372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

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Rejoice with Conor and Mike as they read through a new book that was not written by Colleen Hoover!! This one features a pipe-smoking botanist, bathing costumes, Torgo-esque beachcombers, nosy-parkers, guys in pumps, wide-faced handsome men with mahogany faces and, of course, Pat Benson.

Assignment: Read thru Chapter 9

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Two prize winning pigs have gone missing in Idaville, and our intrepid Boy Detective suspects a brand new gang. How many gangs are operating in Idaville and how do things manage to stay relatively peaceful between them? You’d have to imagine there would be all sorts of territory disputes, not to mention horrific initiation rituals and shakedowns of local merchants for protection money.   

Nevertheless, there are pigs to be found, and Mike’s going to see if Conor can crack the case!

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Sally is once again pounding Bugs’ face into oblivion, Encyclopedia is still sucking in the gasoline fumes from his makeshift cash register, and people in Idaville are still doin’ some crimes!

Let’s see if Conor can crack the case!

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All good things must come to an end. Also, Ugly Love must come to an end, and it does, in our final episode. Does Miles end up with Ian? Does Dillion end up with Rachel? What kind of pain is Miles keeping contained? Is it exactly what you thought it was the very moment you “met” Miles? You’ll have to listen to find out. (Because you’re obviously not reading along, are you? ARE YOU?)

Link to CoHo Bingo

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We’re back to Idaville, the boy detective, Leroy Brown, replete with gangs of roving toughs, girls breaking boys jaws: you know, the usual stuff. But can Mike crack this very, very tough case?

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If you’ve stuck with us this far you must be a fan of the words “kiss” and “heart.” And of the phrase “cut my eyes” and “gripped the doorframe.” In this episode, Conor and Mike speculate like mad about the fate of Rachel, Clayton, Dillon, Lisa, Paige Donahue, and of course, Gary.

Does Mike continue his insane, career-topping totals at Real or Fanfic? You’ll have to listen.

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the book!

Ugly Love merch gallery

Support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode a week early, plus access to the 280 Mysteries archive, plus fun stuff like the Choose Your Own Adventure live stream we did last month! patreon.com/372pages

To be clear, Dillon is terrible. BUT he’s the least like a cardboard cutout of all these dumbasses (which is not high praise, but there it is.)

If you are craving plot, please look elsewhere. All we know is that Mike’s middle name is nearly revealed, but Conor’s love for all things Marx Brothers is shouted from the rooftops. Real or Fanfic is conquered, Dumb Sentences are reviewed, and after all is said and done, Miles gets no more interesting.

READING ASSIGNMENT: Read through Chapter 30

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There’s no bunnies or smoking jackets, but there is a frightened playboy. Let’s see if Mike can solve the case!

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Look, Cap is a ghost. Or a specter. Or a haint, or something old-timey, and Tater is clearly either dead or in another realm (full disclosure: that is Mike’s guess. Conor has other theories) but no matter what realm we’re in, this much does not change: Miles is a dumb ass. And he likes kissing. Tasting and kissing. But mostly kissing.

Does Mike do well at Real or Fanfic? Well, we wish we could center justify this text as a clue, but Patreon doesn’t allow it. I think the larger point is that he likes orange juice.

READING ASSIGNMENT: Please. Read. Through. Chapter 22.

Support the podcast on Patreon, where you get access to the complete 280 archive, every episode a week early, and other fun stuff! https://patreon.com/372pages

Join us once again in Batshitcrazytown, USA, aka Idaville, where Encyclopedia Brown is attempting to solve a case that initially appears to be an attempted murder, but fortunately only ends up beating a savage beating during a home invasion. How many rich people live in Idaville and just how rich are they? Maybe we’ll find out more in this episode, which features one of Donald J Sobal’s most excrutiating ‘solutions’ thus far.