaganda down the throats of our nation's youth; OJ is afraid he might murder himself.

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Sometimes, one must ask of our leaders: who gave that man a microphone?

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Joseph Bransworth is live from the 2020 Tokyo Olympics this week. There's lots of action, cardboard, and condoms to be seen, so strap in for a wild ride!

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