The Unburdened Leader

What is your relationship with your anger? 

How much of your stress and exhaustion is fueled by repressed anger and rage? 

And how do you respond when those around you express anger?

Our experiences early in life, experiences at our places of work and education, and our conditioning from culture all play significant roles in how we view and respond to anger and rage within and around us. 

And for women–especially Black and brown women–we learn our anger and rage come off as unbecoming and distancing, which can be the death of a promotion, a deal, or financial advancement.

Many experience firsthand the negative impact of expressing our anger, which can bring about a dangerous backlash that can impact not only our well-being but also our safety. 

But when we shift the focus from seeing anger solely as dangerous or something to be feared and instead befriend and learn from it, so much changes in how we lead and do life.

Today’s guest wrote a beautifully written and well-cited book documenting the impact of suppressed rage in women on themselves and those around them. 

Soraya Chemaly is an award-winning author and activist. She writes and speaks frequently on topics related to gender norms, inclusivity, social justice, free speech, sexualized violence, and technology. She is the former Executive Director of The Representation Project and Director and Co-Founder of the Women’s Media Center Speech Project, and also the author of Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women’s Anger, which was recognized as a Best Book of 2018 by the Washington Post, Fast Company, Psychology Today, and NPR.  

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How suppressing anger harms more than just the individual
• How rage is justified and tolerated differently for men and women
• How niceness and a focus on the feelings of others is socialized into girls from an early age
• The anger that hides underneath stress, disappointment, and other ways women minimize their anger
• The long-term impacts and risks of suppressed anger on physical and mental health

Learn more about Soraya Chemaly:

• Website
• Instagram: @sorayachemaly
• ​​Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women's Anger

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Braving the Wilderness, Brené Brown
• Reproduction, Louisa Hall
• Do You Know Me By Heart, Cameron Avery
• James Blake - Say What You Will
• Imogen Heap - Hide And Seek

When you experience injustice, how do you respond? 

Do you immediately speak up and fight back?

Maybe you get introspective and go deep into reflection, weighing out different options and scenarios before deciding how or whether to take action. 

Or do you suppress your authentic emotions and maintain a facade until you have figured out your next move?

Many factors inform how you respond to threats and injustice–your values, life experiences, personality and temperament, identities, and privileges–to name just a few.

Today’s guest moved me profoundly with his responses in the days, weeks, and months following the January 6th insurrection in the face of many critics, threats, and risks. Not speaking up would have felt inauthentic for him, leaving him feeling out of alignment.

New York Times best selling author, Harry Dunn,served in the United States Capitol Police from 2008 to 2023. He has been on duty for presidential inaugurations, joint sessions of Congress, State of the Union addresses as well as hundreds of peaceful protests and demonstrations.

For his role defending the Capitol on January 6, 2021, Dunn received the Presidential Citizens Medal, the Congressional Gold Medal, the Capitol Police Service Medal, the Capitol Police Achievement Medal, the Gus Heningburg Award from the African American Chamber of Commerce in New Jersey, and the Concerned Black Men Award. He has been outspoken about his experience, testifying in congressional hearings and speaking in the media about the violence he experienced that day and its aftermath.

His memoir, Standing My Ground: A Capitol Officer’s Fight for Accountability and Good Trouble After January 6th provides a firsthand account of what happened that day and the ramifications it has on our political and legal systems, democracy, communities, and individuals. 

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How Officer Dunn knew he needed to move from isolated and processing the events to speaking out
• How Officer Dunn has navigated using his anger a purposeful force
• The fine balancing act of speaking as a citizen versus as a Capitol Police officer as he took his story public
• How speaking out and testifying at trials and in front of Congress was both a painful and ultimately healing experience
• The values and faith in democracy that keep Officer Dunn going back to work at the Capitol

Learn more about Office Harry Dunn:

• Twitter: @libradunn
• Standing My Ground: A Capitol Police Officer's Fight for Accountability and Good Trouble After January 6th

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Michael Jackson - We're Almost There
• Saturday Night Live
• Black Panther: Wakanda Forever

What worked for you in 2023? What did not work this year? 

What data did you collect about yourself, your work, and your relationships? 

What do you want to take into 2024, and what do you want to leave behind? 

Yes, it’s that time of year when I share one of my favorite and most fruitful practices of looking back and looking forward - my annual debrief.  

My debrief practice teaches me the power of pausing, reflecting  - especially on my words of the year, and honoring lessons learned, victories achieved, and wounds that need care so I can look forward more clearly and confidently. And this year taught me a lot. 

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How focusing on space and pace challenged my tendency to associate my identity with what I do
• The challenges that came up as I really forced myself to slow down and reflect on what I want life to look like in an upcoming season of transition
• Experiences this year that were fun, healing, and joyful
• The practices and supports I’m carrying forward into 2024
• What aspects of Space and Pace are bearing fruit as 2023 comes to a close and what I’m focusing on for 2024

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• How I've Changed My Thinking About Burnout, Anne Helen Petersen
• On the life that wants to live in you., Laura McKowen
• Parker Palmer
• Stephen Covey
• Conspirituality
• Maintenance Phase
• Why Is This Happening? with Rachel Maddow
• ​​Prequel: An American Fight Against Fascism, Rachel Maddow
• Friends
• Nyad
• Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret. 
• Sitting in Bars with Cake 
• Air
• Cocaine Bear
• You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah
• Boston Strangler
• Old Dads 
• Barbie
• Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3
• Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania
• The Flash
• Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny
• Finding You
• Somebody I Used to Know
• Fleishman Is in Trouble
• Based on a True Story
• The Power
• Deadloch
• The Diplomat
• Wednesday
• Shiny Happy People: Duggar Family Secrets
• The Murdaugh Murders
• The Last of Us
• Case Histories
• The Tower
• Class of '07
• Jury Duty
• Hunters
• You
• Painkiller
• Daisy Jones & The Six
• Bosch: Legacy
• Only Murders in the Building
• Lessons in Chemistry
• The Morning Show
• Shrinking
• The Lincoln Lawyer
• Bodies
• Queen Charlotte: A Bridgerton Story
• The Mother

As you approach the new year, do you focus on results-oriented New Year’s resolutions, or do you prefer to set broader intentions for the year?

In a time where we are overbooked, over-committed, and weighed down by all that is going on in the world, messages promising the results we crave can make us vulnerable to feeling like we are doing something wrong for feeling out of sorts because we do not do life in a prescribed manner.

So many offerings are a recipe for failing in our hopes for end-of-the-year plans.

Yet, finding a focused practice for examining how you manage your time and make decisions that align with your values and how you live and experience life can delight you while bringing you clarity in a chaotic world.

Ali Edwards is the founder and CEO of Ali Edwards Designs. Her passion resides in that very special place where the stories and images of life intersect. Her work includes writing, photography, teaching and memory keeping product design.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How Ali’s background in graphic design influenced the visual storytelling of memory keeping
• Why Ali is drawn to the everyday stories and not just big milestone moments
• How Ali decides what to share publicly and what to keep private
• How Ali handles consent in documenting the lives of her kids and family
• How the shift from blogging to social media has shaped what and how Ali shares from her life
• Why Ali chooses a word to guide her year 
• How Ali stays grounded while “taking the temperature” of those around her

Learn more about Ali Edwards:

• Website
• Instagram: @aliedwards

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents,Lisa Damour
• Remarkably Bright Creatures, Shelby Van Pelt
• David Kushner - Daylight
• The Bear
• Jury Duty 
• The Goonies
• Sixteen Candles

Have you ever felt like what you are known for does not fit you anymore? 

Or maybe you feel like it is time to change your professional focus, but you question whether you have the credentials or whether people will take seriously the shifts you want to make.

So many of us experience angst when we want to change things up in our work and life.

We change as we move through life. Change is part of our developmental life cycle. And when we change, our work and the businesses we run also change as a result.

But there is immense pressure to stay on a linear path in our careers and businesses that just doesn’t match up with the fact of our dynamic and ever-changing lives. And our mental wellbeing suffers from the lack of understanding of how we grow and change personally, which in turn impacts how we lead ourselves, others, and our businesses.

We need to normalize and create better supports for these inevitable seasons of growth and the grief and vulnerability that come with them.

Today’s guest is a longtime friend and colleague who recently announced that she had shut down her business so that she could shift her focus away from what she had been known for her entire career to something new.

Brigitte Lyons founded Podcast Ally, the agency where she spent her days focusing on the strategic direction of the company, clearing the way for a fully remote team to the deep work that drove the business forward. Brigitte recently announced that she shut down her company, and at the time of recording, reached an agreement to sell the brand and IP she built at Podcast Ally. She has an extensive background in public relations, working in agencies and also running her own PR business.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Why Brigitte worked through the impulse to burn it all down and gave herself space to fully consider closing her business
• How Brigitte realized that she loved her business and her team, but could take or leave the work
• How Brigitte came to the realization that her company no longer fit her priorities and lifestyle
• Why it was important to Brigitte to be transparent with her employees as she was deciding the future of the company
• How Brigitte built a team that stuck with her through the process of deciding to close
• Why it’s important to understand the distinction between what you’re passionate about and what you’re good at

Learn more about Brigitte Lyons:

• Connect with Brigitte on LinkedIn

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Erik Erikson
• Dare to Lead - Brené Brown
• EP 85: Team Habits: Redefining Workplace Dynamics with Charlie Gilkey
• Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, and Tomorrow, Gabrielle Zevin
• Janelle Monáe, Jidenna - Yoga 
• Barbie
• Star Wars

What is your relationship with money?

Do you have a healthy or neutral relationship with money? Or do you fall into the common extremes of worrying about it, constantly thinking about acquiring more money, or avoiding knowing what is happening with your finances or checking out on your responsibilities around money?

And what is your relationship with giving away your money? Is it part of a spiritual practice, a tax write-off, or an extension of your values? 

We learn early how wealth can impact our future trajectory, well-being, and ability to earn and save it. 

And there are constant opportunities to donate our money–to charities, to politics, to nonprofits, to do something good and get a tax write-off. It feels good to feel like we’re doing something to help.

But we also don’t have to look far to find critiques of social programs supporting those who lack essential resources or critiques of the many tax loopholes the wealthiest in our country benefit from, especially when it comes to philanthropic giving. 

Today’s guest helps connect the dots on how our relationships with money and the industry of philanthropy needs to change.

Edgar Villanueva is an award-winning author, activist, and expert on race, wealth, and philanthropy issues. Villanueva is the Principal of the Decolonizing Wealth Project and Liberated Capital and the author of the bestselling book Decolonizing Wealth (2018, 2021). He advises various organizations, including national and global philanthropies, Fortune 500 companies, and entertainment, on social impact strategies to advance racial equity from within and through their investment strategies. Villanueva holds a BSPH and MHA from the Gillings Global School of Public Health at The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. He is an enrolled member of the Lumbee Tribe and resides in New York City.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Why we need to recognize that colonialism–past and present–is systemic in our social and political institutions
• How to begin healing from an extractive and exploitative definition of money to a version that honors what we value
• Why acknowledgment and grief need to happen before we jump to take action
• How to enter a process of decolonization without appropriation or getting bogged down in guilt
• The profound impacts of colonialism on philanthropy and charity in concept and practice in the United States
• How we can begin to invest differently in charitable giving to make real impacts

Learn more about Edgar Villaneuva:

• Decolonizing Wealth Project
• Decolonizing Wealth, Second Edition: Indigenous Wisdom to Heal Divides and Restore Balance

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Money as Medicine
• Sand Talk: How Indigenous Thinking Can Save the World, Tyson Yunkaporta
• Beyoncé - BREAK MY SOUL
• Reservation Dogs
• Dirty Dancing

When you see a need, what do you do? 

Do you jump in and try to solve the problem? 

Or do you think about it for a while and workshop all the options and scenarios in your head before deciding whether to take action or not? 

Both ways can be valid, needed, and valuable. And both have their pitfalls. 

When we jump in to solve a need or problem, we can end up on a path to a crash course in humble pie and hard learnings on the go that can often do harm to others. 

Yet thoughtful consideration can often lead to failing to take action and falling into complacency. Or even worse, you tap out all together because you feel like your voice, your vote, your time, or your resources will not make a difference.

But we can’t stop caring or tap out. The stakes are too high.

My guest today challenges this complacency–especially right now when so much is at stake here in the United States. She built an organization that has room for all levels of involvement no matter your resources and your capacity.

Shannon Watts is widely known as a “summoner of women’s audacity.” As the Founder of Moms Demand Action, Watts was named one of Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People, a Forbes 50 over 50 Changemaker, and a Glamour Woman of the Year. She is the author of Fight Like a Mother: How a Grassroots Movement Took on the Gun Lobby and Why Women Will Change the World.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How Shannon transmuted her fear into anger and action in the aftermath of Sandy Hook
• Facing the reality that none of us are safe until all of us are safe and how it impacts activism
• Why cultivating joy and celebrating successes is integral to sustaining movements
• How the concept of losing forward helps activists play the long game 
• How Shannon has navigated burnout and managing the needs of her family against her activism
• Why Shannon passed the leadership baton for Moms Demand Action after 10 years
• The role of privilege in being an activist and how white women can do better
• 
  

Learn more about Shannon Watts:

• Website
• Substack
• Moms Demand Action Text READY to 64433 to get in touch with a volunteer
• Instagram: @shannonrwatts
• Fight Like a Mother

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• EP 63: How Choosing Nice Can Lead to More Harm with Jenny Booth Potter
• EP 88: Navigating Leadership Dynamics with Dr. Cedar Barstow
• Pooja Lakshmin
• Jessica Valenti
• Maria Shriver
• Paul Russell - Lil Boo Thang
• The Bear
• Reservation Dogs
• Footloose
• Everytown

When people talk about gender bias and sexism, what comes to mind? 

Are you clear about when gender bias happens to you and around you? Or does it feel so common it’s hard to discern?

The mixed messages about how to respond to gender bias and sexism keep us flailing, even when there are efforts to make meaningful change. 

We need to make these changes at all levels of leadership and as long the burden to make the changes continues to be on those who have been harmed, nothing will change.

When we gather collectively, we are a force. And yet, internalized misogyny gets in the way. Until we see how gender bias impacts us all, we will continue to turn on each other, whether directly or by supporting those with counter interests to our own.

Today’s guest offers us language and a framework to help address gender bias through tangible practices and language to help us understand the many nuances and complexities around identifying gender bias–in ourselves and others–and how we can make actionable change.

Amy Diehl, PhD, is an award-winning information technology leader, currently serving as Chief Information Officer at Wilson College in Pennsylvania and is a gender equity researcher and author of the new book Glass Walls: Shattering the Six Gender Bias Barriers Still Holding Women Back at Work. She has also written numerous scholarly journal articles and book chapters. Her writing has appeared in Harvard Business Review, Fast Company, and Ms. Magazine. She is also a sought-after speaker, consultant, and lawsuit expert witness.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Defining gender bias and the six primary barriers that impact women in the workplace, regardless of industry
• How researching gender bias in the workplace has helped Amy make sense of her own experiences
• How gender bias impacts all women, even if they don’t recognize it as such
• How the sub-barriers of acquiescence cause women to individualize systemic problems
• Why leaders need to take responsibility for the cultural norms in their work environments
• Two kinds of hostility that women enact towards each other 
• What a truly supportive and inclusive workplace could look like

Learn more about Amy Diehl, PhD:

• Website
• Twitter: @amydiehl
• Instagram: @amydiehlphd
• Connect with Amy on LinkedIn
• Glass Walls: Shattering the Six Gender Bias Barriers Still Holding Women Back at Work

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Prey Tell: Why We Silence Women Who Tell the Truth and How Everyone Can Speak Up, Tiffany Bluhm
• Good for a Girl: A Woman Running in a Man's World, Lauren Fleshman
• Choosing to Run,Des Linden and Bonnie D. Ford
• The Longest Race: Inside the Secret World of Abuse, Doping, and Deception on Nike's Elite Running Team, Kara Goucher and Mary Pilon
• Dirty Dancing

Would you call yourself a powerful person? 

Do you trust yourself with power? Does owning your power feel a bit like holding a hot potato?

The many ways we learn about power–often by having it taken away from us, seeing it taken away from others, or seeing people go to great lengths to take and keep power, no matter the cost or casualties–understandably influence our understanding of power for the worse. 

We have benefitted from many pioneering scholars and social justice leaders who deeply embraced their personal power in the face of systemic abuses. These leaders saw personal power as a birthright and generative, not as something to fear.

Owning your power can feel liberating. It’s liberating to no longer live from a burdened sense that we are flawed for doubting ourselves or that we are in deficit because we feel shut down and stuck in our pain and the pain around us..

Today’s guest has a lens on power that runs contrary to what many of us have been taught about. She believes that personal power is not something to gain but something you already have and intrinsic to who you are. She sees power itself as neutral. 

Dr. Cedar Barstow has a long-time devotion to helping people own and use their power wisely and well.  Her book, Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics and engaging courses are offered through the Right Use of Power Institute.  In addition to being founder of Right Use of Power Institute, Cedar's background includes being a Hakomi Mindful Somatic Therapy trainer and therapist, and an ethics consultant.  She lives with her husband, Dr. Reynold Feldman, in Boulder, Colorado.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Why leaders need understand the overlap of ethics and power
• Breaking down the definitions of power and ethics and how they impact our relationships
• Why Dr. Barstow believes we need to focus on our own personal power
• The potential consequences of trying too hard to flatten role power and why we need to reconsider hierarchy as a neutral tool
• The impacts of status, collective, and systemic power
• What the 150% principle teaches us about managing conflicts and grievances
• How the spiral down process can help us productively reflect on conflict 

Learn more about Dr. Cedar Barstow:

• Right Use of Power Institute
• Right Use of Power: The Heart of Ethics: A Guide and Resource for Professional Relationships

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Confidence Culture, Shani Orgad and Rosalind Gill
• See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love Valarie Kaur
• EP 70: Getting out of Shame and Into Power with Kelly Diels
• The Covenant of Water, Abraham Verghese
• Transatlantic
• Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret.

Do you know if you have ever been a part of a cultish or high-demand community? Do you know what qualities to look for in a high-demand community?

High-demand communities may bring images of cults with extreme behaviors, demands, and rituals to your mind. But when you examine the communities you love, some fall on the spectrum of cultish or high-demand communities. 

Cultish and high-demand communities fall on a spectrum, and not everyone associated with a group or organization with those tendencies necessarily falls into the trance of these spaces–but many of us do–often without noticing. 

Today’s guest got me thinking more about the high-demand or cultish communities we choose. His most recent book was inspired by his experience watching the January 6th insurrection on TV and wondering if he had not left his high-demand faith community, would he have been at the US Capitol with many who showed up that day, including some from his former community.

Bradley Onishi is a social commentator, scholar, writer, teacher, coach, and co-host of the Straight White American Jesus (SWAJ) podcast. In everything he does, Bradley seeks to make the strange familiar and the familiar strange by providing insight into life’s most fundamental questions. He often speaks about topics related to the radical conservatism and extremist religions that shape our world, some of it right in our own neighborhoods. He is the author of Preparing for War: The Extremist History of White Christian Nationalism – And What Comes Next.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Defining white Christian nationalism and why it’s key to understand the role of whiteness in its ideology
• How nostalgia is manufactured and co-opted to sell a mythology of what America was and could be again
• How Christian nationalism is more mainstream than we want to believe
• Why we need to keep talking about January 6
• How authoritarianism makes itself appealing in times of anxiety and fear
• The rise of purity culture and how it is fundamentally tied to white Christian nationalism

Learn more about Bradley Onishi:

• Website
• Straight White American Jesus Podcast
• Instagram: @straightwhitejc
• Preparing for War: The Extremist History of White Christian Nationalism--And What Comes Next

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Cultish: The Language of Fanaticism, Amanda Montell
• Pure: Inside the Evangelical Movement That Shamed a Generation of Young Women and How I Broke Free, Linda Kay Klein
• Evangelical Christian Women: War Stories in the Gender Battles, Julie Ingersoll
• Sara Moslener
• Middlesex, Jeffrey Eugenides
• Hitler's American Model: The United States and the Making of Nazi Race Law, James Q Whitman
• Inspector Maigret Omnibus: Volume 1: Pietr the Latvian; The Hanged Man of Saint-Pholien; The Carter of 'la Providence', Georges Simenon
• Ted Lasso
• Succession
• Back to the Future
• The Karate Kid