Ever feel like you’re the “parent” in your relationship — managing everything while your partner just... coasts? You’re not alone. And it’s not just you being controlling. 

Host Cate Osborn talks with ADHD coach Kristen Carder (host of I Have ADHD, author of the upcoming You’re Not in Trouble) about why ADHD relationships so easily slide into parent-child dynamics, and how to climb back out.

They get into why resentment is the red flag to watch for, and Kristen’s favorite mantra for “de-centering” an overfunctioning partner (“there is no sun — we’re equals here”). Plus eldest daughter syndrome, and why chicken nuggets for dinner is sometimes the healthiest choice you’ll make all day.

Honest, funny, and genuinely useful if you’ve ever wondered whether you’re parenting your partner instead of loving them.

For more on this topic 

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Does ADHD really mean poor self-control? Or is that the myth that’s been making everything harder? 

Dr. Polaris Koi is a philosopher who studies ADHD and self-regulation (and is an ADHDer themselves). In this episode, Cate and Polaris get into why “just try harder” is not only unhelpful advice — it’s based on science that most researchers don’t even believe anymore. 

They talk about why impulsivity in ADHD adults rarely looks like the textbook version (hi, compulsive shopping and 3 a.m. tattoo urges). How shame and anxiety make executive function worse. And why learning to work with your brain’s patterns beats white-knuckling your way through every temptation. Plus why some ADHDers end up over-controlled — which comes with its own set of problems. 

If you’ve ever told yourself you’re just lazy, bad at relationships, or fundamentally broken because you can’t seem to get it together, this one’s for you. 

For more on this topic

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Do you feel almost manic after really good sex — craving more, making impulsive decisions, fixating on the next time? In this episode of Reddit reactions, Cate and Jessamine tackle five real Reddit posts from ADHD women. 

Digging into some seriously NSFW posts, they look at why some people with ADHD never feel spontaneous sexual attraction — and why that might be about “out of sight, out of mind.” Also…

The orgasm pressure problem: When a partner’s need for reassurance after sex gets in the way of intimacy.

The sex countdown: The anxiety loop that starts the moment sex ends (“It’s been X days”). And how scheduling intimacy (not sex specifically) can interrupt it.

Hyperfixation and libido: Does getting obsessively into a show, book, or research topic actually raise your sex drive? 

Real Reddit questions, really good answers. 

For more on this topic 

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Did you know that women with ADHD consume explicit fiction at dramatically higher rates than neurotypical women — and there’s a neurological reason?

Dr. Erika Miley is a licensed mental health counselor, certified sex therapist, and author of the only dissertation published on ADHD and women’s sexuality. After surveying over 2,000 participants, one thing kept surfacing: smut. Romantasy, explicit romance, audio erotica — all of it.

In this episode, she explains why the ADHD brain is uniquely drawn to literary erotica, how smut raises the arousal threshold enough to sustain focus, and why neurodivergent women are using it for everything from processing emotional vulnerability to getting through household chores. 

Find Dr. Miley at erikamiley.com.

For more on this topic

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Is ADHD self-diagnosis valid? According to clinical psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Kilmer, that’s the wrong question entirely. When access to diagnosis is limited by cost, insurance, stigma, and identity — and when the people who self-diagnose show higher rates of negative self-image and internalized stigma — the real conversation isn’t about validity. It’s about how we make sure people have access to good information.

Cate and Dr. Kilmer dig into what really happens when people research their own neurodivergence. They discuss research analyzing 452,000 Reddit posts that found self-diagnosed individuals seek more social validation. But they benefit less from it.

They cover what actually happens in a clinical ADHD assessment and how comorbidities like anxiety, depression, and OCD complicate the picture. And they discuss why the question “Is self-diagnosis valid?” misses the point when getting a formal diagnosis is a privilege that many can’t access.

For more on this topic

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

If your home has ever felt like it’s working against you, this one’s for you. Certified professional organizer Alison Lush joins the show to unpack the ADHD relationship to stuff. Learn what chronic disorganization actually means, why the Marie Kondo method can backfire, and how to build systems that work with your brain. We also get into the emotional weight of clutter, organizing as a couples issue, and why community might be the most underrated tool of all.

For more on this topic

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Laura Mears-Reynolds, founder of ADHDAF and an award-winning community organizer, joins Cate to talk about online communication, building connection, and staying in touch when you have ADHD. They dig into rejection sensitive dysphoria and miscommunication, object permanence with people, time blindness in relationships — and why online community can be genuinely life-saving. Plus: the great voice memo debate, and why your calendar reminder system for friends is not sociopathic.

For more on this topic

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Content warning: This episode discusses self-harm. 

What does it actually take to finish a book with ADHD? 

Cate sits down with Erik Gude, her co-author of The ADHD Field Guide for Adults, to unpack five years of starts, stops, and persistence. They get into taking advantage of accessibility options and overcoming the shame of looming, unfinished projects to get this one done. 

For more on this topic 

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

As we know, Reddit is full of messy love stories, and we have thoughts. 

From gaslighting and age gaps to the weird magic of “new relationship energy,” we read posts that make us laugh, cringe, and wonder — can memory be used as a weapon in a relationship?

For more on this topic

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Division of labor between partners isn’t easy for anyone. Add ADHD and suddenly dishes come with shame. Trash becomes a crisis. And rest starts to feel sketchy. 

Cate sits down with KC Davis to unpack the messy, deeply human reality of sharing work at home. They talk about resentment, perfectionism, time blindness, trust, and why keeping score almost never fixes anything.

For more on this topic

For a transcript and more resources, visit Sorry, I Missed This on Understood.org. You can also email us at [email protected].

Understood.org is a nonprofit organization dedicated to empowering people with learning and thinking differences, like ADHD and dyslexia. If you want to help us continue this work, donate at understood.org/give

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.