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00:02:28 John Bolby

00:05:01 Dismissive Avoidant

00:06:11 Fearful Avoidant

00:15:45 Bolster Your Self Esteem

00:18:09 Reconsider Your Boundaries

00:18:38 Part Two reparenting Yourself

00:30:31 Step Five

00:33:50 Part Three transactional Analysis

00:51:40 Eric Byrne's Transactional Analysis

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• If we want to know who we are now and why we are that way, we need to look at what came before, i.e., our childhoods. Bowlby outlined different styles of infant attachment (secure attachment, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant) and showed how each shaped the adult’s relationship patterns. We can become aware of and take responsibility for our attachment styles as adults, in the present. Working on self-esteem and having relationships with people with secure attachment styles are ways we can mitigate our early programming.

• You can also heal wounds from the past by “reparenting,” which is consciously choosing to provide yourself as an adult with everything you weren’t provided with as a child. With visualization, our present-day adult goes back to engage with and heal their inner child. Become aware, conjure up the inner child, and dialogue with them, truly listening to what they say. Then commit to giving them what they need.

• It’s important to apply the lessons learned in real life—for example, by setting boundaries or embracing healthier habits and routines.

• Eric Berne’s transactional analysis is another way to understand our ingrained and stereotypical relationship patterns. Berne outlined three ego states we can occupy: parent, child, and adult. These unconscious patterns shape the “games” we play, but with conscious awareness, we can shift into a more neutral adult ego state.

• It’s worthwhile asking yourself what role you most often play and what games recur in your life so that you can consciously choose something different.

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