We did it, everyone. We made the most R-rated children’s movie ever.

Comedian and TV writer Joan Ford joins us for A Pilgrimage of Pets! Three lovable pets are about to go on the adventure of nine lifetimes. At a music festival in Northern California, Kingy the idiot bloodhound, Mae the stuck-up kitty, and Avril the anarchist duck stay out partying, p**sing and sh**ting all night. When they wake up, their owners are gone and they have to find their way home. At the table, Patrick makes Brent roll on whether or not cats understand the concept of musicals.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Avril: Joan Ford

Kingy: Geoffrey Golden

Middle-aged Ecclesiastes (Mae): Brent Butler

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod

MOVIE TRIVIA: It might seem easy to get a dog and a duck to literally fill a Mercedes Benz with p**s and s**t, but it actually took animal trainers months of work to get that shot.

If you ever encounter a giant, man-eating blob, consider scatting at it to make it go away.

Robin Higgins joins us for part two of The Goo! When parasitic goo monsters threatens the city, Theo, Trina, and Bland Beige do what all heroes would do: take a sexy shower together for, uh, safety reasons. Then, they fight the monster using the power of collegiate a cappella. At the table, Patrick maybe impresses New England listeners and definitely bores everyone else with his knowledge of Boston landmarks.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Trina Tara: Robin Higgins

Theo Silverplum: Geoffrey Golden

Bland Beige: Brent Butler

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod

MOVIE TRIVIA: The day after filming the sexy shower decontamination scene, the entire grip department called out “horny” from work.

None of this would have happened if we'd built the evil secret lab under a Shoney’s.

Comedian, author, and science educator Robin Higgins tolerates our bunk science in this episode’s movie: The Goo! Ooze-nithologist Theo Silverplum and nondescript government bureaucrat Bland Beige investigate an exploded Friendly’s family restaurant. The culprit… Goo! From space? Probably? Scientist Trina Tara, as smart as she is busty, warns that dark matter is involved. At the table, everyone professes their undying love for the little wooden puzzles at family restaurants. Brent is shocked no one’s heard of the K-car. It’s the car that saved Detroit, people!

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Trina Tara: Robin Higgins

Theo Silverplum: Geoffrey Golden

Bland Beige: Brent Butler

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod

MOVIE TRIVIA: The actor who played Bland Beige went missing three times during filming, simply because he blended into the background of the sound stage and no one could find him.

There can only be one (butt cheek sawed off).

Cartoonist Lars Kenseth joins us for the thrilling conclusion to Tartans of Forever! Three immortals, Grok, Skirm, and Morcant have been ambushed in 1980s NYC. Their long-time enemy, fellow immortal Campbell Stornoway, has sent the NYC Butcher’s Guild to kill them in the only way you can kill an immortal: By sawing off a singular butt cheek. Now Grok, Skirm, and Morcant have to hold on to their butts in a very literal sense. At the table, Geoffrey is astonished to learn that some guy named David Dinkins was actually mayor of NYC once. Brent refuses to heal himself so he can instead make an elaborate rat plan.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Skirm Isher: Lars Kenseth

Grok Winthrop: Geoffrey Golden

Morcant: Brent Butler

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod

MOVIE TRIVIA: David Dinkins in no way approves this message.

The IP lawsuits are temporary, but the laughs are immortal. So we’re ripping off Highlander.

Cartoonist Lars Kenseth joins us for Tartans of Forever! In the year 1356, three immortals met during a war in Scotland. Grok, a caveman who loves business, Skirm Isher, a pikeman who is great at holding poles, and Morcant, a plague doctor/snake-oil salesman, become besties! Now they’re living it up in 1980s NYC with nothing to fear but coke residue on their business cards. Oh, and also, the immortal commander they betrayed in 1356. He’s still around too. At the table, Brent throws some of the worst rolls ever, predictably resulting in snakes everywhere.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Skirm Isher: Lars Kenseth

Grok Winthrop: Geoffrey Golden

Morcant: Brent Butler

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod

MOVIE TRIVIA: All of the Scottish tartans in this movie are really just strategically placed flannel shirts “borrowed” from the cameramen.

If the plastic ball pit at your child’s birthday party doesn’t get melted into molten plastic by hot alien hands, is it even a real party?

Ian Abramson joins us for part two of Hard E’s Big Adventure! Duncan and Maggie try to hide Hard E, an alien visiting Earth, at their local Hardee’s by covering him in fast-food takeout bags and passing him off as an attendee at Amanda Jessup’s birthday party, until the NASA Special Investigations Unit shows up with major firepower. At the table, Ian reveals that, historically, Ronald McDonald was a literal trash person.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Hard E: Ian Abramson

Duncan Punchnugget: Geoffrey Golden

Maggie Burniston: Brent Butler

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod

MOVIE TRIVIA: For tax credit reasons, all scenes set at a Hardee’s were actually shot at a Tim Horton’s in Vancouver.

It’s like if E.T. was wet, scaly, fascinated by hate, and sponsored by a fast food corporation.

Comedian Ian Abramson joins us for Hard E’s Big Adventure! Aspiring bully Duncan Punchnugget and astronomy-club member Maggie Burniston witness a UFO landing. Out pops Hard E, an alien who wants to learn about humanity’s anger and sadness. But Duncan and Maggie will have to keep their new friend safe from the NASA Special Investigations Unit, mostly so Duncan can beat up Hard E himself. Also the whole thing is sponsored by Hardee’s? Not really. It’s a bit. But Hardee’s, if you’re reading this, we’ll absolutely consider a real sponsorship.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Hard E: Ian Abramson

Duncan Punchnugget: Geoffrey Golden

Maggie Burniston: Brent Butler

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Story Editor: Stephen Indrisano

Sound Design: Adam Baker

Financier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespod

MOVIE TRIVIA: Hard E’s costume was so slimy the costumer dropped it on a dirty floor and didn’t clean it because “it gave the suit character.”

Please listen. They have my daughter.

If you don't listen to the trailer for Season 3 of Worst Movies Ever Played, the comedy actual play podcast where the hosts make up bad movies on the spot, I fear what will happen to her.

New episodes start today!

Oh no, they're coming back!!!

While we're in "post-pro" on our third season of Worst Movies Ever Played (coming soon!), here's a bonus made-for-TV style movie called Sunset House from the mid-80s horror anthology series Stories Related to and Generally Concerning the Graveyard.

Percy, an encyclopedia salesman, and Kushy, a van-loving vagabond, are amateur supernatural investigators who come upon a legendary haunted house. No one who stays the night survives until morning, and when the house traps Percy and Kushy inside, they soon learn why.

This special episode is a crossover with Shelterwood, an upcoming 16 episode docu-horror audio fiction series about a missing girl, an impossible suburb, and the American dream. Shelterwood is written and produced by our story editor Stephen Indrisano. Check out Shelterwood's Indiegogo campaign and delve into the mystery.

CREDITS

Your Director: Stephen Indrisano

Percy Marsten: Patrick Baker

Kushy: Geoffrey Golden

Story Editor & Sound Design: Stephen Indrisano

FOLLOW

Twitter

Instagram

Facebook

@ItsPatrickBaker

@GeoffreyGolden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

Movie Trivia: The house used as the main shooting location was owned at the time by Kojak star Telly Savalas. In the background of the kitchen are a box of lollipops.

In the thrilling conclusion of A Hot Night In CyberDallas, Ronnie Fax-Machine and Paramnesia face off against Major Lazer, a Jamaican cyborg killing machine that is, strangely enough, not musical in any way. At the table, Brent adds a dimension of sexy realism to the Cyberpunk genre by pondering the electrical and plumbing layouts of an office building in 2044.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

CREDITS:

Your Director: Patrick Baker

Ronny Faxmachine: Geoffrey Golden

Father Paramnesia: Brent Butler

Story Editor: Julian Mundy

Sound Design: Adam Baker

FOLLOW:

Twitter

Instagram

Facebook

@ItsPatrickBaker

@Geoffrey Golden

@BrentLButler

Straight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

MOVIE TRIVIA: In the script, the name of the company is spelled "Texus Instraments," making them invulnerable to lawsuits.