Unapologetic Parenting

There is usually no need or good reason to talk to your ex during and after the divorce process. A good rule is to cut out phone and in-person conversations completely.

Verbal conversations with exes typically devolve into verbal abuse. Verbal conversations also expose us to manipulation and having false claims brought against us.  Exes will deny the awful things they say and claim that we said things we never said. The best way to avoid these problems is to not have verbal conversations in the first place.

Shutting down verbal communication is often a major step toward moving on and healing after a divorce.  When we continue talking to a problematic ex, we often continue playing out the negative patterns that brought about the divorce in the first place.

A good solution is to require all communications to be in writing, especially through email or the use of a coparenting app. Text messages can and should be avoided because there is no reason for an ex's toxic notes to be appearing in your text messages where you are also communicated with other family members, friends, support networks, and new relations. 

Double binds are the classic punished if you do and punished if you don't situations. If you respond to your ex's nonsense, then you are compromising yourself and exposing yourself to further mistreatment.  If you do not respond, then there is the threat that they will use you unresponsiveness as evidence that you are a bad parent. If you call out the game, then you are labeled as high conflict. Almost every way you looks at it, it seems like you will be punished.

This episode discusses the Double Bind situation as a hallmark behavior of abusers...one they use to gain power and control and to wear the victim down into a state of submission or helplessness. 

This episode then moves into strategies to get out of the Double Bind, starting with the observation that if you are going to be punished no matter what you do, you might as well clearly define what you truly want and move toward that.

Don’t argue with someone who has decided that they are never wrong and you are never right.

When exes disagree with us, it is often part of the power that existed during the marriage, through the divorce, and into the present. They are set on winning by always being right and making us always wrong. They refuse to concede.

Constant disagreement is also a way to bait us into giving them attention. They then use that attention to further provoke and disrupt us.
They use disagreement to make sure we’re thinking about them, thinking about how to respond to them, how to beat them, constantly.

Exes with narcissistic traits often disagree for the sake of disagreeing...to provoke, to punish, to get attention, to work to wear us down.

The best remedy is to choose to disengage. Choose to stop arguing. Unless the issue involves something major like a surgery for the child or other matter that requires mutual consent, there is no point to discussing or arguing over any disagreement.

Let them do their thing and leave it at that. Let them be wrong. Let them believe you are wrong and let them feel right...alone.

Our peace of mind is far more important than trying to prove a point to someone who is committed to never agreeing. They may not even be mentally capable of seeing outside of themselves. Arguing with such people accomplished nothing except harming ourselves.

Parallel parenting is a plan with clear rules and clear boundaries. To parallel parent is to stay out of your ex’s house (literally and figuratively) and vice versa. Parallel parenting is based on personal accountability and acknowledges the reality of conflict and divorce.

Trendy coparenting is a philosophy of “shoulds.” Coparents should have free and open and friendly communication. Everyone should get along. Coparenting should work if you love your kids enough and focus on the kids enough. Coparenting is how parents should act regardless of all other factors beside the kids. The list goes on.

Choosing parallel parenting is the decision to stop “shoulding” on ourselves. It is the choice to let go of the idealistic, happy-happy shoulds and focus on reality and autonomy.

Choosing to parallel parent is not a sign of failure. It is not a sign of giving up or opting to be a lesser parent. Parallel parenting is an actual plan with boundaries and rules. Choosing parallel parenting is to recognize that trendy coparenting is an unworkable and undesirable philosophy for most...and it is the decision to clearly define and enforce personal rules and boundaries and to allow each parent the freedom to live their own life.

When we see our exex' negative traits showing up in the kids, it is a call for us to step up and model the behaviors we want the kids to embody.

This is also true when we see our own past or present undesirable traits taking root in the kids. Or when we see negative traits that remind us of our parents or grandparents.

The best way to influence kids’ behavior is through consistent modeling of the desired behavior. Shaming them that they are like so-and-so and cracking down on the behavior is unlikely to work well if there is no modeling of the better behaviors.

It’s always worth repeating...kids learn from our example far more than from our words. The traits we model for them influence the traits that take root in them.

When the kids have negative behavior examples in their lives, it is vital for us as parents to embody the far better ways of being. If we want them to develop better traits, we need to consistently show up as examples of those better traits.

When we see the ex’s negative ways taking hold, we are called to live the example of what better things we want to see in the kids. There is again no need to shame the kids for being influenced. Instead, we choose to show them a consistent and impeccable example and let the influence do its work.

Nothing empowers us more against gaslighting and manipulation than a firm grasp of the facts. If we want to become highly resistant or impervious to gaslighting and other high-conflict games, we need to be dedicated to facts, evidence, and rational thinking.

Lots of online advice encourages you to keep “feelings journals” and to tell yourself affirmations about “knowing your truth.” Far better is keeping an accurate and consistent fact journal and letting the data affirm your knowledge of the truth.

Write down quick summaries of key things that are said each day. Write down bullet points of events and behaviors. Keep the entries strictly factual and brief. To go up against gaslighting and manipulation you need to approach it like a scientist... facts, facts, facts.

The ONLY way to successfully see the gaslight games is to diligently track data and to stick to only the facts. I also found recording very helpful...to counteract the self-doubt of accuracy between when something was said and when it was written down. The solution is to quietly drop a small recorder in your pocket and flip it on at data collecting times. Then listen to it later and write down exactly what was said on key points and nothing more.

Once you see the patterns and distortions it will feel like stepping out of a cave into the sun. Truth sets free...not the woo-woo trendy self affirmed “my truth”...but actual facts that can be set next to distortions and tracked over time.

When you see a pervasive pattern of distortions, you can start to distance yourself and start working to get away from the situation. You can also start healing yourself through seeing that you are not losing your mind.

There is a lot of misinformation out there on the topic of parental alienation...not only concerning what it is but also what to do if you think legitimate alienation is in play. Many of the online definitions are incorrect and confuse alienation with estrangement. Many describe normal child-preference behaviors and incorrectly label them alienation.

Alienation is not the same thing as estrangement. Alienation is not simply when a child likes one parent less than the other. Being behind in the "popularity contest" does not mean the other parent is an alienator. A child acting more like one parent than the other is not a sign of alienation. The list of wrong advice circulating the interwebs goes on and on.

A lot of the trendy advice on how to deal with alienation often makes the situation worse. The trendy sources 1) paint an unrealistic and overbroad horror-story picture of alienation to draw people in and then 2) propose clingy and frantic behaviors for the "target" parent that can actually lead to estrangement. The more people do the clingy and frantic behaviors and drive the kids away, the more they believe alienation is really taking place, and the situation spirals.

In almost every legitimate parental alienation case, the alienating parent has a Cluster B personality disorder...yet this dynamic is rarely addressed and treated. This video focuses in on the Cluster B issue as the foundation of legitimate alienation cases.