Struggle Care

14: Weaponized Incompetence with Dr. Lesley Cook

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Today’s topic is weaponized incompetence. If you aren’t familiar with the term, stay tuned and learn more with us. I’m thrilled to be joined again by Dr. Lesley Cook, who is a psychologist and good friend. She lives in Virginia and works mostly with neurodivergent kids, adolescents, and adults. Join us for the conversation!


Show Highlights:

  • An explanation of “weaponized incompetence” and what it means
  • How weaponized incompetence applies to the division of household labor 
  • The key to analyzing weaponized incompetence: Why is it happening?
  • Why this is a tricky topic, especially for those who are neurodivergent and feel challenged
  • Why dignity should be preserved in these conversations with a partner
  • Why it’s OK to set boundaries even if someone is unintentionally hurting you
  • Ways to solve problems without shame or blame
  • The difference in functional barriers and weaponized incompetence
  • How to talk through solutions and support for a partner
  • How “maternal gatekeeping” plays into the dynamic
  • Why couples need to have conversations about care tasks, household chores, and childcare BEFORE they have kids
  • Why there is a difference between weaponized incompetence and learned helplessness
  • Dr. Lesley’s tips: “Approach your partner in good faith, open up the conversation, and ask for collaboration in finding something that works better for BOTH partners.”
  • Why the question should be, “Is exploitation happening?”
  • Why you can’t go on appearances regarding a division of labor
  • How to begin the approach with a partner or child: “This isn’t working for me; how can we figure this out together?”


    • Resources:

    Connect with Dr. Lesley: TikTok and Instagram

    Connect with KC: TikTok and Instagram

    Get KC’s book, How to Keep House While Drowning

    Helpful resources mentioned in this episode:

     How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn

     Fair Play by Eve Rodsky 

         The Sensory Child Gets Organized by Carolyn Dalgliesh

         Ready for Take-Off by Theresa E. Laurie Maitland and Patricia O. Quinn

                     A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD by Sari Solden, Michelle Frank, and Ellen Littman

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