Stop trying to be a people-pleaser. You probably question its worth sometimes. This week, Jess sits down with Marriage and Family Therapist and author of The New Sex Bible for Women, Dr. Amie Harwick, to discuss the science of people-pleasing and why this doesn’t make for healthy relationships.

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Rough Transcript:

This is a computer-generated rough transcript, so please excuse any typos. This podcast is an informational conversation and is not a substitute for medical, health or other professional advice, diagnosis or treatment. Always seek the services of an appropriate professional should you have individual questions or concerns.

Why Do We Always Aim to Please?

Participant #1:

Hello. Hello. This is Jessica O'Reilly, your friendly neighborhood sexologist at Sex with Dr. Jess, I'm very happy to be with you today with great thanks to my friend at Desire Resorts who are sponsoring today's podcast. And we're going to dive right in as we always do. And as you know, in 20 to 30 minutes, our goal is to give you information, data science backed research that you can use to improve your relationships, change your sex life. And when you do that, of course, you can change your life. And today's episode is a little different than our usual format because I'm going to get a little personal and I have a guest with me who is going to help to conduct a kind of mini therapy session of source. Of course, it's not like traditional therapy because it's not totally confidential. It's going to be a little bit short. I'm sure I won't be as open as I might be behind a therapist closed door, but I will try. And before we get to our guests, I want to give you a bit of background here. So counseling and therapy, as you know, not only can help you if you're having problems in your relationship, but counseling and therapy can improve your relationship overall, even if you go on your own, even if you see a counselor or therapist and you're not having big problems in your relationship. So we all have issues, struggles, challenges, things that we struggle with personally, and these can interfere with our ability to function effectively in a happy relationship. So, for example, maybe you struggle with just confidence, overall, confidence and that's detracting from your happiness in your relationship. Maybe you struggle with trust. Maybe you struggle to just simply express your own needs to other people. Maybe it's sexual repression or guilt or anger or shame. Maybe you struggle with attachment issues or commitment issues. Maybe it has to do with just your daily mood fluctuating very significantly, and that affecting your behavior in your relationship. Maybe you struggle with a need to people, please. The list goes on and on. We all have these things that we struggle with on a daily basis, and I, for one, well, I have lots of struggles, but I really struggle with people pleasing. I have this need to have everyone like me love me even. And dear God, I'm a psychologist in the public eye, so plenty of people do not love and like me, I want everyone to be happy with me at all times, and this drive to people please not only interferes in my own happiness, but in my marriage, too. Now I'm not just talking about, oh, I try and be nice to people, or I want people to think positive of me. That's normal. But sometimes I'm so obsessed with making sure everyone around me by six degrees of separation. I'm so obsessed with making sure everybody is happy that I don't have time to attend to my own needs. I don't prioritize my partner's needs, and this is something that I struggle with personally, but it certainly takes a toll on my relationship. Sometimes I keep myself up at night because I'm obsessing over something I said,