It doesn’t start with scandal. It often doesn't even start with feelings.

It starts with a smile. A moment of connection. A conversation that feels easy—maybe easier than the ones you’ve been having at home.

You walk away thinking, That was nothing. But somewhere deep down, you also know—it could become something.

If that’s where you find yourself today (or even if you’ve seen the warning signs in someone you love), please take a deep breath. You’re not broken. You didn't marry the wrong person. You haven't done an irredeemable thing with no going back. You’re human. And this conversation is meant to bring you hope, not shame. In my conversation with Gary Thomas today—pastor and bestselling author of Sacred Marriage—he shared that when a group of wives was asked "How many times do you think a married man has had extramarital feelings for someone?", they all responded with zero. When he asked the same question to a group of husbands, they all said somewhere from 4 to 6.

What we are saying is that attraction and feelings for someone other than your spouse are not often talked about, but are pretty common- for both husbands and wives. And we believe that bringing this into the light will take some of the shame off of these feelings and also help people not to go down a road they think has no return.

Gary Thomas on Attraction and Integrity

Gary has been married for over 40 years, and he’s seen a lot—as a pastor, counselor, and husband. He told me, “The reason we make a commitment is because we know there will always be another person who draws us for a moment. Commitment means we already know what to do with it—and what not to do with it.”

We don’t often talk about attraction outside of marriage unless it’s already turned into an affair. But Gary’s heart is to normalize awareness before it becomes destruction.

In our talk, Gary referenced a romantic comedy movie where a married bus driver begins to become attracted to a girl on a bicycle. Finally, a friend of the bus driver gently confronts him and says: “There will always be a girl on the bicycle.”

In other words, there will always be someone who catches your eye.

The key isn’t pretending that will never happen—it’s learning how to respond when it does.

Gary reminded me that having an attraction isn’t the sin. Entertaining it is.

The feelings themselves don’t make you unfaithful—they make you human. But where you let those feelings go next? That’s where faithfulness begins.

The Subtle Steps Toward an Affair

Gary shared that most affairs don’t start with a dramatic choice—they start with small, quiet ones. Little compromises that feel “innocent.”

He shared with a story of a woman who did end up having a physical affair. She recounted that it wasn't just one day to the next, but that there were actually several steps that happened before they were physically intimate. She shares that she could have turned back at any of these step, had she known before. She also shares the grief after it was all done at waking up to "just a dude in her bed"– not the escape or rescue or romance the temptation had promised.

Here are the steps she shared and the pattern Gary’s seen over and over again:

1. You share marriage frustrations with someone of the opposite sex.

2. You sense a spark—and feel seen or understood.

3. You start caring how you look around them.

4. You think about them when they’re not around.

That’s the prelude. It doesn’t feel dangerous yet, but it’s where hearts begin to shift.

Gary said, “If you can recognize it early, you can stop it before it ever grows.”

From there, people will often begin to have an emotional affair:

     5. You fantasize about being together.

     6. Manipulating circumstances to spend more time together.

     7. You start playful banter or flirtation.

     8. Friends notice—and ask what’s going on.

This is a wake-up call. Gary said, “If people around you see it, something’s already happening.” They’re seeing what your heart is trying not to admit.

Then, comes the actual physical affair:

    9. Meeting together in secrecy.

    10. Texting or calling in ways you hide from your spouse.

    11. Physical intimacy.

This is the final step—but it’s never the first.

We don't share this to shame. Maybe you've already partaken in some of these steps. We share because it is not too late to turn back. Gary said, “If you know the steps, you can stop at any one of them."

When You Have Extramarital Feelings, Here's What to Do

If you do end up experiencing feelings or attraction for someone other than your spouse—don’t panic. Don’t spiral into guilt.

Instead, bring it into the light. Tell a trusted, godly friend of your same sex. Talk to your spouse if it’s wise to do so. And most importantly—talk to Jesus.

Ask Him to help you see the truth: that this isn’t love, it’s a lure. Temptation often feels like relief at first—but always ends in ruin.

Then, put up strong, unapologetic guardrails:

• Stop all unnecessary contact with that person.

• Don’t text, call, or “just check in.”

• If you work together, keep everything professional and public.

• And don’t justify emotional intimacy as “just friendship.”

And when your spouse asks you to stop interacting with that person, don't respond with pride. See that they are feeling threatened and care for them deeply in that. As Gary said, “You can’t make your wife (or husband) feel cherished if you’re protecting a relationship that threatens them.”

What Makes Us Vulnerable to Affairs

Gary also reminded me that temptation doesn’t appear out of nowhere—it finds cracks that already exist. Stress. Loneliness. Unmet needs. Disappointment.

He said, “There was a time early in my marriage when everything felt like failure—our baby cried constantly, money was tight, and I felt like I couldn’t get anything right. So when someone made me feel ‘perfect,’ it was intoxicating.”

Can’t we all relate to that in some way? When life feels heavy, a moment of admiration feels like oxygen.

But the healing you're seeking isn’t found in a new connection—it’s found in deeper connection at home and with the Lord.

But that’s why we must run to the right source for validation. Your worth isn’t in who smiles at you—it’s in the God who delights in you.That's right. Not a perfect wife who is doing the perfect things, or a perfect husband who is saying the perfect words. But the Lord who is constant.

Guarding Your Heart and Protecting Your Marriage

Let Gary’s wisdom anchor you: “Be as faithful to your spouse as God is faithful to you. Be as committed to your marriage as Christ is committed to His Church.”

That kind of faithfulness isn’t built on fear—it’s built on love. When you keep Jesus at the center, attraction loses its power and intimacy becomes holy again.

So today, ask yourself: What boundaries do I need to strengthen? Where have I let my guard down? And how can I draw closer—to Jesus and to my spouse—starting now?

Again, we don't share this to frighten or shame. We are sharing to let you know that if you've had feelings for someone other than your spouse- you are not alone. You are not dirty, you are not broken. It doesn't mean you married the wrong person and it doesn't mean this new person is your soulmate. It means there was attraction and you are human. That is it.

We love you and we are rooting for you!

 

Blessings,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

 

PS - Want to bring our material to your churches? Check out delightyourmarriage.com/ipt to learn more about our In-Person Trainings and our January pilot programs!

PPS - Ready to take the next step for yourself? Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Advisors at delightyourmarriage.com/cc.

PPPS - Here's what one of our recent graduates had to say about our program: "My wife and I were roommates at best. I felt that she only wanted me around for a paycheck and to take care of the house. When we had sex it was duty sex where she wasn't present and there was no connection. I hated myself but I was wanting to cheat on her just to feel wanted and desired...[Now,] I have learned about how I was causing problems and putting way too much pressure on my wife...if I am not cheering her on, who is?  The truth was no one was, no wonder she was depressed, withdrawn, and suicidal.  I would be too. I now take pride in knowing that God entrusted her to me to lift her up, cheer her on, show her how good she is, encourage her, listen to her, and cherish her so she can grow...[Recently,] she told our daughters to move because she wanted to sit by me during movie night.  She has taken steps towards intimacy with me on her own without me pressuring her."

#marriagepodcast #marriedlife #marriageadvice

How a Family Life Educator Took Her Marriage from Good to Great: Jen's Story

Sometimes, the couples who join our programs aren’t on the brink of divorce. They aren’t fighting all the time. They actually have a good marriage.

But deep down, they know it could be better. That’s exactly where Jen was when she found Delight Your Marriage.

“We Had a Good Marriage… But I Knew It Could Be More”

Jen and her husband had been married nearly 15 years. They had three young kids, a busy life, and no major marital crisis. As she put it, “We were not in conflict with each other. We didn’t have any major issues that we were dealing with from our past. You know, no unfaithfulness, nothing like that.”

Still, something inside her longed for more. She said to us, “I think the thing that drove me into it was knowing that our marriage was good, but understanding or having this feeling that it could be better.”

She remembered a pastor that had mentioned Delight Your Marriage to her and from there, took the leap of faith to schedule a Clarity Call. And what she discovered surprised her.

Through honest reflection and intentional questions, she realized that while her marriage looked peaceful from the outside, her heart was carrying something deeper: resentment.

She had no idea that this resentment had snuck into her heart, but once she saw it, she was set on rooting it out.

When Self-Pity Sneaks Into a Good Marriage

Not only did Jen identify resentment in her heart, but she discovered she had also been carrying self-pity. In listening to an episode of the podcast on self-pity before joining the program, she realized the topic was actually hitting her heart.

[For those interested: https://delightyourmarriage.com/393-the-sin-of-self-pity-aka-pride/]

In that moment, God started something new.

Through the program, Jen learned to let go of resentment and embrace gratitude. She began to see her husband not as someone who wasn’t “doing enough,” but as a man faithfully serving and providing for their family.

That simple—but powerful—shift changed everything.

The Power of Peace in a Great Marriage

As Jen walked through the program, she noticed a transformation in herself. Through the "heart" work, she found that her soul was also being renewed and that God was was reworking things her heart she didn't even know where there.

And the result of that heart change? Peace.

With Jen getting rid of the resentment, putting aside the self-pity, and bringing in appreciation, compliments, and admiration- it changed the atmosphere of their homes. Jen’s husband even came home one evening during his busiest season, wrapped her in a hug, and said, “Thank you. I’ve noticed how much more peaceful our home has been.”

She hadn’t been trying to get him to notice—but he did. What she considered a small change was actually impactful. “It was a change enough that he felt it too”

How God Turns a Good Marriage Into a Great One

When we allow God to transform us, our marriage begins to shift.

Jen said, “Our connection as a result of, I think just the peacefulness in the home and between us and our gratefulness for each other has brought us closer together in intimacy…”

Yes, even their physical intimacy changed! Before the program, intimacy was about once a week. Now? “Two or three times,” she said, smiling. And not only has the frequency been upped, but they are enjoying each other more (a major win!)

And it wasn’t a formula or manipulation—it was the result of a softened heart.

A Christ-Centered Model for Marriage Transformation

As a former family life educator in her church, Jen had led marriage classes before. So she was skeptical—could DYM really offer something new?

After completing the program, she said, “I haven’t encountered anything as beneficial, and that actually works as well, as what DYM does. And I think a huge part of that is because of, well, the commitment to Scripture and actually putting it into practice.”

Jen’s favorite part? The women’s small group.

“A place that’s safe, encouraging, and honest,” she said. “We prayed for each other, celebrated each other’s wins, and shared struggles without fear of judgment. I’ve never experienced community like that.”

There’s Always More God Wants to Do in Your Marriage

When asked what she’d tell another wife who has a good marriage but knows there’s more, Jen didn’t hesitate: “I think I would just say...wherever you are in your marriage, if you think there’s room for growth, then there’s probably room for growth. So go after it, go after it, go after it...I would, for sure say, do it with DYM, because I think it’s... I think it’s a powerful, powerful program.”

Jen’s words remind us that “good” isn’t the goal. God desires great marriages—ones marked by peace, gratitude, and deep connection.

Wherever your marriage is at: whether you're separated and not speaking or in a good place but wanting just a little more, we know that God is still working and He can change things for good.

 

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

 

PS - Ready to take the leap of faith and make that Clarity Call? Don't hesitate! Schedule a free call with one of our Clarity Call advisors at delightym.com/cc or +1 332-239-2379

PPS - Interested in having this program at your church? Check out delightyourmarriage.com/ipt for more information on joining our Pilot Program!

PPPS - Here's is what (another) recent graduate has to say about our program: "Coming in, I knew my wife felt that I was unsafe for her, and that she felt alone and unknown by me. On my end, I felt deeply regretful of marrying her, angry with her, and hopeless to ever have a joyful marriage... [Now] I've seen progress in almost every area. I have grown in my own perspective on my wife. This has stunned me, and given me more hope than I've ever felt...I sincerely have a delight toward her that I've not felt in over a decade."

When Your Words Actually Bring Life (And How to Avoid Death): Interview With Ann & Dave Wilson

Do you remember when you first fell in love—how easy it was to cheer him on? You’d light up at his stories. You’d say, “You’re amazing!” and mean it. You noticed everything good.

But somewhere along the way, the cheers turned into corrections. The same man who once felt like your hero now feels like your project. And instead of applause, he mostly hears... boo.

That’s what Ann Wilson discovered the day her husband, Dave, vulnerably told a room full of women that marriage sometimes felt that way to him—like he’d walked off the football field to a stadium full of boos. Ann was stunned. She thought she was helping him. But in that moment, she realized how her words had chipped away at his confidence and joy.

I was so honored to talk with Dave and Ann Wilson—pastors, marriage speakers, authors of Vertical Marriage, and co-hosts of FamilyLife Today. For more than 30 years, they’ve led thousands of couples toward hope, healing, and connection. But their story didn’t start with success.

The Power of Words in Scripture

Scripture is clear: “The tongue has the power of life and death.” — Proverbs 18:21

Your words can resurrect a weary heart—or crush it. They can draw your husband home or make him quietly retreat.

And as Dave and Ann share, the transformation didn’t start with more compliments or clever communication—it started with repentance.

A Night of Repentance and New Beginning in Marriage

Ten years into marriage, they were on the verge of losing everything. Dave was busy building ministry– starting a new church at home and a chaplain for the Detroit Lions, often times away traveling with the team. Meanwhile, Ann was at home with two little boys, beginning to feel lonely, angry, and done.

One night, sitting in a parked car late at night on their 10 year anniversary, she finally said, “I’ve lost all my feelings for you.”

Dave was stunned. He thought they were great. Ann had never shared otherwise. How could she say he was disregarding her? How could she say she felt alone and he was always away?

As he reached for his planner to defend himself, the the gentle and firm voice of the Holy Spirit whispered: “Repent.”

He dropped his arguments and dropped to his knees—right there in the front seat of their Honda Accord. He realized he had put himself first instead of Jesus.

In that sacred moment, Ann felt conviction too. God showed her that she’d made her husband and marriage an idol and she had been wanting Dave to fill every need, when that was never the role God was supposed to have. She got on her knees as well, surrendering her expectations back to the Lord.

That night became the beginning of something new—a vertical marriage, grounded in repentance and intimacy with Jesus first.

When You Stop Cheering on Your Spouse

Years later, when Ann shared her “booing” moment at church, she used a visual: a plant. She explained that when you're dating, you pick a healthy, vibrant plant—your husband. But after a few years, you start noticing brown leaves. you take out the clippers, thinking it’s your job to prune him. Before long, you've hacked away so much that there’s barely a stump left.

After this sermon, Ann saw a couple that in the auditorium that stayed long after everyone had left. She approached them and saw an older man, head in his hands, tears dropping heavy on the ground, his wife sitting next to him bewildered. When asked what was wrong, he simply pointed at the stump and said, "That's me."

It’s not that we don’t love our husbands. We do. But we’ve forgotten that change is God’s job—not ours.

Our job is to water with words that bring life.

How to Speak Life (When You Want to Yell)

Ann admits she used to “speak her mind” freely—then justify it as honesty. But over time, God taught her a new rhythm of restraint and prayer, asking “Lord, should I say this? If yes, when should I say it? And how should I say it?” Not in an anxious way, but surrendered and thoughtful, knowing how much her words matter.

Just that short prayer created space for the Holy Spirit to guide her words.

One night, when Dave mentioned getting criticism on his sermons, her first instinct was to correct him (“Maybe if you studied more…”). But instead, she prayed that quick prayer—and said, “I can’t imagine the weight you carry, with thousands relying on your walk with God.”

Dave turned around, pulled her close and whispered, “You are my life.” Her empathy, not critique, drew him near.

Words That Heal

Ann now also prays daily, “God, show me the greatness in my husband.” That prayer changes everything—because God always sees the greatness He planted there, even when we can’t.

Romans 12:2 says, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” When we ask God to renew how we think about our spouse, our words follow. And when our words change, the whole atmosphere of the home begins to heal.

“Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” — Proverbs 16:24

Speaking Life Doesn’t Mean Losing Your Voice

This isn’t about silencing yourself or ignoring real problems, but when encouragement becomes your default, your occasional hard truth carries more weight. Your words no longer sound like attack—they sound like love.

And as Dave says, “When you praise your man, he becomes better. Critique doesn’t motivate—it deflates. But genuine admiration calls out his God-given potential.”

Repentance Starts Revival

If you’ve been critical, impatient, or weary—we get it. And it’s okay. The path back is repentance. It’s not a shame-filled, heavy thing. It’s the most freeing thing you can do. Start there. Let God soften your heart again. Ask Him to show you the greatness in your spouse. Then, begin to speak it out—one small sentence at a time.

You can do this.

 

Blessings,

 

The Delight Your Marriage Team

 

PS - If you're ready for the next step in healing your marriage, even if you're the only one doing the work, we're ready to talk with you. Schedule a free Clarity Call at delightym.com/cc or call +1 332-239-2379.

PPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate: "I am in control of my mood by controlling my own behavior instead of letting it get set for me by my husband's behavior and what I expect of him. I have released expectations of my husband. I see him as God's son now, which means he is NOT my responsibility to fix, direct, correct, discipline, etc. and instead I love, support, encourage and pray for him.  I am less controlling of my husband and I am more content with life in general."

How a Farmer Learned to Lead & Love in His Marriage

On the outside, Jake looked like a happy-go-lucky farmer. But inside, his marriage was falling apart. Control, years of infertility struggles, alcohol abuse, and pornography created a wall between him and his wife. Even counseling couldn’t break through the scar tissue of pain she carried. At one point, she said her willingness to work on the marriage was zero—she was ready to leave.

Jake was out of options. Yet, in God’s kindness, what seemed like the worst day became the turning point. His confession of addiction cracked open the first door to healing.

What a Farmer Learned About Love in Marriage

As a man who worked with horses and cattle his whole life, Jake knew how to communicate safety and calm with animals. Yet God showed him—through the story of David, Bathsheba, and Nathan's rebuke—that he wasn’t doing the same for his wife.

The Lord sent Nathan to David. When he came to him, he said, “There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor. 2 The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, 3 but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought. He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children. It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms. It was like a daughter to him.

4 “Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.”

5 David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! 6 He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.”

7 Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man! This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul. 8 I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more. 9 Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites. 10 Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’

- 2 Samuel 12:1-10

The revelation was life-changing: God entrusted him with His daughter. Loving her meant creating safety, trust, and gentleness. Jake realized that real leadership wasn’t control—it was love.

Learned to Lead by First Laying Down Pride

When Jake finally joined the program, he discovered what he had been missing for years: a biblically based roadmap for marriage. The forgiveness modules were the breakthrough.

He had carried anger for so long that it felt like part of his identity. But through forgiveness, Jake experienced freedom he had never known. Old wounds didn’t need apologies to be healed—he released them to God. His wife noticed almost immediately. For the first time in years, she felt safe with him.

From Walls to Sanctuary: A Marriage Transformed

The changes weren’t just in Jake. His home transformed. He stopped reacting in anger—even when a box fell on his head in the garage. His kids froze, waiting for the outburst that never came. That moment opened his eyes to the unsafe environment his rage had created—and the freedom God was now building in its place.

His home shifted from a place of survival to a sanctuary of love. He began looking forward to coming home, slipping away with his wife for time together, and seeing joy reflected in his children.

Leading with Love in Everyday Life

Jake learned to lead as a husband and father, not by demanding respect but by modeling Christlike love.

• When walking in after a long day, he chose to bring joy instead of frustration.

• When tension rose, he chose reassurance over arguments.

• When intimacy came, it was no longer duty—it was connection, passion, and contentment.

Jake also says he has never felt so sexually satisfied, not because of more encounters, but because of the depth of love in his marriage.

A Legacy of Leadership

The transformation didn’t stop with Jake and his wife. His children are being raised in a different household than they were 12 weeks earlier. His daughters now see how a husband should love his wife. His son now has a model of godly leadership to follow.

Generations are being changed because one farmer decided to learn how to lead with love in his marriage.

Final Thoughts

Marriage was never meant to be endured—it was designed to be a sanctuary of love, trust, and joy. Jake’s story shows that no matter how high the walls are, God can dismantle them brick by brick. True leadership in marriage doesn’t come from control but from gentleness, safety, and sacrificial love. And the care that you give in other areas of your life is worth investing your family as well.

For any husband who feels stuck, hopeless, or unsure of how to change, remember: you can learn to lead. And when you lead with love, everything changes—your marriage, your family, and your legacy.

Blessings,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS - Ready for the next step? Our team of Clarity Advisors are ready to talk with you. Call +1 332-239-2379 or visit delightyourmarriage.com/cc to take the next step of faith in healing your marriage.

PPS - Here is what (another) recent grad has to say: I was blindsided and stuck in my own self righteousness. He has wronged me in many ways in the past too but the course allowed me to see my own behaviour too, and I have forgiven him for the past and I feel we can really start afresh, looking at him with new eyes again. I am very hopeful for the future and I enjoy the weekends spending time with my family. Even if we may go through bad patches in the future we now have a framework to use. Nobody told us any of this before.

Arguments that spiral out of control often leave behind words no one meant and wounds that take time to heal. Escalation may feel like “getting it all out,” but according to our guest today, it is actually poison to a marriage.

Dr. Kevin Downing, founder of Turning Point Counseling in Southern California, has spent decades helping couples, pastors, and families find healthier ways to connect. His insights on escalation, self-control, and parenting bring both biblical grounding and practical tools.

Why Escalation Is “Pure Poison” That Often Leads to Divorce

Research from Dr. John Gottman revealed that the type of conflict in marriage can predict divorce. The number one predictor? Escalation.

When escalation takes over, brain scans show that the logical, rational side of the brain shuts down. That’s why conversations in anger lead to slammed doors, reckless words, or ultimatums. With half the brain offline, no real problem-solving can happen.

We often think that the “truth” does comes out during these heated moments of escalation, and sometimes spouses even push each other to the brink in an attempt to "get the truth out." But the reality is, this isn't so. The words spoken at the peak of anger are not reliable and usually bring regret. As Dr. Downing explained, escalation is pure poison for marriage.

The Fruit of the Spirit in Your Marriage

Scripture gives a different path. Galatians 5 teaches that self-control is a fruit of the Spirit.

Self-control means more than biting one’s tongue; it is the Spirit’s power to respond with gentleness when provoked. It is choosing a soft answer when the flesh screams for retaliation. This is what keeps hearts tender and marriages safe.

Practical Tools for De-Escalation

Dr. Downing offered practical tools couples can use immediately:

• Use “I” language. Instead of “You’re losing it,” say, “I need a few minutes to calm down. I promise to return.”

• Pause at night. Words like, “I love you. I’m not going anywhere. I’m sure we can work this out” create security before sleep.

• Reassure often. A 10-second “wedding-vow refresh” can melt deep insecurity: “You’re my one and only—for better or worse, for life.”

• Don’t debate history. Replace “I remember it better than you” with “We have different recollections.” Then drop it.

• Offer a new experience. Arguments rarely change minds, but kindness does. Just as a restaurant replaces a meal instead of defending reviews, a spouse can create change by responding with love instead of debate.

How to Be on the Same Page about Parenting

Conflict in parenting can be just as destructive if spouses are not aligned.

But, Dr. Downing emphasized that parenting plans should not be created in the heat of a crisis. An argument is not the time to create a parenting plan, just like the middle of a storm is not the time to create a rain plan. You want to do these things outside of the state of chaos.

Instead, couples should sit down calmly after the crisis is done and start with the big picture. What goals do you have for your children? You may ask yourselves:

• Do we want our children to be God-loving?

• Self-supporting?

• Respectful?

• Loving toward siblings and connected to church?

Agreeing on these goals allows a united front in daily decisions. One of the greatest gifts for children is seeing parents present a unified approach. Correcting a spouse in front of the kids undermines authority and invites manipulation. Behind closed doors, differences can be discussed and resolved without giving children the leverage to divide.

The Two-Minute Timeout

Dr. Downing also shared a simple, powerful discipline tool for parenting: the two-minute timeout.

When a child disobeys, responds disrespectfully, or hits a sibling, the consequence is two minutes with two questions:

1. Why were you in timeout?

2. Will this behavior happen again today or tonight?

To establish safety and connection, younger children are also given a hug afterward.

This short, consistent approach helps children take ownership while keeping parents calm. It prevents long punishments that discourage, as well as shouting matches that model escalation. In fact, the timeout often benefits the parent just as much—allowing emotions to cool so rational thinking returns.

By the time children reach their teens, the drill is so familiar that a simple question—“Do you need a timeout?”—is usually enough to prompt self-correction.

Final Thoughts

Every couple disagrees sometimes, and every parent has those chaotic moments—but they don’t have to end in distance or regret. Escalation will always push hearts apart, but Spirit-led self-control and kindness can draw them close again.

The beautiful truth is that transformation doesn’t always come through big, complicated steps. Often it’s the small, intentional choices—pausing before speaking, offering reassurance instead of accusation, giving a child two minutes to reset—that shift the entire atmosphere of a home.

Each moment of choosing gentleness over escalation is an invitation for God’s presence to flood your marriage and your family.

You can do this.

God bless you!

 

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS - For more information on Dr. Kevin Downing and his work, please visit turningpointcounseling.org

PPS - Interested in some free resources? Check out delightyourmarriage.com/downing for a downloadable bundle including resources mentioned in today's podcast.

PPPS - Did you get a chance to check out the Midlife Summit? They are doing an encore presentation this weekend and it is not too late to catch it! Come check out Belah and other coaches as they share insight on hormones, intimacy, and all things midlife. Click here for more info.

PPPPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate: "When we did talk it would often end with blaming each other and an argument.  I believed that if my wife could just be more affectionate and loving our marriage would be much better.  I quickly realized in the first few weeks of MR, that when I take the lead to make her feel safe, cherished, and heard, she responds by being kinder and more loving towards me."

Body obsession has been a toughy for me all my life. 

Wanting to be thin.

Wanting to be beautiful.

Wanting to fit into x size jeans.

Wanting to see x on the scale.

(The number of New Year's resolutions based on this makes me embarrassed.) 

And once I am triggered about thinking I'm not thin, I would eat to assuage those hard feelings. 

Or other hard feelings, I'd eat.

Was it sin? 

Was it a sin, for ME? 

Let's put a pin in that thought.

I think a major way the enemy tempts us nowadays is through distraction. 

Is distraction a sin?

Well, if God has a will for our lives and there are things that are getting in the way of that, that's what I would call sin.

We can't be ignorant of his scenes. 

If your insecurity about your body robs you of sexual desire and confidence in the bedroom -- you need to wage war against this. 

God calls you to be a spouse. 

If something about your body makes you insecure, it is robbing you of the connection you are meant to have with your spouse. Men, maybe it's your member's size, performance, or belly, ladies, maybe it's your belly, body's shape, or giggle (believe me, I get it!!)

That's why I mean to encourage you to wage war against this distraction. 

And honestly, if it's not allowing you to do God's will -- I call it sin. 

If the amount of thoughts that we give to something is greater than the thoughts we give to God (worshipping Him / His word / His tasks / His rest / delight with Him / loving His people well) 

...then might we be serving an idol? 

I definitely was. 

And it's on me to wage war against that idol of body perfection because it hinders every other good thing God wants for me; what He's called me to be about.

So, I hope you'll be encouraged that you can get freedom from this, as I believe it's a miraculous freedom I'm walking in now and have for some time. Thanking God for it!

I hope it blesses you. 

Love, 

Belah

PS -- We'd love to help you. Join a Clarity Call to help us know your situation and if we can help your marriage thrive in every area of intimacy - emotional, spiritual & physical. delightyourmarriage.com/cc 

 

When I hit “record” on the very first Delight Your Marriage podcast 10 years ago, my mic stand was a Quaker Oats container. 

I had a dream, a story, and a hope that I thought could help others. 

I just had a few loaves and fishes to offer—with a world in need.

Now—500 episodes later—we’ve seen Him do it: hundreds marriages restored in our programs directly, many thousands of families transformed through our podcast, lives healed all over the world. 

And yet, this milestone isn’t just about what God has done at Delight Your Marriage—it’s about what He wants to do next, through all of us.

Here are three lessons from this episode I believe will bless you right now:

1) Do not be overcome by evil The world’s problems can feel overwhelming, but your greatest impact is in your sphere of influence—your heart, your habits, your marriage. That’s where revival begins. And it does spread!

2) Do courage enough and it becomes confidence. At first, obedience to God feels risky and scary. But when you keep stepping forward with courage, it grows into confidence. And then it’s simply confidence in who you are and how God made you to be and impact others. 

3) Live the Love Chapter at home–first. 1 Corinthians 13 isn’t just for weddings—it’s your daily assignment. Love is patient, kind, forgiving. Revival doesn’t start on stages—it starts in your living room.

Hear how Delight Your Marriabe began and where we’re heading in the next 10 years! We’re going be in-person trainings (16 starting this fall!), best selling books, self-directed courses, certified coaches, live events, weekend retreats, and global impact—transforming marriages, churches, and even whole communities.

We’re just getting started—and you’re part of it.

With gratitude, Belah

P.S. Even if you don’t listen right away, here’s how you can step into what’s next:

For you 

• Book a Clarity Call to begin your own coaching transformation: delightyourmarriage.com/cc

For others

• Bring In-Person Training to your church or small group (launching January): hosting a group where marriages can heal in your community or church. Let us know if you would like to become a part: [email protected] 

• Help us find the Director of Operations role – take a look or send it to a friend.

• Partner with us financially to sponsor pastors and churches in need (tax-deductible): [email protected]

499-Sinful v. Holy Fierce Intimacy

I was confused.

There I was a new bride, having saved myself for marriage…

only to find out that my new husband wanted me to do SINFUL things.

Where did he get all this “inspiration” anyway?

Oh, I knew: sinful places.

So, of course, I refused. And of course, it brought mutual anger (covering each of our hurt).

What’s your story?

If it’s even remotely like mine, I needed to change the lens in which I was viewing sex.

I wasn’t viewing sex from a biblical standpoint.

I was viewing sex from a sexually perverted lens. (Even though I saved my sex for marriage, I certainly received messages from the world that perverted the purity and unashamedness that is meant to be in the bedroom.)

I was thinking about a sinful visual I had, at some point, encountered that I knew was wrong. Instead of recognizing the COMPLETELY different and HOLY context of my marriage, I decided the act was associated with my experience that was not God’s will.

Maybe you’ve gone through something profoundly tragic, if so, my heart goes out to you. And now you’re married and there are so many things that feel hard to move towards because of the past. There is hope. Hope for healing and even hope for desire.

Be washed by truth. That’s my aim in this conversation. That you will realize that our God is a God of intimacy and freedom in your marriage.

When you wash your mind with the truth of His design within the marriage bed, may you slowly wade (or dive in) into the waters of marital intimacy and find out it’s nice and warm (with your spouse 🙂 )

Biblical Sexual Boundaries: What God Says Clearly

God’s Word is not silent on sexuality. We’re called to flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18), honor marriage and keep the marriage bed pure (Hebrews 13:4), and rejoice in the wife (or husband) of our youth (Proverbs 5).

What does that mean practically? It means saying no to adultery, fornication, pornography, and lust outside of marriage. But it also means saying a big yes to intimacy within marriage.

God designed it. He delights in it. And He calls it holy.

Christian Sexual Freedom in Marriage

Here’s the good news: within the covenant of marriage, you are FREE. Passion, tenderness, variety—when it’s just the two of you, it’s not dirty or off-limits.

Too often, we add rules God never wrote. We act like Pharisees in the bedroom, burdening ourselves with shame. But Scripture doesn’t say you have to find every position or practice word-for-word in the Bible. It says to stay within God’s boundaries.

That’s it.

Inside those boundaries, freedom is His gift.

Masculine vs. Feminine Sexuality in God’s Design

I often talk about a helpful framework: feminine sexuality tends to be calming, connective, tender—while masculine sexuality is passionate, fierce, and energetic.

Neither is wrong! In fact, both are needed! But here’s the key: most wives won’t feel safe to enjoy masculine passion until the feminine is deeply honored.

Gentle connection lays the foundation for fierce intimacy. When both are present, intimacy becomes the oneness God intended.

One Flesh Marriage Meaning

When Scripture says the two become one flesh (Matthew 19:5), it’s not talking about shared bank accounts or chore charts. It’s talking about the mystery and beauty of sexual union.

That oneness is not only for procreation—it’s also for pleasure, connection, and spiritual unity.

You were designed to be “naked and unashamed.” That’s God’s original intention for your marriage.

Repentance and Sexual Purity

Here’s the challenge: what you consume shapes what you expect.

If your eyes are fixed on media that glamorizes lust, adultery, or pornography, your heart will follow. Jesus warned us—lust in the heart is adultery (Matthew 5:28).

But repentance is always available. God’s kindness leads us to turn back (Romans 2:4). His grace washes us clean and empowers us to start again. Inside His boundaries, intimacy is safe, holy, and life-giving.

Healing and Hope for Your Marriage Bed

If intimacy feels impossible for you—whether because of past sin, abuse, shame, or just exhaustion—please don’t give up.

You can heal. You can rediscover joy. You can learn how God wired you for intimacy, and how to give and receive love in your marriage bed.

I want you to know: fierce intimacy is possible, for men and women. And it is holy. Within God’s design, it’s not just permitted—it’s celebrated.

Final Thoughts

Friend, don’t let the enemy steal your freedom by pushing you into guilt—or into sin. God’s Word draws the boundaries, and inside them, He invites you to DELIGHT.

We are rooting for you.

Blessings,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS - Ready to take the next step? Schedule a free call with one of our Clarity Advisors today. This free Clarity Call will give you insight into the health of your marriage and your best next step. Whatever is hindering you from taking your next step, you are not too far gone. Sign up here for your free Clarity Call!

PPS - Need a little extra coaching on this whole holy fierce intimacy thing? Well, the timing could not be better! Our very own Belah Rose is a keynote speaker for Date Your Spouse's 2025 Sex Seminar. All the nitty-gritty questions, all the understanding and support. Check out this link to register for this seminar and catch not only Belah's teaching, but other intimacy experts as well! 🔥 (Want to catch up on the Sex Seminars from previous years? You got it. Click here to register for access for this year's panel AND previous years!)

PPPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate: "Before DYM, there was a lot of tension and stress in our marriage and disconnect. My husband had affairs and these were replayed constantly in my head even though one of them occurred 25 years ago... After going through the program, the stress is gone... I told him I have forgiven him and intimacy is something I desire now and enjoy with my husband. We are both so much happier in our marriage! I have also started back on my spiritual journey with God, that I have been away from for many years."

Creating Better Habits for a Better Marriage: Michael's Story

You love your wife. You love your family. And you’d do anything for them.

But if you’re honest… things don’t feel quite the same as they used to.

Maybe you’re exhausted from work, the baby, or the endless list of responsibilities. Maybe your evenings with your wife now look more like two roommates collapsed on the couch—silent, tired, and just hoping tomorrow will be better.

That’s exactly where Michael found himself.

A good man. A loving husband. A dad who adored his toddler son. And yet—he noticed the spark in his marriage was fading.

Instead of ignoring it, he made a decision that changed everything.

And maybe that’s where you are today.

Masculinity Reclaimed Foundations for Lasting Change

Michael wasn’t looking for fluff. He wasn’t looking for self-help tricks that sound nice but fall flat.

He wanted something biblical. Something that honored God’s design for intimacy. Something practical enough to implement while juggling fatherhood and career.

That’s when he discovered Masculinity Reclaimed Foundations.

From the very beginning, he noticed it wasn’t complicated. Daily gratitude. Encouraging words. Apologies when needed. Intentional listening.

Simple? Yes. Easy? Not always. But transformational? Absolutely.

Michael said it “sparked something new.” He began noticing his wife respond in ways she hadn’t before. Even more surprising—she started picking up the same habits he was practicing, without ever being taught them directly.

One morning, while out on a walk, she said, “I forgot to write my gratitudes today.”

Michael was stunned. Gratitudes were part of his new daily rhythm—something the program had challenged him to do. He hadn’t even invited her into it. But she saw his consistency, and she was inspired to follow.

That’s the power of godly leadership.

Christian Marriage Intimacy That Transforms Daily Life

Michael realized intimacy was about more than the physical.

Yes, God designed sex as a beautiful, holy gift—but intimacy starts long before the bedroom.

When a wife feels safe, known, and wholeheartedly cherished, her heart opens. That’s the essence of Christian marriage intimacy: a holistic connection that touches body, soul, and spirit.

For Michael, it meant slowing down. Looking his wife in the eye. Really listening when she spoke—not just nodding while his mind wandered. Offering compliments, even when it felt small. Expressing love, even in the middle of an ordinary day.

And the results?

Their evenings shifted. Instead of collapsing into silence, they began talking again. Laughing again. Rebuilding the kind of bond that made marriage joyful instead of draining.

Maybe that’s what’s missing in your marriage. Maybe you’re craving closeness but don’t know where to start. Michael would tell you—start small. Gratitude. Encouragement. Listening.

And watch how God multiplies it.

Christian Husband Leadership That Inspires Your Wife

Here’s the truth: someone has to go first.

Too many men wait, hoping their wives will change before they do. But waiting is not leadership.

Michael discovered that a Christian husband's leadership is about modeling the very change you want to see.

• Choosing gratitude when negativity feels easier.

• Speaking life instead of criticism.

• Creating joy where tension used to rule.

• Surrendering pride in order to serve.

And his wife responded. Not because he pressured her. Not because he demanded it. But because love that reflects Christ is contagious.

Friend, this is the hard but freeing truth: leadership begins with you.

Your wife may or may not immediately change. But your consistent obedience to Christ’s call—to love your wife as He loved the church—will never return void.

Marriage Transformation Stories That Stir Hope

When Michael first joined the program, he rated his marriage a 7 or 8 out of 10. Good. Steady. But he knew something was missing.

After stepping into these practices, his wife said something that stopped him in his tracks: “This has been transformational for our marriage.”

That’s not just improvement. That’s restoration.

And Michael’s story isn’t unique. Week after week, we hear marriage transformation stories from men all over the world—young dads, empty-nesters, husbands married for two years or fifty.

The common thread? They chose to lead with love. To step into accountability. To embrace God’s way, not culture’s distortions.

And God met them there.

If He can do it for Michael, He can do it for you.

Final Thoughts

Let me ask you directly: where is your marriage today?

Maybe it feels “good but not great.” Maybe the spark is gone, and you’re worried what things will look like in five or ten years. Maybe you’re exhausted from parenting and silently grieving the closeness you once had.

Friend, you don’t have to settle.

Michael didn’t.

And the best part? His wife followed his lead without him ever asking her to.

That’s what happens when a man chooses to be the first one to change.

Michael made a decision. He chose to take a step forward. And it began with one simple action: a conversation.

That’s where you can begin, too.

 

With love,

 

The Delight Your Marriage Team

 

PS - Are you ready to take the next step in improving your marriage? We are here for you! Schedule a free Clarity Call and take the first step to transforming your marriage.

PPS - Here is a quote from (another) recent graduate:  "Our marriage was doomed to fail if we continued with the same unhealthy patterns that we had been using for years. This was a very hard process of self evaluation. My relationship with God was put at the top of my list for each day and I was able to start to feel connected to Him again and have loved being in the word. I also realized that I was taking myself and life way too seriously and have had to force myself to be more playful which has helped to keep the mood in our relationship more fun and light."

497-Living a Life of No Regrets in Marriage and Faith [Re-Release] (Previously Titled: Changing OURSELVES in Light of Eternity)

Hello, listeners! As we continue to work on our recording our very first in-person trainings, we hope you will enjoy some of the re-releases from the past few years of the Delight Your Marriage podcast (It has certainly been sweet to us to re-listen and share some of our favorites with you!) For this week, we hope you will enjoy a little bit of Christmas in the summertime as we talk about living life in light of eternity. Christmas is certainly a wonderful time to remember who Jesus is and why he is worthy of our lives, but we think a balmy day in August is a good time to remember that also.

Enjoy this re-release and we look forward to sharing some other favorite episodes with you soon!

God bless!

Marriage as Your First Assignment Before God

When we think about standing before Jesus one day, many of us imagine wanting to hear the words, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” But how often do we connect that vision with our marriages?

The truth is, God has entrusted you with a spouse—not by accident, not as an afterthought, but as a sacred assignment. Your husband or wife is your first ministry.

Loving God by Loving Your Spouse

Jesus told us the greatest commandment is to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength—and the second is like it: to love our neighbor as ourselves.

And who is your closest neighbor? Your spouse.

No one else can encourage your spouse like you can. No one else can pray for them, serve them, or provide safety and intimacy in the same way. Your marriage is one of the clearest ways to live out your love for God.

When you choose to love your husband or wife with gentleness, patience, and sacrificial love, you are actually loving Jesus.

Integrity, Intimacy, and Safety

Loving your spouse well isn’t just about words—it’s about integrity. It’s about creating true safety by guarding your heart, your eyes, and your thoughts.

It’s about saying no to distractions that cheapen your focus—whether that’s pornography, busyness, or pouring your energy into hobbies instead of your home.

When you choose discipline, integrity, and faithfulness, your spouse experiences the safety God designed marriage to provide. And intimacy—emotional, spiritual, and physical—flows from that foundation.

A Life with No Regrets

This life is short. One day, you and I will stand before Jesus. What will we be able to say about how we loved?

Did we prioritize our marriages? Did we love our spouses as Christ asked us to? Did we make sacrifices to ensure our marriages reflected His heart?

The good news is—it’s not too late. Today, you can choose to love your spouse as your first assignment before God. You can choose to realign your priorities and live with no regrets.

Your Invitation

Your marriage is not just about you and your spouse—it’s about reflecting Jesus to the world. When you love your spouse well, you glorify God.

Take some time today to ask:

• What does it mean for me to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength?

• How can I show that love to my spouse in practical, tangible ways?

• What do I want to be true of me when I stand before Jesus?

Friend, don’t waste the life God has entrusted to you. Start with the person He’s placed right by your side. Your first neighbor.

You can do this.

God bless you,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS - If you are ready to join our Coaching Programs, we would love to chat with you! Schedule a free Clarity Call with one of our Clarity Call advisors and discover what your marriage needs to fully connected once again.

PPS - We are doing a pilot launch in churches this Fall! The Masculinity Reclaimed & Delighted Wife programs that you know and love are being adapted for in-person groups and we cannot wait to show them to you. If you'd like your church to be a part of our pilot program, please check out https://delightyourmarriage.com/church/

PPPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate: "We were both resentful of how we treated each other. My expectations were rarely met and I could be quite cold. My moods would overflow into my parenting and even work. After 20+ years of this I had very little hope that things could change. I was not going to leave my family, but I did seek to escape through alcohol and pornography at times... [Now,] My wife has told me she feels safe. She has begun to trust that my change is not a passing fad. I have gained understanding in how to love her well. I look forward to being around her, and to pampering her and loving her well. This has overflowed into intimacy emotionally, spiritually, and physically...I didn't realize how much pain I was causing her, or how self focused I was. I was trying to get her to change and should have been working on me."