Unapologetic Parenting

In this revealing episode of Unapologetic Parenting, host Carl Knickerbocker tackles the all-too-common struggle of trying to co-parent with a narcissistic ex, and why it often feels utterly impossible. Co-parenting typically requires flexibility, shared goals, and mutual respect – qualities a narcissistic ex may refuse to engage with, prioritizing control and conflict instead. Carl delves into the traits that define narcissistic behavior in co-parenting situations, explaining how a narcissistic ex’s need to “win” at all costs undermines any effort toward cooperation and creates a destructive cycle of counter-parenting.

This episode not only sheds light on the core challenges of this dynamic but also offers practical strategies for navigating it. Carl emphasizes how to protect your peace, minimize conflict, and focus on your child’s well-being, even when true co-parenting isn’t possible. If you’re dealing with a high-conflict situation, this episode provides empathetic insight, encouragement, and guidance on finding stability and resilience in the face of difficult circumstances.

We hear mixed messages about leaving relationships all the time.  If only you were stronger, you would have left sooner.  If only you were stronger, you would have stayed longer and tried harder.  Weak people focus on themselves too much...and weak people don't focus on themselves and their needs enough.

Such messages are unhelpful and often get us nowhere except bogged down in shame and self-doubt.

The better path is to focus on what's ahead and to pour our energy into moving forward rather than trying to "if only" the past.  What happened, happened, and that's done.  Instead of picking apart the past and beating ourselves up in the process, we can be grateful for where we are now and look forward to what we want to create for ourselves next.  

Hypothesis: the heart of so many of the family court’s judgment errors boils down to the emotional illiteracy of the lawyers, judges, therapists, and other paraprofessionals attached to the system. 

The family court system is not trauma informed. The judges are not therapists and spend the least amount of time learning about the case out of all the players.  The therapists attached to the system are often opportunists to make matters worse for their own gain.  Facilitators and evaluators make their money off of conflict and refer to their therapist buddies.  Lawyers profit off of conflict and more conflict. 

The court system is often completely emotionally illiterate when it comes to anger.  Anxiety, grief, ptsd, concern, passion, forwardness, and fear are misinterpreted as anger and used again the person feeling these legitimate emotions.  

Meanwhile the actual abusive party is pretending to be innocent and cooperative…while accusing the other party (often their past and/or present abuse victim) of having anger issues.  

The result?  Terrible judgments by the court that treat the abuser as the victim and the victim as the abuser. 

Court-ordered coparenting is pretty much doomed to fail when one of the parents is highly narcissistic.  When the courts take a one-size-fits-all approach to coparenting expectations and standards, they end up creating a sure-to-fail situation where everyone involved loses.  That is, everyone except those who directly profit from the increased conflict, legal expenses, and court-ordered therapy work that is generated by trying to force those who are incapable of collaborative parenting into an idealistic coparenting model.  

When we deal with high-conflict and disordered coparents, it is vitally important to document certain things and collect data.  In this episode, I discuss the importance of tracking data to establish patterns for the purpose of not only clarifying those patterns, but to be able to use those patterns as permission to forgive yourself and believe in your own sanity.

We do not teach out kids about narcissism, borderline, and other disorders because of their other parent.  We teach them about high-conflict individuals and about the importance of standards and boundaries because those lessons are crucial to a good life.  Whether the other parent is high-conflict or narcissistic or not, it is important to teach our kids about how to handle themselves in a real world that is populated by significant numbers of problematic people.

We begin with the principle (the fact) that the narcissist's words and actions are caused by their disorder...not by you.  Their words and actions are disordered, not personal.

From there, we focus our attention on the things we love and the things we are creating.  We avoid mantras and affirmations that refer back to the narcissist because such affirmation work to produce more of the same. Instead, we direct ourselves to the things we love about ourselves, our kids, our home, our lives, and the things we are excited about creating.

Child exchanges can be uncomfortable and tense...been there! This episode discusses several potential remedies and rules of thumb for conducting child exchanges with a high-conflict or disordered coparent.

Narcissists seek attention, plain and simple.  They thrive off of baiting others into conflict and needless interactions.  The same generally goes for Borderlines and other various disordered exes.

When baiting is an issue (i.e. the narcissist acts out in one of their many attention-seeking ways), the best antidote is to remain deeply focused on your own vision of what you are working to create in your life.  The narcissist seeks to divert your attention away from you own life so they can have your attention for themselves.  Don't give it to them.