The Unburdened Leader

Your relationship with grief impacts all your relationships - whether you know it or not. 

While the experience of grief is universal, we still react to grief in ways that often stigmatize and alienate our grief or the grief of others in the name of professionalism, boundaries, and self-protection. 

And when we face a loss from suicide and all the layers and nuances of this particular type of loss, it can bring up a lot for us and those we lead. 

Disenfranchised grief refers to a loss that's not openly acknowledged, socially mourned, or publicly supported–you can see how bereavement by suicide fits one of the most common causes of disenfranchised grief. 

When people who have lost someone to suicide feel like they cannot talk about their loss without judgment or criticism, disenfranchised grief festers. It can lead to complicated grief, where our recovery and healing become persistent and debilitating to basic day-to-day functioning over a long period of time.

The deep discomfort, shame, and stigma associated with suicide can make it difficult to discuss, so that when you experience bereavement by suicide, you often feel isolated at a time when you carry deep hurt. 

On today’s show, you will hear from someone I have known for over two decades who has consistently and steadfastly led with transparency and authenticity no matter what showed up in her life. 

Kathy Escobar is co-founder of The Refuge, a hub for healing community, social action, and creative collaboration and #communityheals: Making Spaces for Transformation Accessible for All, non-profits in North Denver, CO. She's a pastor, writer, spiritual director, podcaster, and advocate and author of several books, including Practicing: Changing Yourself to Change the World and Faith Shift: Finding Your Way Forward When Everything you Believe is Coming Apart. 

Content note: Extensive discussion of grief and suicide. Please take care of yourself as you listen.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How speaking the truth about her son’s death became part of how Kathy and her family survived it
• Why it’s so problematic that we create a split within ourselves as we experience grief
• What’s really at stake when grief remains submerged
• How shame shows up with grief, especially in bereavement by suicide
• Why Kathy says there’s not getting through grief, only learning to live with the rhythms of it
• Why we need to get comfortable with the paradoxes of living with grief
• How Kathy reconciles realism with hope

Learn more about Kathy Escobar:

• Website
• Facebook: @kathyescobarauthor
• Instagram: @kathyescobarpublic
• Twitter: @kathyescobar

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• The Wisdom of Your Body: Finding Healing, Wholeness, and Connection Through Embodied Living, Hillary L. McBride

Groups are a microcosm of life and the greater systems in which we live and work.  

We learn so much about ourselves and others in groups. 

They refine our leadership and communication skills. They highlight our growth edges and our capacity for conflict. And they can bring out the best - and the worst - in us, sometimes at lightning speed. 

So many of us can recall frustrating and, too often, harmful experiences working in teams. Whether it’s a team member that drags everyone down without support or burdened systems, rules, and bureaucracies that stifle creativity and energy, the words “group project” bring up a lot of feelings.

What comes up when you think about your group or team experiences? And when preparing to join or lead a group or a team, what fears or concerns go through your mind?

Today, I’m excited to welcome back Charlie Gilkey to discuss his new book, Team Habits. He addresses many of the pain points and fears many of us hold when it comes to working in teams with actionable ways to make meaningful change in our team habits.

Charlie Gilkey helps people start finishing the stuff that matters. He's the founder of Productive Flourishing, author of the book Start Finishing and The Small Business Lifecycle, and host of the Productive Flourishing podcast. Before starting Productive Flourishing, Charlie worked as a Joint Force Military Logistics Coordinator while simultaneously pursuing a PhD in Philosophy. He lives with his wife, Angela, in Portland, Oregon.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How attachment to titles and structures makes us feel like we don’t have agency in our teams at work
• How work is inherently relational and why it matters how we show up for each other
• Why efforts to democratize corporate structures have to consider the emotional and social components of decision-making
• How solid team habits protect against one person dragging down the group
• The difference between the values on the floor and the values on the wall, and why we need to bring them together
• How small, mundane changes make significant impact to your team culture over time
• Why we need to be able to show up as our full selves in our teams

Learn more about Charlie Gilkey:

• Better Team Habits
• Productive Flourishing
• Twitter: @CharlieGilkey
• Instagram: @productiveflourishing
• Facebook: @ProductiveFlourishing
• Connect with Charlie on LinkedIn

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Subtract: The Untapped Science of Less, Leidy Klotz
• Management by objectives

When you look back on your career trajectory, what do you notice? 

Do you see an even trajectory in your career path? Or has your career taken some hard curves outside of the expected norms? 

What can seem like a setback in our planned career path can sometimes lead us to experiences that we would never have pursued - opening us up to ideas and possibilities that we would never have imagined.

It is moments like these that can often help us break free from the machine of proving, striving, and grinding and actually reconnect to who we truly are and what we really want to contribute with our lives.  

Of course it’s true that setbacks in our professional plans can be costly, painful, and downright scary. Some of the pain of setbacks can take a toll on our confidence and well-being and finances. 

But the time between paths, as we hop off the hamster wheels of shoulds to figure out who we are and what we want to do, isn’t wasted.

Today’s guest has moved through deep disappointment when the job she had been working towards suddenly fell through. And she has also co-founded a female-led tech business with a commitment to mental well-being with her staff by cultivating an environment where everyone feels valued, heard, and motivated to contribute their unique skills and perspectives. 

Martha Bitar is the CEO of Flodesk, a visually stunning and user-friendly platform that helps creators sell online and design emails people love to get. Martha is known for her passion for people, design, and helping small business owners succeed.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How Martha conflated her worthiness with professional accomplishment, and the moment she finally paused to ask herself what she really wanted
• How reconnecting with her body and her physical reactions helped steer Martha towards work that actually excited her
• Why Martha is so passionate about helping small businesses make the most of email marketing
• The values that Martha and her co-founder deliberately infused into Flodesk from the beginning
• Why Martha says that Flodesk does not have a culture and how it impacts their hiring practices
• How Flodesk strives to support the true wellbeing of their team members

Learn more about Martha Bitar:

• Flodesk
• Instagram: @flodesk

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• The Baddies, Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler
• Forrest Gump

Do you have a relationship with play?

Do you integrate time to play into your life around work and rest?

Or does play feel elusive or like a luxury?

If it does, you’re not alone.

So many of us are weary and weighed down, trying to stay afloat while keeping up with life, work, and being engaged citizens. And we live in a culture that continues to prioritize work and productivity over play and rest.

But building a relationship with play can be an antidote to toxic hustle productivity. And play can help quiet the noise in our minds and temporarily distract us from our burdens, leaving us in a better place to come back and tackle them.

Today, I’m so excited to dig into the benefits of play with Gary Ware.

Gary Ware, the Founder of Breakthrough Play, is a corporate facilitator, keynote speaker,

certified coach, and author of the book Playful Rebellion: Maximize Workplace Success Through The Power of Play. Gary has over 14 years of experience in the corporate world holding various leadership positions. Gary also comes with nearly a decade of experience as a performer in improv theater.

After experiencing burnout in his pursuit for success and happiness, he realized that what was missing was play. Committing to a life of play is what led Gary to discover his passion for facilitating. Gary uses the power of applied improvisation and other playful methods to assist people in unlocking creativity, confidence, and better communication. Gary was recently featured as one of the Top 100 HR influencers of 2021 by the Engagedly HR software platform. When Gary isn't leading workshops or speaking, you can find him learning magic or off on an adventure with his wife Courtney and sons Garrett and Cameron.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Why Gary defines play as an accelerant
• How we become play-deprived and how that contributes to burnout
• Why adults need to reclaim play and rebel against productivity culture
• Tips for bringing play into your work life and enlivening meetings
• Why play needs to be an invitation and you can’t just book a ropes course 
• Three major barriers to play and their antidotes
• How to find micro moments of play and rest in your day

Learn more about Gary Ware:

• Breakthrough Play
• Instagram: @garyware
•  Connect with Gary on LinkedIn
• Playful Rebellion: Maximize Workplace Success Through The Power of Play

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Hilton Carter
• Play: How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul, Stuart Brown
• 7 Gems Of Intercultural Creativity, Genein Letford
• Ted Lasso
• Real Genius

Have you ever wondered if you are too much or too needy? 

We carry a lot of baggage around our needs, others’ needs, and the many mixed messages about having needs but doing everything possible to not be seen as ‘being needy’.

The result? A relentless pursuit to keep our needs hidden, fueling feelings of scarcity, shame, and worry.

But needs are an inherent part of being human.

In a society that has weaponized needs so that if you need, you are “needy,” the idea of expressing our needs even evokes fear and shame.

And we’ve created a moral binary around needs–good to have needs, bad to be needy, or good to help people but bad to be helped–which is exhausting and only serves to prop up the myth of rugged individualism.

Today’s guest joins me for a deep dive exploring our complicated relationship with needs and neediness. Mara Glatzel is the author of the book Needy, and we’re digging into how we come to see our needs as problems, as objects of shame, as feelings to heal or to banish, instead of as natural and normal.

Mara Glatzel, MSW (she/her) is an author, intuitive coach, and podcast host who helps humans stop abandoning themselves and start reclaiming their humanity through embracing their needs and honoring their natural energy rhythms. Her superpower is saying what you need to hear when you need to hear it and she is here to help you believe in yourself as much as she believes in you. 

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How expressing our needs is rooted in a desire to be known, prioritized, and to feel like we matter
• The social and cultural barriers to truly claiming and expressing our needs
• How prioritizing and centering your needs challenges the narrative that your value is in what you can do
• How we can validate others’ needs without necessarily having the capacity to meet them
• Key practices for identifying and honoring your needs and building your capacity for discomfort
• Differentiating between self-responsibility and hyper-individualism

Learn more about Mara Glatzel:

• Website
• Instagram: @maraglatzel
• Needy Podcast
• Needy: How to Advocate for Your Needs and Claim Your Sovereignty

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Say It Out Loud: Using the Power of Your Voice to Listen to Your Deepest Thoughts and Courageously Pursue Your Dreams, Vasavi Kumar
• Emily King - “Remind Me”
• Shrinking
• Madam Secretary

Inclusion.

It’s a word that evokes strong emotions and reactions for many people. Some see it as a polarizing issue that elicits extreme rhetoric, while others recognize the need for us to confront discomfort and take responsibility for the impact of our leadership.

We have to consider what inclusion means to us, what it feels like, and how it shows up in our work and personal lives.

Because all too often, inclusion is reduced to a performative, box-checking act, instead of an opportunity to invest time, resources, and effort towards sustainable building inclusivity.

In a world that values efficiency and productivity, embracing inclusion can be uncomfortable. It requires introspection, cultural change, and a departure from traditional notions of power.

Inclusion is inconvenient because it compels us to think differently and confront our own biases. It also reveals how those in dominant cultures often prioritize their own inclusion, sometimes at the expense of others.

But true inclusion benefits everyone. 

To foster true inclusion, leaders need to engage in deep work and shift their perspectives, beliefs, and actions. This transformation allows for the recognition and appreciation of all perspectives and contributions, ensuring that those in positions of privilege actively dismantle exclusionary systems.

Skilled leaders, like today’s guest, who guide individuals in this journey play a crucial role in creating a more inclusive society.

Dr. Sand Chang (they/them) is a Chinese American nonbinary psychologist, trainer, author, and DEI/organizational consultant with more than 20 years of experience. Through compassionate engagement, they partner with organizations and teams seeking meaningful structural and interpersonal change. Dr. Chang’s work is grounded in social justice, cultural awareness, and humility. Their areas of emphasis include trauma-informed diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI), LGBTQ populations, trans health, and body liberation related to racial justice, and eating disorders.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Stretching beyond diversity to inclusivity and why a seat at the table isn’t enough
• Why it’s essential to acknowledge the power differentials in our spaces and to do the work to deconstruct them
• How organizations can move beyond optics to doing the work to support true inclusion
• How urgency, perfectionism, shame, and fragility create barriers to progress
• How bias and exclusion in research impact how we understand mental and physical health, and the limitations of “evidence-based” practices
• Why people from privileged identities need to fight for marginalized people

Learn more about Dr. Sand Chang:

• Website
• Instagram: @heydrsand

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Rest Is Resistance: A Manifesto, Tricia Hersey
• Sort Of
• Girls Just Want to Have Fun

Are you a safe person? 

Do you cultivate and lead spaces that are safe? 

And how do you know the difference between lack of safety and discomfort? 

The hard truth is that we can never declare a person or a space “safe.” We can do all we can to cultivate safety within ourselves and we can be intentional about doing our best to be safe but we cannot name a space or a person safe. That is for others to decide. Which is vulnerable and challenging. 

If we want to increase our capacity for discomfort and work towards being safe, it will require us to get really clear on how we can be unsafe along with discerning the difference between safety and discomfort.

And if we truly want to be a part of cultivating safe spaces and be safe people to others, we have to build our capacity for discomfort to: be wrong, make mistakes, be misunderstood, set and maintain boundaries, speak up when harm happens, and take ownership of our part when harm is done. This is something we need to feel through, not just think through. 

Today’s guest digs into the difference between safety and discomfort, and the qualities we show when we are actually unsafe people.

Tasha Hunter, MSW, LCSW is a  Black, queer Internal Family Systems therapist. She is the owner of Ascension Growth Center, PLLC, servicing clients in North Carolina and Kansas. She serves Black/BIPOC women, and LGBTQ+.  She is the author of the memoir, What Children Remember, and host of the podcast " When We Speak". She is passionate about speaking about adult child trauma, suicide, and collective healing and liberation.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• The basic tenets of creating a safer space
• Why the goal of a harm-free space isn’t attainable, and why it matters more what happens when harm occurs
• Why creating safe spaces is a practice, not an end point
• Discerning the difference between discomfort and unsafety
• Breaking down the qualities and behaviors of an unsafe person or space
• How we can be unsafe to ourselves

Learn more about Tasha Hunter MSW, LCSW:

• Website
• Instagram: @tashahunterlcsw
• What Children Remember
• She Lives Her Truth
• When We Speak Podcast

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• How to Make Yourself an Unsafe Person
• We Should All Be Millionaires: A Woman's Guide to Earning More, Building Wealth, and Gaining Economic Power, Rachel Rodgers
• All These Rivers and You Chose Love, Jaiya John
• The Altar Within: A Radical Devotional Guide to Liberate the Divine Self, Juliet Diaz
• "Be Easy," Alice Smith

Conflict and discomfort are inevitable–in all areas of our work and life. 

Now, most of us carry some kind of relational or betrayal trauma.

And these burdens impact how we lead and move through conflict, discomfort, and difference. 

So when a rupture happens, there is often a rush to find comfort with some kind of a bid for repair. But if we do not do the work to reflect on our own systems’ needs first, we can end up doing more harm and continue to feel hooked by a situation.

Without this internal reflection, we can often default to actions that result in the opposite of our desired intention.

But this work gives us more choices and when we have more choices, we are less likely to feel trapped, panicked, and stuck. 

And when we feel like we have more agency in our relationships, we feel more connected and close to those we lead and love. 

Toni Herbine-Blank is the founder and director of the Intimacy from the Inside Out© training programs. She is a senior trainer for IFS-I and has been developing curriculum for the application of IFS to couples therapy for many years. She teaches nationally and internationally, delivering workshops and trainings for therapists interested in using IFS with multiple systems. She has co-authored two books on her methodology and enjoys time with her partner and her animals in the mountains of Durango, Colorado where she lives.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Why the ability to differentiate ourselves from our partnerships is necessary for connection
• Why the Intimacy from the Inside Out process starts with a U-turn toward the self
• How the U-turn subverts the protective urge to blame and shame in moments of conflict
• How our early wounds around getting our needs met impact our adult relationships
• Why shame is the most common source of relationship rupture
• Why the existence of conflict in a relationship isn’t the problem, but the way we pursue repair can be

Learn more about Toni Herbine-Blank:

• Website
• Instagram: @intimacyinsideout

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Nonwhite and Woman: 131 Micro Essays on Being in the World

Your past experiences and relationships inform how you lead and run your business today, whether you are aware of it or not.

Overworking, perfectionism, fear of failure, crappy boundaries due to people pleasing or micro-managing can all stem from our relational history. 

One of the more insidious aspects of trauma that can impact leaders and entrepreneurs is relational trauma, which can be difficult to identify and heal.

Unhealed relational trauma wounds often lie outside of our awareness leading to an unconscious drive to repeat the painful patterns we experienced in our present-day business and leadership.

My guest today wrote an email last summer about the connection between her relational trauma and how she is setting up her current business. She detailed some of the systems she has in place so she can serve the best right fit people while also protecting her energy and making sure she is not replicating her relational trauma in her business. I immediately sent her a reply to her email and invited her on the podcast. I am so honored she said yes.

Heidi Taylor is a business and sales coach with over a decade of experience. She helps experienced, high-touch service-based business owners increase sales conversion rates and demonstrate their expertise with a strong intake and sales process.

Heidi has a remarkable ability to help you feel confident in your sales process by helping you develop solid intake forms and asking better questions so you get straight into the sales conversation with confidence in both the buyer's intentions and your own ability to demonstrate the value of the service you have to offer.

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• How healing from her childhood experiences taught Heidi that she needed to slow down her sales process 
• Why Heidi’s boundary document is an integral part of building relationships of mutual respect with her clients
• How building her business actually gave Heidi tools and confidence to address the traumas in her personal life
• How Heidi approaches sales with curiosity and collaboration, rather than tactics that can be manipulative
• How Heidi has redefined success after sacrificing her health and wellbeing in her early career

Learn more about Heidi Taylor:

• Website
• Connect with Heidi on LinkedIn

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• Spare, Prince Harry
• Everything Everywhere All At Once
• The Breakfast Club
• Stutz

Do you consider yourself a sensitive person when it comes to sounds, smells, physical sensations, or taste?

Do you judge this kind of sensitivity in yourself or others? 

Many people feel caught in the vice grip of having a nervous system that responds strongly to various kinds of sensory stimulation while also feeling judged and deeply misunderstood for being sensitive to things that others appear not to be bothered by in their day-to-day lives.

If you feel like you are too much or know someone who feels and responds to various stimuli deeply, then today’s show is for you.

My guests are speech and language pathologists who, like many, many support specialists, join me in my commitment to create spaces that welcome all and move away from ableist standards we have on what it means to be ‘normal’ and healthy. And they are committed to helping kids and the adults in their lives show up authentically without masking and hiding to appease the way things have always been done. 

Jessie Ginsburg is a Sensory Integration trained speech-language pathologist and CEO of Pediatric Therapy Playhouse, a top-rated clinic in Los Angeles. Through her international publications and talks, and her global Inside Out Sensory Certificate Program, Jessie inspires a new way of thinking about the speech-language pathologist’s role in supporting autistic children.

Chris Wenger is an enthusiastic school-based SLP, internationally-acclaimed presenter, and creator of the Dynamic Assessment of Social Emotional Learning. A prominent thought leader in the field of speech pathology, and known on social media as “Speech Dude,” Chris motivates and entertains fellow educators and clinicians through his humorous and inspiring posts and videos. 

Listen to the full episode to hear:

• Why it’s important to understand why people stim not suppress behaviors that may not make sense to neurotypical people
• Why Jessie and Chris believe in flipping the script on traditional therapies and using a model of client strengths and autonomy to guide their work
• Why labels like high or low functioning are not only unhelpful but can actually be damaging
• The disheartening statistics that show the harm in expecting neurodivergent people to mask and conform to neurotypical expectations
• Why parents and educators need to be mindful of the goals and expectations they set for neurodivergent children
• 
  

Learn more about Jessie Ginsburg & Chris Wenger:

• www.sensoryslp.com
• www.speechdude.com
• Instagram: @sensory.slp & @speechdude
• TikTok: @sensory.slp & @speechdude

Learn more about Rebecca:

• rebeccaching.com
• Work With Rebecca
• Sign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email

Resources:

• How to Support PDAers
• PDA by Pdaers: From Anxiety to Avoidance and Masking to Meltdowns
• What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing, Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry
• The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture, Gabor Maté
• Are You Fully Charged?: The 3 Keys to Energizing Your Work and Life, Tom Rath
• Zach Brown Band
• Black Bird 
• Stutz
• Teen Witch
• The Great Outdoors
• Planes, Trains & Automobiles
• Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
• Caddyshack