372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

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It’s time to announce our twentieth book, and there’s one question on everyone’s mind: will anyone be forced into a tree? Also, Mike & Conor do another round of Calibrate Your Tastes.

It’s time to start another crazy journey. We’re excited about this one! (Conor would like to state for the record that he realized about half an hour after recording this that his favorite poem is Last Thoughts on Woody Guthrie. In fact, he probably listened to it at Dartmouth while watching the WinAmp visualizer on The Slap Trip)

Assignment: The first 3 chapters

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Weeks ago, when we wandered out of the trees and mountains of the plains of Antigua and hopped on that unicorn’s back, we never could have imagined the places she’d take us. Or the sheer, unbelievable, immense number of characters we’d meet along the way.

So this, our last episode of Antigua: The Land of Fairies Wizards and Heroes is a bittersweet one. We can only hope a Head Centaur blows dust on the writing ambitions of Larry and Denise to revive them and they finish volume 2!

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“Displace one note and there would be diminishment, displace one phrase and the structure would fall.” Salieri on Mozart but it could easily have been spoken by Conor or me about the Ellis’ classic book, Antigua: The Land of Fairies Wizard and Heroes.

We won’t spoil anything but simply point out that we have a classic Real or Fanfic, some of the best Dumb Sentences EVER and an amazing letter from a listener.

For next time, like Bilbo… FINISH THE BOOK!

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Just a few of the animals mentioned in this episode’s reading: dogs, cats, cows, roosters, chickens, pigs, goats, horses, cattle, foxes, squirrel monkeys who make all kinds of noises, a TALKING GORILLA, HIS HYSTERICAL WIFE AND THEIR BABY. 

Guess, just guess which of these is by far the most interesting animal.

There is of course Real or Fanfic, a dive to the Dark Web, Dumb Sentences and some really great emails and maps from listeners, not to mention some very, ahem, interesting background concerning our authors…

READING ASSIGNMENT: Because we are reading an eBook without chapters, please read through this sentence: “The Sorceress Gwendeviere’s army of goblins, trolls and black panthers continued to advance toward the army of King Aurthorr, King Thomasson and King Arlexjandrio.” [Note: the PDF, i.e., eBook is CANON but for reference it would mean starting at Chap 12 and reading through Chap 14 in a hard copy]

Here’s a gallery of the visual aides mentioned in this ep!

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You know how when a friend says, “You have to see this video!” and then thrusts his phone in your face and stands awkwardly watching your expression as you watch a video of a guy shooting a Roman candle into his dad’s crotch and you have to pretend to think it’s funny? Well, we insist you read this book. Here – here’s the book, read it and we’ll sit here and look at you while you do. 

Seriously, it’s that bananas.

This episode may be on the long side but spend two minutes listening and you can just hear the joy in our voices as we dig into the world of sarcastic cats, and mucus that looks like snot, and princesses who are very good friends with Great Wizards, and on and on. Yes, we have Dumb Sentences and Real or Fanfic and we Steal Mail and we visit the Dark Web and a listener sends in her Fun in Balloonland mash-up, but even all that can’t express the utter insanity of this book! 

Here’s the gallery of Antigua flags that listener Stephen made.

ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Read through the point you get to this sentence: “Jonathan said, “You’re right William! The wizards do not need to know that this is an actual battle! Tonight we will finally know who the better wizard is!” The Wizard Apprentice Jonathan walked away in anger. (We’re reading the ebook that has no chapter breaks, in case you are just joining us.) 

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A jam-packed episode for which we will not apologize: there are roughly 8300 characters mentioned in this reading alone. And we barely touch on the Great Wizard Agnessa!

We’ve got fairies, fairiettes, pixies, mini-wads, Wizard Apprentices, retiring Wizards, sorceresses, man-sized spiders, holograms, spinning hats and… komodo dragons! And the mysterious, suddenly-appearing Timothy. (Don’t even get me started on Benjamin and Leonard!) 

Plus all the departments, including a tonne (for you people from Britain OR England) of Sonic Challenges.

Assignment: Read through chapter 9, it ends with this passage: ” My bad! Please, by all means continue tormenting the inhabitants of the Land of Antigua as much as you like!”

Bonus: If you have a quick half an hour you’ll appreciate the opening theme song to Lidsville 

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This book is amazing! It’s an amazing book! Conor, 40 years-old, yelled to Mike, who was made of human parts, “I can’t believe how amazing this book is!” They then both galloped over to their special sticks* and said words into them about the book!

*microphones!

Assignment: Read up until the thrilling, dramatic sentence “He then finished doing all of his chores.” This is the end of Chapter 5 in the paperback version. We will include Chapter 3, which we did not have time for this time, in the next episode.

Conor challenges Mike with a quiz (he does poorly) and then the new book is announced!

EDIT:  Well this should be interesting. The kindle (CANON) version does not have chapter breaks. We will read until Location 737, ending at the sentence “The rulers of the easternmost province were King Arlexjandrio and Queen Gwyndeth.” 

This is through Chapter 3 in the NON-CANON paperback version. Mike will weigh in on the hardcover when he gets it.

Here is Zach’s cozy parody book as mentioned in the podcast!

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Wow, there’s no way around it, we unabashedly loved the places this book went! (If you don’t agree with us please contact our solicitors, Messrs. Hutchinson and Harper.  If you find no relief and require medical assistance please get in touch with the eminent physicians Doctors Killen, Crombie and Smiley and they will cable for medicine from London [please allow six weeks for delivery]).

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Just when you thought Irene Iddesleigh was just going to be kind of old-timey funny, the type of funny that would cause Samuel Clemens to sort of let out a little laugh through his nose, it goes completely bananas off-the-rails insane!! Beheaded ancestors, murder rooms, cocoanut matte carpeting, grim gore, hair-raising escapes led by loyal maids, the firing of Rachel Hyde and Tom Hepworth, trips to Dobb’s Ferry.

Trust us, it’s deranged.

Oh, and there’s Real or Fanfic, Mail, and Dumb Sentences.

Play Erin’s Escape Probability game here.