In 2020, I left the hospital system. I spent 15 years training, sacrificing, and ultimately becoming disillusioned with "the system" to which I had so desperately yearned to be a part. On my last shift as an OBGYN, I was awakened in the middle of the night to perform a (truly needed) emergency c-section. The noise and inhumane nature of c-sections, including the lights, the chatter, and the dystopic nature of removing a baby from an incision in the abdomen was the final straw for me. I wrote this essay in one sitting as soon as I got out of the operating room. It's an homage to the process of becoming a doctor and not finding happiness or sanity within the medical industrial complex. In some ways, it's also a love letter to my fellow physicians and practitioners, as I hope it will give more OBGYNs permission to lean into the feelings that arise in a system that overmedicalizes death, overpathologizes birth, and underappreciates the sacred art of healing. 

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Find me on Instagram @nathanrileyobgyn and my practice at: www.BelovedHolistics.com



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Music by: Labrinth and Preservation Hall Jazz Band

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