372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

Gather round victuallers and chandlers, alike! Lacquer your fur down and join us as we dig further into the Thillow-verse. 

Can Mike get a soild D or D- in Real or Fanfic? How’s Thorn’s stand-up routine (the dark web knows)? Can Conor pronounce “magus” any better than “Ogden”? What’s the theoretical limit for a book’s chapter length? Also:

• Pop quizzes
• Mail from you listeners
• Dumb sentences
• Minor glamours are cast
• Eagles mate 

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Finally, want to force Mike to go see a Star War? Then check out a way to do it in the service of a good cause: click here

Ah, Shadow Moon… That’s a name we haven’t heard in a long time… Well, a week at least!

Join us as we continue our deep dive into the Lucas/Claremont saga “Shadow Moon”.  This section begins with a bunch of Death Dogs getting impaled, decapitated, and having various organs thrown into raging infernos. We’ll debate whether Thorn/Willow (Thillow?)’s ability to do any magic that is required of the situation cheapens the drama (it does.) And we’ll do our best to imitate what a Daikini accent might sound like. Spoiler: It sounds like a Chicago accent performed with two wildly varying levels of skill. 

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All this plus a tricky bunch of fanfic, some emails that explore some theories about whether this was actually ever supposed to be a Willow book, a listen to Maulroom absolutely crushing it at the bar on Lady’s Night, and one very special Llamacorn.

For next time, read up to page 150!

Step into the WillowVerse for our first discussion of George Lucas & Chris Claremont’s “SHADOW MOON”! Things get sexy right off the bat, and never let up (if you consider descriptions of hair that is one color but has streaks of another color in it to be sexy. We do.)

We’ll meet some of our favorite characters and quickly say goodbye to them. We’ll be beset upon by verbal jugular japery on the par of “He who smelt it dealt it.” And we’ll likely confuse Death Dogs for Devil Dogs at least a dozen times.

Special thanks to our Patreon supporters who have had access to this episode for days already. Get every episode early and get to participate in contests, giveaways, bonus eps and more. Patreon.com/372pages

Plus, a fine showing from Mike in Real or FanFic, and a surprisingly music set of interludes. For next time, Read thru chapter 2 (page 100 in the mass market paperback!)

• Cline
• Cline
• Theis
• Shatlart
• Thrash
• Pappy
• James
• Harris
• Stoker…

Who’s next? Listen and find out!

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Three hypnotizing attempts, two destroyed castles, and countless walnuts later, Lair of The White Worm comes to an end. Break out the medium-grade china and cream-jug, because this is one episode you won’t want to miss.

The 372 Pages Improv Players will attempt to fill the void when the Dark Web comes up empty, and we’ll examine how the book is actually exciting, you just need the right music to play. And does Conor have a new Ogden in his life? Plus, what the hell are the amplified dimensions of a potential breakfast?

Just try to keep all laughter quieter than your average slum beating as Mike & Conor wrap up Bram Stoker’s Bad Book, and keep an eye on the Patreon page for our review of the movie and a mailbag.

It’s our third episode discussing Bram Stoker’s “Lair of the White Worm”. If you like coherent horror stories, we apologize. But as a consolation, may we offer you dozens of sentences with upwards of seven commas in them?

We get the best of what Bram has to offer here: conversations with old men in parlors, absolute gibberish theories passed off as scientific fact, tea with attempted murderers, forest-planks, and of course, in a triumphant return, The Worm of Lambton. We are well aware of the amount of commas in that sentence.

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We’ll also inspect Adam Salton’s past to see how he came to amass such an intricate library of smells, and Mike will attempt to improve on Conor’s abysmal Real or Fanfic performance from last episode. For next time, just finish the damn book!

To say that LOTWW took an unexpected turn in this section would be a slap in the face to unexpected turns. While it appeared to be inching (worm pun) its way toward an exploration of the enormous holes that TOTALLY PROVE the existence of giant worms, most of the second quarter of the book is dedicated to Caswall’s enormous bird kite.

Does he love the kite? Feel bad about the terror it hath wrought? Who knows! Stoker’s writing is no more clear than Oolanga’s expressions of love to Lady Arabella.

Thanks as always to our Patreon supporters who have been puzzling over the Sudden Birdemic all weekend. Join them at patreon.com/372pages

We’ll also listen in on a historical conversation Stoker had, and Mike turns the tables on Conor by having him guess Real or Fanfic?

For next time read thru Chapter 23

Bram, (or is it pronounced Bram) Stoker’s Dracula followup The Lair of the White Worm, is not very good. But there’s a lot to discuss!

Adam Salton has willingly traveled halfway across the world to live with his elderly Grand-Uncle, which is frankly a clue that we’re not in for a relatable experience. But we were not prepared for just how unrelatable! We’ve got mongoose purchasing down by the docks, men who stare like hawks until a woman possibly faints, outfits made of stuff, and women who may be snakes or just smell like them. Plus a big scoop of racism on top!

Thanks to all our Patreon supporters, who get every episode early and are currently in a contest to write a worse sentence than Stoker! Join them here: patreon.com/372pages

All this plus some snippets from a rare audiobook of the unabridged version. For next time, read thru Chapter 16!