How a Strong Identity Defeats Shame: Interview With Pastor Drew Hyun

Maybe you're a leader in your church, a high achiever at work, or a dedicated family man—but deep inside, you feel the sting of shame. Maybe it's from mistakes in your past, struggles in your present, or simply the pressure of not living up to what you think you should be.

Here’s the good news: you don’t have to carry it anymore.

Pastor Drew Hyun—lead pastor of Hope Church NYC and executive director of Emotionally Healthy Discipleship—shares how God’s love offers a radical solution. Not just theologically, but practically. In this powerful teaching, originally given to our men's community, Drew walks us through how to eradicate shame through our identity in Christ.

These truths brought tears to the eyes of many men in our program—and it’s easy to see why. Because when you truly grasp how deeply you’re loved by God, everything changes.

The Root of Shame: Why Our Identity Feels So Fragile

Pastor Drew’s upbringing was marked by harsh parenting, deep wounds, and religious hypocrisy. His father—who eventually became a well-known pastor and author—was emotionally and physically abusive at home, even as he preached about how to raise a godly family.

Drew grew up trying to reconcile this contradiction, and his early life was shaped by a relentless drive to succeed, perform, and hide his struggles.

Whether you’ve experienced something similar or not, many of us understand that tension: performing on the outside while hiding pain on the inside. And when we can’t live up to the image we’ve created—shame creeps in.

But here's the turning point: our identity doesn’t come from performance or other people's approval. It comes from Christ alone.

Emotional Health Is Spiritual Maturity

As Pastor Drew shared with us, "You cannot be spiritually mature while remaining emotionally immature.”

It doesn’t matter how impressive your resume is, how many sermons you’ve heard, or how many Bible verses you know—if your wife experiences you as unloving, cold, or critical, then something is broken.

Spiritual growth isn’t just what you do in public. It’s who you are in private—especially with those closest to you.

The call to emotional health is not just self-help. It’s a discipleship issue—and a doorway to freedom.

Public Life vs. Private Life

Social media, church culture, and cultural expectations often tempt us to present a polished version of ourselves. But that disconnect between our public image and private reality breeds shame.

Drew shares how discovering integrity—being whole and consistent, not perfect—transformed his life.

He uses this beautiful definition of humility, rooted in the Latin word humus (meaning grounded): “Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking of yourself less.”

When you’re grounded in God’s love, you no longer need to perform. You can walk in truth, freedom, and consistency—the marks of a mature man of God.

Overcoming Shame Through Christ-Centered Identity

Shame loses its power when you know who you are in Jesus.

Culture tells you to look inside yourself or to please your family and community. But both of those paths eventually fail.

Only God's love is unchanging.

Here’s a mantra Pastor Drew repeats often:

"In Jesus, I am fully loved, fully accepted. Nothing to hide. Nothing to prove. Nothing to fear."

That’s your anchor when insecurity hits. That’s your firm footing when shame comes knocking. When you remember this truth, you can stop hiding and start living.

What It Means to Be a Bold Yet Humble Christian Leader

So what does healthy Christian leadership look like?

It’s not puffed-up pride. And it’s not self-defeating shame. It’s humble boldness—a leadership style rooted in identity, not insecurity.

Drew points to Jesus as our ultimate model. He is both Lion and Lamb—powerful and gentle, bold and self-sacrificing.

When your worth is secure in Christ:

• You don’t feel inferior to anyone.

• You don’t feel superior to anyone.

• You can love boldly and lead without fear.

As Drew puts it, “I don’t need to perform. I just need to show up as my honest self—and be a conduit of God’s love.”

Why Your Marriage Is a Miracle in the Making

Your marriage isn’t just for your happiness—it’s a sign and wonder to the world.

Ephesians 5 calls marriage a “mega mystery” that reflects the love between Christ and His Church. That means your pursuit of your wife—emotionally, physically, spiritually—is a living picture of Jesus' relentless, selfless love.

Even if things feel strained right now, even if your wife is distant or hurting—your love still matters.

Your kindness. Your self-control. Your forgiveness. Your joyful pursuit.

They point to the God who never gives up on us.

Final Thoughts: You Are Deeply Loved—Right Now

You might feel like you’ve failed too much or that your shame disqualifies you from being a great husband. But that’s not what Jesus says. As Drew puts it, “You are more sinful than you dare believe. And more loved than you dare hope.”

That truth sets men free.

So if you’ve stuck your foot in your mouth, if your wife seems distant, if your spiritual walk feels stale…

Take a deep breath.

You are fully loved. Fully accepted. Nothing to hide. Nothing to prove. Nothing to fear.

With love,

The Delight Your Marriage Team

PS - If you're ready to be discipled and join a community of men or women that are passionately pursuing Christ and His purpose their marriage, we would love to talk to you! Check out delightyourmarriage.com/cc for more information.

PPS - Here is a quote from a recent graduate: "Years ago I prayed to God for a short life. I didn't want to break my marriage vow, but I didn't see how I could be happy with him and it was getting harder as the children became adults...Now I enjoy spending time with him...Physical intimacy is better than ever. He cares about me and I feel secure. When we come together physically, we feel closer and both of us look forward to it! I miss him when he gets busy with work and would be devastated if something happened to him."