Unapologetic Parenting

In this episode I tell my story of how I messed up on my own rules and ended up assaulted, which resulted in me having a permanent neck injury.  When it is time to move out...get out, stay out, stay safe.  If you must go back to the house for any reason, do so in a way that provides for accountability and protection. 

Narcissistic parents often work to create situations where you are forced to choose between two unsavory choices. They don't want you to have you time. They don't want you to have a good time. So they create situations that feed them attention while simulteneously diminishing your experience with the kids.

And when you choose to take the higher path that actually serves the kids...they use that against you, too.
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#coparenting #coparentingdoneright #coparentingwithanarcissist #coparentingwithatoxicex #parallelparenting #narcissist #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticmother #narcissisticfather #toxicfamily #toxicrelationships #toxicpeople #divorcedmom #divorceddad #divorcerecovery #stepparents #healthyboundaries #blendedfamily #narcissisticabusesurvivor #divorcecoach #unapologeticparenting

It is okay to teach your kids that they can keep or drop any family traits and practices that they want. There are family habits and values that lead to great life, and there are family habits and traits that may lead the kids away from the type of life they want to create.

We try to have frequent conversations with the kids about the types of life experiences they want to have both now and in the future and then have them check in with which traits, behaviors, and values lead them closer to those experiences and which lead them away.

We couple this with a message that anything and everything they see in the adults and parents around them is it open to critical thought. Not everything we do as parents will serve them as they move into adulthood. Not all of our examples will be good for them.

Ultimately, they are free to decide what they want to keep and what they want to add to. They are always free to decide what they want to drop and what they want to replace with practices of their own.

There are no sacred cows. There are no ways of being that they must keep simply because they saw it in a family member. Everything is open to scrutiny. When we give kids the tools and options to weigh the ways they want to be in life and the freedom to choose or reject any parental traits, they are strengthened in becoming their own unique people.

When we apply Murphy’s Law to a narcissistic ex, we find that anything they can possibly jack with they will jack with. If there is a situation that they can make more difficult in order to gain attention, then they will. If there is an obvious decision that they can draw out and complicate, then they will to get their fix.

We see this constantly. One time the narcissistic ex wants one thing when it is clearly inconvenient and impossible and then when the same thing is offered to them at a workable time, they don’t want it anymore. If there is an obvious decision that would benefit the kids, the narcissist ex finds some way to turn it into a circus with them in the center.

The narcissist’s game is to make everyone wait on them. Everyone has to wait for them to reach their big decision and announce it to the world. They need to make sure everyone is watching. No one else can plan anything until the narcissist is ready, and then if they have a chance to reverse course and screw it all up, they will!

If there is a sensible way to do things and a drama-producing way to do things, the narcissist will pick the path of greatest drama. If there’s a way to create delay and confusion, then that’s what the narcissist will unfailingly do.

Of course, the flipside is when the narcissist makes unreasonable and inconvenient demands, then they want an answer immediately. They will throw a fit if they don’t get a clear answer right now and they will set ultimatums to harass and keep the attention on themselves. They will set deadlines and threaten litigation if you do not provide an immediate response to their nonsense. Typically, when you do provide a response, they will find a way to cause problems with that as well.

If there is something a narcissist can get attention from, they will get attention from doing it. And if they can get attention from doing the opposite, they will get attention from that, too. If doing the sensible thing does not give them attention, they will avoid it like the plague.

We all make mistakes, and we all occasionally make mistakes that hurt other people. When we own those mistakes and offer genuine apologies, we can work to soothe hurt feelings, heal relationships, and rebuild trust.

Narcissists rarely, if ever, offer authentic apologies. Building trust and respecting others’ feelings does not matter to a narcissist, even with their own kids. Narcissists are focused on preserving their own image, avoiding accountability, and avoiding discomfort, even when they cause pain to others.

Typically, if a narcissist offers a form of apology, it is generally phrased in a way to mislead, confuse, defer blame, invalidate, and minimize. Narcissistic apologies are not genuine and often leave the recipient feeling even worse.

My daughter and I recently had a great conversation about real and fake apologies. Apologies that begin with “I’m sorry if” and “I’m sorry but” are usually inauthentic. She added that “I’m sorry that you” apologies were also probably fake because they were more like blaming.

Other narcissist favorites are “I’m sorry that I may have done” and “I’m sorry for whatever you think.” They also tend to use statements like “I probably shouldn’t have” and “maybe I should have.” Narcissists will turn apologies into deals with “I’ll apologize if you...” and then all you get is a fake apology.

Narcissistic parents will talk to their kids like “You seem very upset. I’m sorry that you feel hurt”...which are fake apologies and are part of a narcissist’s getting off on the pain they caused. With kids, narcissists get to cause the hurt, pretend to support the hurt, and then defer blame to the kid for feeling hurt, and never apologize. Classic narcissist parenting.

We can help our kids deal with a narcissistic parent by teaching them to clearly see the differences between real and fake apologies. It’s a good lesson for everyone to learn, regardless, but teaching our kids to be aware of real and fake apologies helps them increase their critical awareness and helps them see the games. If they can see the games, they can then learn to disengage and depersonalize, which increases their chances of healthy freedom from the narcissist.

When we tell our kids that a divorce is occurring, they do not need to know the adult details behind the decision. When parents overshare details in the name of “truth” and “vulnerability,” they are often speaking from spite and trying to create a loyalty bind (the feeling that the child is not allowed to love both parents).

I discuss these ideas in the video about talking to your kids about divorce.

Even after the dust has settled and the divorce is final, the kids don’t need to know the details that drove the decisions. We should give them solid reasons to explain why the divorce happened...but we should do so in terms of the larger values that drove the choice...such as “we want different things in life and this choice allows us to pursue those things” or “sometimes marriages don’t work out for many reasons, and that’s okay.” It is okay to say “we’re not happy together and this choice allows things to be better.” Speak to the larger values, not the details.

Any message should be about reassuring the kids that the divorce decision was not their fault and should reinforce to them that they are supported and secure. Speaking reassurance and support to the kids is far more important than a parent speaking his or her “truth” to them.

Extreme accusations that come in the absence of authentic evidence are often self-accusatory projections. For example, when an ex makes accusations of “abuse” in the absence of actual evidence of abuse, then the accusation often indicates that the accuser is “splitting.” The accuser has split the other person into all-bad and is viewing his or her behavior through that distorted lens.

Or for another example, if the ex accuses you of being a narcissist without any real evidence to support the extreme label, then that too often indicates splitting and is often a self-accusation.

Narcissistic exes are very fond of accusing others of the very things they are culpable of. Narcissistic exes often accuse the other parent of alienation when they themselves are engaged in alienation attempts. They fabricate evidence and mistreat the children to cause estrangement to support their accusations of alienation.

When the accusations come, step back and assess. Does the ex accuse others of being narcissists (i.e. their dad is a narc, your new spouse’s dad is a narc, you are a narc, and several other of their family members are narcs)? To them, are narcs hiding behind every tree? Are they obsessed with trendy-trendy narcissist advice as part of their quest for “proof” that you are a narc? Do they tell others in the family and community that you are a narc and then make up stories about you?

If your ex seems to be splitting and lying when accusing you, and especially if there is a larger pattern of them doing similar things to others in their lives, then they are most likely projecting their own narcissistic traits onto you. Projection is one of the main mental defenses narcissists use to reject their own feelings of self-inadequacy.

When you see this splitting and projection game in action, it should be a clear sign to disengage. For the purposes of setting boundaries, that should be all the reason and evidence you need. Chances are, you already know that the ex is in capable of taking accountability for their actions or genuinely apologizing to those they have wronged. If you do not already have firm boundaries in place to limit communication with the ex, it is time.

It is good for kids to be able to express their emotions...and most kids seem to have no difficulty doing so at all. The difficulty is usually training kids to be centered and rational.

What we see in popular media and trendy-trendy parenting advice is an over emphasis on emotional expression with almost nothing to balance it in terms of manners, boundaries, self-discipline, and rationality.

Kids do not need to have unchecked emotional expression in order to be healthy. They do not need to have standardless fits in order to be well-adjusted.

A lot of trendy-trendy advice seems to verge on emotional obsession. Parents are essentially encouraged to be emotional helicopters. Corners of the home are dedicated to feelings posters and stacks of comfort materials. Education, critical thinking skills and manners go to the wayside. Encouraging self-control is apparently taboo. The irony is that most trendy-trendy advice ends up creating little emotional monsters.

Kids can learn from early on to view and control their emotions in much healthier ways. Children are resilient and often far more self-aware and capable than we give them credit for.

Example is key. From the beginning, we can model solid emotional life for them. We can show them that emotions can be experienced while not consuming us. We can show them that we always possess control over our behavior and that we can be respectful no matter what we feel. We can show them how to be rational and centered through anything. From there, we can set rules and standards for their conduct that line up with our example.

When our children get older, we can expose them to a wide variety of literature and experiences to give substance and context to their emotional lives.

Again, it is good to encourage emotional expression, but we should not be obsessed with it. We should also make sure kids are taught rationality, boundaries, critical thinking, and expose them to a wide variety of education and experience.

We have an option to see divorce as a tragedy or an opportunity. We can choose to view the divorce process as a chance for growth and development or as a set-back from which we will not recover for a long time, if ever.

When child-custody is set and part of our reality moving forward, we have the choice to view the time we have available to us as an opportunity to grow in as many ways as possible or not. 

Media representations and social narratives tell us that divorce has to be a time of suffering and prolonged grief. Granted, there are often very difficult and challenging parts of most divorce processes involving child custody issues, but we still have a choice about how we view the entire process and what comes after.  The fact is, we grieve anything as long as we believe we should. At some level, we decide how long we need to grieve any loss, and when we reach that time, we move on.  With divorce, we can decide to view the path ahead as opportunity and set a cutoff for grief.  We can choose to grow, develop ourselves, hone our skills, advance our careers, get clear on our vision, travel, and heal.

I firmly believe that there is no reason for a stepmom and a biomom to be having direct conflict with one another. I also am of the opinion that in most cases direct communication between a biomom and stepmom is completely unnecessary.

Maybe I am biased in my view, but to me the root issue behind direct stepmom and biomom conflict is a man (biodad) who is not fulfilling his role in the situation.

Here’s what I mean—dad is ultimately responsible for the kids. The one who is ultimately accountable for what happens to and with and for the kids at dad’s home is dad.

His kids are his responsibility. Stepmom is dad’s first priority. When there is direct conflict between a stepmom and a biomom, it is typically because biodad is improperly delegating (or avoiding) his responsibility and not prioritizing his wife and their relationship.

Dad is responsible for his kids. It is his role and responsibility to care for them as their primary caretaker in his home and to do the work necessary to parent them. Period. When there is direct conflict between the biomom and stepmom, it is often because dad is avoiding his responsibilities to communicate and coordinate matters for the kids.

His wife and their relationship is his first priority...not second or less to the kids. First priority. Period. When biodad allows mistreatment and harassment to occur toward his wife, he is not prioritizing who and what matters. His role is to set boundaries with his own ex and to deescalate matters for his wife. If his ex is causing his wife problems, then it is his job to put an end to it.

If he is allowing his wife to torment his ex, then he and his wife are probably bonding over his ex in a dysfunctional way (making her the object of their connection)...which prioritizes his ex in the relationship. Worse still is a man who allows the conflict because he enjoys women fighting over him.

Any way you look at it, when direct stepmom vs biomom conflict exists, there is a man not doing his job. There is absolutely no need for such conflict. If dad is accountable for his responsibilities and prioritizing his wife, then harassment and conflict and argumentation should not occur.