I recently had the incredible opportunity to be a guest on Gary Thomas’ podcast. If you’ve been around Delight Your Marriage for a while, you know what a dear friend Gary has been to this ministry. Not only is he a best-selling author and speaker, but he’s also been so generous in inviting us to share on his platform in the past.

And this time? I got to be part of a panel alongside two truly amazing women:

Juli Slattery—President and Co-Founder of Authentic Intimacy and author of several life-changing books, including God, Sex, & Your Marriage and Rethinking Sexuality.

Debra Fileta—Creator of the #1 faith-based relationship advice blog TrueLoveDates.com and author of True Love Dates: Your Indispensable Guide to Finding the Love of Your Life and Married Sex: A Christian Couple’s Guide to Reimagining Your Love (among many others).

We came together for a powerful discussion about helping wives awaken to intimate pleasure—such an essential and often overlooked topic. The wisdom and insights from these women were just incredible, and I cannot wait for you to hear this conversation.

Here were some key takeaways from our panel discussion:

The Challenge of Awakening Sexual Fulfillment

For so many women, the journey toward enjoying sex in marriage isn’t a simple switch—it’s a process. If you've spent years saying "no"—whether because of purity culture, past wounds, or just never learning that sex is a gift—it makes sense that "yes" doesn’t come easily. And you are not alone in this!

How Husbands Can Help Their Wives Awaken to Pleasure

Men, you’ve likely never been discipled in how to help your wife step into her own sexual enjoyment. Many husbands enter marriage assuming their wife will naturally embrace sex, but the reality is, she may feel lost, hesitant, or even afraid. This is where your role as her safe place matters deeply.

Here are some questions that Debra suggested as conversation starters on sex:

• What’s something you're looking forward to in our sex life?

• What’s something that makes you nervous or unsure?

• What beliefs about sex do you want to hold onto, and what do you want to let go of?

Overcoming the Weight of Purity Culture

Many women who "did everything right" and waited for marriage still find themselves struggling. Why? Because purity culture often framed sex as something to avoid, not as a gift to embrace.

As Juli Slattery puts it, "Just because I waited, doesn’t mean I know how to start." That’s the truth. And if this is you, grace upon grace, my friend.

Sexual wholeness isn’t about following a list of dos and don’ts. It’s about stepping into the fullness of what God has given and allowing Him to reframe any distorted views we carry.

The Power of Emotional & Spiritual Connection

Debra Fileta says, "What you do above the sheets paves the way for what happens under the sheets." I could not agree more. Emotional and spiritual safety fuels physical intimacy. Husbands, if your wife doesn’t feel safe, known, and whole-heartedly cherished, her body won’t naturally respond to you with desire. So, before you think about sex, think about:

• Playfulness in everyday life (it builds intimacy!)

• How you affirm and admire her body

• How well she feels known and cherished by you

It’s Not About You, It’s About Her

A massive shift for many husbands is realizing that sex in marriage isn’t just about "getting my needs met." If your wife doesn’t feel safe, it’s no wonder intimacy feels like a duty rather than a desire.

You have an opportunity to disciple your heart in a new way. Instead of seeing your wife as the "acceptable outlet" for your sexual needs, ask: "How can I be the safest place for her to enjoy intimacy?"

When she feels safe, she will want to engage. Not out of obligation, but because she feels free to.

How to Move Toward More Desire in Marriage

Wives, rather than wondering and praying, "Why am I broken?" for not wanting intimacy, instead ask, "How can I cultivate a desire for intimacy?"

Some ideas:

• Non-sexual sensual touch with no pressure

• Playfulness in your daily life (This is huge!)

• Embracing a "turning a dial" rather than "flipping a switch" approach to intimacy 

 

Addressing Past Trauma & Emotional Wounds

Even in strong marriages, past sexual trauma or unhealthy conditioning can affect intimacy. And let’s be real: just having a great marriage doesn’t mean sex will be effortless. For some, the body’s response to past wounds will still show up. That’s okay. It’s part of the journey.

Healing takes time, patience, and sometimes outside help. If this is part of your story, give yourself permission to process what’s needed.

The Role of Faith & Hope in Sexual Fulfillment

God is a God of hope. If your marriage has felt disconnected, there is hope. If you’ve never truly enjoyed sexual pleasure, there is hope.

Your story isn’t over. Pursue wholeness—emotionally, spiritually, and physically—and trust that intimacy can be more fulfilling than you ever imagined.

Final Thoughts

• Husbands: Emotional and spiritual intimacy first, pleasure follows.

• Wives: You are not broken. Your pleasure matters.

• Both: Intimacy is a journey, not a destination. Keep taking steps, and trust that God is working in it all.

Friend, you are not alone. Your marriage can grow, your desire can awaken, and your intimacy can thrive. Keep leaning in, keep growing, and keep trusting that God has more for you than you even realize.

Be blessed!

Love,

 

Belah & Team