With its catchy Broadway-style songs, all-star cast (including Tim Curry as the Grand Wizard), and super-cheesy 80’s green screen special effects, this family-friendly flick follows the mishaps of Mildred (Fairuza Balk) as she clumsily bumbles her way through witch school – but ultimately saves the day in the end, of course.
We also talk about the links between this film (based on a bestselling children’s book series) and the Harry Potter franchise, and Craig and Kristen sing a duet or two. It’s an episode for the whole family. Enjoy!
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The Worst Witch (1986)
Episode 211, 2 Guys and a Chainsaw Horror Movie Review Podcast
Todd: Hello and welcome to another episode of Two Guys and a Chainsaw. I’m Todd.
Todd: And joining us today is longtime friend of the podcast and personal friend of mine. This is Craig’s sister, Kristen. Say hello to the people, Kristen.
Kristen: Hello, people, and happy spooky season! Yeee! Halloween!
Todd: We’ve had you on here several times before.
Let’s see, what have we all talked about? We’ve talked about the world ending movie, the home invasion one.
Kristen: Home invasions, yes. Did I do the Monster Squad? I think I did the Monster Squad. Did you? Yeah. I’m pretty sure.
Todd: We, we brought you in for a couple of, at least a couple that you and Craig used to watch incessantly growing up.
And because today’s episode is the long requested by many, many of our listeners over the course of probably every year, I think we’ve done this podcast practically during Halloween season, we’re doing the worst witch, uh, TV show special from 1986. You and Craig, I understand watched this a lot growing up and that’s why we’ve got you on.
Kristen: Yes, probably millions of times.
Kristen: even exaggerating.
Todd: Millions of times. Well, twice
Kristen: already in the last month.
Todd: It’s even continuing into adulthood. I gotta admit to you guys, I’ve never seen this or heard of it before in my life.
Craig: What now I can understand maybe not seeing it, but I can’t understand that even knowing about it.
Todd: knew about it when we started doing this podcast. And every time we asked for a Halloween possibilities, somebody comes out of the woodwork. If not a half a dozen people are like, are you going to do the worst witch? I just, I just remember that so much from my childhood. It’s such a goofy movie.
And I’m like, what is that? And I had to look it up.
Kristen: I’m so happy to hear that people have requested this because I kept telling Craig, what in the world would we do? Talk about, this is not a horror movie, only an hour long. I had such anxiety about it that I had nightmares last night. I dreamt that we were all together and that Todd was being really passive aggressive the whole time.
And you just, you kept bringing out buckets of Halloween candy. Like, I really didn’t want to get this out. I really need this for tomorrow. But you just didn’t know what else to do. So I think my subconscious was worried that this would go terribly wrong.
Todd: I want to see that movie. This
Todd: I just Seriously, like, people request it all the time, and I just I guess it aired on HBO?
It was It was done in 86, but it was a British Production, or at least it was produced in Britain. And it did show at least a little bit on some television over there, but then immediately, I think it was commissioned for HBO. And so HBO was showing it every year up until the mid 90s. Yeah. And the Disney Channel as well, I think.
Did you see it? Would you guys have seen it on HBO or the Disney Channel? Or where would you guys have seen it?
Craig: HBO for sure. And at some point we videotaped it, but I do remember that they played it every Halloween. Um, and they would like tease it. Like they would show clips from it to tease it. Oh gosh.
Kristen: Yeah. I would have said that we recorded it off of like a free week trial week. Yes. Yeah. And then that’s probably right.
Todd: We did so much of that HBO and the Disney channel, you know, you get that free preview weekend or whatever, if you are a cable subscriber and it would, it’d also be like, they’d throw their best stuff up there, you know, cause they’re trying to get you to subscribe.
So you’d have that VH. We always had a tape ready to record, like everything that was coming on. And, and you’re right. Those would be our staples. Those would be the things that my sisters and I. Would pop in whenever we wanted to watch something. And so we would, we’d watch the same things over and over again with the same commercials.
Craig: I’ve been excited about talking about this for like weeks, but I’ve been thinking about it. And Kristen and I watched this so many times, not entirely, but in part out of necessity, I wonder, and Kristen, I’m glad you’re here. Cause you have kids. You can tell us, do kids have these things anymore? Do they have these things that they watch over and over and over again?
Craig: have like strong connections to because they’re so inundated with media from every angle They don’t they don’t have the necessity of rewatching things because there’s always something new to watch.
Kristen: Yeah, so my kids are older now They’re 16 and 13 But we certainly my son Kai had movies when he was a kid that he wanted to watch over and over again like the spy kid Franchise he loved those and we would watch them over and over and over but Once we were like giving them iPads it kind of ends it like he will not even watch a movie these days We’ll say we want to watch it.
Like I don’t watch movies and it’s true. He watches YouTube and he watches tik tok He won’t watch movies, but they watch stuff. They’re just not interested in movies and it’s really sad This was like our whole childhood and even now it’s we really enjoy doing it
Todd: You know, my son is seven, and we have purposely tried not to inundate him with media, you know?
And we’re very deliberate about what we, what he watches and what we let him watch. But we, but we try to be reasonable about it, you know? We don’t want to isolate this poor kid so he gets to school and, you know, nobody knows, you know, he can’t relate to anybody because he doesn’t know what anything is.
But that said, like, I’ve seen these tendencies with him too. It may be a little too early to tell cause he’s only seven, but he’s in second grade. And the other day when he was over here, he, we, we put in a movie that I thought he would like, I don’t remember what it was. And the first thing out of his mouth was, Oh, This is a real person movie.
I don’t like to watch real person movies, daddy. What he meant was live action. You know, he’s so cartoon centered, but also like YouTube centered, like he watches Minecraft videos. And again, we are very frugal, you know, with what we allow him to, we don’t give him free reign over YouTube and it’s actually a treat for him.
But I, I see that pattern, you know, I, I even see that with myself. It sounds weird, but it’s a bit of a commitment to sit down for an hour and a half when, when you’ve got little bits and snippets of things that you can watch throughout the day at your fingertips, you know?
Kristen: Right, but then you’ll realize you’ve been looking at, like, YouTube or scrolling on something for like three hours.
An hour and a half, right! I guess I could have watched a whole movie. My daughter will still watch movies with me. She loves Halloween. And so, um, I had just listened to your Goosebumps episode and I was like, I can’t believe I haven’t watched Goosebumps. I read all those R. L. Stine books when I was a kid.
So Keely and I watched that yesterday and we both loved it. So she’ll still watch the occasional movie with me.
Craig: Well, that’s good. I can’t even get Alan to watch movies too long. Well, he has, I considered asking him to, uh, rewatch it with me, but he wasn’t. Interested. So no, I didn’t make him watch it this time around, but well, I certainly still enjoyed it because you’ve never seen it before and I’m hesitant to even ask because I told you going in, I said, Todd, it’s not a good movie.
It is. Looks old as hell. The like, it’s a made for TV movie from the eighties. And like the effects are like, they are just green screening the shit out of everything. Um, So I, I’m hesitant to ask, but what did you
Todd: think? Well, don’t forget. I put it on the list, right? Like, uh, that’s true. You did, you picked it.
I fully understood what I was getting into because this is no different in many ways than all of those TV movies. That we would see from this era 1986 square in the middle of the 80s Cheaply produced, you know, the special effects are going to be cheap They’re going to be video the thing was was it shot on video some of it was definitely shot on video Some of it was clearly shot on film, but again cheap video green screen effects God, even the copy that We found to watch is just again.
I felt like I was back in front of my, you know, 10 inch screen. Was that’s as good as it gets. I have it on DVD. Oh, really? That’s what it always looks like. Still no better. It always looks the same. You can’t clean up a picture. Like you just can’t. It would, because when people clean up movies, it’s, they take them back to the pristine original, you know, those, those original negatives.
They were nice, you know, with a nice, well shot frame. Movie on film even a low budget one, but you know this crap shot for TV is half TV cameras And I mean, it’s just cheap So it’s never gonna look good unless you get some AI in here to like add add elements that were never there in the first Place. So yeah, I knew exactly what I was getting into and I was fully prepared for it I was surprised when I started watching it.
I was like, this is Harry Potter 1. 0 Um, so the girl
Todd: it is, it’s the girl and I mean, come on, there’s so many elements in here of Harry Potter that I had to wonder, was this a genre that JK Rowling just kind of picked up on and ran with? Or certainly she was directly inspired by this in some way, shape or form.
Todd: Yeah. You talked about that too. Troll.
Craig: This is jumping way ahead, but this is. Uh, one of three screen adaptations of a children’s book series that began in the late seventies. And I knew Kristen, you had said that you saw that there was a series. I just assumed that you were talking about the one that happened.
I don’t remember pre 2000, more recently two series. Yeah. Yeah. I
Kristen: think that’s a new one.
Craig: That’s what I’m saying. There is, well, it’s not new, but it started in 2017. And just out of curiosity, I popped it on right before we started talking and Mildred Hubble is played by Bella Ramsey. The girl from The Last of Us?
Kristen: I don’t, I don’t, I haven’t seen that. No kidding.
Todd: The main girl from The Last of Us.
Kristen: Yes, the main person.
Todd: That would work. They
Craig: are non binary, but the main person from The Last of Us is Mildred Hubble in that. And, and literally I, I just popped it on right before we got on. So I only watched like 10 minutes, but it felt even more Harry Potter.
Like she’s just a normal girl in her apartment and she happens to see witches flying towards this castle, but nobody else can see them. And then one of them, Maude, who is also a character in this. movie that we watched.
Kristen: One of my favorite characters. Like, me
Craig: too. She’s my favorite.
Kristen: I already want to talk about my favorite line, which is in the very beginning when they’re going in to take their potions test and Mildred says, But that’s cheating.
’cause she’s gonna take in her book and she’s like, right, . I just love her. She’s funky, she’s
Craig: hilarious. And she’s got Mildred’s back all the time. I don’t know, I guess we should start at the beginning. Yeah. I,
Todd: I never answered your question, but I suppose that’ll get answered as we go along, . Uh, well, generally speaking, you have, do you under,
Kristen: do you have to pretend you’re a child?
Craig: I do. See it from our point of view. Yes. Like you saw this when you were a kid.
Todd: A hundred percent. And, and I could even put myself there, you know? And I think that’s the saving grace of all of this is that, you know, I remember watching shows like this and loving shows like this. Even though I had not watched and loved this particular one, I totally get it.
You know, none of the aesthetic really bothered me too much. In fact, it was a little nostalgic and kind of quaint to go back and remember, oh yeah, this is what it was. And then. When Tim Curry comes on screen, my eyes are, you know, three inches away because I love Tim Curry to death. No matter what he’s in, I will watch that man.
And then he started his musical number and I was so full of joy.
Kristen: What you were being for Halloween this, Oh my God.
Kristen: As soon as you see the grand high wizard, I
Todd: Yes, and I will prance around just like he did and spin and have that cape with the extended it. It’s like you hold these rods and you know, your cape extends beyond your hands into these rods.
Kristen: It also kind of reminds me of like ribbon dancers. Yeah. With their ribbons. It’s like this. Yeah.
Todd: I’ve seen this. What it
Kristen: was. Todd, I don’t know if you ever, when, in your childhood, went someplace like Six Flags, for example, and they had the room you went in with all your cousins, and you made a music video.
And it was a big green screen, and it was exactly what his number was. Oh, yes,
Todd: exactly. Yeah, the booths, right? Where they were like, you’d pay extra. Yeah, and you can
Kristen: bet your bottom dollar. We have done that before.
Kristen: No, with this song. They didn’t have that in the book. Oh, I
Todd: thought you were gonna drop this bombshell on me, but yeah.
Oh no, yeah, 100%. That’s exactly
Craig: would pay a thousand dollars if we could find that video. Oh my god, I
Kristen: know. Our name was the Tidal Wave 5. I remember.
Craig: Wow. Oh, man. That
Craig: me back. And we did
Kristen: old time rock and roll.
Craig: Oh, God. God. I remember doing it, but I couldn’t, I didn’t remember what we did.
Oh, that’s funny. The thing
Kristen: is, guys, these are the things, like, we do these things with our cousins. We watch this movie with our cousins all the time. And we had so much fun growing up. watching these crappy movies. They weren’t crappy then, we thought they were the best thing ever, but this was our childhood.
Todd: We sound like old people when we say this stuff, but we
Craig: are, we, I mean, we’re not old,
Craig: older though. And it’s, it’s, it’s bizarre because I find myself turning into my parents, both of them. And I’m just like, Kids these days.
Todd: No, but we have an excuse because tech we’re quite young still but like tech has moved super fast So these things that were so quaint were just a few decades ago Whereas for our parents quaint things were like, you know, 50 60 decades ago like, you know technology Automobiles.
Yeah My grandma talking about being pulled in a horse drawn carriage, but like this kind of thing Yeah Is so far removed from, like, you can do a green screen crap in your apartment now with your phone and you don’t even need a green screen behind you. Like, it’ll just, No, and it would look way better than this movie looks.
Kristen: what I was gonna say, and it looks way better than
Todd: So like, even that, this wasn’t like super impressive, but at least like it was cool movie magic to have this kind of green screen stuff. And just like you said, Kristen, the most bad ass thing in the world for you to be in a place where you could sing and dance in front of a green screen and put together your own music video that looked just like this on TV.
Craig: Oh boy. Yeah, it was a different time. Well, it was a different time, but I’m glad that you could at least appreciate it. But honestly. I love every second of it. This, this movie is only an hour and 10 minutes long. And it’s not even really that long with like the credits and stuff. I have as many notes on this movie as I have on any movie that we ever do.
Well over a page, single space. Every single thing that happened, I was like, Oh, this is important.
Well, so I’m obviously not going to be able to go through all of that, but we should, at least at some point, talk about what happened.
Todd: Can I just say real quick on the production value they filmed it I think at an actual college But it looks like your classic English boarding school just straight out of Harry Potter or something like that.
So they filmed it there and so Immediately for me just because maybe because I’m American maybe this wouldn’t impress you if you went to a boarding school like this But you know, okay kind of high production value real British people speaking with real British accents Mostly, yeah, not all of them.
Garrett’s accent is questionable. Yeah, well All
Kristen: of her bits are questionable.
Craig: She’s the main Charlotte Rae from, uh, The Facts of Life. The Facts of Life, yeah. She’s Wisconsin
Todd: Galilee. So like, you know, okay, production value. And then you kind of look at the fact that you’ve got, they’re doing their green screen.
Some of the, um, the broom flying sequences, I was impressed with how they were able to shoot that on a limited budget with obvious green screen and still make it halfway decent. It actually wasn’t. I mean, it looks cheesy, but you know, it kind of works for, for, for that. But then there were just random elements of cheapness that I could not get over because in the very first scene, when, uh, the two girls pile and took their potions class, like you were talking about, they walk right into this classroom and put past.
A blow up plastic skeleton that is hanging in the room, you know, this is like a potions class. It’s a school It’s like a science class at the very least They’re supposed to be like a giant human skeleton or a plastic skull or whatever for anatomy study that they’re going past But what they literally walk by is a blow up plastic halloween decoration
Craig & Kristen: I couldn’t believe that is so true
Kristen: I have never noticed.
Craig & Kristen: didn’t notice that?
Craig: either. And I, no, I haven’t either. And I’m sitting here thinking, that’s not important.
Todd: talk about the movie. It’s important to me, Craig. It’s important to me.
Kristen: It’s not as important as the music in this movie.
Craig: Okay, let me, let me just do this. Just kidding, I never
That’s funny though. I’ve never noticed that. I haven’t either.
Craig: I did for the first time ever notice this time that they have a poster of David Bowie in their bedroom and I thought that was cool. Oh yeah. So this is Miss Cackle’s International Academy for Witches founded in 1604 and it’s run by Miss Cackle who is Charlotte Rae, beloved actress from the Facts of Life.
I love her. Uh, actually started on different strokes. Facts of Life was a spinoff of that. She’s fantastic. Mildred Hubble is our main character and she is the worst witch because she’s just clumsy and absent minded and she’s played by Firuza Balk, who I am a huge fan of. Kristen can attest to the fact that I had, uh, the craft poster.
On my bedroom wall all through college. Wow.
Kristen: He thought he was a witch.
Todd: Really? Well, He wanted in
Kristen: their cool girl witch club. And I can only, I
Todd: can only assume you guys were as traumatized by repeated viewings of Return to Oz as we were as children as well.
Craig: Absolutely. Dramatized and traumatized. Enamored, another of my favorite movies.
That’s another movie that we could definitely do on this podcast and Kristen should join us because that movie was f ing scary.
Kristen: I called Craig and I said, we should be doing Return to Oz because that movie is scary.
Todd: That’s actually horror.
Kristen: Those Wheeler guys.
Craig: God. And the witch in there with
Save it. Save it. We’ll do it one of these days. All right. So Mildred is the worst witch. And she’s got a friend, Maude, who’s funny, I love her. And then there’s the bully, Ethel Hallow, and she, uh, I also, like, I don’t love Ethel Hallow, because she’s a total bitch, but I do love her because she’s a total bitch.
It’s hilarious. Okay. So that’s, so that’s the setup. Okay. And so then it’s just a cute story about, uh, Mildred being awkward and, you know, bumping into people and making a whole line of witches fall down and just bumbling and stuff like that. And it’s hilarious. But Kristen. Bye. Yes, the music is the best.
Kristen: Well, I did call Craig when he said, well, you were going to do this movie. Will you do it with us? I said, I texted him back and said, I just sang the whole opening credit song just to see if I could. I,
Craig & Kristen: I get twisted up in the words sometimes, but the opening, the opening song
That it is meant to be sung. I don’t know what that
Craig & Kristen: means. As
Kristen: cheesy as it is.
Craig: Okay, okay, wait. Alright, you’re going to have to help me with the words though. Cause I, I get, I get mixed up in the first part. Growing up isn’t easy.
Craig & Kristen: Scared of, scared of every move you make. How much? How much can a young girl take me on the wall?
Craig & Kristen: Who? Who’s the worst witch of the, this
Kristen: isn’t going well. You’re too slow. It’s hard to
Craig & Kristen: do on, uh, on video chat. Yeah. ’cause there’s delays. I can, yeah. I think, I think one of us is on a delay.
Clip: Growing up is easy. Scared of every movie
much. Can a young girl take
Craig: I could sing that whole thing.
Kristen: I can say the whole movie. I realize I have the whole thing memorized and it brought back memories of, I think I would. Like, stand in front of my mirror and do these lines like I was in the movie. Like, not even while watching the movie. I would just then do them later. Every time certain lines would come up, I was like, Oh, I remember doing that.
Craig: I remember too. I remember just throwing the lot. Like, when Mildred and Maude are making potions and they’re supposed to be making this laughter potion. Um, and all the other girls know what they’re doing and they’re doing it really fast. And Ethel is being perfect and a bitch as she always is. Um, like, they have no idea.
So they start throwing shit in and they’re like, I
Clip: weed. That’s right! Oh, we gather it at midnight. How much? Oh, I’m not sure. Just throw in a handful. Fuck. Oh, two handfuls.
Craig: And then it doesn’t, it doesn’t make them laugh. It turns them invisible, which is a way better potion, which they agree. That it is, if only they could remember how they did it. This movie is so funny, Todd. It is. It’s
Todd: got a lot of humor. I mean, it’s just a throw everything in the kitchen sink in the air kind of, kind of movie.
You know, I like that. I mean, the kids movies were like that. If you can get a little gag in, If you can get a little laugh in, just throw it in. It doesn’t have to be sophisticated, right?
Craig: The shoes bit when they’re invisible, like, doesn’t even make any sense, but it’s still hilarious to me that their shoes are like moving
It’s also like, is it a musical? Is it not a musical? There’s a couple songs and dances. There’s there’s music in the background, but then there are two actual musical numbers. So it really is. Let’s throw a little bit of this in here. This is what this movie needs.
Todd: I will tell you as a kid I was, I always res resented the fact that a kid’s movie, it was seemed obligatory that there had to be at least one song in there.
I was like, why can’t they make movies for us that have no songs in them at all? But, uh, the TV movies, not
Craig: me. I was like, more songs. Yeah. I don’t know. We
Kristen: like the song and dance. He’s sound like my husband.
Kristen: they say that happy people have a song in their heart. Oh,
Todd: my cold, dead, shriveled heart has no room for song.
Kristen: Even as a child, apparently.
Craig: my God. It was born that way. That’s so funny. Yeah. So Mildred and Ethel have this, uh, Rivalry. And that’s a thing apparently. Um, but also outside the school, miss cackles, evil twin sister, Agatha and her lackey Delilah are spying and listening to the girls, uh, sing the school song and Oh God, I, I wrote it down cause I wanted to say it so bad.
I don’t remember what it was, but she’s like, How dare they? They’re ruining
Clip: my school song. Was mine by birth. Mine before my sister stole it. She was always mom’s favorite. I was jealous of me. What did I care? She
Craig & Kristen: had a miss. Cackle has this terrible.
Craig: Miss Cackle’s, uh, accent, her British accent is not great, but the Southern accent is hilarious to me.
And Delilah is another one of my favorite characters from this movie.
Kristen: Delilah is like, they found the crazy drunk woman on the corner and just said, Hey, put this on. Be
Kristen: We’re going to put some makeup on you and just be yourself. Walk around on this fire. She was, she’s something.
Craig: She’s funny, she’s bug eyed, and oh my gosh, hilarious.
And I don’t know, you know, what do y’all want to say about the plot? I wrote every single thing, I basically have the script in front of me, so if you want me
Craig: it, it’s only an hour long.
Kristen: Well basically all one really needs to know is Mildred is the clumsy, uh, ingenue of this story and Ethel’s the bully and then there’s some conflict because the evil twin sister is lurking and she wants to get her school back because there’s another number about If you’re filthy, smelly, evil, wicked, and cruel.
Yes, so she wants the school to go back to creating these evil, filthy, cruel witches. So that’s the conflict. You know, somehow Mildred’s gonna have to save the day. And she does. So, anyway, that’s the whole story.
Todd: Well, the evil witches, they, they drop out of the picture after they’re introduced, pretty much, and don’t pop back in till pretty much the end.
Craig & Kristen: check in with them from time to time. Oh, maybe once.
Todd: Maybe once. If not much. No, no, no, no. I, I, no. Most of it’s focused on the girls and their wacky hijinks and these kids who are just relentlessly cruel to, uh, to Mildred. Poor girl. And she’s
Craig: nothing but sweet. She is. And she’s absolutely lovely and adorable and I love that her friend Maude sticks up for her.
And silly things happen. Who’s the mean girl? Oh gosh. Who’s the mean girl?
Craig: Ethel is the mean girl. Oh okay. Ethel
Craig: They play this game called Terror Tag. Which
Kristen: I always wanted to play. But how Stupid. The things that scare people who are supposed to be witches.
Kristen: terrified because you stuck your tongue out.
Craig & Kristen: I’m like, held your
Craig: eyebrows up. Oh, but that’s, that’s what it is. Like you run around and hide and you try to scare you’re in two teams and you try to scare the opposite team. And every time you can make somebody from the opposite team scream, your team gets a point. And apparently young girls will scream at the sight of anything.
Kristen: That’s actually true. I work in an elementary school. They scream all the time.
Craig: Oh, yeah. I have worked in an elementary school too. There is a lot of screaming. But it was funny to me, and Ethel, because she wears It’s a scary mask and makes, uh, Mildred scream like a hundred times, 11 times. I got
Kristen: to say, as an adult, Mildred is not as cute to me.
I was like, well, she is really annoying to scream 20 times when you see a mask on clearly. Your classmates body,
Craig: right? And you, you knew it was Ethel. You were trying specifically to scare her the whole, but that whole sequence was silly because why would any, especially if the goal was not to scream. I mean, I guess the game wouldn’t be very fun if nobody screamed ever, it’d be zero zero all the time, but it was kind of silly and honestly, watching it back, this isn’t Farooza Balk’s best performance, but she’s adorable and I love her and she has such, she always has had, obviously, since she was a child and still has a very unique And I think very beautiful look.
She has these icy eyes and I loved her in the craft. I will never say a bad word about her unless she does something stupid. And then I might, but up till now, I’ll never say a bad word about her. Cause I’m such a fan, but this movie is not going to be nominated for any awards.
Kristen: Now that we have that cleared up.
Todd: I was on pins and needles wondering I What I really liked was that they were again It was like a kitchen sink kind of movie wherever they could get a gag and they could and I have to imagine that there Were other characters in this book series that they just popped in just because they thought they would be fun like Mrs.
Cackle has a niece Donna who’s who flies in and has a family Telephone on her broom, which was kind of a funny gag. She was funny. And, um, this, uh, woman who comes in, is it Miss Spellbinder?
Craig: Miss Spellbinder? Yeah. Like,
Kristen: that’s who I wanted to be. She missed her phone. Oh, she was
Todd: She, yeah, she’s like an Amelia Earhart of flying brooms.
It seems like she’s got that out
Craig: there. She’s head, she is bedecked and head to toe. Red leather
Kristen: She has a blue unitard, but then she has red leather and there’s like a big spider web on the back of her cape Yeah, he has those like sassy red boots. Yeah, I wanted to be her. She was really cool
This is starting to sound very not childlike by the way the way you guys are describing
Craig: this No, but when I when I I know but when I say head like literally like the the boots and then like she’s she Well, she’s you can see part of her face And she’s even got goggles on in some places, so she is completely covered, but the actress is beautiful.
But I also feel like she’s played up to be the one that they all kind of look up to. Like she’s the cool, hot one.
Todd: Yeah. And it’s also supposed to be like that classic, like flight suit, right? From, you know, And she teaches
Craig: flying and talk about Harry Potter. Like Yeah.
Craig: that scene looks like it’s like Harry Potter lifted it right out.
I mean, I don’t know. How else do you shoot a flying instruction thing in front of a castle? I guess if you’re going to shoot that, it’s going to, yeah.
Kristen: Did anyone else notice that every class last. Approximately five minutes at this school, like there’s, she said, it’ll take you three minutes to make this spell.
Then it was like, class dismissed. And then, and this one, of course, Mildred, she has an accident with her broom and she hits the bell and they’re like, Oh, there’s the lunch bell. It’s been like five minutes. Class dismissed. I
Craig & Kristen: want to go
Craig & Kristen: Yeah. Two.
Kristen: Is the end of terror tag when Mildred gets her revenge on Ethel?
Yes. Yes. Okay. That’s a great part. So we know from prior, uh, footage in this film that Mildred is not great at spells, okay? But she, she gets so ticked off at Ethel because she’s being so mean and she’s like, she cheated, she cheated, she wore a mask, that she says she’s gonna turn her into a frog or a toad or something.
And, um, Ethel’s just like, okay, go ahead and try. So all of a sudden, Mildred just has spells in her mind in the same, Words. And she, um, she tries to, to turn her into a frog and she does turn her into something but it’s not a frog. She turns her into a pig. Not really sure how that happened but Ethel is a pig is one of my favorite characters in the movie.
Todd: Yeah. It’s fantastic. She’s still bitchy and whiny as a pig. She’s
Kristen: still very bitchy and whiny but you’re looking at a really cute pig while she does it. That’s true. So it’s great.
Craig: Oh god. Ethel tells Mildred like hurry up and and Mildred’s like you hurry up. She’s arguing with this pig and she also like she’s also Oh, I’m really sorry, Ethel.
I didn’t mean to turn you into a pig. And Ethel’s like, I’m gonna get you, Mildred Hubble. And you’re right. Like, we’re just looking at this pig speaking in her voice. Hilarious.
Kristen: I actually thought for early 80s that those, uh, when she’s turn changing her back to Ethel and it kind of closes up on her eyes.
I thought that was pretty advanced for the time. I thought that effect looked pretty good. It was
Todd: almost like a morphing effect, wasn’t it? Yeah, yeah. I was impressed, yeah.
Craig: I don’t know, to me it, it, it all looked like film. Like it, it didn’t even look to me like they necessarily did anything With makeup. It was just like they were just kind of superimposing the pig face over her face and and gradually like fading the pig face out and fading her face and it
Todd: just lined up really well.
Craig: it did. It did line up really well. I liked it. I liked everything. I liked everything about this
Todd: movie. We know that.
Kristen: You made it clear.
Todd: The big thing is that then there, there’s some kind of something going, Oh, the visit by the grand wizard because the grand wizard only chooses one school to visit every year at Halloween time.
Is that right? Every Halloween, yeah. Is it Charl uh, Miss Cackle? Who’s really into
Craig: Well, everybody is
Kristen: all swooning. It had never
Craig: occurred to me. I, I just read this, uh, in the trivia, but it had never occurred to me that Tim Curry is the only male character in this movie. It never occurred to me. Um, but yeah, they’re all swooning over him.
I think it’s so. Sweet and funny when the girls are all passing around a photograph of him and like
Craig: holding it to their bosoms and kiss.
Kristen: I thought it was so funny too. But then at the same time, I was like, man, you can tell they’re the only, like, there’s only girls at the school. Cause even as a young girl that confused me, like he’s not cute girls.
This is, uh, I dunno, Kristin then , I think we might probably, this was surely after, uh, he did Rocky Horror and I’d probably seen him in that first and thought, I’m not even sure he’d be into you girls . Oh
Kristen: um, anyway, that was a little confusing to me. But then of course once I saw his music video. I was like, I get it.
I hadn’t seen his tambourine. Now I get
Todd: it. Have you seen my tambourine?
As he pulls it out and is hitting it. Oh God, it’s so good.
Kristen: That sounded like a different kind of movie. But no guys, we’re actually talking about a tambourine.
Todd: No, wow. You know that, I don’t know if you guys did a deep dive into this or not, but do you know who did the music for this?
Craig: Uh, I read it, but it wasn’t anybody that I Recognize.
Todd: Okay, Charles Strauss and Don Black, uh, collaborated on these. Um, Charles Strauss, uh, he’s a composer for Bye Bye Birdie, Annie, lots of things you wouldn’t imagine when you see this film. And, uh, All Dogs Go to Heaven, all those kinds of things. Don Black, the lyricist, same thing. He even did lyrics for a lot of James Bond themes, believe it or not.
Kristen: Maybe somebody knew him and they were like, Hey, I need a favor. Like, can you whip this out? Yeah, it sounds like I’m talking about a different movie again. Can you, can you, you got it started, talking about him pulling out his tambourine and hitting on it. Um, but maybe, because these lyrics are not, I know I did, sorry.
Kristen: but yeah, these lyrics, These don’t, these don’t show a lot of time and effort. They don’t, at least in the grand high, they don’t.
Craig: Oh, no. Oh God. They’re so funny. I wish I could remem I, I The lyrics are all about
Todd: something could turn into something else.
Clip: Anything can happen on dog into a cat. There may be a toad in your best guitar, or your sister could turn into a bat.
Todd: Um, but like, no, that doesn’t actually happen on Halloween. Of all the things you could list off that could happen on Halloween that I’ve never seen that. No. There could be a
Kristen: toad in your guitar. Bass guitar. What? A
Todd: toad in your bass guitar? Where did that come from?
Kristen: I’m like, listen, I like Halloween. I’ve never once seen any of these things happen on Halloween.
I think these happen on an acid trip.
Todd: It’s overselling Halloween considerably.
Craig & Kristen: Yziva is a blast!
Kristen: Yes, then he talks about the other Halloween, or the other holidays, like April Fool’s Day even, he throws in there, like, that’s a big holiday. Right.
Todd: Arbor Day. He’s also, like, like,
Craig: seriously, this is Tim.
Curry, who is amazing, just hamming it up in front of a green screen for, for all it’s worth. There’s no way that this took him more than an hour. No, no,
Kristen: especially because at some point you can actually see him like reading the words as he’s singing it. They’re just like, Hey, make up any tune. We don’t care.
I’m just seeing these words. Oh
Craig: God. Tim Curry is doing his Tim Curry thing with his voice. Wow. But on Halloween, your blood begins to run. He’s really hamming it up. He
Clip: really is. This Harry, scary, creepy Halloween. Harry. Really?
Kristen: And his mouth. I mean, that’s the thing, like Tim Curry’s mouth. All you can see is Pennywise as he’s singing parts of that.
Craig: Yeah. He’s got that lip curl thing down.
Kristen: Anywho, we kind of jumped ahead.
Craig: That’s okay though, because all that happened before that is that they found out that he was coming. And because he’s coming, they’re gonna do this, like, broomstick promenade or something or whatever.
Todd: like, um, it’s sort of like synchronized swimming for broomsticks, I guess.
Craig: Exactly, exactly. And there are tryouts for it, and Miss Hard Broom doesn’t like it. Mildred and doesn’t want her in it. But after the tryouts, one of the girls who made the team is sick or something. So Mildred gets put in. Why she has a broke, she could have chosen any girl.
Kristen: So I work in a school and every now and then you get those mean teachers who need to retire. And Ms. Hardroom is so one of those teachers because she’s like watching her fly. She’s like, Hmm, that’s pretty good. Who’s that? Oh, no, she’s like, that’s exceptional.
Kristen: Yeah. So she just doesn’t like her.
So she gives her a crappy score, but then, so it kind of tracks, she’s like, well, she could do it. She was pretty good.
Craig: Oh, right. I mean, it doesn’t
Kristen: really track because she wouldn’t ever pick her.
Craig: Exactly. Cause it doesn’t read in the movie. It doesn’t make any sense that she would pick her.
Todd: No way. She’s not the one who sabotages her.
Craig: No, it’s Ethel. Yeah. So Mildred makes it, but then Hardbroom sees that Mildred’s broom is broken because she’s crashed it before. Well, you can’t fly with a broken broom. And so Ethel holds up her hand and says, I’ll loan her my spare broom. And then Ethel goes to get the broom and I can’t find it in my notes, but she does a spell, like she talks to the broom and she’s like, listen up.
Clip: We’re going to fix Mildred Hubble. Once and for all, fire and alabaster, drummy, canaster, when I say, faster, I order, disaster.
Kristen: That’s like Ethel’s best acting as well.
Craig: Oh, it’s great. It’s fantastic. And all of the spells are like higgledy biggledy, beep beep boo. And
Todd: bippity boppity boo. At least Harry Potter kind of upgraded it and made it seem like skill was involved in learning spells. Right.
Kristen: Right. This was just like, say some rhyming words and, you know, something will happen.
Literally, Mildred’s to turn her into a pig was like, mumbo jumbo biggity boo. Like, those were the actual words. Humble
Anywho. You guys are having way too much fun. The spell on the broom. And it’s all because Mildred didn’t have a, you know, a Nimbus 2000. Hers was ugly
Craig: looking. Exactly. And so then they do, so, you know, Tim Curry shows up, like he flies in Todd, as you said, with an enormous cape, like he’s holding two brooms at the end of each arm and he comes in.
It was funny to me that you said, Oh, and then Tim Curry came in. And then when he broke into his song, because I had kind of forgotten, like he literally just shows up, says a line and then starts singing.
Todd: And then when he’s done, he leans over and does that whole Tim Curry. I’ve got to split.
Clip: I’ve got another gig.
Kristen: also didn’t understand, did he control the castle looking like a jack o lantern? Because as soon as it blew up, it wasn’t a jack o lantern anymore. Oh, I don’t know. That looked really cool. On Halloween for the Grand High Wizard is the only time these girls get to wear makeup and, like, feel sparkly and pretty.
Because I remember thinking they look so cool for that air show or whatever they were doing. They all got to put makeup and sparkles on and put, like, fake hair in. And they turned your capes to the neon green side. One of
Craig: my favorite lines in the movie is when they’re getting ready and Maude says,
Clip: Sometimes I worry about my nose.
Do you think it’ll ever get big and sexy like this one?
Craig: She puts a big warty witch nose on her face.
Kristen: I like when Mildred says, how do you kiss with a nose like
Kristen: You don’t. You don’t.
Kristen: They’re just cute.
Kristen: It was way earlier, but I like, I just like Maud because she’s like, she doesn’t care about anybody and they’re talking about hard room and she calls her HB and she’s talking about, I don’t imagine anyone kissing HB and that’s like the part when I was little that scared me and the part now as an adult where I’m like, how does she just like, appear all of a sudden because that’s when she showed up and anyone who’s seen it knows where she is.
Craig: so? That was one of the parts that they always showed in the preview. That part and Tim Curry after, so they do the like broomstick thing but, um, Ethel says faster and it makes Mildred’s broom go crazy and they all crash. All of the teachers are mortified and Tim Curry says If these are the witches of the future, I
Craig & Kristen: hate to think what the future will bring.
Craig & Kristen: are the two lines that
Craig: they always showed. Uh in the trailer, oh gosh
Kristen: Anyway, yeah, so that’s what happened. You just you just said it they do the air show But then of course ethel says faster and the broom goes crazy. So they all fall in a pile And then he leaves
Craig: so she cries on her not black cat Tabby, and like, Tabby,
Kristen: pause, pause. I cannot get through this without talking about why they felt the need to have a human voice, Tabby. Every other cat just needs to have their regular cat. This is me going, Like it’s talking, it’s communicating with . She’s like, you think so tabby? Yeah, it makes no sense. Oh my God. And it just really, I was like, why?
Why is hers the only cat that’s like, and it’s talking anyway. It’s hilarious.
Craig: So she runs away and she is. in the process of running away when she happens upon the evil witches in the forest and she overhears their dastardly plan and spies on them and eventually they smell her. There’s a stranger among us.
Kristen: It’s a little bit like a witch, like Roald Dahl’s
Craig: witches. Yes. Yes. Like they find her and she’s like, Oh, I know what I’ll do. I’ll turn them into snails. And so she stands up and reveals herself and. The evil twin is like, get her. And they’re all like, ah, coming to get you. And they’re moving like they’re 150 years old, moving towards her.
Kristen: And making like terribly annoying sounds.
Todd: Yeah. And throwing a few spells at her. Oh my
Craig & Kristen: god, there was the one The buckshot spell?
Craig & Kristen: hell? And then they do! The buckshot is exploding all around her.
Kristen: I could not get over that. They don’t have good aim.
Todd: I just figured because, you know, they were real cheap on the special effects.
They’re like, well we can make some things explode behind them. Alright, well it’ll be a buckshot spell then. Like, whose idea was that?
Craig: says Soften her up with some buckshot spells. Ew, gross. Yeah. But then she’s successful and she turns them into snails and she puts them back in their box, which is, it’s like a cigar box, but it’s labeled Acme spell company or something like that.
And she goes immediately back to school where she takes it to Miss Cackle and Miss Hardbroom. We haven’t really talked about Miss Hardbroom. She’s really mean to Mildred all the time. And at this point, like, she doesn’t even believe Mildred’s story. And she says she should be expelled. Do you guys
Kristen: like Kat Von D, like if Kat, before she had face tattoos and before she then covered up all her
Kristen: She looks just like her, I think. Who I think is a very beautiful woman, she just is interesting. But I also was desperate to try to find some things, uh, to talk about with this movie, which turns out I guess it wasn’t a problem.
But, um, she played Hedda Gabler in the movie. I saw that. Which totally tracks, I could see her playing that. Oh, she’s a Sorry, that’s for the theater nerds.
Todd: We’re talking about, we’re talking about Diana Rigg? Yeah. Yeah. She’s a Bond girl. I mean, that girl, she was a bombshell. Yeah. And in fact, she was in Game of Thrones.
Uh, she died, uh, a few years ago, but not before she was in Game of Thrones. Olenna Tyrell. I recently saw
Kristen: that too. Yeah. I haven’t watched Game of Thrones, but I saw that
Craig: Yeah. Yeah, she’s, I, I mean, she’s just a beautiful woman. She has a, like, her cheekbones, like, her bone structure is just insane, um, and she plays this really well, but she’s, like you said, Kristen, they’re really, I, I hate to admit it, but it’s true that they’re, not all teachers are good teachers, and some teachers do Target
Kristen: and they have their favorites and you know, that’s, you know, from the beginning, Ethel’s her favorite because that whole family produced the, her, the hollow family has produced another winner or whatever she says in the
Craig: So she doesn’t even believe Mildred at this point, but Ms. Cackle does. And she’s like, did the leader of the witches have a name? And Mildred’s like, yeah, somebody called her Aggie. And Ms. Cackle says, Oh, I believe her. It’s my. My wicked twin sister. And then I love the part where Miss Cackle and Miss Hardbroom talk to the snails.
Clip: Aggie, now step forward. Just look at you, Aggie. Crawling on your tummy. That’s what you get for your evil ways.
Craig: But they antagonize her a little bit and it’s funny and then they do come back and
Todd: There’s some great snail close ups by the way. Really, really fantastic. Yeah,
Kristen: they all fall out on real snails.
Todd: Yeah. To the point where I was like, I don’t need to be seeing these snails anymore. Disgusting.
Craig: Miss Cackle sends Mildred up to her room to rest and then she very scarily dominates the evil witches. Like, they shoot her from a super low level so it looks like she’s huge. And then they shoot the other witches from a super high level so it looks like they look tiny and it’s cute.
And then, Maud comes and wakes up. Mild up and says, uh, Ms. Cco wants to see you in the Great Hall or whatever.
Clip: You might want to rake a comb through your hair. .
Craig & Kristen: That’s another one of my favorite lines, even
Kristen: though, and she comes, he never has before ,
Craig: and, and she comes down and the Grand Wizard is there and he’s there
Kristen: and he has like, everyone claps when she walks in except for
Everyone claps and she’s the hero and the grand wizard gives this like really nice speech about how sometimes there are really special people and they don’t go recognized because they seem. Clumsy or, or awkward or whatever, but they really are special, whatever. And that’s nice. That’s a nice message for kids.
Clip: The best witch isn’t always the girl who comes out on top of the tests. A true witch has witchcraft in her at all times. And this is what you have, Mildred Hubble.
Kristen: But he, he acts like he’s been watching her. He’s like, I’ve been watching. I’m like, well then why didn’t you say something at the Halloween thing?
Why’d you fly off to your other gig?
Todd: Yeah, why’d you act so unimpressed and leave?
Craig: She had to prove herself. And she did. It’s a Willy Wonka
Craig: I just thought it was, uh, It was very sweet. And then he’s like, what are you going to do now that, I don’t know, you’re famous or I don’t remember. Um, it’s like, well, I really need to practice my flying.
And he’s like, would you like to practice with me? That fell is
Kristen: seething. She’s so jealous.
Craig: Yeah. And then they fly off together and they fly around the castle and they fly off into the sunset. And there’s a reprise of growing up as an easy and there’s new verses. And it’s so good.
Kristen: And they fly off into the sunset, which isn’t at all weird with her flying off with the Grand Hyatt.
Yeah, like she’s not even
Craig: flying on her broom. Like, yeah, I’m not sure how that’s
Kristen: practiced. She’s riding. She’s
Craig: just hanging on to his broom. Like not, whatever, whatever he’s got underneath his robe is what she’s hanging on
Kristen: to. Gross, you guys.
Craig: Oh, but man, seriously. Yeah, love every second of it, every second of it, and, and I understand if you’re looking at it with fresh eyes, you are going to be critical of it, and that’s fine, and I understand, and it’s totally fair, I get it, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love every second of it.
Kristen: It’s for sure a little kid, family friendly, or 80s nostalgia movie to watch at Halloween.
Todd: Yeah, if your kid can manage it, you know, if your kid can look past the, I think kids today are, they expect something a little more sophisticated and maybe they’re, they’re, uh, gonna expect something with a little better production value and they might scratch their heads at some things.
I don’t know. I don’t know. The thing is, there’s so much out there, right, that they could see. Right. Um, I wonder if they would kind of turn their nose up at something like this the minute you turn it on. I don’t know.
Kristen: For sure, I hear you and I don’t think kids would like it today. But I, I remember, I mean, it’s been several years ago now, but I made my daughter watch it with me because she loves Halloween too.
Uh huh. And she had fun with it. Even though it was, Bad. Now, if I made them watch it, they’d be like, well, that was scary. That’s just, it’s scary that you ever liked something like this,
Kristen: she enjoyed it when she was little. And I showed it to her because I think, especially as a girl too, like we can all relate to Mildred’s insecurities and her sweetness.
And so she did enjoy it when she was younger.
Todd: It’s got that clear moral message. It’s got, it’s strong. Yeah. It’s got the music in it and the silliness and the gags. And yeah,
Craig: I really think that it was probably the songs and the music that hooked us, I do really love every part of it, but I do think those songs, gosh, I mean, even though, you know, Alan’s not a big, Fan of Halloween or anything, but because I’ve been thinking about this for a week I’ve just been singing these songs and then I’ll be around him and he’ll start singing them.
He’s like goddamn it Thanks a lot Well
Todd: They’re catchy and cute and fun and honestly setting aside the anything can happen on Halloween song This song sound a little bit like Broadway songs, you know, they’re They’re very, very in that style. And so there’s no question they’re catchy. Yeah, totally. Oh, I mean, I wasn’t seeing them over and over again, but, uh, you guys have a different history.
Nobody’s going to love this movie. I think as much as you two.
Craig: No, no, I don’t think that’s true at all. No, no, I don’t think that’s true at all. Like even, you know, uh, some of our patrons have been. Messaging us like they’re excited about this. No, no, no. I don’t mean,
Todd: I don’t mean nobody does love this movie as much as you two.
I just kind of mean from now on.
Craig: Well, I’m, I’m really glad that we got to do this and I’m, I’m really glad that Kristen, you were able to join us. Yeah, well,
Kristen: it’s fun for people who like, I love Halloween. I love, love, love it and I always have since I was a kid, but I don’t, I don’t, I’m not like Craig in that. I just really love to be scared all the time and I don’t enjoy really, really scary things.
So this was fun for me as a kid because it was very Halloween, but I wasn’t going to be scared when I went to bed at night. So I think for people who love Halloween, but they don’t want like to be dreaming about zombies or like seeing people get murdered, that this can be a really, really fun thing to have every Halloween.
Todd: Yeah. It’s a definite Halloween pick for sure. Family. Well, and I think
Craig: that it would be good. Like this is something, if you are that type of person and you have young kids, like this is so safe. Like, it’s not exactly really young, like infant to four. Like while your baby is napping, you’ve got this going.
There’s music, there’s, you know, like fun things, silly things to look at.
Kristen: There’s nothing scary. Nothing. There’s nothing scary. No.
Craig: Nothing. Those of you who’ve requested it, thank you. I appreciate it. I, I swear to God that when we started doing this, it never would have even crossed my mind that we would have.
Gotten around to doing the worst, which, but, uh, it is, I mean, it’s a touchstone of my childhood and I still, I watch it not every year necessarily, but I still watch it every so often. And if you haven’t seen it. Friends. You should watch it. Like, it’s not horror, it’s not scary, but you just should just because I said so.
Kristen: Especially our older friends who can remember things from their childhood. Exactly. That they loved. Because, yes, if you have young listeners, I’m not so sure they’re going to take your word for things if you recommend.
Todd: You’re right. It’s not horror, but it’s definitely horror adjacent. It is, it is well within the kinds of things we cover on this show because we like to do these kid friendly, um, sort of, uh, I don’t even know if you’d call it gateway horror, really, but, you know, it’s fantasy more than anything else.
But, it is 100 percent intended for Halloween. That is our theme for this month is Halloween movies, and we’ve been veering this month, uh, this year, for some reason, a little bit more into the kid territory, and so, I think this falls right in line with Goosebumps and the other ones. It’s just a much, much tamer thing for the younger kids, so, yeah.
For that, I would definitely recommend it as well, if you’re interested in seeking it out, and you can, because it’s free on YouTube. It’s like, there’s three or four versions of it out there, I think, uh, varying levels of quality, so, yeah. More than anything, I enjoyed just sitting back and listening to you guys, uh, relive your childhoods and gush over it, so
Craig: of fun. Yeah, it was
Kristen: fun. I think I’m ready to hear, um, hear Todd’s Halloween voice again. You, you introduced us to your Halloween spooky voice in the intro of one of your latest episodes, so maybe your Halloween voice
Todd: Happy Halloween! for listening. Very sophisticated. I’ve been working on that for years.
Thanks for giving me an excuse to bring it out.
Kristen: Appreciate it. You’re welcome.
Todd: Well, if you’ve enjoyed this episode, please share with a friend. Like we’ve said, we’ve had some, uh, earlier films this month. We did, uh, Goosebumps, very child friendly. Please, um, stick around, subscribe to us everywhere we have our podcasts.
All you have to do is put in two guys in a chainsaw podcast and we’ll into Google, and you’ll find our Facebook page, our website, uh, any of your podcast things. Just subscribe there. Let us know what you thought of this episode, and please share it with a friend. It’s just one of the best things you can do is to help grow our audience and, uh, spread the love around.
The love of the season. And Kristen, it was lovely having you on here once again as well. It will not be the last time. No. So,
Kristen: Aw, thanks for having me. It was fun.
Todd: It’s been, it’s been great. So, until next time, I’m Todd, and I’m Craig,
Kristen: and I’m Kristen,
Todd: with Two Guys and a Chainsaw
