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It’s ironic that stepparents are so often accused of not loving our stepkids like our own. In my experience, having talked to thousands of stepparents over the years, it’s far more common for us to care too much about our stepkids. Sometimes even to our own detriment.

If our stepkids don’t seem to like us, we keep trying and trying and trying to win them over. If we see that they’re struggling without structure and guidance, we come in with rules and boundaries in an attempt to help. Yet no matter how good our intentions may be, our stepkids just might not be ready for a relationship with us right now. They might not want anything to do with what we’re bringing to the table. In which case, it’s actually okay to step back a little.

Or as we call it here in the stepparent-sphere: disengage. Disengaging is more about letting go of your own expectations for how you wish your stepkid would act than it is not caring about your stepkids. And taking that step back can also be a solution to our own burnout as stepparents.

Disengaging is the natural counterbalance to realizing we have over-engaged. Not because we don’t care about our stepkids, but because we start to wonder if maybe we can best serve our stepkids' interests in a completely different way than we originally envisioned. It’s not ending your relationship with your stepkids — it’s the start of a different way to relate to your stepkid.

To learn how you taking a step back might actually help your stepfamily, start by reading the Disengaging Essay.

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