Lesley Logan interviews Matt Gerlach about overcoming generational trauma and perfectionism. Discover how setting boundaries and self-compassion transformed his life. Gain practical insights on setting goals, managing anxiety, and embracing vulnerability. Listen now for an inspiring conversation that will help you on your own healing journey!

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In this episode you will learn about:

• How Matt overcame panic attacks and depression.
• Understand the quick payoff from setting boundaries.
• Matt's transformation through healing childhood trauma.
• The benefits of couples therapy in growing together.
• How Matt shifted from anxiety to self-love and acceptance.
• Overcome perfectionism and how to embrace imperfection.

Episode References/Links:

• Matt Gerlach on Instagram
• Matt Gerlach Website
• 6-Step Guide to Creating Your Dream Life with Matt Gerlach
• Matt Gerlach's Podcast
• You're a Badass by Jen Sincero
• Barrels Deck Flashcards

Guest Bio:

Matt is more than just an entrepreneur and author—he's a conqueror of challenges, a beacon of personal transformation. With unwavering belief in the inherent wisdom within each of us, he guides his clients to unearth their inner strength and conquer the barriers blocking their path to success. Matt’s scaled his consulting business to generate an impressive $1M in annual revenue, and he works one-on-one with men who grapple with self-doubt, illuminating the truth that there's nothing inherently flawed within them and empowers them to embrace their true selves, enabling them to pursue their passions and aspirations with confidence and purpose.

 

 

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Resources:

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Episode Transcript:

Matt Gerlach 0:00  

There's never a destination where we're perfect. You're opening up about it as you're talking, you're getting feedback along the way. And you're also at the same time, learning to love yourself. The more compassion you are giving to yourself, the more you let others give you compassion. And like right now I would say that the biggest thing that I've done is I've learned to love myself and accept myself and that nothing's wrong with me.

Lesley Logan 0:27  

Welcome to the Be It Till You See It podcast where we talk about taking messy action, knowing that perfect is boring. I'm Lesley Logan, Pilates instructor and fitness business coach. I've trained thousands of people around the world and the number one thing I see stopping people from achieving anything is self-doubt. My friends, action brings clarity and it's the antidote to fear. Each week, my guest will bring bold, executable, intrinsic and targeted steps that you can use to put yourself first and Be It Till You See It. It's a practice, not a perfect. Let's get started.

 

Lesley Logan 1:09  

All right, Be It babe. This is a great one. I mean, they're all great. But this one is a dear friend. Got to know him so much more on today's pod. But I had the pleasure of meeting him in person, you'll hear that story in a moment. This is vulnerable. My perfectionists, ooh, this one's for you. And also just if you feel like you are just trying to keep it all together. There's a lot to work on. And Matt has a beautiful story. And he is doing great work on this planet. And he's a great example of like, being able to do work on yourself and then give that and take that and to help others. And so I love the work that he's doing on this planet love how he's helping people. And so I can't wait for you to hear how he can help you. Here's Matt Gerlach. 

Lesley Logan 1:49  

All right, Be It babe. I'm super excited. Today, we have another guest where I got to meet this person in real life. And we were in this room of 70. I think it was like 70 people. And to be completely honest, I couldn't hear half the people's what they're saying. Because there's just it's a lot if you have two minutes, like to introduce yourself. But this person stood up and their story totally stood out. And so when they reached out to me on the pod, I was like, yeah, because I do remember you and I remember your story. So Matt Gerlach, can you tell everyone who you are and what you rock at?

Matt Gerlach 2:19  

Sure. Thanks for having me. And thank you for that nice warm introduction. I really appreciate it. Um, yeah, so I would love to share my story. About eight years ago, I had just started a business. I was living in New York in Manhattan with my partner, we've been together for now 12 years, and I started having panic attacks. My blood pressure was diagnosed as high, I was going to the doctor trying to figure out what was going on and I found all of these health problems. And I, at the time, was convinced that something was wrong with my health and I continued to figure out what was going on. I went to the hospital a couple of times, thinking I was dying from this, it sounds crazy to say right now but like back then I didn't know mental health was a real thing. I would fundamentally did not know that. I thought that your emotions were no reason to, like I just didn't think that anything emotional could debilitate a person like they were me. And I found out that what I was going through was anxiety and depression. And it sent me on a healing journey where I went back and reprocessed my childhood, my life. I was 30, 32 years old at the time and I don't think I knew anything about myself. I had just been hiding from myself hiding dissatisfactions and just being grateful for what I had and I went back and I completely healed. I mean, I.

Lesley Logan 3:48  

I thought you were gonna say I was completely realizing I shouldn't have been grateful for all of that. I was, it was actually really tough.

Matt Gerlach 3:55  

You know? Well, you know what I said the other day that really like just I was surprised this came out, I said, "Being grateful and desiring more are not mutually exclusive." I think it's really important (inaudible). Thanks. I think it's important that we are grateful you know, I mean, it's a big part of my life. I wake up every morning, before I get into bed I think what I'm grateful for but I can also want to feel better. Yeah, so I went back through a whole healing journey I unearth what my childhood was like for me. There was a lot of trauma that happened and went back and went through it and I'm a whole different person now. I'm careful when I say this because I don't want to say that like anxiety goes away forever, per se. But I do not feel anxious or depressed at all. And I do feel a part of that because I'll be able to handle what comes my way. 

Lesley Logan 4:46  

You know, I want to like highlight I think a lot of people listening I feel like you're on the, you're on the younger end of like a millennial, so but I do think that like the millennial, Gen X, you know, and even older, of course, you should be happy for what you have. And you should just move on and you're having, everyone has a bad day, f* up, keep going. And like you, we were trained to ignore how we felt. And that can go only so far. And that you can make it to 32. Doing that is quite an achievement. Because I think a lot of people, they don't and so, and so, and also, I would say, I probably would guess, so many people would see your life on the outside and go, it would be so easy and you have it so great and like how are you having an anxiety attack? You've done so much. So can you tell us a little about like the life you were living? Were you, as an entrepreneur, were you, was your company doing really great or was the anxiety because the company wasn't doing great? What was kind of going on?

Matt Gerlach 5:48  

Yeah, and you just said that. That's exactly the kind of people that I worked with now, it's people whose life look great on the outside, and they feel horrible on the inside. And that was exactly what it was. Honestly, I was thinner, because I wasn't I mean, I was like the thinnest I'd ever been, like, I wasn't eating properly. And my skin looked good. I guess I was drinking a lot of water still. But yeah, I mean, I looked fine on the outside and at the time, so I've always been successful in life, I've moved to New York. And I, you know, it's true. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. I kind of amazed myself by navigating myself up the career ladder, and I wound up in baby product sales. I know. It's sort of like cool industry, but it just like, random that I fell into this. And I was just laid off of a job. And I thought, I still think I was okay about that kind of because I did always say well, I made good money. And like that wasn't a financial huge blow. And I knew it was happening. So I started taking on clients before this, but I started a consulting business. And what happened was, like, I wasn't used to saying no to things. I wasn't used to, like I didn't know how to set boundaries. And that was the big reason that the anxiety and depression started. Like, I started feeling this way it was because I was just being pulled in a million different directions. I was afraid to ask for what I was worth. I mean, I was working with these, these small, medium-sized baby product brands, literally changing their lives by treating these businesses as if they were my own, like on planes literally, like sometimes two, three times a week. And I just could not say no. And I was feeling agitated. I mean, beyond agitated, I was angry about some of the things that I was asked to do, some of the mistakes that were happening that were just like left for me to figure out. And at the time, I mean, I look back to what I was charging, like I wouldn't touch anything for like what I (inaudible). But also like, there's no resentment either, like this was me. And like I had to learn to set boundaries. And that was really, I mean, if I wouldn't have started this business, I believe that like big life changes, big opportunity, like big growth steps, having a child you know, things like this to kind of force you to, to grow, if I wouldn't have had this, I might have just skated just north of rock bottom my whole life. And that's really where I was at. I was smoking cigarettes all the time. I was drinking all the time. And I mean, not like drinking during the day. But like, my life was, I mean, sometimes it was I lived in New York, we went to lunch, but like, yeah, like I wasn't living a very healthy life.

Lesley Logan 8:27  

I want to highlight like, first of all, when we don't have boundaries in place, we eventually will resent people, but it's actually not their fault, it's our fault because we did not have boundaries in the first place. So I think like, it's not that it's okay to like resent things. It's like using resentment as a highlighting tool of like, here's, here's where I've been failing myself, you know. And also, I also want to highlight, you said, like, if I didn't have these things, I would have just skated by above rock bottom. And like, so many of us have been at rock bottom for so long that it feels normal. And just because it's normal, doesn't mean it's okay. And so you, so you talked about, like, you know, going back and like, being introspective and like learning about yourself, what was that like, and you did this while having a partner and I think a lot of our listeners can relate to like, you know, having to do some self-work, but also having someone there. So you're going through and changing things about yourself, but then you also have a partner there, like, how did that go?

Matt Gerlach 9:25  

I think that I mean, thank you for acknowledging that. And, you know, we've been together for 12 years, like, this is my longest relationship. I mean, we're, we're, we're hopefully going to be together forever. That's the plan. And, yeah, I mean, I don't know that everyone's capable of that. Like, I think that there's some relationships, whether they be romantic or just friendships where if one person is growing and the other is not like, I don't see how those work out, and I think that like that is a big source of anxiety. There were changes that I had to make in my life. I think anxiety at its most simplest form, it's like your inside is telling you something, and your outside environment is not what you need. I think that's a very simplified version of it. And I think there are definitely degrees of this. And I want to be very clear that I do not think it's very possible to get through this without some sort of help. So I'm not oversimplifying this whatsoever, but yeah, I was very fortunate. My partner was willing to grow with me. We went to couples therapy. That was a big part of our relationship and I don't exactly know how people go without it. We haven't been in a while and I don't think we won't go back one day, but it's really set us up for massive success. She said to us when we were graduating from going out so frequently, and we still went for check-ins here and there, but she said, the two of you have changed your dance. And it's one of the nicest compliments I've ever had because we have, you know what I mean? But um, you know, during this time, I mean, I would say, I'm a very vulnerable person, I've always been very vulnerable. And as I was understanding that I had emotions and feelings, I was able to share those with the close people around me. So I was letting him into what was going on the best I could. I grew up, my grandmother was a really lovely person to me, but she was a martyr, she was a very big martyr. So I always kind of had that example of like, I saw how that affected my family, you know, having someone like that. So I'd like to think that I tried and succeeded pretty well at not blaming him and not dumping things on him. And I took accountability for, you know, the feelings that I had. And the vulnerability. I mean.

Lesley Logan 11:40  

Yeah, I think that's so key. And I love that you shared twice you said like you, even though we can simplify what anxiety is, and it's sometimes easy to understand, that doesn't mean you don't need help to get it. I think it's really important to getting outside help because when you're in your life can be really hard. And I think it's so cool that your partner wanted to also go through therapy with you, because that way you guys can evolve together. That is and also like a shout-out to that therapist, because so many therapists you don't ever graduate and like you should. So I think that's really cool doesn't mean you don't go back, but you should like there should be a place. It's like if you went to college, and they never let you get out, that would be wrong. Like you have to graduate at some point. Right? You might go back to school, but, so tell me, you know, that was it. That's a journey. And we can we can keep diving back into that. But what did that lead you to doing? Because you were like smoking cigarettes every day and like doing this high, high stress consulting work, like, what did that change? How did that change the trajectory of what you're doing now?

Matt Gerlach 12:43  

I mean, it's a very slow change. I mean, like, you know, I mean, I, I love the way you asked that question too, because like, it's making me think about this, like, it is a process like, you know, and I would say that, like, it's not a linear at all, but I would say at its most simplest form is you are opening up, you're trying to open up, you're getting help opening up, you're learning that your feelings are okay to have, you're getting validation for them, you're asking questions about them, you're, it's hard, but you're being more vulnerable, you're telling, you know, you're admitting things about your life, like using the cigarette example that I don't want to be doing. And at the same time, you're learning how to be kind with yourself, like, I am not perfect. And one of the big parts, like I can really like, use this as an example. I've been writing a book for the past three and a half years through this whole healing journey. And it's been so helpful for me. And it took me like, two years of working with the coach weekly, to really get to a point where I felt good enough to share this with the world to understand that like, there's never a destination where we're perfect. You're opening up about that, as you're talking, you're getting the feedback along the way. And you're also at the same time learning to love yourself, the more compassion you are giving to yourself, the more you let others give you compassion. And like right now, I would say that the biggest thing that I've done is I've learned to love myself and accept myself and that nothing's wrong with me. And it's just a process and it takes time. But I think this is true. I think it's like, there is a pretty quick payoff to setting boundaries. There is a pretty quick payoff to making these changes, you know, using the cigarettes, you don't smoke cigarettes for a week, you're breathing better, you know, you go to the gym, you feel you know, you're feeling better. You set a boundary, you don't have negative energy in your life. And I think we kind of overestimate like, this isn't like you're putting in hard work for a year before you start feeling better.

Lesley Logan 14:50  

Right. Like it's not like when you write the book, you don't celebrate until it's published and it's a bestseller. Like there's little payoffs and you just basically summed up, like, this is why we have FYFs guys, the episode where I share your wins because you can go well I quit cigarettes a week ago, and I'm already breathing better. Like, you don't have to say like you don't have to wait to quit cigarettes a year to celebrate that you can actually start to notice payoffs. And I think how cool of you to kind of acknowledge the different payoffs you're having along the way from the changes you were making. But I also feel like in those two and a half years that you've so far three and a half years, you've been writing your book, I feel like this is a be it till you see it moment that you're in right now. Like, you're, like, to do everything here and become an author and is your book something we all can read? What are we, what are we like, what's the future book about?

Matt Gerlach 15:37  

Oh, my gosh, writing a book is, it's, um, it is a journey. But like, I'm not complaining about it. For me, it's probably been like the biggest healing. It's the biggest part of my healing journey, because it's been really introspecting. I have been writing down my life story as I remembered it. I had a writing coach, that was a little almost, I don't say more of a therapist, but a therapist along the way, too, like helping me understand this story and what had happened and so it's, it's kind of like, I spent like two years of this, like, kind of purging information, making sense of this, like taking what I'm understanding from writing to my therapist, to coaches and talking about it, even with friends. Hey, like, I remember this about my childhood. Did that happen to you? No, no, no that didn't happen. Like that's, that's next level, like, you know, you deserve some compassion for that. So it was a process. And so now, I have like, 2000 pages written, which is way, way, way too, way too much. But it's kind of like, what is the exact story that I wanted to tell. So I'm at the final, like, the stages of like, really putting it together. And yeah, I mean, this is supposed to help people who are just like me, who looked fine on the outside and underneath, there was, there was trauma, there were things that needed to be surfaced. And by doing so, the freedom that has come from this, I mean, my business like, I'm not saying this to brag, but I went off to make, my business turned into a million-dollar-a-year paycheck for me. And that wasn't from like somebody handing it to me, it was for me learning how to set boundaries, advocate for my worth, and really being able to come to the table and negotiate like, what I am worth relative to what I'm bringing value to the business for. So I couldn't have done that if I was still scared of my own shadow, which I was.

Lesley Logan 17:30  

That is a cool story of like, what can happen when you're so clear on your worth. And we can't get clear on our worth just because we like do a mantra, I am worthy every day. Like, you can say that and you can hear it. But the brain doesn't like dissonance. And if you had trauma in your life that made you feel unworthy your whole life, and especially when you're, the brain is forming, you know, like that. You can be told you're worthy, and you won't believe it until you deal with that trauma. 

Matt Gerlach 18:00  

The thing is, I mean, most people benefit from you having low self-worth, like the people that write your paycheck, generally benefit from you having lower self-worth, the person that is above I mean, pretty much everyone at work. I mean, shit rolls downhill, like, the person with the lowest self-worth is the one who is getting, like who's working the most and getting paid the last. You know, and this is true in relationships too. Like I'm not, I don't, if you're in an abusive relationship or with somebody who's a narcissist or something, they are benefiting from you having low self-worth, and not holding them accountable for being kind to you. And it just sucks it's a rotten race and, you know, I'm gay and like growing up like with the adversity I grew up with, like anyone who's in the marginalized category is at a huge deficit in the self-worth department. I mean, it's, it's really something that needs to be nurtured. 

Lesley Logan 18:52  

It's quite a problem in our society. Yeah, it, yes, it's an understatement. It can be disheartening when you're, when you're someone on the other side who wants to love though everyone who is marginalized and you can see that there, everyone in their life can even love them. But if one person doesn't it can also just ruin all of it. So Matt, you, 200 pages, I don't even know how you'll edit that down, but I'm excited for you and I can't, you have to let us know when the book is out. What are you excited about right now? I mean, aside from the book, like what is your mission? What are you being it till you see in this moment?

Matt Gerlach 19:30  

So I am working with one-on-one clients now and helping them overcome what I've overcome. It's really, I'm being called to work in a more purpose-driven line of work working with men in particular, who, who they look fine on the outside, but they know on the inside something is missing. They're not feeling fulfilled. They're high. They're generally a high-performing person. They've, they're responsible people and something's holding them back. I believe we all have some sort of traumatic situation in our past and a reason that I say that is because there's a doctor named Dr. Gabor Maté, who talks a lot about this. There's little T trauma, there's big T trauma. I think a lot of us don't argue the fact that big T trauma, things like violent crime are traumatizing. But multi-trauma would be your, you know, you grew up and your uncle said to put your food down, because you shouldn't be eating anymore. And you made a meaning about that. And that stayed with you your whole life. You know, I mean, there's, there's something stuck that's making us feel unfulfilled, and I'm helping my clients work through that. And it's been really exciting. And I'm leaving the baby product industry, slowly, but I'm building my client business and looking to build a community around this.

Lesley Logan 20:47  

Oh, thank you for being so sharing of that, because I do think a lot of people will hear someone like your story, and they'll go oh, and he just switched and he just got out of that. And now he's doing this. It's like, no, you have sometimes you have, you have a side hustle that's going to be your future dream. And it's okay to allow it to take form and shape. And be that until it's time for it to take over and for you to leave the baby product thing. I think that's also hilarious. You do look like a Gerber Baby. I'm just gonna say, if y'all are not watching this on YouTube, you should he's so cute. So, but also, yes, Dr. Gabor Maté, we'll have to talk about there's a friend I want you to know after about this on the show, but little T trauma and big T and I think a lot of times people who haven't had big T trauma, discount the little T trauma that and they just feel it wasn't that bad for me. And you know, as you said that, like, there's my husband and I were listening to this self-help guy. And I was sent in places on funk. And I was like, yeah know, I don't even know what like the little less it looks like. And Brad goes, oh, I do. And I was like, tell me more. You didn't know me. Right? And he was like, he told a story that I had told him at some point when I was when I was 11 years old. And he's like, that is not normal. And I was like, that's not normal? And he's like, not normal. Not normal at all. Very much not normal. And no wonder you have like hyper-vigilance. And I was like, oh, I just thought like, sweat you had to do like, you know, and you're like you don't, so sometimes we don't even give ourselves the actual permission to just go that thing that happened to me wasn't awesome. And y'all can't put it in a room and close the door. Like, like, I love how people like to say they can compartmentalize really well, the closet will explode. Like it's going to come out. You know, so what do you have? Do you have any, like suggestions or tips for people who may not be able to like reconcile, like, to understand that it's okay for them to acknowledge they have little T trauma and that they don't have to just go well, my life's fine on the outside. So I should just be happy. 

Matt Gerlach 22:57  

Yeah, I mean, like, I wish there was some just like magic bullet for this. But like, what's helped me more than anything. It's like learning from other people's stories. I became a huge reader while I was going through this, this healing journey. But I mean, it's podcast, too. Like, there's movies, I mean, even like, entertaining movies, like, you start to like, see, see these people like and hear other people's stories and like, learn how they're telling about their lives and how things have affected them. And you, it's really helped me along the way, like, open up to things in my life that weren't that bad. And realize that they had held me back so dramatically. And it's funny, you mentioned your story. Like I just started back at therapy recently, I've taken a break, I graduated for a while, and I wanted to go back. And I was telling him, you know about some parts of my childhood. And he was like, that sounds horrible, Matt. And it was interesting. Like, I mean, I, I'm still stewing on this right now, you know, because it's just like, it's hard to hear that. But then it's like, I mean, he's not the first person that said that to me, either. You know, like you said, and I think that like, the more that we're open to learning, it's an open to learning, I say, by reading other people's stories, but when you start becoming open to like, hearing that feedback, it's there for you, you know, I never was willing to talk about this stuff. And then like you said, it's like when you tell a friend a partner, hey, like, you know, I'm just making this up. You know, this didn't happen to me, but I'm just using it. Like, you know, my dad used to throw things across the living room every night. Like, when you tell somebody that and they're open to the feedback, you're gonna learn that that isn't normal. 

Lesley Logan 24:36  

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and it's interesting like it feels you can feel so seen when someone says that and so it's, you know, it's a what a great comeback rather than I'm so sorry, because I really hate saying I'm so sorry that happened to you because I am sorry, but then what a lot of people say they say it's okay. And it's not okay like we have we been trained that when someone says I'm sorry, you say it's okay. And that's actually not true. Someone can be sorry. And it still can be not okay. But also like to say like that, that sounds that is horrible. That sounds really horrible. It's acknowledging, like, that did suck, like, that sucks, you know, somebody told me something the other day in a coaching call, I'm like, girl that sucks. So you are allowed to sit here and you're allowed to be upset right now, because that actually sucks. And we're so used to, oh, I just need to pick myself up, dust myself off, and move on and not, and not experience it. But the other thing is, and I actually thank you for sharing that your back in therapy. Just because you did therapy on it once before doesn't mean that like new level, get a new devil and a new perspective on oh, I actually that part that thing I hadn't actually dealt with all the way. You know, it happens or like we, we get back into old habits of doing things and so you know, something's just come back I just really want another look, another attention, another, another possibility at it. When you work with people, I know you mentioned men, what is your favorite thing to work with them on? Is there an age you'd like to work with? Like, what are people that your desire, like you desire to support look like?

Matt Gerlach 26:12  

Yeah. So the men that I work with are generally in the, in between 35 and 50 years old, somewhere in that point, but I mean, I hate to even pigeonhole someone by age, because you could be 70 years old and waking up and really want to get some help with this. And I think the mission, I wanted to share this earlier, the mission is really important to me. And you said this earlier, and I wanted to comment, but it's that this trauma, like left unhealed isn't going anywhere. Well, I mean, it is going somewhere, it's being passed on to your loved ones. And I think that we're in a time right now where the word generational trauma is becoming a lot more prevalent, where we are all starting to see what happens when this trauma is left on healed. And my mission is to help it stop from being passed on. And I'm the person in my family who has broken the cycle, and is really put in this amount of significant work through healing and breaking the cycle. And it's, I mean, it's, it's absolutely changed just, I see it myself, the way I react to things that happen, like I don't really get, I mean, sure, like I not always smiling, but like, I don't get to that level of anger. And like I don't play the victim. I mean, like you just learn to roll with things. And I'm excited to be a parent for that, like, probably for that reason. Because I know that I've put in this work, and I'm going to be able to be a good one.

Lesley Logan 27:36  

Oh my gosh, people like you and your husband should, or your partner, excuse me, should absolutely be parents, like the people who've done work should be parents.

Matt Gerlach 27:46  

But yeah, I mean, so really, like when I'm working with my clients, it's really like, I wish that like there was a bigger secret here. But a lot of it's around goal setting. But when you're traumatized, it takes work to get my clients to a place where they learn to articulate their goals and be able to give themselves permission for them. But everything is figureoutable as we know. And we do a lot of work to get the goals out to understand like what those limiting beliefs are. And we put a plan together and like when we're putting the plan together, it's there's time to negotiate, you know, like, you want to make a million dollars a year, but you know, you know that it's gonna take this amount of sacrifice, okay, let's do something less difficult, you know, but it's really being able to take control over your life and realize that you have agency in building the life that you want and making changes but like this, there's there's three fundamental principles that I really reinforced with my clients. And that is perfectionism, let go of it. And it's so hard. It's one of the hardest things that I've had to learn to let go of. 

Lesley Logan 28:50  

Oh, my God, I want, let's not forget the other two. But I just want to like my listeners, right now. Did you hear that? Because we are, I always say I am a recovering perfectionist. I've never, I don't think I'll ever be recovered. Because I feel like that's very perfectionist to think that you could be recovered. But I, my perfectionism last year, it snuck in, in the form of certainty, which some I was like, if I was listening to someone, they had no idea, but they're like, yes, certainty is just perfection in disguise. And I was like, oh, I see. It just snuck on in there. It came in at a different in a different hat. But like so perfectionism is so hard. We are right, we have to let go because it's holding us all back. And maybe, you know, more research to me, but I feel like there's a lot of perfectionists in the world because of how they were raised. If I just do these things, right, if I just don't make too much noise, if I just get perfect grades, then everything will be fine at home. And that just so you know, it wouldn't have been like that is not that's actually not the grades you got and like you being too loud as it's all those things, none of that would have changed anything saying, you know, so but it's so hard because you're raised, so even subconscious, like, if I just do it like this, if I'm just this perfect little person, then it will it won't, this bad stuff will stop happening. Anyways, you have two more things. I just had to highlight that because I have so many listeners who just struggle with this.

Matt Gerlach 30:15  

I mean, I appreciate you stopping on this and I'm going to take a tiny step further on this perfectionism has honestly been the hardest thing in my life to overcome. And it was because I couldn't see it. Like, I literally remember growing up and my mom and my dad telling me you're so hard on yourself. And then my friends like up until I mean, probably the past two years. I'm 40. So literally the first 38 years of my life, I could not like get a handle on this because I didn't know any different. Like you mean that if you slip up in a podcast interview, you just berate yourself all night for that, like. 

Lesley Logan 30:49  

Don't worry. 

Matt Gerlach 30:51  

I mean, literally, like that's the level of like, of harshness, I was to myself, it was horrible. And I mean, I've saved well, I've done well in my life financially, but like, my biggest regret would be that I wish I enjoyed life a little bit more. On that same hand, you mean you just don't save 90% of like, what you have to spare. I mean, you like, this is all this perfectionism and like you said, it's like when you're a child, you try to control what you control. I mean, and again, I I'm not an expert in this, but it's like why people cut, you know, like, they want to control that pain. And it's a big, big, big topic.

Lesley Logan 31:25  

Yes, we there are so many more experts we could have on this actually, some of you listeners just came to my mind when you, Matt, when you said like, you'll just berate yourself all night long. So many people are like so hard on themselves—I should be further by now, I should have done this by now—that is all just like that is all distraction. And that harshness is keeping you from being able to goal-set because you can't goal-set if you can't set realistic goals that you can, not realistic that you like, they're so easy you can achieve them tomorrow, but like, they should stretch you and also you're allowed to want to be able to do them and then you're allowed to reach for them and not put like, I'm going to do this in five years. It's like, well, you can but also like, why put something on yourself that you're going to miss and then you just berate yourself anyways, you know, like we've got there's got to be a balance. Anyways, you have two more things. 

Matt Gerlach 32:12  

Yeah. So the second one would be forgiveness, this is of yourself and others. And it's honestly still (inaudible).

Lesley Logan 32:18  

Raise your hand, everyone who's listening if you're a perfectionist, and can forgive yourself. 

Matt Gerlach 32:26  

I mean, it really is tied to the perfectionism thing. And I think like, I mean, I think forgiving of others, for me has always been significantly easier than forgiving myself. But I mean, I will tell you like, I mean, I'm not perfect in life. I mean, I just turned 40 a year ago, and like when I'm not eating as well as what I mean, like I'm doing this to myself. My partner's starting a cookie business right now I'm eating cookies literally every single day. And just to be clear, just like two or three, I mean, (inaudible), but like, like, I'm able to be kind to myself about this, you know, I mean, and I thought that I couldn't, I didn't think I deserve airtime until I learned to forgive myself and learn that I wasn't perfect. I feel better when I take care of myself. And I'm just not doing it always perfectly. And I log this when I look back to like, how much better I take care of myself than a year ago. Oh, my god it is so much better but it's not perfect.

Lesley Logan 33:19  

Yeah, but I love that forgiving yourself. It's so we have to, we have to because that's when we can learn from it. You're not going to learn from it in who you want to be and how you want to change things if you don't. Yeah. Number three, what's the third thing? 

Matt Gerlach 33:36  

Faith and hope, trust that things work out the way that they're supposed to on some levels. You know, I mean, you just like it's funny, because at the beginning of this year, I happen to pick up the book You're a Badass. 

Lesley Logan 33:50  

Oh, yeah. Jen Sincero

. Yeah.

Matt Gerlach 33:52  

Yeah. And I just like I actually had it in my closet for like, five years, I never read it, I picked it up and I just, things happen at the right time, your very example, things happen how they're supposed to. And this book just like really, like set me up like for the year in a great way. But it said something like just so eloquent about like, faith and hope and a higher power. Like you have to have it. You're only going to get so far in life without it. Yeah. And I have seen this, like, I'm a living testament of this the past like four months. I just like I'm accomplishing things that I've never thought I'd be able to. I do the best I could do and learn that I can't control the outcome. And when things happen, they happen. I mean, and it's allowing me to have a lot more creative freedom and to move forward with things knowing that I, like my partner and I live in L.A., we have a nice house, you know, things financially don't work out quite the way. I mean, we might not be able to live here always like and I just hope that it's gonna work out and faith that if it doesn't, then we have to move somewhere smaller that we're supposed to move somewhere smaller, and it's just like, really.

Lesley Logan 34:56  

Believing that you can like yeah, no, do you know that I heard something like faith and fear are the exact same thing. If you are living in fear, you are actually living in faith. It's just a faith of, its faith that you wouldn't want to actually admit. Like, if you fear something, you actually are believing that that thing could happen, which is the same thing as having faith in something that could happen that you want to happen. And so yeah, so if you're someone who has fear in your life, you are actually a good faith person who's gonna turn the flashlight around.

Matt Gerlach 35:25  

Exactly. It's all energy going somewhere. So if you're, if you're spending energy, in your mind thinking about something, then it will be something positive. 

Lesley Logan 35:36  

Yeah. Oh, my gosh, Matt, we could talk forever. We're gonna take a brief break. Find out how people can find you, follow you, or work with you. 

Lesley Logan 35:42  

So Matt, where can people go to work with you get to know you more, get on your waitlist for your future book, like what do you have for us?

Matt Gerlach 35:50  

Awesome. Yeah, I would love for you to check out my website, mattgerlach.com, the link will be in the show notes. But you can schedule a free 30-minute phone call, learn if my one-on-one mentorship would be a fit for you. No pressure, I am very interested in just talking to anybody who thinks that I might be able to help them get out of their place of feeling stuck and into a place of more fulfillment and alignment. Schedule a free 30-minute call. Like I said, I'm very active on Instagram. My handle is iammattgerlach and that'll be in the show notes as well. But we'd love to hear from you and more to come on the book. It's, this has been one of the things I mean, and I think it's taught me like, it's been like, just like a, like such a good lesson in patience. You can't control much around a book, you know, especially your first one. So I'm just am cool as a cucumber about it hoping like a 2025 release but it's a process.

Lesley Logan 36:42  

I bet you it will happen. I bet you between, between your work you've done with yourself on perfectionism and your drive to help people. You know, it'll happen. Yeah.

Matt Gerlach 36:53  

Well, you know what it is? I mean, it's like, and this is interesting. Like, I mean, I wasn't an artist, like I would have literally like, told you like, I don't have an artistic creative bone in my body, like five years ago. And so to now be here doing this and like to show that you can learn this, like, I mean, I, I'm an artist, now look at me, you know. So there's, but there's been a learning curve, you know, I mean, you it's been, it's been quite an interesting place to be like tackling so many things that I just was not good at and had to learn how to get good at it. But it's possible. 

Lesley Logan 37:23  

Oh my god, I love your vulnerability. I love your honesty. Like, it's so refreshing and also needed. I know that people listening are in the same boat. Like, why isn't I haven't done this thing yet. I haven't made this thing happen. Or I'm you know, and it's like, patience. And also like, wow, look what you've done in that amount of time. You know, like, it's, yeah. And also, just so you all know any overnight success you think it's not they're not overnight, it's like 15 years of work. And then you finally stumble upon them like, wow, this person is like they've made it.

Matt Gerlach 37:58  

(Inaudible) interesting like, lately, like, I've like realize this like and I've seen this and this has been part of the healing and part of what I help my clients with. It's like I ask myself now do you really want to be at that destination is like what's at that destination? And I don't really want to be at the destination. I want to be able to pay my bills and stuff while I'm on the journey, you know? This destination is, this is the destination right now. It's putting in the work and living life. Sorry, you're off there but I wanted to give you credit.

Lesley Logan 38:26  

No, I think that's really beautiful. And you've had several people who listen or write a book and they're like, I thought it would just like, take off. And it's like, no, no, you actually get to just keep working on it. But now it's printed. And now like, we have flashcards, you guys, and like we, I'm like okay, I guess I wrote all the, I wrote all the copy, it's done. And we're like doing the photo shoot. And during the photo shoot, I created two more cards. So it's not done, I get to go do it. And then once it's printed, it's, it's, that's done. But now I have to just because I built it doesn't mean someone's Googling for that product, I have to actually talk about it. So it is really important to like be very clear about what is the destination and like so what's the most important thing right now the important thing right now is the work you're doing to create it and then when it is created you the next important thing will be what you're doing so I just love your patience. I just got a lesson in it. So thank you so much. Really quick before I let you go, you've given us so much but, Be It Action Items—bold, executable, intrinsic targeted steps to be it till you see it. What do you have for us? 

Matt Gerlach 39:31  

Wow, I think the best way I can answer this question is that you could keep going. You need to stay on the journey and celebrate the small wins along the way. This perfectionism thing is a real thing. And once you can even make the smallest little dent in that, you will see so much freedom happen to keep going. I mean, I feel like I have only penetrated 10% of this perfectionism wall and I'm already seeing how much freedom it's allowed me to continue pursuing my dream, pursuing my life to go down road A. And maybe that's not the right one and go back and restart. And you just learn, like you said, this patience, but celebrating these small wins and just getting that perfectionism out of the way is just a key to accomplishing greatness.

Lesley Logan 40:29  

Okay, a follow-up question really quick. So you've gotten 10% of the way, what is the first 1% step?

Matt Gerlach 40:40  

Getting help, I mean, I think it's getting some help. I think it's talking to somebody you know, and it could be a really good friend, it could be your mom, if she's helpful, your dad if he's helpful, your partner, but I think you need to be talking to someone about what's going on, I just and it might take time. I mean, it might take you six months before you can even get a real solid emotion out to latch onto and start digging into but.

Lesley Logan 41:04  

Yeah, I actually love that so much. Because if you actually would share a perfectionist thing that you're doing, you would hear it out loud and the person next who's like, it's amazing the way it is. Share it with the right person, don't share it with the person who made you a perfectionist.

Matt Gerlach 41:21  

Yeah I'm gonna use this example. It's like, you know, like, I'm just gonna making this up. But it's funny. It's like the mom who's like, doing everything right. And she's like, I can't go to bed at night because I'm making like homemade cupcakes for my daughter's school and her daughter's like nine months old. Like, you get to know the like, like, you can't do it all and like, I think when you start getting feedback, like what it like some things have got to go sometimes on this to do list. But your nine-month-old daughter will never remember these cupcakes.

Lesley Logan 41:52  

I know. It's so true. It's so true. Every first person, like people, like my friends have a baby's got a one year birthday party and I'm like, can I bring a box? Because I don't think they're gonna remember what I bought them like, do they? Do they need a gift? You live in an apartment in L.A.? Like, what? How little can we like make this a big deal? Because they don't remember it.

Matt Gerlach 42:15  

I mean, it's feedback, you know, it's getting feedback. And I can tell you like, I don't think there was a single person on my healing journey that I opened up to that I felt safe opening up to that said anything negative to me. Anything that wasn't helpful. That's most people are good people that are going to, but again, so you know, select wisely.

Lesley Logan 42:36  

Yeah, yeah, but you're right. You're right. Most people are and also when you if you do that, and you hear someone shoot you down, that is just a sign that oh, that is that is someone who needs to be cut out. And that's okay for right now while you go find other people. It might be helpful to know that but I think we know that already. Before we even go do that. So I think you're right, select wisely. Matt, you're so amazing. And what you're doing is so cool. And I love that you shared your be it journey with us and what you're doing and your vulnerability I think it's gonna help so many people. So y'all, how are you going to use these tips in your life? Make sure you tag Matt Gerlach, tag the Be It pod. Share this with a friend who needs to hear this, especially the person whose life looks amazing on the outside. They probably have a lot on the inside that they need to work on. So give this a share to them and until next time, Be It Till You See It. 

Lesley Logan 43:29  

That's all I got for this episode of the Be It Till You See It Podcast. One thing that would help both myself and future listeners is for you to rate the show and leave a review and follow or subscribe for free wherever you listen to your podcast. Also, make sure to introduce yourself over at the Be It Pod on Instagram. I would love to know more about you. Share this episode with whoever you think needs to hear it. Help us and others Be It Till You See It. Have an awesome day. Be It Till You See It is a production of The Bloom Podcast Network. If you want to leave us a message or a question that we might read on another episode, you can text us at +1-310-905-5534 or send a DM on Instagram @BeItPod.

 

Brad Crowell 44:11  

It's written, filmed, and recorded by your host, Lesley Logan, and me, Brad Crowell.

 

Lesley Logan 44:16  

It is transcribed, produced and edited by the epic team at Disenyo.co.

 

Brad Crowell 44:21  

Our theme music is by Ali at Apex Production Music and our branding by designer and artist, Gianfranco Cioffi.

Lesley Logan 44:28  

Special thanks to Melissa Solomon for creating our visuals.

 

Brad Crowell 44:31  

Also to Angelina Herico for adding all of our content to our website. And finally to Meridith Root for keeping us all on point and on time.

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